[Hunny]

a couple of things:

A few years ago a sister temporarily came back into my life. . . this was something I had hoped would go well however it was just a schmoz.

This is the scenario:

She entered and perused everything I owned, suggested many changes in my life and even took things from me which, at the time I was not aware of. She certainly smashed any hope I had about a loving relationship. I have no illusions now. Now when she comes up in my thinking I just am so disgusted by her behaviour that I just want to be sick. She (and a brother) also figured out how to get something special from me and I am just in shocked with myself when I think about how I didn't see what they were up to.

It is not what I would call a flashback but a hope that turned out to be a false one and I am sad and hurt and even at times angry. They re-victimized me and when I get these feelings I feel like I am allowing them to do just that, again! There is no more familial love for them (was there any in the first place?). They are broken and disgusting people who happen to be my blood relatives.

Thankfully I can focus on my current family and I am grateful for them when thoughts of these siblings creep into my mind. I am so creeped out by their ways. "Sneaks, manipulators and destructors" are words that come to mind when I think of them now.

This is the other thing:

I cannot seem to shake the image of a mommy and baby drowning together in a plane crash. I didn't know these people but for some reason their images keep popping up at unpredictable times. It has been at least two years since this accident but I am just like right there...gad, I hate this.

Any suggestions?

[kaliope]

I had a crappy family of origin too. For years i had nightmares of my sister hunting me down to kill me. I say i ran away from my family when i was 21. I officially disowned them years ago. I dont feel guilty for doing it. Blood is not thicker than water when i think about the pain they have caused me. The ptsd symptoms i have experiences for decades finally subsided after i disowned them. When i have thoughts of them, i redirect them to the family i surround myself with today. I choose who i let into my life and trust now.

As for the mommy/baby intrusive thought you keep having, all i can suggest is to say a little prayer each time you have it.

Hugs to you.

[eskielover]

Hunny

I know it's hard to come to the realization when we always try to hold onto hope that family will be what our expectation of the loving relationship that God intended the family to be like.

The good thing is that you are wise & now KNOW what your sister & brother are like & are able to take control of your life & not continue to allow them into your life or live with the HOPE that they will someday be the brother & sister you thought they should be like.

Yes, the regret when you think about it will always exist that their free will choice was to not be the caring brother & sister that God intends family to be like. There will always be sadness when the thought crosses your mind of the things they took from you. My psychologist told me those are normal emotions & need to be acknowledged when they come up in our thoughts. It's ok that they come up in our thoughts at times because they are & were a part of our life. There will always be things that happen in our life to bring those thoughts into our mind. Just the fall feel in the air triggers some of those thoughts in me along with winter rain storms. It's what we do with those thoughts that's important. Just be aware of them, acknowledge them & that they are ok to be thinking because they are valid thoughts based on what has happened.

Thankfully I can focus on my current family and I am grateful for them when thoughts of these siblings creep into my mind.

Grieve the losses & then go on with what you were doing in your life before the thoughts hit you. It's the way to stay better in control of your emotions & keep yourself from continually being re-injured by the thoughts & it stops our obsessing on those thoughts. It's not that easy to do but with practice, it can really help. Being aware of ourselves, our thoughts & what is going on around us is very important in our healing process.

The same process can be used with the vision you get of the plane crash.....take control of your thoughts & your emotions & when you see the vision, acknowledge it & the feelings you are having without obsessing or getting stuck on the thoughts & then go back to what you were doing. What ever triggers those thoughts & the recognition of the crash & your emotions need to come out & acknowledge how you are feeling & what made you feel that way.......we just don't need to get stuck on those thoughts & need to get back to what we were doing when those thoughts came into our mind.....that gets us through those thoughts & back into our daily life. Sounds like you are doing much better than you have previously......each day & each step is one closer to feeling better more of the time

[Open Eyes]

((((Hunny)))))

Eskielover has the right advice in how to look at what you just experienced. And I know how hard this lesson is. We want to believe that maybe we should give our family members another chance and see if we can work it out somehow, maybe we need to understand more etc., etc., etc. But the reality is that a toxic person is a toxic person and the only one we can change is ourselves and that is hard to see within a family.
We just all are so programed that we should do our best to find ways to accept our family members and see how we can hang onto our families. The sad reality is often we simply cannot do that, and our efforts to try can end up in our exposing ourselves to once again become a victim.

That dream that you had expresses that deep sense of loss and feeling of being so badly hurt and feeling so threatened. Your going to have to find a way to make peace with that and understand that it something that you experienced in your past that truely made you feel threatened and frightened. But it is just a dream and you have to learn new ways to build your own sense of strength and part of that new sense is finding a way to see the past as the past and your just going to learn how to survive better and allow yourself to be a stronger person, and that you truely have the right.

And I know that it is hard to learn how to do what I am expressing here. I am working on it myself and I do admitt that I too am struggling and learning. At least I understand that I am not going to just get over my past overnight. My own goal is to make efforts to heal a little each day and do my best to allow myself to learn ways to overcome and continue on.

Open Eyes

[Hunny]

Open Eyes,

You said:

We want to believe that maybe we should give our family members another chance and see if we can work it out somehow, maybe we need to understand more etc., etc., etc.

Yes!...a hope, even though it was naive of me.

But the reality is that a toxic person is a toxic person

They had ulterior motives for getting together that I don't even think to this day they realize are so dishonest and downright creepy...or if they do they don't give a hoot.

We just all are so programed that we should do our best to find ways to accept our family members and see how we can hang onto our families. The sad reality is often we simply cannot do that, and our efforts to try can end up in our exposing ourselves to once again become a victim.

Programmed is the operative word here, you are so right!

But the reality is that a toxic person is a toxic person

.

Toxic like oil in the ocean or waste in the water...that kind of toxic. Really, really toxic!

OE, you got me thinking...the baby and the momma are actually all within me...I see it pretty clearly...and I am attempting to find the way to reach within and find the connections to both of them. It works with verbal ones much better but their likely is a way. The baby is about the same age as one of my granddaughters and so it is really relevant lately. Anyways, thank you for showing me in a kind of a way how I might address these parts perhaps by just acknowledging their presence. Anyways, I will try to keep you posted.

[Hunny]

Kaliope,

Your idea of praying is such a good one, especially for the husband and other child. I also really appreciated your words that blood is not thicker than water! It is a thought that I really appreciate in this case.

Thanks for sharing your own life and for letting me know I am not alone. You are right I really do feel better when they are not around and my current family is everything and more than I could have every dreamt of or asked for.

[Hunny]

Eskielover,

Isn't it true we have these expectations and are in denial of the sad, angry, disappointed, hurt feelings. I do need to acknowledge them and thank myself for having them and not pretend that everything is 'okay'. I mean it is okay in some ways and the dreams of how things could have been are just that dreams. Goodness, even in the OT the families were mostly pretty dysfunctional too. lol...I just finished reading 'The Red Tent', the life from the perspective of Diana, the only daughter of Leah & Jacob.

Eskie, the wisdom you espouse has really given me the ballast I needed for those pervasive thoughts of the crash and the mommy and baby. In my case the baby within will never be let go. Even if the real life mother and father did not want that baby, I do and so do the rest of my parts. We really need to get that point across to the mommy & baby within and your kind words have given me hope that I can be as normal as anyone as I get a-hold of the sadness and grieve what could have been and embrace what is. It is joyous, afterall!

Many thanks, Eskie...I find your heart so kind.