[Schatze]

I've been such a recluse that I've totally distanced my self from my family (except 2 sons & hubby) and today I have to go with my husband and kids to meet our new nephew who was born over night.

I'm getting extremely anxious and feel a panic attack coming on. I don't know how I'm going to face everyone without them knowing what is wrong with me because they are going to start asking questions I'm not ready to answer. The maternity ward of a hospital is not the place I wanted to let them know what I've been going through. I know they are going to start asking questions and I've always been a very private person even before I became a recluse. We have to go to the hospital but I don't want anyone to talk to me. This is going to be a terrible day that I'm just not up for. Not only is my family going to be there, but I've never met my Sister-in-Law's family and they are going to be there too. I'm in no condition to meet people and to speak with them. What am I going to do....it is terrible to feel this way. and I'm very scared.

Missi

Sorry, I'm just seeing your post now. How did it go for you??

emmy

schatze: i'm sorry that i didn't see this sooner. i hope the visit went well for you.......xoxo pat

[Schatze]

Thanks Fayerody & Emily:

I didn't go. I had a melt down (panic attack) in my closet because none of my clothes are fitting due to the amount of weight I'lve lost. My husband saw how upset I got over clothing and decided to postpone our trip until his brother and his wife take the baby home...so hopefully we're going tomorrow. I feel terrible because my sons really wanted to meet their first cousin (they don't have any others).

I think my phobia of leaving the house actually kicked in and I used the clothes as an excuse...although I really don't have any closthes that aren't 1-2 sizes too large. I just pray that my really loose fitting clothing (pants won't stay up unless I hold them) isn't acting as a trigger now. I have been too thin my whole life and I finally started to put on some much needed weight 3 years ago, but coincedently that's the time of my trauma. Now that I've been physically ill due to PTSD, my weight fell back off and I hate it. People have always looked at me and wondered if I'm anorexic...have actually had people ask. I was happy when I started putting on weight and now I'm skinnier than before. I know people would call me crazy for not wanting to be thin, but this is tooooooo thin and I look sickly. I think my clothing is acting as a trigger of loosing all my put-on weight.

My triggers are getting out of control. They are mostly work related (which is bad enough) but things I never imagined are causing panic attacks. I have to find someway of kicking this...I can't just be a prisoner of my house and worse...bed. Just went back to bed the whole day after the closet episode.

I am out of bed today and I appreciate everyone's kind words, they mean alot and are so very helpful.

Missi

Hi Missi,

Oh I can relate to your always being real thin and people asking if you're anorexic. I've been asked that in the past too.... what are people thinking when they openingly ask such a personal question like that??? ( BTW- I'm not anorexic-- just don't eat when nervous and/or depressed.) I'm sorry you're losing weight again, I know how that can feel.

I hope you get to see the new baby tomorrow. PTSD can be such a struggle. I don't recall if you are getting therapy, if not, I highly recommend it. t/c

Mandy

[wisewoman]

Hi Missi, I hope you can talk back to those feelings about wanting to hide and not go out. You have done swo very well. I have never had the experience of being very thin but I do enjoy baggy style clothes. Maybe you can pull that off. Meanwhile, little things can help with your weight like several small meals and nutritional drinks. You can use the blender and whip up fattening, healthy, nutritious drinks. Good luck.

make yourself smoothies........i put 13 lbs on the lady i was taking care of last year. bananas, frozen berries, yoghurt AND whipping cream or half and half. you can really put anything you like in a smoothie. i use tofu (silken) also. i put in wheat germ, flax meal, etc. etc.......but the whipping cream/half and half will really help you. in the afternoon, i made her one with ice cream. good luck. xoxo pat

Schatze,

Going back to bed after such a rotten triggering experience in the closet sounds like a good idea to me! Sheesh! Sounds like you've been pawing through my closet. I too can relate to the freaked out feeling of not having things fit right and the gall people have to comment on how thin one is. Makes me wanna clock them upside the head!

What's going on with therapy in all this? Have you been working on anything lately to make your triggers more present? I'm sorry they are out of control right now. You'll regain the upper hand soon enough....it just doesn't feel like that right now. siiiiiiiigh.

I hope your niece/nephew is healthy and that your sons took delight in meeting their new cousin. Let us know how the visit went. You're talking to folks who have had the same meltdowns you describe.

[Schatze]

Hi Everyone -

Sorry I haven't responded to your wonderful support...just been kinda down...and still haven't seen the baby. (more about that later, can't talk about it right now)

2b1better, I was very overweight at the height of my PTSD and I know being overweight is horrible and if I had to choose between the two I would have to say that honestly I'd choose thin. But I'm just too thin and you're so right that its hurtful to have someone ask a personal question, while sometimes in the company of many other people. What are they thinking!?!? It would be considered extremely rude to question someone about their obesity (especially in the company of other people), so why isn't it considered rude to ask about someone being extremely underweight? OK, I've vented enough on that, thank you for lending me your ear. Oh, I wanted to let you know that I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past two months for PTSD. Thank you for your kind suggestion.

WW, thank you for your thoughtful words. They truly help in my "down" times. I do luv shakes and smoothies .

fayerody, I've made alot of smoothies but I've never thought about using whipping cream or half-and-half. That sounds good and rich! I've gotta try that this weekend.

Thanks again everyone for being so you and wonderful.

Missi

[Schatze]

Hi hz,

That's weird, how did you get that post in before me? I've only been in therapy for 2 months and am still new at this. I was bed/house ridden for 9 months and recently I've been venturing not only out of bed, but out of the house. I do have bad spells still and I never know when they're coming. I do recognize good days and I love them... I hope keep getting more. I think I've made good progress for 2 months but I haven't still have no clue as to what my triggers are, or how many of them I might have, and so on.

Thanks much for your post...it's really put my mind in motion in a good way.

Missi