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#1
Jun 08, 2011, 08:40 PM
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Hey everyone,
This is my first time writing about this so bare with me please.I am a 21 year old male.In the past few days i finally admitted to being sexually molested as a little boy between 2nd and 4th grade by my neighbor(male also) who was my best friend at the time on several occassions. He mad me do things that i never want to do ever. Having finally opened up about this, it has caused me to mentally break down. Every moment of every day i am always questioning who i really am as if who i am is not good enough. Through out my life i have always had trouble trusting people and yet to this day i still have trouble doing that. I havent been able to hold a relationship with my previous girlfriends, and it has caused me to doubt myself as a man. In return this feeling causes me to have zero to very low confidence, self-esteem, and so on. I have dealt with depression throughout many points in my life and i have used alcohol and drugs in order to deal with the pain. I feel as if my world is coming down crashing on top of me and it is too much for me to handle. i dont know what to think of anything anymore and it has even caused me to doubt my sexual orientation which i have never had any doubt about until recently when the pain of the abuse started to come back. Having been abused by a male it causes me to doubt my sexual orientation even though i know i didnt know better at the time, but it is always giving me anxiety attacks. I have trouble sleeping, eating, and i have nightmares at times. I cry myself to sleep on numerous occassions. My stomach is always hurting as if i have to throw up and my back is constanstly hurting is i havent stretched in weeks. At this point in my life I am completely lost and dont know how to deal with this trauma. I dont know what im really suppose to write on this, but if anybody has been through something similar like this i would love to hear back from you guys. Any help is much appreciated. Thank you Last edited by Christina86; Jun 08, 2011 at 09:55 PM. Reason: added trigger icon |
 LavalampTerry
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#2
Jun 08, 2011, 11:00 PM
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Burton
I so sorry all this has happened to you. When I finally admitted to myself my childhood abuse, the memories came flooding back to me as well and I ended up having a breakdown. It is very traumatic when all these memories come back. All the questions. Why didnt anyone protect me? It's really important that you get support, you list several symptoms of depression in your post. maybe find a therapist to help you work through these memories. it became too much for me. i tried to stuff it too much after the breakdown, pretend i had it together. started having problems sleeping, the bad guy was after me, grabbing me in my sleep and waking me up, got psychotic and ended up being hospitalized against my will. |
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#3
Jun 09, 2011, 04:08 AM
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Burton,
Find a therapist that has experience dealing with PTSD and trauma that you can relate to. It may take a couple before you find the right person; but it is worth the time it takes. It was not your fault! You were a child and you couldn't have changed what happened. Please get into therapy. You can't deal with this on your own. |
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#4
Jun 11, 2011, 01:15 AM
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I was abused as a child by a neiborhood grandpa, over a period of many years. I brokedown after having my daughter turn the age I was when he started grooming me, I didn't have a clue what was going on. I thought I was "going crazy" I certainly felt that way. I was also dealing with an abusive husband and working full time.
I lucked into a fantastic frist T. I was always being in control, always the caretaker, so I drove myself to the hospital one night after a really bad beating for stitches. The ER knew how I had gotten the many brusies, and cuts, and wanted to send the police to go arrest him but I didn't want to put my daughter in jepardy, so they gave me the number of a therapist. As I said I thought I was going crazy. The first thing he did was reasure me I wasn't crazy, if you think that, then you aren't! At first we thought it was the curent abuse that was making me jumpy, and unable to eat, sleep, crying for no reason and the night terrors. My startle reflex was was up there with a wild animal. He told me he suspected more. It wasn't untilmuch later when the Pdoc put me in the hospital and had me discrible the face in my nightmares to my mother who wanted to know why I was dreaming about a dead neighbor that I found out the face was real and had a name. Things did get even worse after that...for a while. But then they got better. I learned how to calm myself by breathing, how to stay present, all kinds of other tools that I learned helped me feel real, solid, and normal again. It does take time. Make sure you have a Pdoc & T who understand trama, and PTSD, know how to teach you the tools you will need. Most of all know that its not you fault, and be patient and care for yourself the best you can at this point. It does get better.  
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| slowinmi
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#5
Jun 11, 2011, 01:16 AM
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I was abused as a child by a neiborhood grandpa, over a period of many years. I brokedown after having my daughter turn the age I was when he started grooming me, I didn't have a clue what was going on. I thought I was "going crazy" I certainly felt that way. I was also dealing with an abusive husband and working full time.
I lucked into a fantastic frist T. I was always being in control, always the caretaker, so I drove myself to the hospital one night after a really bad beating for stitches. The ER knew how I had gotten the many brusies, and cuts, and wanted to send the police to go arrest him but I didn't want to put my daughter in jepardy, so they gave me the number of a therapist. As I said I thought I was going crazy. The first thing he did was reasure me I wasn't crazy, if you think that, then you aren't! At first we thought it was the curent abuse that was making me jumpy, and unable to eat, sleep, crying for no reason and the night terrors. My startle reflex was was up there with a wild animal. He told me he suspected more. It wasn't untilmuch later when the Pdoc put me in the hospital and had me discrible the face in my nightmares to my mother who wanted to know why I was dreaming about a dead neighbor that I found out the face was real and had a name. Things did get even worse after that...for a while. But then they got better. I learned how to calm myself by breathing, how to stay present, all kinds of other tools that I learned helped me feel real, solid, and normal again. It does take time. Make sure you have a Pdoc & T who understand trama, and PTSD, know how to teach you the tools you will need. Most of all know that its not you fault, and be patient and care for yourself the best you can at this point. It does get better.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#6
Jun 21, 2011, 05:46 PM
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Hello
Although I wasn't abused as a child I was raped as a child on one occassion by someone who I didn't know. I only remembered this years later as I had blanked it out of my memory... I also thought I was going crazy when I started to recall what had happened. I thought I was disgusting for making these stories up and hated my self. I am now only just starting to allow myself to deal with what had happened but am now dealing with horrific nightmares and waking up screaming; being extremely distracted in the day (unless I am doing exhaustive exercise) having intrusive thoughts of what happened. I feel very teary and sad and feel like I won't ever be able to function properly again. When it all came back to me I too had a breakdown but then I pushed it to the back of my mind again and now I am broaching the trauma I feel like I'm going to fall off the edge again. I understand what you went through must have been 10x worse than what I went through but it seems many of the reactions are similar. I can't offer advice as I too need it but I hope it helps knowing that the reactions to what happened must be normal ones. I'm sprry I couldn't have been of more help but if you need to talk about anything I am always happy to listen. |
| slowinmi
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#7
Jun 21, 2011, 06:26 PM
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I was talking to my T today and I was expressing the fact that actually did remember and could not understand why I now have flashbacks.
But one of the things he did tell me is that many times people forget or surpress experiences from their memory and then have child that age and suddenly remember and experience all the flashbacks and feeling that are described here. If you do not have a therapist it is very important to find one ASAP so that you can begin therapy that will help you realize that you were not only a victim but you are experiencing PTSD and you can recover. Please don't feel guilty and when you feel overwhelmed sit quietly and breath deep down into your stomach and let the air out slowly. Also tell yourself to just be in that moment, one moment at a time. What is running you is the emotions that are connected to these memories. But they are not happening now and they are memories and one can easily be consumed by emotion. So don't let that happen, sit and relax, breath and stay in the moment. And, find a therapist that specializes in PTSD which would include SA. We are here to listen and offer support and to tell you, calm down you can recover and be normal again. Open Eyes |
| slowinmi
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#8
Jun 21, 2011, 07:15 PM
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Quote:
So what you need to think about is that it can happen with children as they start to explore their own body and they discover that something feels good and it can be very innocent. They dont always view it as a grownup does, they just think it is something that feels good. And you may have participtated and felt pleasure and even had some reservations about it. But you are now 21 and you look at that activity very differently. So you are not really looking at it from a young child's perspective. A young child doesn't understand it the way you now understand it. So some of your guilt and fear is that you are looking at it from the perspective of a 21 year old that really knows the difference. And just because you may have felt pleasure, just by experiencing how a body responds to a certain activity, doesn't mean you are a bad person. And it doesn't mean you are gay. It was just an experience that you had as a very young boy. It is very normal for young children to explore their bodies and they may discover this. But they don't really think of this like you do now. It would be different if it was a man that took advantage of you as a man does know the difference. So try to remember this. Don't wallow in guilt over this, something happened and at the time you didn't look at it the way you do now. But back then you may have had reservations about it, that would be normal. Now you are a young man, you understand sex now and what it means. So, you are in your right to be attracted to a woman and experience your sexuality as a man, in a way that you now know differently. And you are going to learn about that too and it takes time to learn about this and understand it. Give yourself a chance and try not to feel guilty for your past. Try not to let is say anything more than what it was. Take your time and see what you are as a man. Try not to let the past inhibit what you are now, try not to let it interupt you and confuse you into making a mistake or feeling you are something that you may not be. If it continues to trouble you find a good therapist and talk about it. That may ease your mind and allow you freedom to be a man now and figure out who you really are. Open Eyes |
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#9
Jun 21, 2011, 10:58 PM
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Burton, I am an adult woman who was abused as a child. One of my abusers was my older brother. Older by four years. He was a child of 8; I was 4 when it started. I always wondered what would have made him start that and how would he now the physical things he knew. Come to find out he was being abused by an adult friend of my dad. The thing is, I am not saying your friend is not responsible, I am saying that if he was your age he was most likely a victim himself. The fact that you are talking about it here means that you are GOING TO BE OK!! You have taken the first step to healing and health and happiness, my friend.
As to the sexual orientation issue. I agree with other posts, children naturally experiement and experienceing pleasure with a same sex friend as a child does not mean you are gay. I do know that my brother struggled into late adulthood with the shame and guilt of being abused by a man, and as a result destroyed two marriages through his recurrent infidelity...trying to prove to himself he wasn't gay. He wasn't, he isn't, but I understand his struggle. As to you? Being abused won't make you gay. You just need to breathe and get some support from a good therapist and breathe lots more. And be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. You will figure out the rest once you learn to love and accept yourself. But healing from abuse will take time and commitment, you will need to learn skills and practice them. But you can do it. You are young and you already shown you have the courage to face your abuse. And .... the abuse is over. It is no longer happening and you are safe. Be kind to yourself. |
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#10
Jun 22, 2011, 11:15 AM
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Relax...I have done groups for people that deal with limiting beliefs, secrets, and things that hold people back. In closed-eye processing, the question is asked, How many guys in this room had a sexual experience with a guy as children?. At least 85% hands are raised as a disclosure, and commonly, this is the first time there was even an acknowledgement. It means nothing in relation to sexual idenity. Identity confusion is common at 21 anyway, who am I, who do I relate to, what can I achieve, who is in my corner. I suggest a counselor and/or a life coach to help you smooth out these common wrinkles.
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