[ickydog2006]

(might trigger)

This weekend I had to go to a conference for all of the apprentices in science and engineering in Oregon. I was a little nervous cause I don't like social situations because they often trigger me, but I was looking forward to being away from work. I managed to do really well for the first part. A lot of people started conversations with me and despite the boring seminars I was having fun. There was a swimming pool and games there that night and I was so thrilled cause I haven't been swimming in soooo long. For the most part I relaxed in the pool and then decided to go into the hot tub. There were a few people and I was doing fine...not for long. Because of past experiences I was extremely on edge because of the older man in there. As soon as I sat down he couldn't take his eyes off my breasts. I wanted to let the water relax my ankle (which I hurt during the day) but I started to shake and realized I had to get out of there. I left and took a shower and cried and now it is all I think about. I'm going throuhg complete paranoia, and every little thing is setting me off. I keep the fan on high to drown out most suttle noises but I am so tired and I want to shut my eyes but all it does is make me have flashbacks and scare the heck ouit of me. I don't know what to do. To top it off my mind keeps saying that I deserved those looks. I was asking for it by wearing that bathing suit. I keep trying to remind myself that it is not a provocative swimsuit and that I did nothing to attract his attention, but I can't help feeling like I deserve it and that it is all my fault?

[Gemstone]

((((((ickydog))))))))) I hope your feeling better today. It wasn't your fault.

[(JD)]

sigh.. hope you're doing some better today. Try and remember how much you progressed for the most part... and try not to dwell on the bad stuff...

[shadowdancer]

i'm going to say this because i don't think any of us hear it enough: it is NOT your fault. flashbacks are horrible. i don't know what things trigger you but maybe listening to soothing music would help? my thoughts are with you... i hope things get better soon. if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime.

-shadowdancer

[ickydog2006]

Thanks guys. I'm doing better. Still having paranoia problems but the flashbacks are backing off. I am so glad I have somewre to go to talk about these things.

[catgirl]

icky, i was wondering if you had any suggestions for a particular situation that i think you might be able to relate to....my abuser is still around, he can't hurt me anymore because i'm not a child but he still does look/stare as you mentioned in your experience. i hate that dirty, guilty feeling it evokes. lately, i've just not looked at him whatsoever so that his eyes can't effect me. what do you think?

[ickydog2006]

My only advice is to stay away from him. My abuser is also still around. He was/ is a girls volleyball referee. After my experience he was no longer able to be at the middle school...but now I'm in highschool. He still referees the games there and I had to give up playing and watching because of it. That was the only way for me and it still doesn't make it go away. I had another really ad flashback a couple of nights ago which triggered a panic attack. I posted a poem about it and I will post it here...

I'm so tired. My body is wearing thin.
I can't breath. It's sucking me in.
The dark memory encircles me.
Why can'tit just leave me be.
I start to shake, and want to cry.
Why won't it just let me die.
It pulls me under. It won't let go.
I can't escape. There's to much I know.
It's scaring me. I want to run.
It toys with me. It's haveing fun.
I couldn't run then. I can't run now.
I can't make it go away. I don't know how.
He is still here. The memory lingers on.
Will it ever, forever be gone.
SI helps make it, go away.
But soon it returns, and makes me lay.
Lonely and scared on the inside.
Shaking and gasping, wanting to hide.
Only my death wil end the pain
But untill then, the memory will remain.

I'm betting a lot of people on here can relate to this. I wish I had more advice to give, and if you come up with a solution please let me know.

[catgirl]

thanks for caring and writing back. the real "stickler" here is that the person i was referring to is my dad...i can't really just not be around him. i do limit the time spent. i will see him tonight. my boys wanted grandpa and grandma to come to pizza hut and bowling since it's my oldest's birthday.

you poem is immersing. it's like someone else lives and breathes the same experience/torment as you do. i suppose even though i can feel so alone in it, poems like yours help me realize that it's really not aloneness...you wade through the same %#@&#! as i. thank you for sharing.

[shadowdancer]

(((((((ickydog)))))))) ((((((((((catgirl))))))))))

i can relate. both to trying to limit contact and not being able to. stay strong, you guys. hang in there and it will get better...someday. keep writing, it will help. if either of you need to talk or just want someone to listen, PM me. i know what you're going through.

-shadow