Coward...

Every time I get close to getting help for my PTSD I get scared and don't do it... I was inpatient a few months back and had the opportunity to do a trauma program and I refused. I'm hoping to take a step and get admitted next week Tuesday or Wednesday... I took two weeks off of work and I don't have school for the summer... I have it all planned out but I'm almost sure I will back out again...

it is your choice. you alone decide. either way.
just be sure to "Choose your choice." that means, if you choose to work on trauma, then get all the help you can, take it as slow as you need, and be patient and compassionate toward yourself.
and if you choose not to work on trauma, then allow yourself the freedom of that decision, don't call yourself a coward, and be patient and compassionate with yourself. any other approach to decisions, ie where we condemn ourselves, is always lose/lose.

its true you are not a coward!
You are doing the best you can.

Thanks, I guess I'm just feeling pressured to do this. Like I don't want to get better if I don't do it... I do want to get better... It just makes me like a coward cause I'm ignoring everything. I'm not strong enough to face it all...

im too lazy to deal with my daily life.

So dont feel too bad, maybe speak to some one who knows exactly what you have to do next and tell them how your feeling? Are you scared?

I guess I'm scared... More scared of myself though lately... I hate feeling the way I feel but I don't know how to change it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I could talk about stuff but then get so overwhelmed and don't know where to start or maybe something bad will happen for talking about it... I don't know.

that sort of fear is understandable.
Can you just your mind off at all and just tell the stories? I find looking away from people helps me to do that.

Hi forgotten,
What your feeling is normal and you are probably thinking that by saying it, it brings it back somehow, and by not saying it, it keeps it away.

Ofcourse, wouldn't it be nice to keep it away? But the truth is that it isn't going to go away and the fact that you feel depressed and all the other things you have mentioned means that you need to find relief.

Now what is Relief? Well, it is kind of like coming out of a hiding place and someone says, "Oh I didn't see you there" and then you say, " I was hiding because I met some bad people and I didn't want to get hurt anymore". Then some one says "Bad people? where? I'll get them, thats not very nice, come and sit with me and we will figure out how to deal with these bad people so you don't have to hide anymore."

So then you start to talk and the other person listens and for the first time you don't feel alone and you begin to feel safer because your not alone. Someone is actually listening and they are very interested in what you have to say. So you talk a little more and the person still listens and the amazing part is they believe and they keep listening. And then you start feeling better, safer, because someone is actually listening. And for the first time, someone is really listening and they really want to help and you start to feel better, safer and you realize that you have found a way to talk and someone is actually listening.

It can be like a closet in a childs room and they are afraid of it and they want to keep the door closed. But then one day they have the courage to get someone to open that door and turn on the light and make sure whatever is in there cant hurt the child anymore. And then if the light is on in the closet and the child can see what is there, well they realize that it cant hurt then anymore and now they can rest better and be more at ease.

It is not unusual for you to feel anxious or even not sure. It is only when you sit with someone and begin a little at a time and realize, someone will believe you and you wont be alone anymore. And you will begin to feel better about it. It isnt all at once, it is one thing at a time step by step.

Open Eyes

As far as you talking to someone and feeling it is their job and they are paid to invade you somehow. Well, often people who do that job do it because they care and they want to help. They are people who specialize in opening closet doors very carefully and slowly turn the light on. And not only that, they are trained to look and make sure the monsters or whatever is in that closet are organized so that the person feels safer.

Having just anyone, someone who is not trained, someone who has no experience to open that door would not be good. So those people are very careful and kind and they want to do that job, they are trained to be strong enough to do that job.
They don't want to invade you, they want to help you.

As far as being afraid of yourself, well all that means is that you do know that you don't like what is in that closet and you are just afraid to even think of that door opening. A therapist does now this, and they will help you with this.

Open Eyes

Thanks for the replies. I've always felt like therapist don't care. I've gone to two different therapist and they both really didn't seem to care. Did anyone go to multiple different therapists before thehy found a "good one that cares" ?

I've been to a number of therapists over the course of my life and each experience was helpful in a different way. I've found that I don't necessarily have to feel like the therapist 'cares' to make progress, although all of them did seem to genuinely care.

I think it does take time to build a relationship with a therapist. It's like getting to know anyone--it doesn't happen instantly. Personally I would give it at least six months before deciding a therapist doesn't care. It could be that they care a lot but it's hard for you to see.

Also, I've found that my recovery has gone in spurts. I'll be in therapy for a few years, rest for a few years, back to therapy for something, rest again, and so on.

Therapy for PTSD can be pretty draining so I think you have to be realistic. It's not like you are going to go to one person for a year and it'll be all better then for the rest of your life. It's something that comes up again and again in different ways, but over time, with the right help, you get better at coping and the illness gets milder and less alarming.

Good luck to you. I hope you decide to make a start. Therapy really can help a lot with PTSD, but it's an ongoing process. You have to get to a place where you accept that this is how your life is, that you need a certain amount of professional support, and that that's OK. You have to feel that you deserve to be happy and feel better, and you do!

(((hugs))))

Yes, unfortunately, I am doing that now. Have you made sure that the therapist specializes in PTSD? Because that diagnosis covers the history and what it means.

Unfortunately you have to make sure the therapist is current in thier knowledge about PTSD. And it can take time to find a therapist you connect with. And you do have to talk, they can't show interest if you are not willing to talk.

In a way you are interviewing them for a job. It is their job to help you and if you don't feel it is a good match well, then try another. It takes time.

Open Eyes

A lot of times I just don't know what to say, where to start, or how to say it. Plus I'm afraid the people who have hurt me might find out or something.

If you're considering a program run by experts with PTSD, then you don't need to worry about what to say or not.... make sure you can leave when you feel you need to....(read what you sign?) and make sure someone on the outside is aware of what you are doing...? (To help you feel safe.)

I know of a few things, like exposure therapy, that sound really scary and impossible to do, but which do work and help you heal...

but really, experts know that "retraumatizing" someone isn't the path to healing, and I doubt they would force anything to you to do.... and what's in your mind is in your mind, you control that...

Hope I'm not babbling....
The reason you feel like a coward is the PTSD... it's an anxiety disorder... fight or flight and all that, remember?

The reason you feel like a fraud is a result of the trauma too I think... when in reality when you are a good, normal feeling, doing human being, that is when you are real (which is usually when you feel like a fraud, right?) The other times when you are feeling small or insecure and worthless, that's not the real you.

That's one of my fears (JD)... I feel like I am going to be 'retruamatized' That's why I never talk about it. it makes it feel more real. It seems easier to just keep it to myself, it makes it so I can tell myself I'm just lying to myself about what happened. Talking about it makes it more real. To be honest with you, I'm embarrassed to talk about it. It's all my fault........ I really don't think I'm ever going to get over this all.

Well forgotten,
It is not going to happen all at once and JD is right, a therapist is not going to judge you and talking about it slowly doesn't make it real, because it already happened and you do remember it and feeling like it was your fault is the PTSD talking. That is what most people who have PTSD feel like and yes they are afraid to talk about the past. I have that too and I have found that letting it out a little at a time helps.

I didn't think that I could do that for a long time, but once I did then I started to heal and it wasn't haunting me anymore. Just a little at a time and then once it is out you will feel releived.
Open Eyes

Thanks Open Eyes... I'm really scared that 'they' might find out I'm talking about stuff though. I've always been scared of them but I'm sure if they found out it would be bad

My first therapist was horrible, but I didn't know. He eventually committed suicide because he was going to be arrested for being a pedophile. I swore I would never see another and managed to cope for years until I couldn't. I have been with my current therapist for 2 years, and he is wonderful. It took a lot of patience from him, but I feel better than I have in 50 years. Yes, I found a good one that cares. You can too...

JD said to make sure someone on the "outside" knows what you're doing and where you're at, etc. Keep in touch, sweety. I'm so proud of you and you know I will go with you and help you be safe ANY time. I know all too well the "ostrich" syndrome of burying your head in the sand...if I don't talk about it, it isn't real. It doesn't work sweet pea. You're doing great....little steps at a time. Even if you take a step backwards, it's ok....just remember to keep going forward.