Huh?? Dammit!! Why???

TRIGGER!!! The S word... TRIGGER!!! ... GRAFFIC!!!

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Thank God is wasn't a family member or a friend... just an aquaintance and neighbor.

One of my neighbors right across the street had been missing since Monday. Some were concerned and left phone messages, beat on his door, etc. My husband was one that knocked on his door and tried to look through windows. He talked to management about the missing man. Management said they would wait 48 hrs and would then make a report if the missing man didn't turn up. Some neighbors got together and one realized it had been four days since he had seen any movement at the house in question. A call was made to the police dept and they came out with ambulance and fire truck. Eventually, they popped open the door and what some of us feared became reality. It wasn't a natural death.

WARNING!!!!

The man was neither friend nor foe... but the tragic way his life ended and the reasons are beyond my comprehension. The mess he left behind... emotional, mental and physical ... I can't wrap my brain around it! I can't erase from my mind the smell and what was missing when they carried him out in a body bag!!

It was so obvious what he had done to himself... never mind the police, detectives and ME doing their investigations and finding the 9 mm slug in his arch enemy's carport. Not that I believe it was murder, but just the same. The man and his arch enemy lived next door to each other. The arch enemy was heard to have said "Well, thank goodness, that's one less problem for me." OMG!!! How can anyone be so cold!!!

I thoroughly dislike the "arch enemy" and this didn't help matters any with MY problems with him!! I know that *I* am another one of his "problems." Not that I cause any, but it's that he's constantly causing them for ME!! I know that hate is a strong emotion and for the most part, a waste of time and energy... but for right now, I have determined that I am going to HATE the "arch enemy."

How do I handle my hate for this idiot and at the same time handle what can possibly be PTSD?? Regardless of what I thought of the dead man, it's a loss of life! This man touched other people's lives! He was given the resources he needed to handle the problems he was having... and yet, he chose to end his life!!! WHY???? He had those he could have reached out to, he had ways out of the problems he had!!!

How can anyone feel so hopeless over what seems to the rest of us a completely solvable problems???

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

He was a soft spoken, gentle man even if he did have some strange ideas. One neighbor even says that he was FUN!

How can someone have such bitter emotions toward another person that never really did anything to HURT him??

I've had my nose is a jar of essential oil trying to get rid of the memory of the smell coming out of his house! Why did they open all the doors and windows to let that smell out into the neighborhood?? Weren't they thinking what it would do to the rest of us??? GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Another person was concerned about the dead man's yard and who was going to care for it!! OMG!!! It's a patch of weeds as it is!!!! A man had just taken his own life!! Who gives a damn about a patch of weeds????

I want to be somewhere else!!! I hate it that I'm drawn to my window just to stare at his house and expect to see him going out to his car! He was ALWAYS, several times a day, going somewhere!! Why didn't he consolidate his trips, for pete's sake????

WHY???? WHY???? WHY???? STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! NOTHING IS WORTH BLOWING YOUR HEAD OFF FOR!!!!!!!!!!

What is grief counseling? Do they help virtual strangers get over the shock of someone doing such a horrible thing to themselves?? How do you justify it?? CAN you justify it?? How do you shut up the cold hearted beast that drops insults about a dead man at the drop of a hat?? How do you remove him from your midst??? How do you NOT gloat when you see his lights on all through the night and his front door open??? You know he's freaking and YOU LOVE IT!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Realize that your reactions are because of PTSD. I won't say you are "over reacting" because it is truly a tragedy. I do know that PTSD causes overly strong feelings about such events, feelings that don't do the person any good, and indeed can be detrimental.
Tell yourself it's the PTSD. That yes, you care, you probably have regrets of some kind like any good neighbor would, and yes, you may have feelings of sadness... but the way it's affecting you so strongly is the PTSD. It's upset something inside, triggered your feelings of safety perhaps...

Sky Thanks for responding, Hon.

I think what strikes me the most is the unfairness of it all, man's inhumanity to man and the coldness of the "arch enemy," the despondency of the dead man. The sight of his body although in a body bag and the smell. That a sweet man like that would leave such an impression. Expectations, maybe? IDK. It's beginning to hurt now... until I see that nasty old creep in his nasty filthy caftan parading around outside of his house trying to be the center of attraction, even telling the Med. Ex. what to do!

Yeah, my feelings seem to be stronger than anybody else's... or at least, I am expressing them more and louder.

What a shame!! The dead man used to drive me crazy with his many trips out every day. The street is a whole lot quieter in this last week. His little grey Scion isn't going up and down the street anymore. It sits quietly in the back of his carport. It's just not right!

((((((((Tomi))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{White Iris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks, Hon. Can I hang on to that hug for a bit?

As long as you want and I have many many more of them

What an awful thing to have to "watch". I think sometimes not knowing what truly went on leaves those of us with PTSD with terribly anxious and confusing feelings. Like we NEED to have more information or we'll add the information from our traumatized brains. I felt the same way you did about the arch enemy when you saw his lights on at night but then thought, wait, we have no idea why his lights are on. People say and do the stupidest things when tragedies happen, like what about the lawn. If it helps you at all, recognize that your PTSD is filling in holes and gaps and try not to let the pain of what did happen turn into hate for your neighbors. I'm so sorry you had to have this happen right where you are supposed to feel safest, at your home. Seems like it has made everyone go off kilter. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

(((((Tomi))))),
I get so frustrated with my computer....had my reply mostly written & somehow, windows sends my cursor off to never never land & then all of a sudden, I hit a back space or something & poof....the whole thing is gone......grrrrrr.....so here we go again....& again....when I tried to post it, it came back that I wasn't logged in GRRRRR!!!! at least I saved what I wrote, but it had all those funny characters in it that I had to delete.....so finally:

I am so glad you decided to write our your thoughts & emotions about this after we chatted Thursday night.....it's important to get them out so that they can be sorted through & realize what is realistic &; what expectations we are placing on others .....a chance to really analize the thoughts.

This has brought out so many thoughts & feelings that need to be looked at logically rather than emotionally (not an easy thing to do after experiencing such a shocking situation) but it's the best way to pull ourselves through situations like this.

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but the tragic way his life ended and the reasons are beyond my comprehension. It was so obvious what he had done to himself Regardless of what I thought of the dead man, it's a loss of life! This man touched other people's lives! He was given the resources he needed to handle the problems he was having... and yet, he chose to end his life!!! WHY???? He had those he could have reached out to, he had ways out of the problems he had!!! How can anyone feel so hopeless over what seems to the rest of us a completely solvable problems??? The mess he left behind... emotional, mental and physical ... I can't wrap my brain around it!

The other night you suspected that he must have gotten some medical information about his health that drove him to this point....not sure if you have more information about the "Why?" than you did that night, but there had to have been some knowledge that he was given to make him feel so hopeless.....some thoughts....living alone...no family or friends......say a he got information at his age about cancer, or alzheimers, or even dementia. Fear of suffering or having to deal with these things alone could definitely create a fear that could possibly take him to this place in his life (not saying it's right by any means.....but one can only grasp the fear & hopelessness of a condition like that)

You can guarantee that he had to have felt that he wasn't capable of using any of the resources that might have been available for any of the possibilities let alone wanting to live through whatever it might have been even with resources. It is obvious that the perception of others wasn't anything close to what was going on in his own mind. It had to be very strong thoughts in his mind to have taken him to this point...especially being all along with no one to talk it over with.

Remember in his mind, he only left behind the pain & suffering that he didn't want to deal with....any emotional, mental, & physical mess left behind was that of those who had to deal with what happened. Suicide is selfish no matter how it's looked at. The person doesn't have any concern with those who are left or what they have to go through....the only thing on their mind is escaping what they don't want to live through.....that is all they care about or they wouldn't take their own life & leave anything for others to clean up after....that was no concern of his.

Now lets look at the reactions of others to the situation, remembering that this was not a normal death....but a traumatic ending of a life which leaves all feeling very uncomfortable in the first place let alone able to come up with the right words to say or even express all the feelings they are going through.......but we have to also look at the personality of the person who you are having the most trouble with. Put the picture into perspective....look at it logically not emotionally.

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The man and his arch enemy lived next door to each other. The arch enemy was heard to have said "Well, thank goodness, that's one less problem for me." OMG!!! How can anyone be so cold!!! I thoroughly dislike the "arch enemy" and this didn't help matters any with MY problems with him!! I know that *I* am another one of his "problems." Not that I cause any, but it's that he's constantly causing them for ME!! I know that hate is a strong emotion and for the most part, a waste of time and energy... but for right now, I have determined that I am going to HATE the "arch enemy." How can someone have such bitter emotions toward another person that never really did anything to HURT him?? Another person was concerned about the dead man's yard and who was going to care for it!! OMG!!! It's a patch of weeds as it is!!!! A man had just taken his own life!! Who gives a damn about a patch of weeds????

I'm looking at the words....."that's one less problem"...."problem" indicates someone who isn't willing to go along with what they say or do or accept their thinking....maybe not willing to plant his yard in anything except weeds?

To me, someone calling someone "a problem" isn't that bitter of an emotion as a "problem" is a nuisance, an annoyance.....but not anything close to hate.....this comment sounds like it's coming from a insensitive jerk who is an arrogant fool.....but not a family feude where everyone is out to kill each other or even have a strong sense of hate coming from it.

Whatever it was, the comment of being "one less problem" doesn't indicate a strong hatred for the man let alone a strong "arch enemy" sort of relation. From what you have described of this neighbor who said this, you already know how cold & arrogant & rude he is....not sure that his comment should have really surprised you as much as it did. Not sure where the strong "hate" relationship actually came from based on what you have said either unless there is more to it than just his walking into your house uninvited on Christmas with your family all there at dinner & asking for your Christmas turkey leg. That to me indicates more of a very arrogant, pompous, rude person but nothing horribly Hurtful or abusive....more very eccentric pain in the @$$, & not someone you would ever want to choose as a friend or good neighbor, but from this, I do not see anything that would cause a strong "arch enemy" or even truly "hate" feelings here. What I see in this man is that he is an insensitive jerk who doesn't think or care what he says.

I think that everyone there was so completely uncomfortable by the suicide death that it was impossible for them to really find the right words to express what they wanted to say...when that happens, some really stupid things come out. It's hard enough to know what to say when someone dies naturally or from a diesase let alone when they have taken their own life. Honestly at times like that, it's best not to hold onto any words that are said.....there are many underlying emotions that cause stupid words to come out & to allow them to offend you isn't good or wise.

I do want to throw out this question just for a point to stop & think about.....with the hate you feel for this neighbor.....if he were the one to have taken his life.....what would you have had to say about his death? Would you have had anything good to say just because he died? From all that you have said about your neighbor that is alive, I tend to ask the same question: "How can someone have such bitter emotions toward another person that never really did anything to HURT him (you)??"
Of course many times when we are in a highly emotional state ourselves, we tend to read more into comments than are actually there. But I am sitting here only hearing the words that I have been given to base my comments on.

Remember that everyone who was there at the time this was discovered or shortly there after had to have been is a sort of shock & disbelief......it is highly doubtful that they were able to find the right words at a time like that to express what they were really feeling.....especially if no one really knew the man very well.

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I can't erase from my mind the smell and what was missing when they carried him out in a body bag!! finding the 9 mm slug in his arch enemy's carport. I've had my nose is a jar of essential oil trying to get rid of the memory of the smell coming out of his house! Why did they open all the doors and windows to let that smell out into the neighborhood?? Weren't they thinking what it would do to the rest of us???

The picture & smell of this will never completely go away.....part of the path you are on through life......something here that God wants you to learn from, to have imprinted into your memory.....it will lessen with time yes, but trauma's never completely leave our memory.....to remember in the future when something similar comes up or someone else needs help to get through a similar situation.

At the point a trauma happens, it is overwhelming & fills our mind with thought......hardly room for other functioning to happen....this does lessen with time & becomes part of the road we have traveled through life.

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The man was neither friend nor foe. He was a soft spoken, gentle man even if he did have some strange ideas. One neighbor even says that he was FUN!

Looking at the person who died realistically & not putting them on a pedestal just because they died is important.

I have never understood why we have to say good things about a person just because they have died...it's important to be honest about our feelings.....not only good memories follow a person out of their life nor should all the bad. A good friend that I went to college with died of cancer a few months before my Mother's cancer surgery. I had gone through a lot with him & his wife & I knew his personality very well from all the years I knew him (definitely knew I couldn't stand him as a husband as he was a control freak & demanded to control every moment of time).......I could only imagine what she had gone through with him but she wasn't able to say anything until I broke the ice after his death about his controlling personality.....she was finally able to get out what a prisoner he had made her feel.....but many people feel that they can't say anything bad about a person after they have died.....shoot, the truth is the truth & to place expectations on people not to say what they think about a person after they have died, is a huge wrong expectation to place on people.....not always healthy either. I don't think that the comments made about your neighbor were as horrible as they sounded to you at the time.....true, they weren't all gushing about what a wonderful great neighbor he was, but if the man didn't feel that way (he probably shouldn't have said anything at all rather than to have said what he said)....but you already determined long before this happened that he is an insensitive jerk.....so what he said was probably the best he could come up with given his personality.

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I hate it that I'm drawn to my window just to stare at his house and expect to see him going out to his car! He was ALWAYS, several times a day, going somewhere!! Why didn't he consolidate his trips, for pete's sake????

When someone is as close to your life as this man was & was a part of your daily activities & sights, it is normal to feel this way....to expect to see him &; hear him.......have to chuckle about the lack of consolidation of his trips...lol....who knows...maybe he did have dementia & couldn't remember what he had to do until he had to do it or need something from he store......maybe he was just restless & needed to be out & around people, so he needed the excuse to go to the store or wherever......some people just have strange quirks that are a part of their lives & become a part of our observations, thus a part of our lives also through observation.....amazing what we realize is missing when it isn't there anymore. I remember when my cat died when I was young.....He had been a part of my life from the time I was 5 years old until I was 21.....after he died, I remember feeling like I had to quick close the front door behind me just like when he was alive so he wouldn't escape out the front door (as he was a house can that loved his freedom). That action had become such a part of my life that even after he died, it took years to stop feeling the need to do it.....things that become a habit we don't realize until we don't need to do it anymore.
Think this is something you need to take to God in prayer....this is where you will get the help for this issue. It seems that it is definitely an overreaction to him & the whole situation & is maybe a huge part of the learning process that is coming from this situation. Learning to control your emotions & having the self-control that is required of us. Remember, anger when there is just cause is acceptable......but what is it that is justifying your cause??? That is something you need to really determine just how justified your emotion actually is.

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What is grief counseling? Do they help virtual strangers get over the shock of someone doing such a horrible thing to themselves?? How do you justify it?? CAN you justify it??

I think this is a wonderful idea.....they know that anyone who has had anything to do with a suicide situation, whether neighbor, friend, relative, is all affected by it......I would definitely look into getting help with this as suicide is definitely something that is a trauma to anyone it touches.....I don't think you even have to justify for if you are seeking help, that in itself justifies your need.

You will get through this & you will grow in wisdom & compassion from this experience with God's help & the support of those around you.

You know that I always play role of the devils advocate (or maybe I should say God's advocate), taking our thoughts out of the box we grew up with them in......not that those boxes are good or bad....but as a challenge to look at things in a different light.

You always have my support.....know how much I love you,

Debbie

Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

A lot of what you have said is right on and I thank you for it.

My hate for the "arch enemy" did not start with the other man's suicide. It started long before... when he showed me that he knew nothing of boundaries or respect for other people's feelings or their property.

I don't remember if I've said that he claims to have a "good neighbor policy" which is giving people junk that overflows his house. And I do mean, most of it is filthy, nasty junk. He never takes no or a "thank you, but no" for an answer. He insists that if you can't use it, to pass it on. I wouldn't insult anyone I know by passing on his stinky garbage.

Another reason I can't stand this man is that I believe he truly believes he is Santa Clause because he has no problem walking into your house unannounced to put something in your refrigerator or freezer, like he did with me. He acted hurt when I told him that walking into my house without being invited simply would not fly. That was the second time he was told to not just walk in.

On another occasion, he asked me "how much to you weigh, Lard Butt (spelled with a beginning A)?" Shades of my abusive ex husband.

Another time, he heard me telling Jerry, "Cut that rose off... no! not there, at the first group of five leaves." He told me that as a wife, I was reprehensible because I had the nerve to tell Jerry what to do... not ask him "pretty please would you." He didn't know nor did he care that I was following Jerry's directions. He projected his feelings on to me. Shortly after that, Jerry and I were sitting outside by our pond and his man brought over a yellow rubber ducky and threw it into the pond. I took it out and said "It's not that kind of a pond, but thanks anyway" and handed his duck back to him suggesting he keep it to take a bath with. He was infuriated with my remark and marched himself home and violently threw the duck into his trash can.

On another occasion he stopped me when I was walking my dog, pointed his crooked finger in my face and said "I am very unhappy with you!" When I asked him why, he handed me a can of cigarette butts of all kinds and colors. He told me I should put my butts in an ashtray instead of the wind letting blowing them around. Seldom does the wind blow in his direction. It blows in MY direction. Everybody else's cigarette butts that got discarded near his home had become MY responsibility. I pointed out the fact of the several brands of cigarettes and the fact that the wind blows from the direction of his house towards mine so therefore, those weren't my cigarette butts. He got angry, made the remark that some people can't accept responsibility for their actions and stomped home.

Just recently, he's been starting to bring his food leftovers to Jerry and at the same time tells Jerry that if *I* don't start picking up my dog's crap he's going to have to turn me in to management. I DO pick up after my dog and NEVER do I let her go in other people's yard. Jerry is undecided as to who is telling the truth, and what's more, he eats this man's leftover food!! Who knows where it came from, how it was prepared and how long it had been in this man's refrigerator! That's where I got the idea of pouring out the Canada Dry, that we don't use, into the box with the nasty looking left over cake and busting it on his front door step. ARGH! Jerry had eaten the nasty cake before I got a chance to do what I wanted with it!

For the three years that he has lived across the street from me, he has done nothing but torment the dead man and come across the street to gloat. The dead man happened to be African-American, although he denied it. I'm not saying this man wasn't without his strange thinking. The arch-enemy drug out an old Confederate flag he had and told me that it should be a daily anger provoker for the dead man. The dead man saw that the arch enemy would walk on the dead man's yard and told him that if he felt the need to walk on his yard, then he could help him pay the gardener. Strange, but the dead man had the right to tell him to keep out of his yard. He's not the only one that has said that to him, as have I. So... the AE starts getting up around 2 or 3 in the morning and watering portions of the dead man's yard to make it green. Then he took spells of not watering so that it would turn brown again... to make the dead man wonder what the heck was going on with his little patch of weeds!

The dead man and my next door neighbor where friends. They would be standing out in the street talking and the AE would come and start talking to my next door neighbor as if he wasn't already involved in a converstation and not once acknowledging the other man.

He would talk about the dead man as "the empty lot next door to me" within earshot for the man.

NOW... because the ME gave him a card and told him to call her if he saw anyone come around the property, this idiot has become a sentry. If the dead man knew what he was doing, he'd probably be turning flips on his gurney!! To me, this is very self serving and simply attention getting for himself. It is so hypocritical, I can hardly bear it without saying something to him. It wouldn't be pretty, so I keep my mouth shut. Instead, I talk to the manager as a friend and somewhat of a counselor.

I resent this idiot to then nth degree because every time I want to sit outside and just look at the dead man's house to think things through and try to work them out in my mind, this idiot is out there prancing around half dressed in a filthy, flithy ripped up caftan that shows more than it hides. I can't think through things, mourn the passing of a quiet, gentle, although strange man. I can't imagine for myself the hopelessness and despondensy he might have felt the last few days of his life. I can't come to grips with my own feelings about his death without this idiot making a circus of the whole thing and causing my blood pressure to rise! He's still intruding in on my life and my thoughts and my SHOCK AND GRIEF!! ... while he has no grief at all and not even a guilty conscience! He's gloating and taking all the credit for himself!! He is the heigth of HYPOCRECY if I have ever witnessed it before!!

Today I had the thought that is was a sorry shame the bullet didn't travel just a few more feet to take the idiot's life, too. It would have been poetic justice!

(((((((Tomi)))))))
I'm so very sorry this whole incident has fueled a raging fire inside you.
I understand about your neighbor across the street--and all the aggrivating things he has done and does. I would be angry myself for all of it and I am not usually provoked to anger......

I so hate to see this anger toward this man rage in you.
Sounds trite, but we are to pray for our enemies and those that hurt us.
I know how terribly hard that is to do. I usually pray Paul's prayer in Ephisians and let God take it from there.

There are practical things you can do about this man also---let the police know that he enters your home and trespasses your property and get a restraining order.......lock your doors, put up a fence, have an alarm system set up.......just thoughts....

maybe i'm speaking out of turn. sorry if i am.
i will pray for you and what you are going thru after the trauma you have experienced.

((((WI))))

All of the things that you have said about this neighbor are definitely annoying & definitely not a good neighbor....no one I would allow to come close to me or my house, but to take what is an annoyance to the level of hate that you are expressing isn't a good thing. Everything that you have expressed as an annoyance has not actually done any HARM or HURT anyone.....it is definitely one huge annoyance that needs to be handles in a mature way that holds to the values that you really hold onto......such as what WI has suggested.

There are many times when God places things just like this in our life as a challenge to us....a way to give us a chance to develop the fruit of the spirit that we know we are supposed to have such as:
Love your neighbor as yourself.....doesn't mean only your loveable neighbors.....the real challenge come in loving those who aren't loveable.

People who are annoying cause us to have bitter feelings toward them.....we are to aim to restore the joy that God wants us to have.....what shows us better....being bitter, or being joyful?

Where do you find Peace when you have a crazy neighbor antagonizing you continually? When we hold to the values that we know we truly have inside our heart, we will find the peace we are intended to have in our life.

Patience is key in this situation.....remember that patience can't be developed until we are given something to be patient about....being patient with a neighbor like that is the challenge. How we respond to circumstances is important, but how we respond to other is critical. The key is that patience with people is impossible except through God. The key to patience is remembering that we are not to be the judge of others....that is God's job, not ours.....& we are to be forgiving with the goal being to forgive everyone & forgive everything....knowing that all will be judged by God. Knowing that unforgiveness creates bitterness that flames into rage & hatred which eat at us & do us no good.

Kindness obviously isn't a challenge being kind to a nice person....the challenge is being kind to those who aren't kind people.

God's goodness shines through our kindness to others.

We show our Faithfulness by holding to the values & beliefs that are what God has given to us

Gentleness...how do we be gentle without being weak against someone like that? Being gentle yet firm in our stand for our boundaries without tearing him down as a person or his self esteem. (who knows what really lies in his personality covered up by his course exterior). We can listen to them with respect without having to agree with what they say. We treat them kindly & with respect without being rude.....we can show them that we care without letting down our boundaries by being kind & yet firm.

The key to the whole situation however is self-control. It takes self control to be able to act in these ways toward a person who is not likeable or even tolerable. Self-control allows us to set our boundaries with kindness yet firmness. Self-control allows us to act rather than react.

God gives us a chance to show who we really are when we don't stoop to reacting to those who annoy us. It doesn't mean that we open ourselves up to being abused as we are strong enough to stop that in a gentle way...it is through God that we have the ability to stand strong against people who totally annoy us so that we don't have to turn it into the inappropriate feeling of hate when hate is an overreaction.

Take your feelings to God in prayer & you will be given the strength to handle this situation in a way that is beyond your human capability. Shine as an example of how God would want you to react. This is a challenge you have been given to grow in your faith & ability to walk in the path that God intends.

Know you have it in you.....sometimes it's just a little difficult to find.....so take it to God in prayer.....he'll help you find it.


Debbie

(((((((Eskie)))))) Thank you for your words.You have voiced much of what I didn't. I too was thinking about what is under the exterior of this man.
Here on PC we listen to ppl with varying forms of mental illness and pain in their lives. It seems easy to "deal" with someone who has no face or voice and is only a name on a screen. It is very difficult to deal with the RL person with a face a voice and actions we are subject to. I believe it is in the RL that we are challenged.

(((Tomi))))
Not denying your feelings of shock and anger and all that comes with the experience of a traumatic event. By all means you have the right to feel intense personal emotions about what happened.
Other feelings such as hate and and rage toward the neighbor seems to me to be dangerous. Please check them out as these feelings are a toe-hole for the real enemy to scramble your mind and emotions.
Keep your focus.
Breath
Pray
And I will be praying for you also. That your mind become clear and your focus be on Him. That He give you wisdom for today and sight to your heart.

{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie and Iris}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you for your wise words.

The idiot across the street has settled down quite a bit. I don't know if someone spoke to him or not, but at least he's ceased to be the town cryer.

I've been able to disect the situation and now I'm pretty sure I know where my anger came from. It was a bit misplaced but since the man has done some of the same things to me that other's have done, I also have anger toward him.

I had begun to feel some anger towards the dead man as the natural grieving process and it was interrupted by the other man.

Also, I've been aware that my feelings towards the idiot are anything but Christian. I've felt guilt about it, but so far, I haven't been able to do much about it since in one way or the other, he reminds me that he's not going away, especially through my husband. That, too, is a source of anger for me. It seems my husband cares more about not hurting the idiots feelings more than he cares about how I feel. There's a choice to be made here. Either I have a serious talk with my husband, or I take the garbage this man brings over and very plainly tell him "NO. THANK. YOU!! Give it so someone else if you can't use it. We. DON'T. want. it!"

Iris, I promise to check out the Scripture you gave me as soon as I finish this response. But even now, I feel that I need to keep my guard up with this... whatever. Sometimes I feel really threatened by him but I also get glimpses of Indifference towards him. He's been known to run when I raise my voice... well... flat footedly clomp off as quick as he can.

DEEP BREATH... ... ...

Amazing!!! Today the grief counselor comes. Neighbors have been checking in with each other to see who is going. All three that I have talked to today share very similar feelings of anger towards the idiot!

Well... the idiot had the gutts to show his face at the session with the grief counselor. Those of us who lived across the street from the dead man looked at each other in shock.

I started shaking. I almost started crying. I had to be patient while a woman spoke her piece about someone she just lost. As soon as I could, I spoke up to the manager and to the woman that was leading the group and said that I had a huge problem with the last person to walk into the room. He obliged me and left, of course, angrily.

The other one of the neighbors patted and rubbed me on the back, the other one held my hand as I spoke and "seconded" what I said. My husband, for the first time realized the intensity of my emotions. I spoke of how this idiot had always hated Bill and how he had to be in the limelight once Bill's body was discovered, being the "town cryer" up and down our street. The man that was holding my hand backed me up with everything I said. The other man rubbed faster.

I don't remember what I said, but I think I started some arguments? loud talking?... Anyway, a gentleman got up and said that we should get back to what the meeting was about.

The idiot came back in and said he needed to be there and sat himself down again admitting that having come into my house without permission had been wrong. I spoke up and said that hadn't been an issue. He repeated himself. As far as I can see, he gave himself up. That wasn't an issue to bring up at that meeting.

He also said that he did not hate the dead man and that there are no good or bad neighbors... just neighbors. The manager corrected him, reminding him of when he flew the Confederate flag and did a few other things just to annoy the dead man. I don't remember if he made any remark. Probably just kept his mouth shut.

When the idiot came back, the man that had been holding my hand left because he couldn't be in the same room with the idiot. I would have left, too, had my husband had his say. He was feeling guilt for not having pushed more that the police be called.

When the meeting was over, a woman came over and thanked me for having the courage to speak up like I did. Told her I didn't exactly know why the man sets me on edge so. Her answer was so simple! "Maybe because you have a high sense of integrity and you can't stand hypocrecy." So simple! Yes! She was right on!

At any rate, those of us who were there left with the intention of creating a better sense of community within the mobile home park.

I'm feeling much better but I still get short spurts of time that I just want to scream and cry.

OH!! I did tell the grief counselor that I have PTSD from having nursed my mom for six months through her strokes. She validated my feelings and said she could see why I am having a tough time with Bill's passing. She also explained the difference between expecting a death in the long run and the method and suddeness of Bill's death. That not only made sense but it helped me as well as the man that was rubbing my back because he's lost two wives to cancer.

I hope all of us can put this to rest when Bill is layed to rest in a Veteran's Cemetary close by. He was a fighter pilot in WWII. His jazz buddies will be playing taps for him.