[PiperLeigh]

The flashbacks I have been experiencing lately have been pretty major. The kind where I can't breathe, I have to get out of the house, and I feel like I am having a heart attack kind. This past week something different has been happening. I have been having a hard time believing that the specific memories of what happened are really true. I don't know if I am consciously or unconsciously trying to forget things or what. But it's really affecting me. What happened and that it happened isn't remotely in question because there is an arrest record, and my sister also experienced what I did at the same time, etc. And yet, last night as I was sobbing on the back porch, I found myself in disbelief that those things that I have been remembering actually happened. I told my husband that I think I'm going crazy and it couldn't have happened like I had remembered, that I wasn't sure I could possibly be remembering right. I found myself really wanting him to say it didn't happen. But then I also didn't want to feel like I was going insane, so I asked him to call my sister and ask if it really happened how I remember. I was feeling so uncertain about those memories. He gently shushed me as he comforted me and said it definitely happened how I remember and that he didn't need to call my sister because everyone remembers when it happened and the story of what happened is consistent and has been for fifteen+ years. Why am I struggling with this? It's like I don't want to believe it any more and I just want to be able to mentally deny it even happened. I swear I'd be willing to voluntarily forget it all in a moment if I could...

No real question here. I just know many of you have been down this road and understand. And sometimes just knowing someone else understands helps. <3

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

I told my husband that I think I'm going crazy and it couldn't have happened like I had remembered, that I wasn't sure I could possibly be remembering right.

Why am I struggling with this? It's like I don't want to believe it any more and I just want to be able to mentally deny it even happened.

No real question here. I just know many of you have been down this road and understand. And sometimes just knowing someone else understands helps. <3

I don't know what happened to you, but I do understand doubting memories about traumatic events that have happened in our lives. When I told my therapist about a particular incident, I later went back and told her that I thought I made it up. I told her that I may have added more things to it than really happened.

She talked with me about this and said that when things happen to us as a child, we remember them as a child would. In other words, if my abuser was 30ish years old and I was only 10, I would see him as "an old man". In reality, he wasn't. I may have said that he tried to 'touch me' in certain areas and did certain sexual acts, when he may have done most of what I said, but the other part I may have assumed happened because as an adult, I understand what (sex) is about.

I know this sounds really confusing, but it made sense when she was talking to me about it. Like you, I know that it happened, because the police were called. There is no doubt that he did what he did. It happened on two occassions, and I told my mother each time. The first time I thought I had 'dreamed' it. I didn't understand what he had done, because as a child, I couldn't comprehend it at all.

I cannot even begin to relate to your pain because it sounds like what happened to you is far worse than what happened to me. I wish there was more that I could say to help. I probably didn't help one bit with anything I have said, but I wanted you to know that I read your post. Your pain is evident in what you have written.

I am glad that you are seeking out the help and guidance from a therapist. It has helped me tremendously.

[Open Eyes]

(((Piper)))

I get the same way, I want to deny it and I also just want to forget. I find myself questioning why I seem to need to remember so many things, things that happened so long ago.

All of what you are thinking and feeling and questioning is a part of the PTSD. There is often a lot of doubt. For myself, I find that when I have flashbacks and old memories they ARE true. And what I wonder mostly about it why I have to revisit and like you say, wish I could just forget.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[PiperLeigh]

Thanks both of you. I'm just taking it one day at a time, or five minutes at a time when necessary. <3

[georgianchic22]

I completely understand u! I went through some traumatic things when I was younger and sometimes I sit thee and wonder if it really happened. It is so unreal, so terrible that i wonder if maybe it was just a terrible nightmare, and it seemed so real. unfortunately I know for a fact it is all true, and tying to convince myself it isn't didnt really help. We would all take away the bad, our past, the terrible memorie...I know I would! But life isn't like that. BUT you can talk about it, go to therapy, share your story.Sometimes that makes me feel n\much better just to get it off my chest. I am sorry you are going through this, it is very difficult, and I hope it gets better for all of us.

[Nammu]

Just a validation here. The same has happened with me, it happens periodically. The physical symptoms have gotten better over time as I have learned to talk about it and use the grounding tools T's have taught me though the years.

[cherubcheeks93]

[quote=Squiggle328;2389848]"I don't know what happened to you, but I do understand doubting memories about traumatic events that have happened in our lives. When I told my therapist about a particular incident, I later went back and told her that I thought I made it up."

"The first time I thought I had 'dreamed' it. I didn't understand what he had done, because as a child, I couldn't comprehend it at all."

I completly relate to you on this, im currently driving myself mad over it, when i was younger a bad thing happened to me and for years it seemed like a dream but i knew it was'nt i got horrible feelings in my stomach and i felt scared or angry when i thought about it.
also after everything came out about my abuse it was as if my brain was trying to shove the memorie away again and iv started doubting myself, i know it happened but i still feel doubt in myself, do you understand what i mean?