[Can't Stop Crying]

1. I need to vent....I am tired about hearing how God can heal me. If I had cancer, would they tell me that? There was no god in that room when my father was stealing my innocence

2. How do you respond to insensitive, hurtful, and/or unsupportive comments by others? It hurts to see that, what's an appropriate response?

3. How do you respond to questions about your parents (when they were your abusers) My parents are very much alive, but I have had no contact with them in years. They are dead to me, but I don't feel comfortable saying they're dead to others. Any good responses?

thanks

[cautious hope]

How about; "I have no relationship with them and prefer it that way." Dead sounds shocking and even though thats what you want to say, it will put people off. But by all means, say it here, to your shrink and any one you may be close to. Saying it outloud feels good. It might make some people even laugh. If you are Jewish, or are around someone that is, you might make the motion of tearing your sleeve, a sign of morning in the Jewish culture. It always brought a laugh to my ex.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry Can't stop crying, I wish I had that kind of wisdom. I am one of the believers in God will heal. He has with me, it has taken time, blood, sweat, tears, pain, emotional digging and mostly the Lord but I was healed and one day you will be as well. I'm sorry your father did that too you, too many of us can relate to stories as this and it's horrifying and makes me want to cry my eyes out hearing about it happening to others. I am deeply sorry for your pain and if I could, even not knowing you, I would take your place to take away that pain from anyone. I wish I could but know there are people here that understand and wish they could take it away too.

When it comes to people upsetting you with nasty remarks, I can't really answer that question either. Lately though I've learned a new strategy with dealing with those people, and the people who hurt me. I got tired of being angry and realized that it did nothing for me but drive me into deeper holes. You have to learn to accept that some people, no matter how hard you try or how much you want them to, will not change for anything. They are who they are and there is nothing you can do about it. They may be cruel to you with their words and they may rile you up and seem inconsiderate but who knows what they are dealing with and who knows what they will have to deal with for treating you this way. It does come back around even if you don't see it happen to them. When you are happy you don't look to bring someone else down, you only do this if you have strong emotions boiling inside of you, so chances are these people are suffering inside much more from their own flaws then they would by any word we could say to them. It's all about acceptance and realizing that their words only have as much power as you give them.

As far as your third question goes... I struggled with that question in reguards to my father the entire time he was growing up. While my brother lied and said he was a NFL football player up north, I on the other hand would tell my whole life story to anyone who would ask. I needed to vent and thought others wanted to hear. They don't. On here though they do more then other times. What I tend to do now is keep it very simple. All I say to anyone who asks where my father is, that he's in Florida. Plain and simple. If they ask why I say he lives there. They don't have to know how often you see him or what he has done, all they need to know is that he is not there. If your parents are within speaking range just make up them living across the country and leave it at that. Most of the time people tend to accept that as an answer.

I'm happy to see that you are away from the environment, it's a wonderful thing to be free from that abuse, although it's such a terrible thing it happened before. I'm sorry I couldn't give the golden words that make everything better but please do know we do care and we are here for you anytime you need it!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry for your experiences and how negative and hurtful they have been to you. You have legitimate questions, imo.

I can't reply here directly about your questions about God, but they are common ones and quite understandable (that one would question about it!!!)

Perhaps once the SOUL FOOD forum is created, you can read there about how healing and God and all that is involved when harmed.

I do think it's important to not blame God for what evil people do. Whether you believe in "God" or not ... it's important to have a higher power, imo, and not to lower that higher power as though with human traits and errors.

I hope you find someone, something stronger than you to believe in and feel safe with.

Yes, saying your parents are dead to you is acceptable at this point. If they are the cause of your abuse, then they never really were good parents, were they? They didn't protect you as parents are responsible to do. Work with your therapist as to how to work through this... though it may never come to confronting them and having a good outcome.

[FFABD]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

1. I need to vent....I am tired about hearing how God can heal me. If I had cancer, would they tell me that? There was no god in that room when my father was stealing my innocence

2. How do you respond to insensitive, hurtful, and/or unsupportive comments by others? It hurts to see that, what's an appropriate response?

3. How do you respond to questions about your parents (when they were your abusers) My parents are very much alive, but I have had no contact with them in years. They are dead to me, but I don't feel comfortable saying they're dead to others. Any good responses?

thanks

I'd love to address some of these very legitimate points if I can.

Having actually been on both sides of this first question, meaning I actually had cancer (had is a great word here. ), and I got a lot of well meaning spirituality pushed my way, I always try to take a deep breath and try to understand why people say things like "God will heal you". It is to comfort themselves in the emotionality they are feeling in terms of the situation. I like that, that someone can comfort themselves, cause I don't want to see anyone suffer. But it isn't for me, nor will it ever be. You can only work on you, on how you do things, and how you react, even when it is hard and you've got so many well-earned through negative experience autonomous responses.

(JD) makes a good point about letting go. A really good point that for a lot of people is the Judeo-Christian God and for others is a Higher Power. From my experience, and it is only my experience, the act of surrender, (which I am still working on, desperately), the letting go is all that matters. Understanding that you can't control, you can't change events beyond what is in front of you, and that in trying to do so, even though it is a reasonable response to what you've gone through, isn't making you better. Talk it through, but understand, for you, what you can and can't control, and give up what you can't.

When people are insensitive, that is their thing. The best thing you can teach yourself is to just walk away, at least not letting your reaction to their perpetuation of your trauma run you over and take control of your conscious brain and emotions. It takes practice, lots of it, but like I said, you can control only what is inside you, not the jerkiness of someone who's mean or an *****.

You are a brave soul. You can't be around your parents, even though every genetic, social and anthropological drive says that you "should". That's bravery. If it comes up, I am a fan of the approach that cautious hope described, be honest, direct and let that be that. There is no shame in your circumstance CSC, you've made a tacit choice that makes you healthier. That's courage.

Hugs.

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

1. I need to vent....I am tired about hearing how God can heal me. If I had cancer, would they tell me that? There was no god in that room when my father was stealing my innocence

2. How do you respond to insensitive, hurtful, and/or unsupportive comments by others? It hurts to see that, what's an appropriate response?

3. How do you respond to questions about your parents (when they were your abusers) My parents are very much alive, but I have had no contact with them in years. They are dead to me, but I don't feel comfortable saying they're dead to others. Any good responses?

thanks

1.When People tell you God can heal you, they mean it well - personally, i lost my faith a long time ago, but have learned to respect that others need to have something to believe in. I believe in ME. I helped myself feel better. but that's just my opinion.

2.So many people don't understand your situation - I think it's best to disengage and just change the subject or get away from those people - getting more upset, arguing, etc only makes you feel worse.

3.My answer to the question about your parents would be a simple "we don't speak" or " I think they are in ____" and if anyone asks anymore questions, I've learned to say, "i don't discuss this/them" and move the conversation to something else.

There was a point where I changed my thought process from being a victim to being a survivor. That has made a huge difference in my life.

[purple_fins]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

1. I need to vent....I am tired about hearing how God can heal me. If I had cancer, would they tell me that? There was no god in that room when my father was stealing my innocence

2. How do you respond to insensitive, hurtful, and/or unsupportive comments by others? It hurts to see that, what's an appropriate response?

3. How do you respond to questions about your parents (when they were your abusers) My parents are very much alive, but I have had no contact with them in years. They are dead to me, but I don't feel comfortable saying they're dead to others. Any good responses?

thanks

!.-- YEA!!! If there is a god why would he/she allow such things to go on to little children-- and why in the heck would I want to turn to him/her for healing/comfort? How could a "god" let such horrible abuse happen to the most fragile beings? it makes me feel sick to my stomach...

2. -- Well, if it's really sincere then I try to look at where their "heart" is-- and if it's meant to be good I try and see that that is what they meant-- good and kindness... even if it doesnt' feel that way to me. I don't say anything back unless it's someone close-like a relative, then I explain how I feel and try to let them know what could make me feel better to hear.

3. I'm sorry I don't know how to deal with this either.