[Alishia88]

Well, I´m really confused.

I think after my traumatic experience, or a weeks later, I started to act just as before as if nothing had happened.
Of course, I didn´t have the spirit anymore, I think I did not have motivation or WANT to continue to thrive and learn and study etc.

But I ACTED exactly the same as I had before, when I was truely motivated from the INSIDE.

Only now, I was not. So I think I motivated me from the "outside"
telling me: you must do this now. Now this.

I had a busy schedule before, which i really loved to have.

But then I just HAD to have it and continue it because.... well I just wanted to go things back to how they used it.
I think I didn´t notice how I actually didn´t want this anymore.

A Psycholigist in a clinic asked me once about it: What DO you really want? And I said: nothing. It was honest. I couldn´t think of anything I felt from within I really wanted to do.
I could feel that I wanted to want to do all the things I used to love to do.
But I didn´t. And just doing them anyway didn´t solve it either.

Is this just some sort of depression? When you don´t want anything anymore? I never thought of myself as depressed because I was still so eagerily trying to make myself better and to go on and on and on.

Only now I´m coming to honestly asking the question: What do I really really want? And I´m scared to be honest because I´m not sure I want much anymore. I used to be able to motivate myself so well.
But now, I´m afraid, if I´m being really really honest, I can´t. Not from the inside. I can make myself do things but I can´t make myself WANT things anymore. This is really scary because this might mean that I´ll stop thriving. And I don´t want to stop.
I love thriving and learning and getting forward.
Or maybe I feel that I have to?

Sorry for the long post.

Can anyone help?

[Open Eyes]

((Alisha88)),

Sigh...I have to admit that I struggle with that myself. I don't know what I want anymore either and I don't have that old me drive like I used to have. I think it is the PTSD that does that. I get very frustrated with it because I should be appreciating things more and yet I often feel distant inside.

I am not sure you can go by me though because what I was "passionate" about was so destroyed and I have been kept in a lawsuit for so many years now, I am very tired. For me this long process has kept me in the trama, never getting a chance to just let it go because I have to keep all the details alive in my brain. And the lawyer I have been working with has been a terrible match for me and I am stuck with him.

There is depression that comes with PTSD. I have not taken any antidepressants because I can't get past the side effects. I don't know if antidepressants even work, there is so much controversy about them, Ugh.
With therapy, I am much better than I was, but I do still struggle. I just keep at it. My T says it would really help if this lawsuit would be over so I can finally just move on.

[Alishia88]

Wow, Openeyes that does seemy really strengous.

It´s easy to give yourself a little push when you generally feel like you want something, but you "don´t feel like starting" today.

It´s a whole another problem if you don´t "want" anymore...

I hope this gets better for you when the law suit is over.
Also, I don´t know, but maybe you can find something else you´re remotely as much passionate about...

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((Alisha88)),

Sigh...I have to admit that I struggle with that myself. I don't know what I want anymore either and I don't have that old me drive like I used to have. I think it is the PTSD that does that. I get very frustrated with it because I should be appreciating things more and yet I often feel distant inside.

I am not sure you can go by me though because what I was "passionate" about was so destroyed and I have been kept in a lawsuit for so many years now, I am very tired. For me this long process has kept me in the trama, never getting a chance to just let it go because I have to keep all the details alive in my brain. And the lawyer I have been working with has been a terrible match for me and I am stuck with him.

There is depression that comes with PTSD. I have not taken any antidepressants because I can't get past the side effects. I don't know if antidepressants even work, there is so much controversy about them, Ugh.
With therapy, I am much better than I was, but I do still struggle. I just keep at it. My T says it would really help if this lawsuit would be over so I can finally just move on.

[beauflow]

"nothing" and "not sure"/"I don't know what I want" are two different things to me.

When I want nothing, it is usually due to empty feelings with in, less or no hopefulness, disrepair.... more depression signs I suppose?

When I feel "not sure/I don't know" that I am not sure what exactly but I have that issue a lot. For me I think it does stem back to my childhood, I was always in some form "told" what to do, "controlled by another" (parent) in away, and it was evident my decisions whatever they were, were in some form "wrong" by them if it was not 'their idea'. I had this with years with my brother as well when i got older which effected me i know....

Also, Some times I wonder if it is more of "not knowing myself that well", I am not sure "who i am" sort of thing, or "who i want to be" so then I am not "sure what i want"..... if that makes any sense...... course I can always ask, i have never known really who i was, and trying to figure out who i am now....

I think figuring out more about selves helps with this.... for instants, I know I like cats around, they have always been good friends for me... so even though I had trouble after Beau ran away.... I still took another chance with my heart with Mr.Boots.. and ya know- i don't think that is a decision that I will regret.

And also having things, that are less triggering around- like Open Eyes, you having to deal with the lawsuit, being reminded all the time of your lose with your ponies, damage in your business, the hurt in your heart and daughter's with your animals , I agree with your T and you-- I hope this passes as quickly as it can as you have been fighting the battle of just that for years.

Alishia one thing that I have to remind myself is that the person that i used to be at one point (for me it is usually, at 17 i was much different with confidence that was more 'natural'....)... that 17 beauflow will never be obtained again... I do have to move forth, I guess some what accept that 17 year old was torn apart at one time by someone emotionally that scared me... and to believe that there is a newer beauflow today, that has other strengths, and a 'new type of confidence' and continues to grow..

not sure if any of that helps...

I have noticed that art is an off and on thing, i do note it is not the same as when I was 17 but it is better than a lot of things today than other things... I also throw into the mix new things to try, like bead making...

's

I hope everyone finds what they need to get that spark within again

[Perna]

I think motivation and wanting can be tricky and will go away and resurface somewhere else later, depending on stages in our lives and stresses/circumstances. When we have a major change, a traumatic (or even "good" like a graduation from school, a marriage, a baby, anything that changes you) experience, I think we are nudged into a different spot, we have to incorporate that change into our lives and then move on based on that change.

Think about it, if you have a baby, it is no good deciding you are going to go back to being like you were, doing what you enjoy, going out and partying every night? It doesn't fit your new situation.

If you are in a car or other accident and are paralyzed, you can't decide you are going to continue being on the school track team, win a scholarship to college in sports?

A traumatic experience gives us new, often difficult/negative information about our lives. We are less "innocent" than we were; we no longer think we can do everything or that bad things happen to other people but not us, etc. Our whole way of being is turned on its head.

I can see how it might have been comforting to keep just doing what you had been doing, hoping things would go back to "normal" but your normal has moved down the block four houses and you have to go there and look out that house's front windows and see what's what from there now. It looks strange and maybe even "bad" (a parents' divorce and having to live with a single mother who doesn't make as much money as both parents did when they were together; change of school, living situation, neighborhood, loss of friends, etc.) but realizing that circumstances are not particularly good or bad but what we make of them can help.

Not wanting anything is safe if what you had/wanted has been taken away; think about it, that makes sense, you don't want to want or it too could be taken away again.

When I was lost, I started very small. What would you like right this second. When I was alone and lonely, at the zoo, I asked myself that question and the answer was, "an ice cream cone" Start small and build again. Daydream and pay attention; read or watch TV/movies and pay attention to how those things make you feel. Tease out what you might like, both tiny things and bigger things. Experiment with no pressure on yourself (want to lose weight? maybe don't eat any ______ for one week and see if that helps; weigh yourself now and in one week) just to have fun.

If being busy isn't fun/helpful, drop some things. You can pick them up later if you decide you'd like to then. If things seem chaotic or empty, either one, simplify or add things one-by-one, deliberately, by your own choice. Pretend you are an empty house and furnish yourself or you are expecting a tornado/hurricane/tsunami and build a shelter/unsinkable boat to your specifications to prepare and see how it helps or doesn't, what needs tweaking, etc.

[happiedasiy]

After a signifigant trauma, you are in shock for some time. As that shock wears off, you begin to question things including yourself. You need time to heal.

There are a lot of us here, learning to heal while living our lives. You can continue with your routine but take the time to embrace what has happened. You cant bury it because it will become part of who you are.

Maybe making a list of things you don't want would be easier then trying to figure out
what you do want.
And may give you some insight to future plans.
I hope this helps!
H.