[lostgman]

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It's a friggin awful disease. Sorry, I just wanted to express my anger in the safest way possible....and hope that it makes me feel just a little better.

You all that know my story please keep my wife in your thoughts. We have definitely hit that "worse before it gets better" part.

Thanks,

Gman

[Honey Bee Sunrise]

I don't know your story (I'm really new here!) but my Pdoc is trying to tell me that I have PTSD and not bipolar disorder. I don't care what it is, it's miserable!

I hope you get some relief from your troubles soon!

[liveforfish]

New myself. Have you tried EMT (eye movement therapy)

Many people find it works.

Either way, your in the mist of the struggle and it sucks!! Praying you get to the other side soon.

[kindachaotic]

Oh gman I hate it for you too. If you guys are at lowest point just try to survive-breathe for now.
Take it one minute, hour at a time. After these deep wounds are worked thru she can begin to heal.
Know you want things to happen faster, I'm sure she does too.
She may not realize things can be better but she can learn. Slowly but surely.
There's so much to live for, you, your children, grandkids. She will see a brighter future it will just take time.
I know you won't give up. But...remember to take care of yourself. You deserve a better life too.
Glad you posted, venting helps & will def keep y'all in thoughts & prayers.

[Big Mama]

(((((GMAN)))) I am so sorry this is happing to yall. Between reduced daylight and what ever that seasonal disorder is, and Thanksgiving and Christmas putting thoughts of family right here on top of us, it is hard to stay afloat. (at least for my little family)

If things are at rock bottom then they can only get better. Kids do seem to help pull us out of these ugly moments sepicially w/ Christmas. They are so happy and excited so full of life and hope. Sometimes life takes the faith of a child to pull us threw life's difficult moments.

Please take care of yourself to Gman. Talk to who ever you need to. The T can help sort things out better then we can here at PC. Talk to us here at PC it feel different to talk to a friend then someone you pay. Every person who responds just proves you are not alone. They/we care about you and can relate at least somewhat with the PTSD, abuse, families and so many other things. Remain strong your wife needs you, you are her rock her hero. Those kids need there daddy. Keep your head up. It has to get better. (especially if you are already at the bottom)

[Open Eyes]

(((gman)))),

Oh, how I have felt that so many time, many of us feel that way. It is important to have a place to express it too.

When I get to feeling that way, I try to keep in mind to at least be grateful that we all have a way of being understood, get therapy, and have a name for how we struggle. You have to learn to be "thankful" for all the help you "do" get.

I often think about how hard it must have been for people who struggled like us who didn't have a name for it, and didn't have real help for it, who were even blamed or people looked at them funny and just called them "crazy". Because PTSD is not something new, people have struggled with it throughout history. I believe that some of our well known leaders struggled with it. Abraham Lincoln was known to be meloncoly, have a sense of forshortened life, and his wife, she too was discribed as being somewhat "troubled with mental illness". But they lost children and had so many challenges. Lincoln suffered headaches, well most of us know about those headaches. I remember asking my T what was happening when my brain felt like it was in a vice grip. It frightened me because it was not the typical headache.

I spend a lot of time here at PC, and I do that because I know that PTSD can be such a beast and people who have it are often very lonely, misunderstood, and feel very lost and confused. It can be hard to find a good therapist too, I have been through that myself. So, as I keep learning and gaining, I share whatever I learn with others, because that is what I so desperately needed myself. I also know that I went through stages that I truely didn't understand and I had very bad thoughts too.
But as time passed, those challenges lessoned and I could see "progress" taking place, I personally feel it, and I am lucky to have a T that sees it too and keeps me to task at continuing to work at it.

The one thing that "helps" when someone is struggling with PTSD, is support, patience and gaining "knowledge". I was in such a dangerous state of mind last year and one day I had a talk with a vet and it was a talk that saved my life. We talked about how we struggled with the darkest part of PTSD. And we both began to talk about the times when we battle so much inner anger that the desire to end is very strong. However, it has a time line to it, and if we hang on and it really is hard, we make it past those very dark days.

At the time, I had been engaging in interactions on PC and I helping others and giving my opinions and thoughts about different topics. But none of the members knew how much I was struggling, I didn't talk about it. It helped me alot to reach out to others and come up with ways they could think about their challenges that might help them, so by doing that, I was reminded that I did have skills, and I did do and learn positive things in my life. But, I still had some very dark days, and I was very alone with that. I know that sometimes I came on strong, even had long posts. But, those were the days where I was trying sooooo hard to be strong in my own private battle.

How do you explain to other members when you are posting that you just came off of a terrible flashback and your brain is part child and part you as an adult? How do you tell other members as you are grasping at your "adult mind" that just yesterday you endured this horrible flashback from when you were such a young child and your husband came home, stands at the bedroom door while you are huddled in your bed in desperation with the T on the phone, and he yells at you to STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD!? How do you explain that to anyone where they are going to be able to understand that? It doesn't happen unless you talk to someone else that "gets it, that experiences it too and can support you".

And what do you say to another member that comes out with, "Oh, I had bad things happen in my life too and I can deal with it". A few people who mumble about how they "think" PTSD is overdiagnosed and is being used as AN EXCUSE.

What do you say to someone you meet that comes out with "women here are nuts and they seem dumb and keep making the same mistakes", or then they jokingly begin to use the term "psychocentral"? What do you do when you try to tell someone to leave you alone and they don't listen and begin to make it a point to "critique you whenever you give your POV?

I had that at home, in my home too. I don't know if it is better to be alone while working through PTSD, of have a husband who is contantly staring at you and asks you questions that you truely don't know how to answer. Or for some reason you spend a lot of time on PC because you are finding that it is helping your brain slow down and it is the one way you can gain access to the you that is "normal". And your husband comes home and wonders why you are not cleaning the house or doing something else.

How can you tell other people that the reason why you need to make sure you limit your exposure to interacting and going out to be around other people is that you don't quite know how long you can actually do that? Or, that you have to be careful because you might get triggered and go into a cycle and have people stare at you and make a comment that you are "behaving poorly" somehow and they make it worse. And you already know that when a cycle begins you are entering a challenge that you truely struggle to control.

I often wish, that there was a way to tell others, how much someone with PTSD is trying so hard, and JUST GIVE THEM SPACE AND UNDERSTANDING. If you see them get snappy and angry, they are in a cycle and give them some space.

As a person that really knows the challenge, I can say gman, that yes, I hate it too.
But I also know that with time and patience and lots of "self care and developing a pact with self to be kind to self inspite of it" a person struggling can make real gains on it. And it is very important not to tell self that you are now going to be forever broken and to just give up, because that is not true.

It does help though when you can have a place to go and gain access to someone else that has the same challenges as you do. While it is so helpful to have a good T, it is also so helpful to talk to others that experience it first hand and can say "me too" but keep trying I am gaining so I know you can too.

What I have come to understand about PTSD, is that the person who is struggling with it is going on a journey to face self, learn about self in a way that no one could ever imagine. It is a very challenging journey and even more challenging when you have others around you that don't understand it. I was constantly trying to put it into words too.

What I do know is that I have met others that struggle with it that are the "nicest" people I have ever met. And every one of them genuinely struggles with thinking they are somehow "ruined or broken" or even unworthy. The message I would like to send to your wife is no matter how hard it gets, she will learn soooo much and there will be a time when she will want to take it all and help others with it. I want to tell her to keep a part of herself that is commited to staying strong no matter what, because she is going to become stronger and wiser from what she is going to learn through this journey, even it doesnt feel that way for a while, she will make gains with time and patience.

Open Eyes

[lostgman]

Thanks everyone. It's nice to have a place to go to and be able to say "I hate this" and know there are people who do understand. I may not understand my wife's personal journey, but at least I understand that she has to go through hell to get to the other side. You're right OE, people that have never experienced it don't really understand. Everyone else would be looking for the straight jacket and a crazy stamp right now.

I really hate seeing her/anyone go through this. I have an awesome wife...it hurts to see her awesomeness being challenged. I know we'll get through this....I just need her to believe it too.

Thanks again,

Gman

[Open Eyes]

Well, gman, so far you have been doing all the right things for "you" as well. You allow yourself to talk about it, to reach out for support and do the things you need to do so that you remain as grounded as possible.

And I do believe your wife is an awsome person, most if not all the people who struggle like this are extremely kind hearted and good people.

The one other thing that I strongly advise is to not let yourself "react" to the anger when it comes out. That is often very hard to do, my husband would react instead of just listening until I finished the wave of the anger rant. When I think back on the worst of what I went through, I could not seem to "stop it" somehow it would just come out of me, much like a stomach virus where we just have something "come out of us".

Now, you saw me do it here and you did the right thing, you talked me down and the fact that someone saw it, understood it and was there for me, helped me tremendously. And that is something you can do with your wife as well. You can see beyond what may seem to not be apparent in content, but what is important is how you can notice the trigger or how a person is genuinely struggling.

I know my husband often felt he was "walking on egg shells around me" and he was right, I was extremely sensitive and whenever he pushed me around, I reacted. But that is how it is for a while, it isn't something I could help, I didn't like it either.

The biggest thing that helped me was "learning to observe" I began to realize that as I paid attention to what came out, I could work on it and each time I reduced the power of it.

I noticed that with myself, a lot of things happened to me in my past when I really didn't have any language that I could put to it. So part of the healing is through "lots of language and talking" and finally putting words to things. People who struggle with PTSD have a tremendous need for putting it into language. They want to find a way to label things "finally" so they can find a way to store it better in their minds.

We have this term "losing your marbles" well that is very accurate to discribe PTSD, because that is what happens, suddenly the person suffering has all these things they slowly have to finally pick up and sort through, "one marble at a time" and it really takes them time to figure out how to finally find a way to deal with all these unresolved things they lived through. And they are so taken by surprise that they suddenly have this happen to them too.

So make sure that you always do "self care" gman and make up your mind that there will be times when your wife will throw things at you that might seem like something small to be so upset about. The truth is not always in the content, but how it touches on something much deeper, which is usually attached to "something taken, something disrespected, someone not listening and her not having a way to stop it when it happened in the past". And that is an important one, because when she does "ask you to do something and you ignore it, her reaction will be "magified" to when that happened in her past".

Within a victim going through PTSD is a cry of "I need the power, I need to be heard, I need to own my boundaries, I should run, did I fail somehow, how can I fix this once and for all to stop the pain?". And finally, how to I finally know I am safe in my life, and can stop having to go overboard with trying to be so strong all the time?

Some things only your wife can finally find the answers to, and in her quest will be lots of anger, frustration, and "language".

Open Eyes

(((lostgman))) ...

[Open Eyes]

I touched on "language" in my post to you gman and I have noticed so many that struggle with PTSD truely struggle with "language". If you spend enough time really taking time to read something written by someone with PTSD you can actually see alot in their use of "language" often there will be missing words, sometimes the posts will be a tad bit hard to follow, and things can be left out and you have to try to fill in the blanks. Some people who have PTSD hardly say anything at all as well. They can sit with a therapist who wants them to talk, and they just don't know what to say, how to even begin to express themselves. And I can think of someone who is trying to understand why her T might not be happy with so little language.

Sigh, for me personally, I became a victim at a very early age, around 2, at least that is what I remember, but I do have a flashback that is very upsetting and I know I am somewhere younger than that. How on earth does that happen I wonder, it is the bad one I don't know how to fix to be honest.

I happened to see Dr. Phil tonite and he was talking to some of the parents, one parent who's child is only six and saw his teacher get shot and managed to run past the shooter and survive by escaping. And he is wondering if the bad man will come for him. He doesn't understand the boundaries of where it happened, and that it is over and the bad man is gone. And Dr. Phil told his parents to keep talking to him, keep listening to him and don't whisper to him, that is scarey, so talk normal. And he talked about the signs to watch out for, how the child can want to isolate and be quiet, can become depressed, not want to go to school, and how to be careful because children can easily begin to blame themselves. Children around age six don't know how to think about things like adults do.

It made me realize things about myself and how it was for me as a child, and he is right, I did isolate and I had no real language or way of telling my parents what my brother was doing to me.

One day when my husband heard what happened to me, he got so angry with me, he asked me "why didn't you tell, you should have told and fought back". And I had to really think about that. I did tell him that I was just a small child and didn't understand and that wasn't good enough for him. I should have still told.

I finally realized that I really didn't have the language to tell about something like that. I really thought of my brother as the bad guy alot and I was sooo afraid of him, and I knew he would get so angry that he could really hurt me, I knew his anger was really bad. His anger was not nomal anger, it was "destructive".

I really never expected to have PTSD, never realized it could happen and that I would relive my childhood and every single time I was abuse, "it was alot".

Gman, that is why it is sooo hard for your wife, because she didn't have the language, it just wasn't there. They talk about how hard it is for the adult mind to understand the child mind, yes that is so true because the child was hurt, blamed themself somehow, and there was NO REAL LANGUAGE, not like Niki has now. So what comes forward really does have to have the language put to it. So much struggle, but no language that should have been there for the child from a parent, and so the child had their own language or stuffed it all away somehow.

When someone is a victim, they can go a long time without the language they need. And they can feel so guilty about that. And because it isn't really there, they don't want to talk about it. I didn't want to talk to my therapist about what happened to me as a child. I chose to use an example from PC, to get his opinion on the challenge of CSA. He began the language for me. I didn't know how to do that myself. And that is why so many don't want to talk about CSA.

Yes, I had a lot of anger tucked away in me and it did come out. And I did struggle with the language, it was odd.

Any child that was neglected or abused will feel challenged with language and not truely realize it. So if we are challenged as an adult, we can struggle with the language we need to resolve things we just didn't understand when we were young.

So, gman, remember that when your wife stuggles and gets mad and throughs things your way in her anger. It is her attempt to try to put language to some very deep pain.
It is a big challenge.

If you think about this trajedy going on now in Conn, even adults struggle to put language to it.
So, victims struggle, even adult victims struggle.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

I had that at home, in my home too. I don't know if it is better to be alone while working through PTSD, of have a husband who is contantly staring at you and asks you questions that you truely don't know how to answer. Or for some reason you spend a lot of time on PC because you are finding that it is helping your brain slow down and it is the one way you can gain access to the you that is "normal". And your husband comes home and wonders why you are not cleaning the house or doing something else.

Open eyes this statement is so me. It seems I am home all day and get nothing done. I can see what needs to be done I tick away at it slowly and nothing gets accomplished. I try so hard then my H comes home and says "What in the hell do you do all day" and I can't find the words to tell him. I feel exausted and I have tackled the house work in bits in pieces because that is only way I can seem to do it. I don't not do it on purpose, I know what needs to be done, I try, I'm so scattered mentally I can't keep on task. I don't try to disobey and tick my H off. If I could I would do anything to keep the piece.

You are so right about the language barriers to. The words live in my head and I cannot get them out. It is like feeling live in me and you can't speak a feeling. We speak words. I can feel it, I can live it, I know what I want to say because I can think it but I can't say it. I know that sounds weird. I can write it sometimes but not all the time. Sometimes it is just to much confussion to be able to put words w/ it. Other times people who read what I write cannot believe the thoughts and organization live w/in me. Because talking to me is very scattered. Things come out wrong or I cannot find the right word.The right things come out at the right time. I have learned to just be quiet and people think I am stuck up or weird. I just hate looking foolish. Between being told by my H what you have to say is not important, to just shut up and my own feeling of inadequacy it doesn't have much benefit to me to speak up.

you do make some very good points open eyes. You shed light on this all the time. PTSD seems to just be something that is raked under the rug and covered up. I know I have brought so many issues to my T and she most likely has a tough time determining what to tackle first. I have kind just put things out there in the form of a verbal list. A kind of well I have this going on and she looks at me like why didn't you say so sooner. Then the next week I tell her I have this life long issue that makes me see things this way or that way and again she has the "what" kind of look . I can only seem to get things out there in a verbal list. Just spit out little pieces at a time. I finally told my T though "I think you have enough little pieces no to make a big picture" she didn't have any questions really.

You have been such a blessing to me to have an idea of what is going on. Because it is quite scary to wonder what in the hell is going on w/ me. And my H confirming I'm crazy. I'm not crazy just struggling to make it the best way I know how and alone at that.

Thank you again for all your insight.

[Yoda]

My traumatic events were about twelve years ago and my PTSD was horrid. When my horse was alive he was soothing. Kittens too.

There is hope it will get better. It has only been in the past two years that the flashbacks have settled but I finally am in a good place.

I wish you the best. Keep posting and hug a furry animal or stuffed one.

[Big Mama]

I love my horses. My old horse took 25 years of secrets to the grave. My new little friend will have quite alot of stories in his little mind to.(little because he is a mini, little in size huge in heart and love)

[Open Eyes]

We must remember here that we are all trying to "help" gman because he "is" trying to understand how "he" can help his wife that is struggling with PTSD and feels confused like we did/do and can suddenly get angry at him or he does something wrong somehow and he doesnt always know what his wife will do or be like next. So, he is the one that is "walking on egg shells" and it is "very hard" on him. Let us also remember that he too struggles with PTSD, but, not with this kind of "challenge" in his history.

I am trying to help him understand how to take it one day at a time and what "he" can do that will help his wife. And he is overwhelmed right now, because he doesn't know "what is coming next" as I mentioned.

I try to think about what "I" needed from my own husband when "I" was going through the hardest part of PTSD. We all can say how much we are "misunderstood" and how truely hard it is for us. He is seeing that unfolding in front of him, and he often feels so overwhelmed with it.

My effort to help him is to think about what "I" was actually doing when I was in the stage his wife is in now. And now that I look back, I was really trying very hard to put a language to it so I could find "resolve".

I had some very "dark" thoughts, and I felt as if I was a million miles away from having the ability to put an explaination of myself, myself meaning, into a language that my husband and others could understand.
At the same time, I didn't know if I could put my challenge into a "language" that even "I" could understand.

Now, if he were to take what I just said, and say that to his wife, do you feel that it would help her? When I think about it, I would have liked my husband to be able to say that to me.

So,
"Honey, I am sooo sorry that you have PTSD, I know that it is such a big challenge. But you are going to get through this, right now you are just trying to find the "language" you can use to help yourself and also help me understand you too. It's is going to be ok honey, I am here and I am listening and we can find the language together. I know it is hard, but it will come "slowly", I am here.

I am trying to think of something he could say to his wife to help her not be hard on herself, that tells her he is there and it is ok for her to keep working through the PTSD that she doesn't understand right now.

What do you think?

Open Eyes

[lostgman]

I don't post a lot....but I do read...probably more than I should sometimes. I came here in a huge way...very confused....very lost....very scared about what was happening with my wife and her past SA finally coming out....and I put it all out there. Shortly after finding PC I found another site specifically for spouses of SA survivors. I thought that's what I was looking for....way wrong answer. After a few days they had me thinking geeeez....I was never going to be able to touch my wife again....never going to have sex again......and I was probably going to go through this for years and years and end up divorced. It was depressing to say the least. Glad I left cause it didn't help at all.

OE hit the nail on the head....I have PTSD too...and it can be challenging. I do have anger issues...not as bad now...but any man finding out to what extent his wife was hurt by another is going to be angry....PTSD just magnifies it. I don't want to be the one that adds to my wife's pain. I don't always know how I'm going to react or what to say....partly because I'm a man....and we say some stupid things. One minute I think....hey I've got this....the next minute...I'm overwhelmed and shutting down. My shrink tells me...you've been here....you've done this....remember how it felt and how you got through it....yes it's different for her but it's also the same. I keep hearing I'm doing a great job and I'm doing things right....I'm just never really sure. Hearing from others here that have been through this in some way really helps. It's not just shrink logic but hands on knowledge.

I know I was kinda vague with the "worse before it gets better" thing. I do understand we may be going through this worse part for some time. Not to go into to much detail...my wife was able to find her voice and let out a lot of anger and pain this past weekend. A lot of it was directed towards me even though it had nothing to do with me. It really hurt and I had to keep telling myself it wasn't about me. It was really hard to see a person that has always maintained control....lose control. I'm told I have to let her get it out...I did my best. I finally realized that I had to get all the guns out of the house...and the only meds in the house are now out of reach. That was a really hard realization to have. Things are more calm now, but I know they aren't going to stay that way.....so I do appreciate any input and advice from those who have been there.

For those of you that had no idea what I was going through and showed your support......thank you for understanding that I was struggling. For those of you that did have an idea where I was and what might be going on......thank you for your understanding and positive input. I love my wife and would do anything for her...I just have to realize that I'm limited on what I can actually do. Yes...I still hate PTSD!!

Yoda....You gave me an idea for an awesome gift........and that cat picture always makes me smile when I see it....thank you.

Thanks again,

Gman