Living hell!

Oh, Penny. I think it's also common to be surrounded by "friends" that take advantage ie borrow money dont give it back or suck all
the life out of you or both. I had "friends" and roomates like this that even stole from me and others and were prosecuted by the
courts. After a lot therapy, i got new friends that dont take advantage. I couldnt believe it when my best friend reminded me she
owed me money( i have a horrible memory). As you start to heal, little by little, things improve. I guess, it's not until i look back that i
can see small improvements that made a big difference. Don't panic, im not saying you have to drop your friend. Just be aware of
how she treats you and makes you feel and make sure to not lend her more money.

I just wish I didn't feel like I'm doing something wrong by saying no.

I wish I could trust my judgement and not feel like I'm doing something wrong by following said judgement.

Yeah, it's hard to say no. It's also hard to trust your judgement. Probably you were never allowed to say no and your judgement was always questioned. I'm so sorry. But there is nothing wrong with saying no. Usually when i manage it, i feel releived. You will learn to trust yourself. (((Penny)))

Hey Penny-

I've been thinking about you, as I too am struggling with PTSD. What I have found helps me when I go into rages (which is often, unfortunately) is putting lavender essential oils on my wrists and breathing deeply. Sounds dumb, but, it helps. I read it in a book once and now when I start to feel everything building up I go grab the oils. It's my comfort smell and it brings my mind somewhat more into focus.

Also, about the clean house thing... I read once that if you feel like your house is too dirty, make yourself clean your sink. Just do the dishes and get the sink clean, even drying it down afterwards. I dunno why but it makes you feel cleaner if you have a clean sink, even if the rest of the house doesn't get done!

Thoughts and prayers with you.

you also saw him undermind your mother. Perhaps its those traits that you picked up, anxiety that at any minute you too will be told your weren't good enought?

Smelling lavender sounds good!! I know I feel more calm when I have candles going.

I am the worst combination of my mother and father. The shame I feel everyday is horrible.

I'm freaked out a little. Just had the thought, started a few days ago, that some one who knows me may see my thoughts and feelings. Paranoid? I was thinking about what I have posted and thought it might be obvious. Likely? I don't know.

I've been laying in bed all morning. I think I should go clean my sink and pay some bills.

I'm feeling alone again.

Also, I'm pissed at myself. My friend said last week she needed 20 for gas and gave me the same story of her family doesn't help her nor her boyfriend. Then I lent it to her. Then again last night she says she needs 40 for laundry soap and child. . . She was going on about how she'd post date a check, which she gave to me. WHY CAN'T I IN GOOD CONSCIENCE SAY NO!

It's going to come down to an argument.

You can simply tell her you cant afford to lend her the money. Which is true. You dont owe her any more explanation why. My
boyfriend , the love of my life, doesnt always lend me money, i accept his no because i love him. If your friend loves and values you she will accept your no.
It is not your responsibility to take care of her. It is your responsibility to take care of you.

I'm shocked she keeps asking because I get noticeably quiet and awkward! I know at the root, I have to say no.

Or just keep hanging up everytime she asks on phone. She'll get picture. Say, "ooops gotta go, " even if you are with her, look at your
watch, "oh, look at the time!" " toodles" only a moron will keep asking if you keep hanging up and disappearing everytime she asks. However, she does sound like somewhat of a moron. It would be like a science experiment. What will she do?

"Another part of me realizes, I'm making me sick"

This is something many of us do not realize. I know it to be true in my own case but when I'm down, I know it to be anything but true. When I'm down I feel the same as you "There is no way you can feel this terrible and something not be seriously wrong" and I'm right about that, something is seriously wrong but it's mental more than physical. But the mental issues bleed into the physical and give you this whole jumbled mess that is nearly impossible to climb out of.

I've often found it rather interesting that in the classic novels (example Wuthering Heights) when the characters in the novels get too stressed out, their body gets the hit. They are bed ridden for weeks and slowly begin to die. Only when their emotions begin to heal do they begin to feel better and if they can not mend their heart, they do not make it. It makes me wonder... This was the case even in smaller characters in novels which makes me doubt that it was put in there for the "romantic effect" but could possible be in the books because it was often something to cause humans health to depleat.

I always figured I could think what I wanted when I wanted as long as I never carried through the actions, as long as I never let the thoughts change me... But up until recently I never realized those thoughts alone could change my health.

Wonderful insight you have!

Well, thank you, PFM.

I don't read many novels but I read a lot relating to my symptoms and many reference stress to which I have a lot of.

Ah, I just don't have the gumption to think positive.

I'm guessing since the my GP can't find a medical explaination, the only suitable answer is my mental anguish is calling out for help by breaking down my body.

Penny, just "thinking positive" won't work, but a T can help with relaxation techniques and stuff to help. Also there are medications that help me but it is unfair to just tell someone who is depressed or has ptsd to think positive. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk on their leg. It's not fair, and it's not realistic.