[AtreyuFreak]

I've been seeing a PTSD therapist for over a year now, and I'm just getting to a point emotionally where I'm stable enough to talk about the CSA I experienced at my brother's hand. I saw my T last Monday, and I started to talk about the very basics leading up to the abuse (where I was born, where I lived, etc) and it went really well. I have DID, so normally I dissociate horribly when discussing the abuse or childhood in general, but I didn't zone out even a little, which was great!

I see her again next Monday. She's already told me that I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to, but that's not what I'm worried about. I am...convinced that while what happened to me sucked, it was not nearly as bad as some people have been through, so I have nothing to complain about. I don't know if this is just my dad's stoicism/stiff-upper-lip mentality showing through or what, but I can see how it might get in the way of therapy. I'm torn between getting help and just burying it cause I'm probably making a big deal out of something that wasn't that bad.

Any suggestions?

[googley]

AtreyuFreak,

I think you should talk about your worries that "it wasn't that bad" with your T. I'm sure that this is not the first time she has had someone who felt that way. It is often easier to think that 'it wasn't that bad' then to admit that what happened shouldn't have and that in accepting that we have to accept that we have lost so much because of it. It doesn't matter even if someone had an experience 'worse' than yours, your experience matters. It was your experience and you deserve to be able to talk about it. You are not responsible for what happened to you. It is scary to talk about these things. I did a lot of talking about how scary it was to talk about what had happened before I was able to talk about what happened the first time. And then again with every new T. Take it at the rate you are comfortable with. Your T is there for you.

Hello, AtreyuFreak. I agree with googley, You deserve to get better. It is your well-being that is important.

Congratulations on the progress you are making.

[Typo]

Hi AtreyuFreak,

Congratulations on your progress with T, that is a big step and you should be proud of yourself for taking it.

I understand how you feel with the thinking it "wasn't that bad" and "haven't others been through worse?" thinking, it hit me very hard when I was first coming to terms with the reality of my own csa personally and in therapy. One thing I learned to counter act that thinking was "I can't compare my life experinces to others" We all have our own experinces in life, things that are trumatic are traumatic there is no way to judge that from person to person. Our experinces (good, bad, truamatic) are all our own, and we all deal with them as needed, please don't compare your experince to others, pain is pain, (T had to work hard to break me of this thinking of "what happend to me wasn't that bad, and I should put it back away")

I think googley had a great idea, with talking to T about those feelings, I know it helped me a lot with them.

Much peace to you on your journey of healing Atreyu, the journey is hard, and sometimes gets harder, but the work is all worth it for the peace one finds,

Many Blessings
Typo

[deliquesce]

good luck, atreyufreak.
nothing to add but wanted to say thanks for starting this thread. i share the same struggles with you - "it wasnt bad enough" and i'm ashamed because of it.
it helps that others think the same way - i don't feel so alone - although of course i wish you were never in the position to begin with.

[AtreyuFreak]

Thought I'd update...

Unfortunately this has not gone away, as I'd hoped it would. Instead it's turned into a depression the likes of which I haven't seen since I first started getting the flashbacks in 10th grade. Back then, I became suicidal and had to go to a mental hospital. I'm better at coping now, but it still sucks horribly...

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm terrified of making this worse. Everyone's telling me to talk about it, that it will get better. But...I'm afraid. Very afraid. I've had PTSD for over two years now, but I've never been able to talk about it, not even a little! I have no idea what will happen if/when I start to talk. And, as far as thinking it "wasn't that bad", you'd think that would make me feel better, right?? Why do I feel like s***?! I honestly don't know...I can see how the denial could be a defense mechanism...the only way I can put it is this, which I wrote like an hour ago.

"They say that denying it is a form of self-protection. That it hurts less to say it didn't happen or that it wasn't that bad than to admit it, and accept the pain. It's a very confusing thing, this denial; on the one hand I believe the voice of denial which says it wasn't as bad as it seems, other people have been through worse; on the other hand, the part of my brain that reasons and thinks rationally says that this denial almost affirms once again that I am a victim and survivor, which completely negates the denial. Welcome to the clusterf*ck that is my mind."

This being said, I don't feel like a survivor...not at all.

Hello, AtreyuFreak. As so frequently happens, I think your posts are ideal summaries of what need to be addressed in therapy. Please consider copying them for you and your therapist to discuss at your next session.

Be well.

[Typo]

(((((((((Atreyufreak)))))))))

My heart goes out to you, reading your posts, reminds me so much of my own struggles in thearpy, it's hard for me to talk about my own abuse as well, and I've also had PTSD for a number of years, I know how it feels that if you talk about it everything is going to get worse, that the world may end, that you as a person may cease to exist,

It won't happen hun, it's hard, it's scarey, I haven't been able to talk about much withouth T's coaxing and help, but what little bit I say, what little bit I share, it makes that big scarey burden we as surviors carry a bit lighter,

Please be kind to your self Atreyu, you are a very brave person to be going to therapy and facing these things, you have the strength within you to conquer this all, there is no race, no set speed you have to go at, you heal, your path on this journey is at a pace that is right for you, set it at the speed that works best for you.

Let us all know how things go at T, keep writing, keep experssing these emotions, the best way to work through something sometimes is just to let it flow, don't fight it or resist it, just sit with it, let those emotions out, they are there for a reason, and work with those emotions with T

Sending many many hugs and lots of peaceful thoughts
Typo

(p.s. you ARE a survior)

[Tatyana2009]

It is so natural to feel this way. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing well. Trust the process and when you feel comfortable enough and the time will be right you will be able to share with T more. Trust yourself. I know how easy it is to feel ashamed of what had happened. But you know what - you are strong and have nothing to be ashamed of. I suffered emotional (and some physical) abuse while I was a child and it took me years in therapy to talk about it. I was too ashamed that this happened in my family, after all I come from a high class, well educated, well off family so how can I disclose all this and call it by its name, it was not so bad and I turned out ok... but you see - I found that it is the moment that you break this cycle of thinking and know you have nothing to be ashamed of and what happened was not your responsibility - in that moment - you become free and such a burdon lifts off. It takes courage and trust to arrive at that moment. So trust the process. Hugs x

[AtreyuFreak]

With some help (from PC ) I've figured out the main reasons why I'm afraid to talk about it with my T:

"I'm afraid that I might be weak. That I might cry or show emotion. That I'll tell her everything and that she'll see me for me, with nothing else to hide behind. I'm afraid of losing that one last secret. That she won't be as strong as I need her to be. I think my worst fear is that I'll spill everything, and she'll say it wasn't abuse, that it was consensual or "normal childish curiosity". I've been trying so hard to push her away or find a reason not to trust her...what happens next?"

After giving it a lot of thought and talking about it to several people (including two survivors I know IRL), I know I'm going to talk about it when I see her on Monday. I'm scared, but it's for the best. Though I'm very torn and ambivalent in emotion about it, I do sense a small and hidden (but strong) hope for the future. That maybe I can exist and be okay without all these walls I've constructed around myself .

[Tatyana2009]

Sounds good to me! I think you are on the right path. Talking to your T about this v.important and also part of healing. You can even copy your posts and bring them with you as a starting point. Just a thought. Good luck in breaking that wall!! x

[writingwithink]

I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you're struggling with this now.

Good for you, AtreyuFreak.

Good for you, AtreyuFreak.

Ruminating over worst case scenarios serve no purpose. Something very bad happened to you. You are on the cusp of fully disclosing the trauma and your therapist will be there to console, explain, support and help you grieve. If you are to find a semblance of piece the worst must be revisited. The discomfort and pain will be very real. The reward for saying what needs to be said will become more apparent in the weeks that follow.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.