[SUNNY2009]

For almost a year I have been in T working on CSA related issues in my life...(there seem to be a lot). Much of what I deal with is related to PTSD, anxiety depression, unreality (if thats a word), aggitation.
I have so many questions, I am overwhelmed.

Triggers....I have a lot of triggers. As each day comes on, they vary, and typically havent anything to do with Child abuse ...or I think not.

When my mom calls - which isnt too often, given that I have put much distance between us over the last 6 mos (Im glad) .... but to the point....when she calls she tends to throw a lot of stress at me....like this morn she called to share pics w/me .. that was good right?....but then she has to tell me abt my foster sisters stuff and then my youngest brothers stuff....I rushed her off the phone....
now I got a bit of anxiousness stirring

When my friend calls (she has lots of issues alchohol is the main one) I have put some real distance between us over the last couple mos ... (Im glad) ...but she called this morn to talk about work, kids sick, needing money .... I tried to rush her off the phone so I would feel ANX.....
I was calm ... a little worried that I may be feeling it later.....

Last night before these 2 calls I had dreamed about both my mom and this friend
.... both are stressors for me both dont hear me,
...both have strong personalioties,
....though my mom has a kind heart (even though she was an abuser)
.... my friend a cold heart
..... but they are both people who stress me out
and they are also people that I dream about having confrontations with
....the dreams are very intense because I am fighting to communicate
.....or sometimes with my dreams of mom she is screaming in anger at me, I never remember about what I only remember the intense feelings of anger, fear, and stress......
....Last nights dream with the friend was similar in that it was intense and I am sure I was trying to communicate what I felt but was not being heard ....
The dreams are scary....fear is definitely part of every instance,
I dont know if I really understand how to confront an issue without feeling it is going to be a battle, with anger and fear and stress being a part of it.

Of course it is only with certain people who for whatever reasons have access to push my buttons.....

Confrontation
Communication
How to say NO
how to calmly shield myself from these instances
how to prepare myself for these interactions and
finally how to cope I guess with it so I dont get stirred up

Later is here.....I can feel the anxiety stirring and I just want to stay in control of it. I want to understand why they trigger me so much.
I feel like I should be able to hear what they are saying and let it go. Sometimes I feel like they are pushing me to take it on or over because they cant handle it.....I am not sure what it is but I want to know how to cope with triggers .... both the ones I know about and the ones I have not yet recognized.

Is the trigger the person? or is it the words? or is it the burdens?

I was always someone who would step up and help, go out of my way to get things done for someone in need......but that is not me anymore, nor do I want it to be, not now anyway..... I want to be in charge of my decisions and who I can help when I am able .... not just jump in without a 2nd thought and get in over my head ....

I would love it if I could get some input here .... I just need to relate to people who have had similiar issues they are trying to work through or have done so.....

[Sannah]

Hi Sunny, do you think that this friend and your mom are self-centered? Might it be that you used to be codependent and now you are changing and the anxiety comes because when you interact with these people all of these issues come up for you to deal with them?

[SUNNY2009]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Sunny, do you think that this friend and your mom are self-centered? Might it be that you used to be codependent and now you are changing and the anxiety comes because when you interact with these people all of these issues come up for you to deal with them?

I am not sure what you mean - self-centered? or co-dependent? I am not real familiar with these terms ..... however ...
When I think of self centered I guess it may mean somone who thinks of only themselves....
I dont think my mom fits into this category, she has always tried to help everybody and usually puts herself last
She has control issues and I think this is more of the issue, she wants to know everything even when its not hers to know, ....no boudaries she just does what she sees as right.....
I do think that my friend thinks her opinion is the only one that counts and its her way or no way...no compromising....she is a hard person and I think she has depended on me ... only I am just realizing it and now I know and understand that I dont need to be the pillar for her .....it is to heavy for me......
I dont think I have depended on either of them ...actually I KNOW I have not been able to depend on either of them MOST OF THE TIME....

[opheliasorrow]

Sunny I hear you so much here. My mum AND dad trigger me badly at times. Mum was a main abuser emotionally, maybe sexually (dissociative amnesia). You asked if we could share our experiences, I hate this as I feel i'm taking over you thread talking about me ... sigh.

When dad calls or when I see him he talks about my step sister and her kids all the time, his house is full of pics of them, non of my kids. He can't understand why I never told him about the sexual abuse, blames me and shuns me quite a bit though I do know he cares ...

Mum drinks a lot .. I distanced myhself from both of them for a year, now they are back in my life but on my terms almost ... what I mean is, if I am feeling like I could become anxious I avoid that situation with them.

Are you in therapy? My therapist helps me with this ... to stay grounded. Anxiety is not so bad these days, but I do still suffer with it. My advice to you is YOU call the shots .... if you think you will be anxious being around these people distance yourself. Sorry if this is ramble, just trying to explain best I can. Please pm me if you need to, I sometimes get a bit self conscious on the boards giving advice

hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon .... sorry if this was long K x

[reg12]

Hi Sunny,
My answer is yes, yes and yes. Triggers can seem very simple, however they are normally quite complexed. I find you have to identify what or who triggers you and then take each one at a time and find the real reason why you get upset. For example your friend may trigger you by smelling of alcohol and then you are reminded of something traumatic that you are totally unaware of. Sometimes there are no clear, direct connections between the triggers and our thoughts that we can see. Carry paper with you during the day. Write down what time of day, what emotion that you felt at the time (fear, anger, etc), who you were talking to, what you talked about and so on. I look for patterns. Take care.


Is the trigger the person? or is it the words? or is it the burdens?

[Sannah]

So your mom might trigger you because she invades your boundaries (and decreases your empowerment) and your friend might trigger you because she also invades your boundaries and wants you to take care of her? You feel you don't have choices around them and that they will impose their will on you???

[SUNNY2009]

Sannah - thanks
This sound like it fits .... Invades my boundaries, my space, my person, my bubble....YES YES .....I feel weak or helpless when they are trying to push their agenda onto me....smothered .... I get panicky from it and start to get really aggitated ....
These days I just avoid because I dont know how to confront without getting aggitated .....I want to someday just say ...."no thanks and this is why" ....or, "hey this is my opinion and I am not going to change it so stop pshing" ... or maybe just say "I dont want to be around you because ____ this is how I am feeling and you P*** me off!"
Someday! LOL!
Thank you for responding I apprecaite you taking the time ... hope you are well and having a good week .... sunny

Originally Posted by Sannah

So your mom might trigger you because she invades your boundaries (and decreases your empowerment) and your friend might trigger you because she also invades your boundaries and wants you to take care of her? You feel you don't have choices around them and that they will impose their will on you???

[Sannah]

I'm glad you understand now what is going on. This is really common stuff that many people have to learn - boundaries and empowerment. They were certainly on my list of issues to work through!