on the edge...

Hi. I am new to this site and am so grateful to have finally found a safe, supportive place.

I have been dx'ed with Complex PTSD w/ psychosis NOS and Bipolar Disorder. I won't get into the gory details but I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused at the hands of my so called biological "father" for 15 very long years. Every sick, vial thing you can think of happening, happened. Every single day. Started when I was 2 went on until I was 17.

I am now 28 years old and have been suffering for a long time. The flashbacks consume me. I am in a constant state of depression or in complete rage with the depression. I'm also a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I still struggle with pain pills at times. I have used/use to mask the hatred burning inside of me...all of the pain from my past that I have never truly dealt with. I've overcome cutting, eating disorders and other things but I am stuck in this deep depression. I feel like it's slowly killing me inside. I have such an intense self hatred, I've never learned to love myself. I have guilt and shame plaguing me. My skin crawls and I feel trapped and I want OUT. Everyone I try and talk to don't understand why I can't just "get over it". 3 words I despise. This has caused me to shut down inside and continue shoveling it all underneath inside while I throw up my fascade. "I'm just fine"

I am a SAHM to my beautiful 3 yr old daughter and I do a fantastic job at putting up a fascade and hiding all of this pain from her. I have perfected hiding all of this **** and burying it all inside. I hide behind this mask that I have perfected over the years. No one can see the pain inside, unless they look hard enough into my eyes.

My daughter is a non verbal autistic as well as being ADHD. Her special needs are very time consuming because not only am I a SAHM - I homeschool her as well. It is the most rewarding job I could ever have and I am truly blessed to have her in my life and to be her mother. It's challenging at times but she is the light of my life. She keeps me going. She keeps me out of the hospital because she deserves better. She is my inspiration to be a better person. Her having Autism has changed our lives ... for the better. I choose not to focus on it being a "disability" but rather different abilities. I want to raise her to embrace her differences.

I live in constant chronic pain. My spine is that of someone twice my age. I have Degenerative Disc Disease, multiple herniated discs, extensive arthritis and nerve damage, sciatica, and facet joint damage. I am only 28 years old and I will be lucky if I make it to 35 years old without some kind of assisted walking. I am terrified of ending up in a wheelchair and losing all mobility. I can't walk for more than 10 minutes at a time, stand still for more than 5 minutes, etc not to mention I cannot walk without pain in my every step...so I feel like I am getting dangerously close to that point.

I must juggle all of this with my mental illnesses and I feel like I am losing my mind. Like I am dying inside slowly. I have no one to talk to, no support. At all. I do everything on my own. I am married but feel like a single parent trapped inside a marriage. I have a PDOC and see a therapist. My meds are half a$$ed working and I've been searching for the right combination for over 11 years. I fear I will never know what true happiness is. What it's like not to be consumed with intense self hatred.

I am miserable and so alone. I cannot cry as I have no tears left to cry.

I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. I'm happy to have found somewhere I can go where others may know what I'm going thru...thanks.

-Jess

Welcome to PC. I hope you find it to be a helpful and supportive place. It sounds like you've overcome a lot of bad experiences and challenges and face a lot in the future. That takes courage. Remember that you are a survivor.

I too have C-PTSD. but I'm largely asymptomatic now, I'm also a recoverring alcoholoic. It's taken me years of therapy, and it's going to take many more years I suspect to fully heal. I'm luck in that I'm working with a trauma specialist, and she's helped me immensely. Does your T have any specific training in trauma? If not you might consider looking for one who does. I too used to stuff everything - that didn't help me. It just led me to various self destructive means of coping. Be honest with your mental health care providers about how you're feeling. It may feel scary in the moment, but it's the only way to heal in my opinion.

Take care of yourself.

---splitimage

Wow, You have so many challenges my friend.

I don't know how to address the physical pain but maybe I can help with the other pain that takes from what you DO have.

There are a lot of people here that suffer so much abuse. It is a painful thing to see, the words of how do I, how can I? HELP!!!!

I know how you feel when you say you feel dirty, and cannot seem to erase that feeling. I also know how it feels to be asked to just get over it, or its in the past, gone, let it go. Those are words that come from people who just have no idea how it really feels. If only it was just that easy, we can say.

Much of what you are feeling is not only the incredible betrayl, but that someone who was suppose to love you unconditionally and safely, failed you. Because you were so young when it all started, you really believed that it was a form of love. And you believed that your father was somehow loving you. This is one of the most difficult betrayls of all for any young girl. For any woman who experiences this past, at some point they do recognize the significane of the this betrayl and how they participated within it. The guilt is overwhelming and the betrayl extends to infinity.

Somehow you begin to realize that it was not really love, only a manipulation and that causes even more pain and is even harder to wrap your mind around. And then you are angry at yourself because you think that you allowed it to happen and you are just as bad. There may have even been moments of pleasure and that is even worse because you now know that it was not normal, so you think you are normal. And you cannot look at your body with any respect at all. And you even want to somehow climb out and start over, but you can't.

When all of this comes into focus then somehow the anger starts. Now, it is normal be be ANGRY at what has happened. BUT, it is important to know that ANGER is the most destructive of all of our emotions. It can do great harm and it can hurt not only you but everyone and everything around you. You do have to feel it and acknowledge it as a part of healing but, you have to know when to LET THE ANGER GO. You cannot let it consume you, it is not healthy and will make you worse. A good signal of when it is getting out of control is when you want to hurt yourself. Or when all you see or feel is the ANGER. Anger will and can draw attention, an attention that is somehow, somewhere, needed or missed or it can even replace the feeling of abandonment. BUT, it is never a healthy way to heal. Do we need anger? Yes, BUT, we have to be very careful with that emotion. We have to monitor it very carefully.
This can a hard thing to do when we have endured this kind of abuse.
But, the only way we can even hope to heal is to not let ANGER TAKE OVER.

Your body did not do anything wrong. Your body is just an innocent vessel and it does belong to you. So you have to start by accepting your body and caring for it as an injured victim, NOT the VILLIAN.

So, I would suggest that you think about this. Whenever you bath or dress your body, say Im so sorry, you are me and we were abused. You bath your body with care and kindness, every part that was hurt or abused. Your body was never your enemy, it was confused just like you, it was lied to just like you, it shivers with fear, just like you, it needs love, just like you. It is not bad, neither are you. You didn't know any better, you thought it was love, so you were told. Someone lied to you and your body.

Take your arms and tell your body, its okay now, we will heal each other, you are really mine now, you belong to me and I wont let him hurt me and oe you anymore. I am going to forgive myself and give the pain to to the real abuser, my father.

When Jesus walked the earth he said the anyone who abuses a child deserves to be tied to a stone and thrown into the ocean. It is not a secret, the abuser knows, he will pay a high price.

Open Eyes

All I can say right now is hang in there and you are in my thoughts!

Splitimage - Thank you! No, my therapist is not a specialist in that area. I am on disability so all I have is Medicare and Medicaid thru the state and that prevents me from seeing a "good" dr. or therapist. I am forced to go to a state funded clinic in order to get my meds and see a therapist in order to keep getting the meds. But I am doing the best that I can with what I have You are right, I need to start being honest with my therapist. I know it does no good to stuff everything down inside...it's like I can't stop doing it out of habit and it always lands me in the hospital at some point. Thanks for the warm welcome and advice, it's appreciated.

Can't stop crying - I understand, thank you, it's appreciated!

Open eyes - Thank you for the PM, I will respond in a bit. Your reply brought me to tears, it really moved me. I haven't cried in years...literally. It was dead on target, wow. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond back, it is really nice to know that I am not alone...that it can get better with time. To hear my feelings described so perfectly by another. So thank you!

-Jess

You are very welcome destructivetaste.

I can understand how you stuffed it as you have described. But don't feel bad about that. It is really normal for someone who has been deeply injured to push the injury aside and try to have some sort of normal life.

The stuffing that you are talking about has a lot of feelings that are shame, abandonment, confusion, fear, and a hidden mistrust for the man you have now, all men are in someways a threat or lie or we can even ask, does he really love me, should I, can I allow myself to trust? Or even, would he hate me if he knew, would it be too much for him to understand or even comprehend on any level, would he think of me as a terrible person. Secretly I feel guilty in someway. Somehow I knew but I still allowed it to continue, why did I do that, does it mean that I too was no better?

I want you to keep something in mind. I want you to realize that even though you did allow it to happen, you were not a bad person. This situation is extremely difficult because it is normal for a woman to view the aspects of her father as a base to what a potential mate my be.
It is very convoluted for a young girl and this is what you are really looking at , yet you don't see it because you are now a woman and you have your husband and your own child.

The stuffing, the shame and guilt that you have been doing is that you have never really stopped loving your father. On some level, you did experience the common desire to please a parent. And this is where young women hide, stuff, evade and struggle emotionally. This is also where the life long guilt comes into play. And even, the life long moments of anger and even self hatred. The constant confusion about addressing this is because on some level you did love this parent and somehow, when that stopped and you knew better, you still morn it.

Because there was a separation at some point and the young woman may or may not have moved into the real lifetime partnership of marriage and children. There is still confusion about the relationship with the father.
This is because it never went to the next level, the normal level, the level that is part of reaching an age where we are programed to have children and a life long commitment around your own family atmosphere.

Often women talk about not really hating their father but hating what had taken place, that it was wrong and somehow they never really did please the parent on a normal level. This is a part of stuffing, confused feelings and not knowing where to put them, how to address them without being overwhelmed with anger, guilt, shame, and abandonment.

Because you never really pleased the parent normally you have a deep feeling of loss that you can't really put your finger on. You do still, on some level, love this person and yet hate him too. And you can't seem to put it into any kind of perspective, healthy perspective, so you stuff. It is that experience that you just can't seem to place and you can't seem to understand why.

But here is where you begin. Because it wasn't normal, and it was distorted you will have to understand that the process of unstuffing it and addressing it will have to allow you to finally understand that it really wasn't your fault. No matter what, it was never normal and your father, thru his own need, used all your desire to please a parent, be loved by a parent and feel safe with a parent for himself.

Women often search their childhood and get very confused and blame themselves and even want to destroy themselves because of what happened. Somehow, as they are now women, the just can't grasp the reality of it because their real instinct to please was very normal.

It is very common to view your body as the thing to blame, if only it wasn't pretty or just even there it would have never happened. But that is not true. As I mentioned in my last post, your body was every bit of a victim to, not a seperate entity.

When you go into therapy keep all of this in mind, and how unstuff properly and that you are really not a bad person at all. You really didn't know, even if you thought that somehow you did know but allowed it to continue. When you get to anger part, don't be too angry at yourself or let it drive you into a self destructive motion. It's ok to be angry but it TRUELY WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Open Eyes

Jess, I have ptsd (third time around) and general anxiety disorder and I raised an autistic child. He is an adult now. And I am a abuse survivor.

I have never thought of autism and anxiety as together but I have read so many posts by people struggling with anxiety and who have autism in the family that I wonder now.

We can exchange personal messages any time you want.

I don't have money for therapy either but I have recently found a support group in my community for all sorts of anxiety together including ptsd. I have to wait for May to go.
And it is free.

roses

Gee Rose,

That is a good thought and I wonder too, you may have something there.

It was very nice of you to share and also offer your support with the autism.

It is also nice to hear you say that you continue to recover, I think that is what we all do and it is always nice when someone offers to help.

Thank you Rose,

Hope you are also doing better destructive,
Open Eyes