[suzzie]

was thinking about my sessions. i thought my difficulty in t. was connected to the ptsd. but now im wondering if they are separate. does ptsd affect how you act in your sessions.

[LilMercy]

Yessss!!! I've been known more then once to just shut down, have flashbacks and etc.

I wont even talk about certain things

[ThisWayOut]

symptoms definitely have affected my sessions... They can be triggered in session and, similar to LilMercy, have had flashbacks, shut down, dissociated, and just fallen to pieces in sessions before... A lot of it is connected to my defenses, I don't want to access the trauma or the hurt. My dissociation will just kick in when it gets too much for my consciousness to handle and my brain keeps me safe from over-loads.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, PTSD has affected how I act/feel in therapy. I am always "very tired" after therapy and kind of spacey the next day. It took me a while to begin to "trust" my therapist too. I was already hurting to a point where sometimes I didn't want to interact and get triggered to feel worse.

It took me a long time before I really talked about my childhood. I didn't feel it had anything to do with how I felt in the present. After I began to talk about it, I realized how much it "did" have a lot to do with how I am/struggle.

PTSD tends to "magnify" our emotions/reactions so because of my history of the way I was abused/bullied/misunderstood, it was very important to me to have a therapist that was "not" pushy and judgemental and especially "not" dismissive.

One day I was very motivated to get big poster sized paper and write down the things that were upsetting me. It seemed to be to only way I could release my inner frustrations. I ended up taking that to my therapist and he told me it was very good for me to do that, anything that helps me let things out is important. Sometimes it can be very hard to put things into words when someone struggles, especially if they had a history of feeling that speaking up was not something they were allowed to do growing up.

It can be a challenge for some people who struggle with PTSD because they often don't have the "language" to express the things that can deeply hurt/trouble them. So what I learned is that it was important for me to pay attention to "all my feelings" and put them into words in whatever way I could.
My therapist has consistantly "validated" me every step of the way, which helped me to gain momentum in finding the language to go with how I struggled.

When I first joined PC there were different things I posted to that helped me to just "talk and think" one step at a time. At first that was very hard for me to do because my mind was often "racing" with too many thoughts so it was an effort to focus and slow down.

Ofcourse I am older, so I have had more time to adapt and develope inspite of my troubled past. If I was younger, I may not have responded to therapy as well. I did spend time with poetry, art, and music which gave me a way to express myself with language without directly interacting and feeling the pressure of being judged or hurt.

Each person is a little different in how they find ways to "express" themselves, if they tend to be quiet and shy, PTSD can maginfy that.

[avlady]

PTSD - i am in a predicament here as every time i try to talk about my past with my mother she gets angry and says i shouldn't dwell on the past but live in the present. i get angry inside and don't show it. and i've learned not to talk to her about it either. how else am i going to know about it it was painful for her so i will not bring it up anymore, but does anybody else in here think the past is important, and could you give me some advice?

[Hellion]

Maybe, sometimes I question if I should continue going....I mean I know the therapist is doing their best and all but sometimes it seems like more frustration than is worth the effort for because its hard trying to explain things. Also, I have a hard time dealing with it if the therapist comes to an incorrect conclusion about what I was trying to say or gets the wrong idea and says something potentially triggerring in an attempt to be helpful.

I have an appointment later I am not even sure I want to go to though I may as well.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Maybe, sometimes I question if I should continue going....I mean I know the therapist is doing their best and all but sometimes it seems like more frustration than is worth the effort for because its hard trying to explain things. Also, I have a hard time dealing with it if the therapist comes to an incorrect conclusion about what I was trying to say or gets the wrong idea and says something potentially triggerring in an attempt to be helpful.

I have an appointment later I am not even sure I want to go to though I may as well.

Hellion I am responding to you first because you "should" go to your appointment. You need to share what you have stated here with this therapist as well.

When someone struggles with PTSD this is often a common complaint.
Yes, it is hard trying to "explain" things when struggling with PTSD. I have that myself and it has been a lot of work for me to articulate things I am feeling in a way that others understand sometimes. It is not unusual for someone who struggles with PTSD to be "misunderstood".

In fact, at my T session yesterday, I talked about that with my T. I have been slowly gaining on my ablility to slow down and articulate things better, however when I first began therapy I would try to talk about something and as I did that often I experienced too many thoughts coming all at once and I know it wasn't easy for him to follow me. I always felt that I had too little time in therapy to discuss where I was at the time as well.

Yes, I can relate to how you are feeling, I felt like that many times, even that my T might "assume something" that others assumed that was no where near my "reality". I didn't want my T to be "dismissive" in anyway either because that was a huge trigger to me, something that had hurt me badly many times in my personal history.
And, anyone that has a history of being bullied/abused will feel challenged this way.

Often times if a T is not really well educated about "PTSD" they can misunderstand the anger and frustration and verbal "push" as something very different than how the person is trying so hard to be understood and finally "validated". Often a patient can discuss one thing that is really bothering them and be very emotional about it, and it can seem "something small and manageable" to a T or average person to deal with. However, for someone with PTSD, it isn't small because often it is connected to a lot of "hurt/damage/trama" from their past.

Honestly, it is almost like not being allowed to breath, holding on and finally getting that first breath and it is not normal, it is a huge gasp, because there was a definite "lack" that really challenged you.
And having someone tell you to "breath slowly" and just not get that you were being "suffocated" and it is impossible for you to "slow your breathing".

I know it is hard Hellion, but it is important that you actually make the effort to finally work "through" it, even though it is so tiring. You "can" get to a point where it becomes more "rewarding" if you work through it.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by avlady

PTSD - i am in a predicament here as every time i try to talk about my past with my mother she gets angry and says i shouldn't dwell on the past but live in the present. i get angry inside and don't show it. and i've learned not to talk to her about it either. how else am i going to know about it it was painful for her so i will not bring it up anymore, but does anybody else in here think the past is important, and could you give me some advice?

(((avlady))),

This is a very "common" challege that people who struggle with PTSD face. In fact many people are told this most of their lives and it is not unusal for a parent to tell a child this, and it isn't fair to the child. More importantly it sends a deep subconscious message to "not talk about things that bother us". This is something that many who now sit across from a T have to overcome because they believe that it is "wrong" to talk about their problems. Often they feel the T will judge them poorly and think they are crazy or bad for needing to talk about the things that have upset them.

I have lost count of how many times in my life I have been told, "that is in the past, let it go, move on, and don't "dwell". Oh, and "you can't change the past, it's over and you gotta "just" let go and move on".
It is often the first thing people tend to say.

The truth is, when someone has a need to "talk about the past", they already know they can't change it, but what they do need is "validation and help mourning it and being comforted until they experience finally feeling heard and healed".

The truth is, we all need this and "no" we don't just "get over upsetting and tramatic things" and forget and "just" move on.
Think about the latest Newtown, CT trajedy, there is still alot of talk going on, and expression of anger and questioning. This will never be "just" get over it and move on. The same is true for 9/11 and other tramatic events that "society" has endured and "remembers" and "needs to talk about from time to time".

When people react to you like you are discribing avlady, they are "invalidating" you and that "always hurts and just adds to the trama or challenge". And if you heard any of the "professional advice" given to parents after this Newtown event, they have been instructed to make sure that when a child needs to talk, LISTEN AND VALIDATE!!!! Do not allow a person to be invalidated or go off and isolate after a trama. And, if someone is not careful, they can begin to develope PTSD.

I am very sorry that you have people that tend to insist you, "just let go, forget, move on, live in the now, and surpess your need to "talk about your pain". Human beings are designed to need to be "comforted" when they are frightened, upset, or tramatized. Being "comforted" gives us all permission to heal and feel we "can continue to exist and thrive". Some people are tramatized more than others, and that means they need to talk out their feelings more and have some "healing helpful validations and suggestions on how to take away some postives and growth from troubling events".

I am sorry that you are around people that don't seem to "get that", unfortunately, that is all too common and leads to many people struggling, instead of actually "healing".

You have a right to be heard and express whatever has been challenging you.

You are always welcome to come here and talk, we all know how to listen and support you, and, that it will help you heal.

Open Eyes

[avlady]

Thank you so much Open Eyes thank you for the long post,
I almost knew what you would say as i am intellectually able to figure it out, i just never could explain it verbally and have it validated by someone else.I am able to do it in writing now, it helped so much just to write itdown, but i still know i have to keep it between my therapist and me. i certainly can not bring it up with my mother, out of curtesy for her feelings, the problem was about my sister who comitted suicide, and was wondering if it is normal to want to talk about it, but i know in my heart i love my mother too much to put the questions on the table because of the pain on her part. it's been since 1987, seems so long ago, but again it seems like today!thank you so much!!!!!

[Open Eyes]

(((avlady))),

You are welcome, it took me time to be able to put it into words myself, I can relate to the knowing, but not being able to articulate it.

The challenge you are discussing is a big challenge. What your mother has been telling you is the only thing she "knows how to do" about that experience. Remember, often we each mourn something in our own way. For her it was a "her child" and there is always going to be an emptyness there for her that she just can't put words to herself.

You, on the other hand are looking at it from the perspective of a child who lost a sibling and wants the parent to help make that hurt go away for you. We all tend to want that from our parents, it is normal human behavior. Your mother's response of "it is gone, let it go and let yourself live in the now" is more of what she wants you to do. She wants you to feel better like it never happened or is gone now, and that is the average response a mother gives a child.

When I suffered all that damage from my neighbor's dog, one of the horses that was badly damaged was my daughter's very precious show horse. She loved that horse like it was her child and I lost animals I loved too, and I also loved her horse because he added so much to her life and made her so happy. That was such a challenge for me because I was so shocked and hurt myself, and I really didn't know how to fix my daughter's hurt either. I ended up going into shock because I was so overwhelmed. Feeling hurt and seeing her so hurt everyday, day after day and knowing I could not fix it was too much for me. I ended up developing PTSD and went into depression and my daughter was pushing me too hard to somehow "jump up and be that phoenix I had been so many other times with other trajedies". I ended up going in to a PTSD rage and directed it towards her. I was not in control of that either, and that was something I would never normally do. That was the PTSD and after the rage was over the result was that my daughter was very hurt, and that is the last thing I wanted to happen. I asked all different people why that happened and no one gave me the right answers. It would be a long time before I learned "why" that happened.

People simply do not understand PTSD and how crippling and powerful it can be. I sure didn't understand it. For a while I blamed myself for not recognizing what that dog was doing. I walking into the middle of it one night, but I didn't see the loop it was making directly challenging all my horses and ponies, I just thought it was running around. I blamed myself so much that I had some very dangerous thoughts.
I could not understand why I didn't recognize how dangerous it was. I had always been very fussy about the safey and welfare of my horses and ponies, more than the average horse person. What I finally realized is that I have never seen a dog do that in my life, anywhere, so it just didn't click in my brain. And I did not know my neighbor's electric containment system was malfunctioning and they knew it but just didn't care to fix it and figured that I wouldn't notice their dog running onto my property late at night, I was usually in bed asleep that late.

I went over it again and again in my mind, what didn't I notice, I should have done more than yell, honk my horn, I should have.....went over and over in my mind. And this is what begins to lead to PTSD, they call it bargaining and guilt. And unfortunately I have also been stuck in a lawsuit which prolonged the anger and guilt and loss and having to remember all the details. So that made the PTSD really bad.

A very tramatic event that you are discussing is not something someone ever "just forgets" about. I know that your mother has not truely forgotten about it either, but in her way, it is just too painful to talk about and I am sure she thinks about the signs she missed, that is very common with all trajedies. Sometimes the only way someone can deal with that kind of loss is "not discuss it and pretend it never happened". And often with a loss like that a parent can distance from the other children because it is hard to "love" or "connect" again after suffering a loss like that. It doesn't mean she doesn't "love you" either. It is normal for a person to avoid something where they were hurt badly or experienced severe trama. It is how we are designed, if we are injured by something, avoid it so we don't get hurt again.

For example, if we get bitten by a snake and it is poisenous and we get very ill but recover, it is normal to fear and want to avoid all snakes. It is just how we learn how to survive. But we can also learn that not all snakes are bad or dangerous with time. We always remember everything we personally experience. What takes time is finally being able to "accept it" in a way that we remember it, but also find our way of continuing on inspite of the bad experience. It is normal that some need to talk about it more and get comfort for a while so that can finally happen.

(((Gently caring hugs)))

[avlady]

Thank you again for the wise words, i do see myself in them. Just writing here about it is like a load off my shoulders, i always kept it to myself, but i do think i should go on and live my life healthy, your words are so enlightning, i see it in a whole different way now. thank you so much you don't even know how much you have helped me!!!i think i am getting better at just accepting it, i guess that's what i have to do to stay mentally healthy, thank you again-avlady

[Open Eyes]

Your always keeping it to yourself wasn't good for you, I think you have just come to a point where you need to talk, let it out and get the comforting you needed then and now. After all avlady, you are human, and human beings "have feelings", we need to be able to express our feelings. Losing any family member leaves a space, or void and it is very normal to always feel that. Human beings have exercised many different ways of mourning and remembering lost ones. Some families start up some kind of scholarship in the name of their lost ones, they try to find something "positive" to come from the loss. Some people go and speak different places to have some "awareness" take place so other people might learn some things. This is exactly what we are designed to do, use whatever we experience as something that we can share with others so they can learn, it is a big part of our existencialism.

So, don't feel like you "have to" hold it all in, because we are not really designed to do that.

(((Hugs)))

[avlady]

Thanks!!!!!!

[suzzie]

hope you had a good session hellion.

[Open Eyes]

How are you sessions going Suzzie? Are you doing better?

[suzzie]

thank you open eyes
i posted about my session yesterday. in the poohbah forum.

[archipelago]

PTSD has a lot to do with not only the content of my session, but also the way that I interact. And certainly my reactions after session. When I talk very directly about something triggering, I'm often concerned with "protecting" my therapist, which is of course part of the problem. And this ends up produces "after effects" because the material continues to have an effect after the session is over, sometime more so. So I have made follow-up calls, which luckily my therapist allows, though I would prefer that it didn't happen. Trying to raise the issues earlier in session has helped so that we have more time to process things.

But my therapist, who is also an MD and an analyst, thinks that a certain amount of "regression" is necessary to be able to reconnect the feelings to the events. This means something like a "falling apart" in order to come back together. That process is difficult if you have to maintain a high level of functionality and don't have a lot of sessions where you can let this happen.

Sometimes, when I've been aware of the fact that I didn't have the luxury of allowing myself to go through that process, I have purposefully stayed away from bringing things up in session. I don't think that is necessarily a good or a bad thing; it's just self-protective and realistic.