Killing me softly? :)

Hi!

I hope everyone is doing fine. I need help. I need light, understanding, support, ideas, a pistol (j/k).
I made a thread about my situation here http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...69#post2526569

If you could please read and help me, I will appreciate it. A LOT!

(((creativelight)))

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your husband.

I do have PTSD, as well as a few other mental health troubles, but I'm having some difficulty understanding what your hub's perspective is on sex with you. Do you know what triggered your hub's PTSD? How long he's struggled with the illness? Is your hub currently working with a T? Or taking medications to help manage the anxiety that he feels?

What are the other triggers for your hub? Is he working towards overcoming any of his triggers right now, or simply trying to accept that he has PTSD?

How far along are you in your pregnancy? Is he involved in planning, or is the entire concept too stressful for your hub to take part of? Personally, I felt pretty darn sexy when I was pregnant! We lived in a very HOT area then, so I'd wear a bikini & go swimming daily. I also went for long walks daily and ate healthy meals, to stay fit. My hub (at that time) seemed to think that I was pretty sexy as well. We tried different positions, to make things more comfortable or me as well. He took me from behind, which seems to be a common favorite position for men. Oral sex was another release for him (and myself).

I wish you both the best. It must be very stressful for you to feel like you aren't sexy enough to interest your hub anymore. My heart aches for you, just thinking about it! If this negative behavior continues despite my suggestions, I'd certainly recommend seeing a marriage counselor to help both of you work through the resulting emotions. PTSD does suck ~ but his infatuation with "perfect women" sure isn't helping strengthen your marriage and commitment to one another. You deserve better.

He does not take any meds or see a T. We're just riding it. I think his PTSD started when he first went to Iraq. He survived many, many struggles. Watching people explode next to him and many more adventures... Many, many more. However I just started asking more and more questions and he said that even before war, he lost interest in intercourse in his relationships. Damn it, I kind of knew it. Must be another mental issue.

((((Creative)))) I am deeply sorry that you are both going thru this right now. I do believe the lack of intimacy makes sense in terms of it being such a beautiful, life affirming act...the PTSD from which he struggles includes trauma from losing those he loved in horrific ways and being a witness to that terrible loss. To death.

I would encourage you to get in touch with the VA so you can find support. You are not the only one that has / is experiencing this. Knowledge will go a long way.

And hopefully, your H will find support as well. xx

God bless
Rose

Creativelight, as someone who sufferers from PTSD I am terrified of intimacy. I once told my T that I would like to experience a climax before I die just so I could under stand what all the shouting was about. However when I was pregnant I felt great and the sexiest I ever felt. Don't ask me to explain that one, but still no climaxes.

Since you H is experiencing those though porn that doesn't quite seem to be the on the same level fear as I am. Maybe it's a gender thing? I don't know what to say. When I was married I was married and my ex never knew I was faking it, but I was ever so happy that part of is was over when we separated. I'm kind of naive on this issue, but feel that if your H knows that this is something that affects the marriage he should get help for it. As a vet he can get help for PTSD. I feel like I'm making this worse.

I've never seen this come up before on our PTSD forum. I kinda assumed everyone with PTSD had fears of intimacy and getting close to people. I know you can not force him to treatment if he doesn't want it. What about you, can you get a T(therapist is PC speak) I am a straight female but I think all pregnant females look their very best during those times. You don't need a pistil but a camera to record just how beautiful you are at this time in your life. Is your Pdoc monitoring you and keeping an eye on any meds you are taking? My daughter is also bipolar and has gone off all her meds for the pregnancy so her Dr's all of them are keeping a close eye on her.

I wish you the very best and if there is anything I can say to help you understand my own fears of intimacy I'll be glad to help with that. Take care of yourself and your baby I'm overly tired so I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth.

(((creativelight)))

Two of my bf's young cousins served in Iraq and Afghanistan. One came back from the Marines with physical injuries and PTSD ~ he was on a special forces team providing safety to top officers and politicians. He hasn't ever talked about it with me, but I know that he's seen some pretty intense things while he was on duty.

The other cousin just finished training for another special forces unit, and is going somewhere (he's not allowed to talk about it) for a while. That is a scary concept to me. Especially being that he's younger than his brother, who was injured in Iraq. Why would he want to undergo the same traumatic experiences??

Anyway...I do understand that both the male psyche and veterans deal with PTSD differently than I do. Completely different experiences have brought up similar feelings ~ intense fear, desire to erase memories, fighting the urge to run, etc. However, I think that we differ in how we deal with these fears and intense memories. I do think that it would be especially helpful if you could get your hub in to see a T, and talk about what's plaguing him. He does need to get these things off his mind somehow.

Years ago, I was majoring in Psychology, and one of my professors had a lot of interest in PTSD. He had a group of veterans that he saw weekly to discuss their memories and feelings. Perhaps your hub (or you?) could find a group that works on things like these by a base near you? Best wishes to you!

It has been long since I seen a T or had any meds. I'd say more than 5 years. Thank God I have managed without trouble. However, I decided I will start sessions with a T. I always been more to the manic side but with the pregnancy and the situation I'm leaning towards depression and that I don't know how to handle.

Hopefully we will work on this one with success. Thank you and thank you all for your support, it's really appreciated. <3

Hey. I read your thread on your link. I still have not figured out how to do that link thing. Oh well. I wanted to respond to your thread. I know how your H feels. I have PTSD. I can understand where your H is coming from with porn. I have connection issues and do not want any sexual contact or any contact period. I just don't want an emotional investment I guess. My H and I have sex because thats what married people do. But if we never had it again it would suit me fine. It is not the sex I'm against it's the connection and emotional availability. I watch porn. I like it. (Yep I'm female and watch porn) Even weirder considering what happened in the past. But thats another story for another time. We are talking about you here. "Things" work just fine alone or w/ porn. There is no emotional connection. My H will watch it with me sometimes and NOTHING ZILCH ZERO as far as making things happen when he is there. It has to be me or me and porn. It is the connection thing. Things work fine for him though. It requires considerably less time for him if he watches porn. So I let him, it gets it over with faster.

We have started T together. It is helping a tiny little bit. It turns out that in the quest for finding the way to deal w/ this trauma so many more triggering events came up and now we have lots to work on. We had to table the one major event an sort threw all the small events in first. YIPEE! (Not) But it has given my H a little more perspective on where I am coming from and it is helping him to make changes to get the desired result from me. I actually touched my H on the leg for the first time since we dated 18 years ago probably. I thought he was gonna choke on his tea. It was nerve racking but baby steps. So to make a long story short T helps and the viewing of porn has nothing to do w/ you. We all need a release and thats one way to get it w/ out an emotional connection. I hope this has helped you and not made you think yuck what a weirdo.

It has helped me, thanks a lot I do appreciate it. I watch porn as well and I wouldn't mind if he watches but also has intimacy with me. However you have helped me understand that what he may be avoiding is the emotional connection. It wouldn't surprise me. I will hopefully soon start with a T, maybe he will join. Let's see how it works! Again, thank you!

I suffer from PTSD from a horrible childhood and my sex life is great. When I have a boyfriend all I want to do is have sex with him. When I was with my ex-fiance we had a great sex life. We were having sex 3 or 4 times a day. I don't know if PTSD is the problem here. I think it may be more of may be is not interested in having sex anymore. I am not saying your ugly or anything cause I don't know you but may be in his head you have lost your sex appeal men are crazy like that. I will reccomend maybe trying a new postion or something to peak his interest. Watch a porn with him see what those girls are doing to the guys on there and than try them on him. I am against porn but I did watch it once with my ex fiance and I will tell you it did help our sex life for a little while. The porn gave me new ideas and helped to start the process of us having sex. When you watch it with your partner it gets you both in the mood and than the sex is so much better. I am trying to help by telling you things that helped keep us together for almost 3 years til we broke up in Feburary of this year. Trust me watching a porn with your man can do wonders for your sex life.

PTSD often leads to the type of sex that is very frequent. PTSD affects folks in different ways. I was raped repeatedly over the course of about 9 months. It is odd that porn is something I partake in but again for me it is the emotional connection I avoid. We are all wired differently. Pregnancy was the only time I wanted more frequent sex I think it had more to do w/ increased blood flow and hormones. But I still didn't want to be touched especially as a pregnant person.

I'm proud of you for being able to have a healthy sex life after going through that.

I think he might have a combination of situations. I think it's emotional because it happened with all of his serious relationships. Also something that aggravates him is the fact that he has an herniated disk, he just found out today. That's why he has been in a lot of pain for the longest time.

He tried to kill his ex wife while he was asleep, He couldn't remember it. With me at the beginning he used to have sex in the middle of the night and couldn't remember it. I'm thinking that once he becomes sort of emotionally attached in a relationship he no longer has sexual interest. But that's just my hypothesis.

Healthy sex life is an understatement. Our sex life is not great because of lack of emotional connection. But I do give it up because it makes my H a happy man. I did get 3 beautyful kids out of the deal though. For that I'll be forever grateful.