[Delphia]

Hi,

I'm new here and my English is not very good. But maybe somebody can help me.

My daughter (16) seems to have a speechless terror. Sometimes when something happened to her she just doesn't speek anymore. In such moments she might only write just simple sentences like "i want toilet" or "yes" or "no". Later she will tell, that she could understand everything we spoke about. Since she was four she was able to be quiet for 48 hours!!! At that time I got divorced from my first husband (her father) who up till now didn't accept the fact that I divorced.

Since mid-march she lives at a friends house because she doesn't want any contact to me as her mother anymore. She can't say why.

She has a long history. I might tell more about it later.

Thanks for a feedback!

Delphia

[jexa]

Delphia,

This sounds like selective mutism. This has been since she was 4 years old? Did she suddenly stop speaking or has she always been fairly quiet?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism

Delphia, has your daughter bee evaluated by a psychiatrist? When was the last time she had a physical?

Good luck.

[Delphia]

Thanks for your answers.

She spent last year two weeks in a hospital after such a speechless attack. She said to her friend's mother that she didn't want to see me anymore. She had this because I told her that she had to pack her suitcase as her class had to go to a summercamp the next day. She didn't want to go to this summer camp. Furthermore she had told to a social help worker at school that she already had thought to commit suicide when she was at her father's about four weeks before.

In the two weeks the contact between us was reestablished, thus she came home. The psychiatrist said that we had to discuss every evening how the day had been for her. She never came to discuss. On the Sunday we told her that this time we had to discuss. She run away into the woods nearby. She didn't want to come home. As the psychiatrist had told us that she was a candidate for suicide, we had to get her with the police. She tried to escape. They put her in a psychiatric hospital for seven weeks. After that time she came home again until a few weeks ago.

The first time I noticed that she doesn't speek was in 1998, when I got divorced from my first husband. Once she came back from visiting him and I heard her tell her brother (he was 2.5) that he shouldn't talk to me. She managed not to speak to me up to two days. The psychiatrist in 1998 didn't find out what it was.

I read quite a lot about speechless terror these past few weeks. Nowhere I found something why my child doesn't speek to me. "Normally" such children don't speek to other people, but the contact to the mother remains.

As I have no idea what could have happened in her life, I'm quite desperate. If you have an idea....? Thank you very much.

[skeksi]

It sounds like it has been a hard road keeping your daughter safe. How scary for you.

Have you asked her psychiatric team about the causes of her distress? Do they help run family counseling sessions with you? Often having professional guidance in communication can be helpful for everyone when someone is hurting so badly.

[NuckingFutz]

Maybe if we had an idea of the original trauma, we could go from there. You said she had a long history. The answer may be in that history. Can you share that history with us?

[Delphia]

Thanks for your answers.

We don't know what the original trauma was!!!

I wrote her story down for the psychiatrist, but it's not written in English, I'm afraid. I would have to translate this. I will try.

Extremely short version:

I got to know her father when I was 20. We took a flat together when I was 22. I got married to him fours years later. Early 1993 I got pregnant for the first time. I lost this baby very early. She was born in 1994. During the whole pregnancy I was afraid to loose the baby because of the first pregnancy. My husband thought it was my fault that I lost the first baby, that isnt't so. Furthermore I knew I couldn't have an disabled child as my husband had told me, we would have to give it free for adoption.

I didn't have problems during the pregnancy. She was born on a natural way. She is not ill at all, she was a healthy young baby, child and will be soon woman. About 16 months later I gave birth to her brother. When she was 3 1/2 I got separated from her father. I wanted the divorce. It was an awful time, because he didn't want to divorce.

We had to divorce as he hurt me very much with his sayings, his lies and the perpetual contact to his parents. He had to prove to his parents, especially to his father, that he was a good boy. It was for all three of us a very hard time. He said a lot of bad things to us, especially to me. He told me then he would take me the children away.

I spent two years alone and then I met my second husband. He has three girls who all live with us. We live together for 10 years now and we got married in 2001. We don't have more children together. His Kids were then 11, 9 and 6. My children were 6 and 4.

The trauma is coming from the behaviour of my daughter's father. This is the opinion of one psychologist. Her father thinks no good of her, because she should have been a boy as firstborn child!

Well, I write more but today I'm very tired. Sorry! It is difficult for me to translate...

Thanks anyway

[Perna]

Her life sounds confusing for her (your ex-husband telling her one thing, that you and she are no good and you another by getting a divorce from him) and I think she has no other way to express that. She cannot be bad around your husband it does not sound like but you do not criticize as much and get her help, so she is bad around you.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like your emotionally and verbally abusive ex is still hard at work turning your daughter against you. He's working so hard at it, that it is undermining your efforts as a mother. Maybe some counseling for both you and your daughter? Perhaps the counselor can recommend a solution to get your family back on the road to healing. Keep posting and let us know how it is going.

[Delphia]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your answers.

I do think that she is caught in the middle of the psychological fight between her parents (her father and I). He manages to always find something to fight about.

I accepted for a long time all the bad things he did to us und I forgived him truly. I do say so because I believe in God. I do not want to search in the past. I will go on and it is the best for my daughter.

With her actual behaviour (not speeking in special cases) people do always think that she ist not normal and they want to put her in the psychatric hospital. There they told us last year that she is not ill, but they could'nt say more.

Thus, I try to find out how to live with this speechless terror thing.

Thanks anyway for your feedbacks!

You and your daughter are in my thoughts, Delphia. May you soon find a solution.

[Delphia]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

You and your daughter are in my thoughts, Delphia. May you soon find a solution.

Thank you very much.

At the moment I do pray very much.