[Spiderlegs]

From hanging out on this forum, It seems we've all had 'that day'. I guess if there is any 'one thing' that I attribute to my PTSD, it would be this. I've needed to tell this story for my own therapy. It was HARD! I've been writing and facing some things on a private blog just for my own use and this is today's entry. Thank you for indulging me. I appreciate this forum!

The day our world changed and never became 'normal' again

The Story of Spiderlegs

It was a typical hot, late August day in the early 70′s. I was 24 years old and my sweet baby girl just turned six and was ready to start her first day of school. I got the day off from work and we spent it together, shopping and getting her physical exam at the pediatrician office required to start school.

I remember standing at the counter of the doctors office, noticing the time on the clock, writing them a check and suddenly feeling sick, faint, weak, just ‘not right’. I seemed to lose control of the pen. Then the strange feeling passed and we drove the short distance home, singing silly songs. It had been a great day with that special little girl.

My husband was already home from work and we had only moments arrived when the phone rang. I don’t just remember it, that moment is as raw now as it was all those years ago.

My Mother, who suffered with a tremor and had a ‘shaky’ voice on good days, was calling. I can’t begin to describe the terror and desperation in her voice. My x brother in law had just murdered my sister. Slaughtered with 3 blasts from a 12 gauge shotgun in my Mother’s living room. For this psychotic monster, killing her wasn’t enough. He had to do it in front of my mother and my sister’s 12 year old son, who he was punishing for choosing to live with his mother.

It took all I had to hang on to the receiver as I sank to the floor, sliding down the kitchen cupboards. My husband ran to me. My child must have been terrified because I surely wasn’t thinking about her well being at that moment.

We drove fast the 8 or so miles to my Mother’s home, though it seemed to take forever. My thoughts were amazing…maybe my Mother has flipped out and she’s wrong…..Maybe she’s just hurt….I couldn’t face this!!! Not my sister…..My 29 year old brilliant, beautiful, only sister!

All of us had our own story that day, and I didn’t experience nearly the horror that my mother, 2 nephews and little niece did, but I can only tell my story. I would fail miserably if I attempted to relay the horror they lived. Three innocent children became orphans that day, and virtually every day of their lives since has been hell! It’s really a miracle they’ve turned out as well as they have, but they keep their pain private, when they are able to do so.

My nephews and niece were always welcome in my home, I did all I could muster for them. They never forgave me for not making them a home. My husband was already raising my daughter from my previous bad union, he refused to consider taking them in. If I left him, the state wouldn’t allow me, on my income and single to have them. They were split up and put in foster care…usually bad foster care. They begged to not be split up. After a few weeks, the state did just that insisting the kids were too ‘troubled’ and angry for one family to handle. It was heartbreaking.

Every Christmas and birthday, they were always at my home and as often as I could, I attended their school functions, games, etc. The next August I was the passenger in a near fatal auto accident, crushing my pelvis, knee, concussion. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to be a mother to my own child for quite a time much less do them any good. By the next year, I was pregnant. Within a few more years, the one man I truly loved and I were divorced. I was never quite able to forgive him for not helping those kids. I never got time to grieve. Everyone else was falling apart, I had to be the strong one. I kept busy and stuffed the memories, drowned them, tried to smoke them away. It was 25 years later when I was too sick to be busy and I was all alone that it really hit me hard.

I don’t see any of her three children any more. When they were kids, they seemed to handle it better than they do as adults. I know I used to handle it better. They are not pleasant or happy adults. Now we all just seem to remind each other of the pain. I miss them terribly. They are three very intelligent, good looking people who were truly victims. I hate that they don’t have ‘family’.

My Mother, what can I say? How would you continue after witnessing the person you loved most on this earth be slaughtered? And still, often she smiled and always loved her grandchildren. Yes, she was unreasonable about some things, insisting it was my fault because I was ‘off playing’ and wasn’t there to stop it or that I couldn’t figure out a way to care for the children long term. It plagued her so that she even seemed to forget my name, and would usually address me with my sister’s name. It hurt me, but what hurts worse is knowing that I could have been just a little more compassionate toward her. But I was too busy being ‘strong’ and unemotional and reliable! I never understood how she could continue to live in that house. It took all I had to even walk in the thing again. But somehow she did, for another 15 years.

That next year, when I had just been taken to ICU after the car accident, my mother came to my bedside as I laid there broken. It was more than she could bear. She shook her fist and screamed at me, “How could you do this to me?!”

I guess I never forgave her for those words when I so needed comfort and it’s taken decades to understand how she could have reacted that way. Those words were harder to take than the broken bones. I only know, I could have never gone through the pain she did and survived. And some days I’m convinced that none of us really survived that horrible day.

http://fromauntb.blog.com/category/uncategorized/

[roads]

Dear, dear Spiderlegs. Bless you for summoning the courage and honest insight that went into this post. It is a generous gift that you have shared with us here at PsychCentral, and I feel honored to have read of what you experienced at such a young age.

I am so glad you found this board. I hope you find it as safe and supportive a place to be as it's been for me in the months I've been here. If there's anything I can do to help you settle in more than you already have, please left me know.

Roadie

[Spiderlegs]

Dear Roadie, You've done wonders for me, thank you. I simply don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't found you all. I've carried all this around alone, for so long. Thank you.

[Open Eyes]

((((((Spider))))))),

When you were 24 years old with a child, SOMETHING UNIMAGINELY TRAGIC HAPPENED. You were ONLY 24 years old, ONLY 24. And your mother? She lost a precious daughter, HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Three children BECAME ORPHANS as you say.

HOW COULD ANYONE TRUELY HANDLE THAT? No one can take it away, NO ONE.
There was something VERY FINAL that was TRAMATIC about that. And we are not really designed to FIX something like that. And no one can ever change that.

When your mother saw that, she had no way of handling that emotionally and there was NO ONE there to help any of you to address that. And what happened next is what happens a lot too. Because there is no one to fix it, NO real strong presence that resembles a parent that can come in and sooth and listen and fix for all, everyone was left to themselves. And because NO ONE could pick up the pieces in that mess, everyone got very angry about it, including YOUR MOTHER.

When you got really hurt in that car accident and your mother shook her fist and said, "how could you do this to me", she wasn't really MAD AT YOU. Your mother was just MAD AT LIFE AND HOW BOTH HER DAUGHTERS GOT DAMAGED. Your mother had NO WAY of dealing with THIS KIND OF TRAGEDY, NO ONE IS PREPARED FOR THIS. And what your mother was feeling WAS SHE HAD NO WAY OF FIXING WHAT WAS HANDED TO HER TO FEEL LIKE SHE HAD TO FIX.

And Spider I can relate to her and even you because I went through a similar situation where I was unable to see my way to fixing something that I experienced as well. And what I experienced was no where near as tramatic as what your mother and you experienced. And because I was tramatized and could not find my way to fixing what I was addressing, I broke and everyone got mad at me for that. And I also felt guilty because for some reason I could not pick myself up and FIX THINGS. And there were lots of times I WAS ASKED TO FIX THINGS AND I DID MANAGE, BUT THIS ONE TIME, I JUST BROKE. And that is what happened to YOUR MOTHER AND YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE.

And somehow you were effected and felt guilty too and you also addressed issues of your own that made it very hard for you to raise your own children and be able to be there for them too. And you never really repaired emotionally and now your own children ARE DISTANT AND BLAMING YOU. Hey I know that because that is what is happening to me too. And everyone is feeling pain, and anger and resentment and trying to find FAULT SOMEWHERE because SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE SOMEHOW. But it isn't really a someone, no not really, it is just one huge desire for EVERYONE TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER AND HURTS AND LOSS.

And as much as you are alone now? So is everyone else that is left as a survivor.

When something VERY TRAMATIC like this happens, the survivors all end up experiencing PTSD and you have to really consider the symptoms and pay attention to what the symptoms are saying about WHAT IS FELT AFTER TRAMA.

********************APATHY******************

The inablility to FEEL OR CARE ABOUT SELF AND OTHERS.

And there is also AVOIDANCE and DENIAL and all the other symptoms are there in each of you ALONG WITH ANGER, ANGER, ANGER.

I have PTSD and MY FAMILY GOT ANGRY AND BLAMED ME FOR NOT "JUST" getting over it and dealing etc. etc. And I have been viewed AS CRAZY OR WEAK OR IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. But the reality is I AM HONESTLY SUFFERING AND I CAN'T HELP IT.
And NONE OF YOU WERE TRUELY CAPABLE OF "JUST" doing ANYTHING TO STEP IN AND PICK UP THE PIECES.

And there are a lot of children involved in this aftermath, and there really wasn't anyone there for them. And because of that, they ALL ARE SOMEWHAT APATHETIC and never really LEARNED HOW TO CARE FOR YOU OR EVEN THEMSELVES.

Here is an example of what happened in MY CASE. Now I have talked about MY CRASHING which resulted in PTSD. And how I was blamed for that and I honestly could not help it and I didn't even know how bad I was or really what PTSD really meant either.

Now the other day my daughter stood in front of me and said, SHE WAS EMOTIONALLY ABUSED IN HER TEEN YEARS and HOW SHE IS STRUGGLING and HURT and HAS TO FOCUS ON TODAY AND TOMARROW because SHE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST. And she also talked about NEEDING TO STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE SHE CANNOT FIX ME AND SHE HAS TO WORK ON HERSELF AND FIX HER.

Now a year ago I would not have been able to handle that. I would have been so hurt and it MAY have pushed me over the edge to giving up completely. Because when I was really suffering in the THROWS of PTSD, I WAS DOING A LOT OF SELF BLAMING and FEELING WORTHLESS as well AS I CAN NEVER POSSIBLY EXPRESS TO OTHERS HOW I AM SO TORN APART EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY IN SO MANY WAYS that I CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO THINK STRAIGHT.

But when my daughter stood in front of me saying what she had to say? Even though I know HOW MUCH I SACRIFICED AND TRYED ALL HER TEEN YEARS TO BE A GOOD MOTHER IN SPITE OF MY HEALTH CHALLENGES AND DEALING WITH ALCOHOLIC HUSBAND AND SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY? My daughter was STILL HURT AND CONFUSED AND FELT THAT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO EXPLAIN THINGS AND HELP HER. And I know I was there and I DID talk to her, but the truth is, THERE WERE MANY TIMES THAT "I" DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS EITHER AND I COULD NOT EXPLAIN SOMETHING I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EITHER.

So because I was able to just LISTEN to her WITHOUT feeling a NEED TO JUST DEFEND "MY OWN HURT" which would have INVALIDATED "HER" hurt? There was PROGRESS TOWARD HEALING. Because no matter HOW MUCH I DID DO, my daughter was still hurt AND SHE STILL DESERVES TO EXPRESS "HER" HURT. Even though I know I was a good mother and did my very best, MY DAUGHTER STILL DESERVES TO EXPRESS "HER" HURTS.

The bottom line is WE WERE ALL HURT AND SUFFERED LOSS and YES THERE WAS SOME APATHY IN ALL OF US. And it can be hard to SEE THE HURT OF OTHERS SOMETIMES WHEN WE ARE HURTING TOO.

You are all alone right now and you really feel that your own children do not care and have even hurt you. But, THEY ARE THAT WAY BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT BE THERE THE WAY YOU SHOULD HAVE, "NOT YOUR FAULT". Because YOU were tramatized and HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING PTSD SYMPTOMS FOR MANY YEARS. You were NEVER crazy or uncaring either. IT IS TRUELY NOT YOUR FAULT and IT IS TRUELY NOT THEIR FAULT EITHER.

When something really TRAMATIC happens what you experienced in the AFTERMATH is often because EVERYONE WAS SUFFERING AND NO ONE COULD TRUELY PICK UP THE PIECES either, THE FAMILY IS OFTEN BROKEN APART BY ANGER, RESENTMENT, AND APATHY and THEY DO NOT, CANNOT, SEE BEYOND THAT.

What you are experiencing IS NOT YOUR FAULT. What I am doing here? IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE PICTURE YOU HAVE PRESENTED AND LOOKING AT THE WHOLE PICTURE. And spider, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT for yourself.
And often THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AS A RESULT OF TRAMA. This has NEVER BEEN YOUR FAULT, YOUR MOTHERS FAULT OR ANYONE ELSES.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[beauflow]

SpiderLegs

I don't have much to say besides you are strong- I can't and don't want to imagine the pain with such a thing of this...

Many hugs to all of you-- may all heal as best and as most as they can.

[Open Eyes]

Spider,
Don't you feel bad about any of this. When anyone suffers abuse or trama, it is just so hard to get beyond the personal pain.

I have been in therapy for several months, talking and talking and MY THERAPIST HAS BEEN LISTENING as well.

And NOT ONCE HAS HE "EVER" SAID WHAT I HAVE SAID HERE. And it would have been MUCH BETTER FOR ME AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IF "HE" SAID TO ME AND THEM, IF EVEN MY DAUGHTER'S THERAPIST SAID TO "HER", WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU HERE.

I have encouraged everyone I talk to to try to see what MADE THEIR ABUSER, because there is always something there to learn and see. WE can always SEE the abuse, and FEEL THE PAIN too. I know because I have been dragged ALL THE WAY BACK to a little girl that suffered so much and it has effected MY WHOLE LIFE and while I DID ADAPT in many ways and DID see the people behind my parents. When the PTSD came into play, I WAS SO INCREDIBLY CONFUSED BY IT AND EVEN FELT BETRAYED TOO. And it has been so hard to deal with the emotional duress that that child in me really felt as well.

I have really struggled with trying to remember that MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE CHILDREN AS WELL and YES they HURT ME, however THERE WAS DISFUNCTION that MADE THINGS WORSE and THE DISFUCTION WAS THERE BECAUSE OF "IGNORANCE".

It is SO INCREDIBLY HARD TO SEPARATE EVERYTHING Spider. It is SO HARD TO STEP OUTSIDE THE TRAMA and SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE. We do not want to TELL or BLAME sometimes because WE ARE SO VERY CONFUSED. We WISH THAT SOMEHOW OUR PARENT COULD JUST LISTEN OR REPAIR too. And often we blame ourselves and HIDE IN SHAME OR ANGER AND CONFUSION. And YOU ARE OUT IN THE WOODS TORN BETWEEN WANTING TO ISOLATE AND YET WANTING TO REACH OUT TOO.
And you are lonely and hurt and YET NO ONE SEEMS TO SEE IT AND YOU ARE SO LOST STILL. And I know part of you FEELS YOU ARE SOMEHOW AT FAULT TOO.

I have all those feelings myself and it has been SO CONFUSING and LONELY.

None of us can CHANGE ANY OF THE PAST. But what we can do is TALK AND TELL AND BE HEARD and FINALLY PERHAPS SOMEONE CAN SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE and show it to us so we CAN FINALLY STOP BLAMING OURSELVES AND OTHERS FOR SOMETHING WE COULD NOT, THEY COULD NOT, FIX OR EXPLAIN.

(((Hugs, big Hugs, and hopes that helps)))))
Open Eyes

((((((((Spderlegs)))))))) well done. Honest, and truly cathartic... sounds like this blogging is helping a great deal. Thank you for posting it here!

It's words that hurt the most... yes. I agree. More harmful than any physical pain for me, in my life. Sounds like you too?--hugs, you are brave.

I ditto (((((Roadie))))) here in all she posted...know we are here for you?~~thank you again for sharing this.......... all the best to you, theo

[Spiderlegs]

Thank you all for helping me see that 'big picture'. What is frustrating to me is that I got thru (or seemed to) those horrid traumas more gracefully than I do everyday irritations now. It's like I just finally reached a point that I can't 'deal' with much. Yesterday the cat peed on the carpet and I went ballistic! And yes, I'm seeing that my outburst had little to do with the cat.

So much to learn. I've talked with marriage counselors, etc, over the years, but usually addressing some big problem of someone else's. I just never had the opportunity before to get my own 'stuff' out there for examination. And in my family...you NEVER talk about what bothers you, it's just not accepted.

[Open Eyes]

(((Spider))))

The reason you are struggling now is because you are finally allowing yourself to feel.
While it seems that you managed to get through so much what you really did is you blocked the emotional and you were probably in a hypervigilant state too. Think about it, you had a lot going on. I had that happen to me too, I could not understand why I could address all the injuries in my hurt animals and then get to a point where I could not function and have been so sensitive and even have outbursts of anger too.

It is just that we surpress things without realizing it. Oddly we can do it for a long time as well. And you STILL don't really know how to deal with it all, you are just more willing to talk about it. And as you say, your imprinting is to NOT TALK ABOUT THINGS AND KEEP THEM IN THE FAMILY OR TO YOURSELF. Well, that is the old school way that people felt was the right way to handle things. My mother still in many ways abides by that trend of thought, not realizing that it isn't really the best thing to do.

Now just because you have "THE BIG PICTURE" doesn't mean you know how to fix it or accept it or that you are all better either. You have to let out your anger and other feelings that you kept yourself from feeling, and finally morn all of it. But in the end Spider, you have to recognize that there were things that WERE NOT YOUR FAULT AND ARE NOT YOUR FAULT NOW EITHER.

I get snappy too and I cry and get frustrated and scatter brained and exhausted and depressed still. I don't know how to fix it yet, I am only just seeing the picture myself. And my family still doesn't understand PTSD and how it still cripples me.
But at least because I could actually give my daughter HER FLOOR FOR ANGER and yes I saw that her thinking and feeling is real but she hasn't seen the whole picture yet either, she is just angry, confused and upset too? I am making progress by listening even though, well, it hurts.

What you did here in this thread, THAT IS IMPORTANT, YOU NEEDED TO LET THAT OUT and YOU MAY NEED TO DO SOME MORE OF THAT AS WELL. You need to be heard, to feel and work on recovering, AND THERE IS A LOT THERE SPIDER. This is going to take time for you. But maybe because you have the "Big Picture", you can remember to BE KIND TO YOURSELF in THIS PROCESS.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

I wish I could be as strong as you, spider.

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by 1982

I wish I could be as strong as you, spider.

I promise you, there are days when you wouldn't say that, when I'm just in bits of worthless shaking! I think you do what you have to do.

Thank yhou all for the encouragement. It means so much.