[woodruff473]

As I sit here I wonder if I should even be writing this. Looking back on my childhood, adolescent and adult life it is clear to me that it is riddled with one traumatic event after another ranging in intensities. At 3 years of age I witnessed my father beating my mother, and then proceed to get into a fist fight with a friend of his I can only imagine now to be a result of my father attacking my mother. I was seen standing there watching the ordeal and ordered to go back to bed. No explanation was ever given to me. At 5 years old I was molested by my cousin in a tent in our backyard. Where were my parents?? Who knows! At 6 years old I then molested a girl friend of mine, also 6, in the closet of my bedroom, kissing her "down there" and vice versa. I didn't think this was a bad thing at the time I thought it was what everyone did. Again, though where were my parents? At 7 and 8 my little brother and I would often engage in incest acts, but again I thought this was normal and everyone behaved this way. I have never told anyone about any of the aforementioned.
My parents were drug user and alcoholics so I imagine them to be too involved in that to focus much on me as a child. Between the ages of 8 and 10 I had recurrent dreams where I would be having sex with my father or my brother despite the fact that I didn't even know the details or mechanics of true intercourse. At 13 I had my first real sexual encounter, I was raped. I found the ordeal to be bizarre, shocking, and humiliating to say the least. I had no idea what true sexual intercourse was as I didn't know that his penis actually went inside of me. Need less to say I panicked, screamed and tried to get away but he just kept going. After that I became emotionally numb. I never told anyone ever.
I had a boyfriend after that; I met him when I was 15. He was 19. He had no where to live so my parents let him move in to our house. We were together for about 18 months during which time we of course had sex and got caught by my father. This boyfriend also cheated on me... the first of many mind you.
Despite all this I did manage to graduate from HS, one year early, and with top honors in my class. At 18 I met my first child's father. A drug addict, closet homosexual, trying his best not be. I was completely oblivious and as naive as they get. This relationship was rocky and filled with arguing, his infidelity and his repeated jail terms. Despite our living together I spent most nights alone while he was off partying. I was never invited to come along. My son was born in 1999, I was 20. When he was 11 months old I found out I was pregnant again... same father, but this time he told me I had to have an abortion, as he would leave me if I didn't. I didn't feel that our relationship was stable enough to have the child, so I did have an abortion and then I packed up my stuff and left him.
In 2001 I met my first husband. He had just been released from a 4-year prison sentence. We had a literal whirlwind romance, flying to Las Vegas six months after meeting to get married. I was 22, he was 32. Again, my parents were all for it... I wonder if they ever really cared about me at all!?!? When my new husband I got back from our honeymoon, things were ok for while. Two months into our marriage I got pregnant again. Four months into the pregnancy he decided he just couldn't do "this" anymore. Whatever that meant!? And he left. I went through the pregnancy alone. I alone drove myself to the hospital to give birth and I alone drove myself home from the hospital. My son was with his paternal grandparents but came home a few days after I did.
Two weeks had passed since the birth of my daughter when my husband contacted me and said he had seen a picture of the baby on the hospital website. He wanted to see her. I agreed and he of course regretted his choices in the past, and asked for a second chance. I agreed after weeks of persuasion on his part. Our reunion didn't last long, less than a year. Shortly after our reconciliation my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack on Oct 31, 2002. My mother called, but didn't tell me he had already died at home only that I needed to get to the hospital quickly. Upon arrival at the hospital I rushed in to the room where I believed I would see my father alive - only to have the complete shock of seeing his dead body on the table, partially covered in a sheet. Inconsolable, I ran from the hospital as quickly as my legs would carry me. I don't know why my mom allowed me to believe he was alive...
Things get worse....
About 8 months later, after my husbands repeated infidelity, lying, and drug abuse had left me fed up I asked for a divorce. He took it much farther and committed suicide on June 16th 2003. Some days I blame myself and yet other days I find myself incredibly angry about it.
After the deaths of my father and husband I began to drink a lot and use marijuana. It dulled things somewhat and made me vulnerable to other things... and in 2004 I got involved with a really horrible man. He was drug dealer, drug user and frankly pretty crazy. We started seeing each other in Feb 2004 and of course by April I was pregnant. I stupidly married him too, 6 month after we initially got together in Feb. We had our daughter in Dec 2004 and along with my other two kids we moved into a really nice house. He sold drugs for a living. Looking back I can now see how crazy it was but at the time I was just lost. He was physically and mentally abusive towards me, breaking my ribs, wrist, sitting on top of me and choking me until I blacked out literally thinking I was dying. I was constantly walking on eggshells and never voicing my opinion as I was trying not to set him off. We did manage to have another baby in the spring of 2006, but it was truly a shock, as my husband hardly ever touched me instead telling me that I was "disgusting" to look at and that I didn't turn him on in the least. After 5 long, insane years of torture and abuse I managed to get away from him and got a divorce.
The traumatic events that have colored my life leave me feeling anxious, nervous, with poor self esteem, fears of abandonment, panic attacks, major depression, and an unrelenting sense of blame toward myself. I have never been to a therapist as I'm terrified of what they will make of my life experiences. I've taken the quizzes on this site and all my scores say that I'm completely messed up, high likelihood of borderline personality disorder, high likelihood of Aspergers, high likelihood of PTSD, high likelihood of bipolar disorder, high likelihood of ADHD.... I can't have them all!? Can I? I've gone this long without talking to a professional, so I wonder if it's too late to now. I do have an appointment with a Psychologist in about two weeks I am afraid if I go in there and spill all my beans as I’ve done in this post, frankly that she’ll either think I’m lying or that I need to be committed.

[shezbut]

I think that it would be interesting to see how the T would help you, after going in with this post printed out & read to her.

I really don't think that the T will assume that you've lied or that you're insane. I think that she would say that you have lived through some very hard times. Perfectly understanding that they have had an impact on you ~ personality, emotions, repeated mistakes, etc. I'm not saying that you DO have the personlity disorders and illnesses. But, it's perfectly understandable that you've forced your way through life, doing what you knew worked to stay alive.

I am sorry that you've experienced repeated sexual attacks. I've been there too ~ unfortunately, we seem to have a sticker on our foreheads that call out to attackers. I feel for you. It is great that you are finally reaching out for professional help. I wish you the very best!

Gentle hugs to you.

[Mediator]

Never too late, I am sorry to hear you and I honestly wish you luck. It is fine that you put all the things together at your post. I think you started to build your self esteem.

Look for T

[Nammu]

I don't believe she/he will think you are lying, and if you have managed this long it's dobtful you would be hospitalized unless you are a theat to yourself or someone else. But the T can help you figure out whats going on, the label itself isn't really so helpful as getting the help is. I wish you the best, youv'e been though so much. I hope this is the T for you and she/he gives you what you need. Don't give up, you deserve help and kindess.

[woodruff473]

Thanks for the input from you all. I too thought of taking the post in with me to the appointment and reading it. I think otherwise I would just go in to the appointment, blankly stare at the T. I have a very hard time voicing my thoughts and feelings to others, I can hear the words in my head but I cannot force my mouth to say them no matter how hard I try, resulting in misunderstandings of great magnitudes.

[Open Eyes]

woodruff, I think that you should bring this post and I hope you see someone who specializes in PTSD. PTSD can mimick different disorders, even asbergers or autisim.
You have gone through a lot in your life. But you did get high grades in school, so you are no dummy. And your still pretty young. Have you been through alot, definitely yes, and I think you can heal. I think that your smart enough and you do want to get better and manage your life better. Some of the choices you made were because of the lack of real parenting. So, don't blame yourself, your ready to grow up now. Whatever is messed up can be put in your past and you can figure out how to heal and progress one day at a time.

I hope you are taking good care of those children, you don't want them to go through what you went through.

Keep us informed, it was a good step coming here and talking. We are here to listen.

Open Eyes

[woodruff473]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

woodruff, I think that you should bring this post and I hope you see someone who specializes in PTSD. PTSD can mimick different disorders, even asbergers or autisim.
You have gone through a lot in your life. But you did get high grades in school, so you are no dummy. And your still pretty young. Have you been through alot, definitely yes, and I think you can heal. I think that your smart enough and you do want to get better and manage your life better. Some of the choices you made were because of the lack of real parenting. So, don't blame yourself, your ready to grow up now. Whatever is messed up can be put in your past and you can figure out how to heal and progress one day at a time.

I hope you are taking good care of those children, you don't want them to go through what you went through.

Keep us informed, it was a good step coming here and talking. We are here to listen.

Open Eyes

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
My children mean the world to me, and at times I think I'm over-protective of them because of my own childhood. I talk to them about everything, try to answer all their questions and go above and beyond to help them, unlike my own parents.
I am married, again, this time to a man whom I've known and been friends with since before my oldest son was born, so about 14 years. He is great, he's nice to me, I believe that he loves me and he has always been there for me.
I do have many self-esteem issues, feeling like I'm not worthy of a healthy, happy relationship, not worthy of being loved. I constantly worry that my husband will find someone better than me and for that reason I am can become emotionally detatched very easily. My imagination often runs amuke and the paranoia is overwhelming... then just as fast as the feelings come over me they're gone. I'm left feeling empty and alone. During this time I feel as though I'm losing control of myself, I'm having a mental breakdown.
In the past I've been told that I'm cold, heartless, aloof and brazen. I often blurt things out, like answers to questions, before the question is even finished being asked. I talk at people and many people cannot follow or participate in a conversation with me because they can't get a word in. I can rattle off facts and figures about topics no one, sans myself, even cares about! I often will drop everything that I am doing if someone, especially a romantic partner, needs me to do anything for them. I just cannot say no to anyone, I feel so guilty if I do mange to say no, so I'll end up doing whatever it was they asked of me.
When a relationship does end it's very odd as I can simply, easily just move right on to the next as though the previous had no effect on me, despite the fact that it did/does.

[Yoda]

hello woodruff and welcome to PC

Yes you can have several mental illnesses going on. I do and it makes it more interesting to find the right combination of meds to keep me functioning at my best.

You have been through an awful lot but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you find this community helpful.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by woodruff473

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
My children mean the world to me, and at times I think I'm over-protective of them because of my own childhood. I talk to them about everything, try to answer all their questions and go above and beyond to help them, unlike my own parents.
I am married, again, this time to a man whom I've known and been friends with since before my oldest son was born, so about 14 years. He is great, he's nice to me, I believe that he loves me and he has always been there for me.
I do have many self-esteem issues, feeling like I'm not worthy of a healthy, happy relationship, not worthy of being loved. I constantly worry that my husband will find someone better than me and for that reason I am can become emotionally detatched very easily. My imagination often runs amuke and the paranoia is overwhelming... then just as fast as the feelings come over me they're gone. I'm left feeling empty and alone. During this time I feel as though I'm losing control of myself, I'm having a mental breakdown.
In the past I've been told that I'm cold, heartless, aloof and brazen. I often blurt things out, like answers to questions, before the question is even finished being asked. I talk at people and many people cannot follow or participate in a conversation with me because they can't get a word in. I can rattle off facts and figures about topics no one, sans myself, even cares about! I often will drop everything that I am doing if someone, especially a romantic partner, needs me to do anything for them. I just cannot say no to anyone, I feel so guilty if I do mange to say no, so I'll end up doing whatever it was they asked of me.
When a relationship does end it's very odd as I can simply, easily just move right on to the next as though the previous had no effect on me, despite the fact that it did/does.

I'm very happy you have someone like your husband, it can make going though thearapy so much easier. Its great that you allowed your self that chance with him. I'm told those recording of I'm worthless, don't deserve this are normal for people like us that have gone though those kinds of things.

I hate to say anything to people becouse I'm not a doctor but you just decribed PTSD to a T. A lot of that is self protection to keep from getting hurt again. For me, that how I use it. I'm told I sound like an expert when I'm talking about things, but I may know very little. It's my voice and the way I talk. My pdoc tells my I'm paranoid somtimes when we talk and I hate that, but he tells me I have very good reasons to be with my past, its a protective device, still irritates me though because I want to blend in and look as normal as possible! I guess I also sound arrorgant too, its a way to keep people from getting too close and there I am lonely as hell. I'm fine when it not personal but when it starts getting personal I turn into some kind of iceburg from Mars. I'm glad you found PC. Welcome.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I have a hard time saying "no" too and then I wind up feeling completely overwhelmed with everything on my plate. I once had a therapist tell me the worst thing the CSA did to me was to take away my ability to say no. I think it did much more than that - it took my voice, my courage, my self-esteem, and a whole bunch of other things. Slowly I am trying to re-claim everything that was stolen and I hope you are able to do that also. I am glad you found a loving husband - you deserve it! I am sorry that all these things happened to you - it was not your fault and you did not deserve any of it!

[woodruff473]

I'll be gone for the week, to return in 7 days. I'm afraid that I'm too far gone in my insanity to seek help; I don't know that it will do any good. I read about what therapy is, how it works, and I'm nervous. In the past I've been dx with MDD, PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorder(s) and rapid cycling bipolar. I've got a very strong disposition... I've always blocked all of my feelings out. I thought I could do this forever. The racing thoughts, perverse as they are, seem to be more prevalent and constant. I cannot tell where I stop and the outside world begins. I cry a lot, when I'm alone and I am overly-sensitive to outside stimulus. I have no close friends, except for my husband, and truth be told I don't want any friends. I've always been alone in my own head; no one really knows what I think. I fear telling other people how I feel... they won't understand or they'll truly see just how out of touch I am. I don't feel that I deserve anything; everyone I encounter leaves me because I bring them down. I am not on any medication.... I know I probably should be. I've taken zoloft, prozac, lexapro, wellbutrin, effexor, lithium, zyprexa, lamictal, xanax, buspirone, and topamax over the last 10 years. Some help... some don't. I self medicate with beer, wine and rx pain pills and of course because I don't drink or abuse drugs every single day then I feel like I'm the one in control. I would like to think that because I know the characteristics of the disorders and because I obsess over trying to live with these issues without being found out that I'm doing ok. The truth... I'm so not ok.