[Evangelista]

Hi,

I was suppose to be admitted to an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program, my PTSD symptoms were becoming unmanageable and thought the added structure would help, plus they could have provided medication monitoring for the sleep deprivation my T says I have, but the Insurance fell thru..the facility offering the program made a mistake..the facility's intake specialist when I arrived was very cold and I felt humiliated as she tried to cover up their screw up with platitudes of how overworked their screeners are...no apololgy just excuses to cover their butts..left me feeling hopeless and numb..I have been trying so hard to get thru this without seeking institutional help..most are overcroweded mental health assembly lines treating ppl like objects..which is exactly how I felt leaving..

well..I have a group I attend once weekly, but I was feeling very out of sorts after the fiasco at the facility..I did not feel like attending very hurt inside..but I had to return a device back to the Group Therapist..she had loaned it to me to show my Therapist..she needed it back this week to help another patient and I was suppose to return it that afternoon..I felt so bad going there..knew I was reactive did not want to stay..just wanted to return the device and leave..tried to..gave it to the Therapist..told her that I couldnt stay for group..tried to slip out only one other member had arrived since it was early..just was not in a good place to be attending that afternoon..well she saw I was upset and encourgaed me to stay..I kept telling her please no..I was fine..I just needed to go back home..didnt want to be around ppl..and it was alright..but she was really concerned...told me she preferred me not to leave at least for a few minutes..well then other started to arrive..picked up on the issue..suddenly..they were trying so hard to get me to stay and talk it thru..I understand what they were trying to do..understood they are such wonderful and supportive survivors..but I know me..I could not work this thru around ppl..this was somthing I had to work thru myself..but they were trying so hard..then something just snapped..I felt this huge pressure that I could not express..the deep need to runaway, escape, but unable to..I felt such huge conflict....it overwhelmed me completely..I started to rock..and when I tried to talk I had suddenly developed a stutter and a Tic, my head jerks to one side, my eyes act all weird..my shoulder scrunch..The group Therpaist asked me to put an Emergency call into to my T..they talked, she was so concerned..at last she allowed me to go without to much more conference other than being supportive and concerned..as they all expressed..but I knew this state was reactive..no amount of talikng would help it..I needed to self regulate..I just needed to go..I kept telling them..but they are so kind..anyway..I saw my T yesterday..I could not go into work..I was still having episodes of tics and stuttering..when he saw me..he told me I am having an acute stress reaction..

I have never stuttered or had tics..this has been going on since Thursday...and it exacerbates when I start to feel pressure...has anyone gone thur this?..if so, how long does it last..I need to go to work on Monday..what am I suppose to tell them??..what a mess..I think I can work ok..just have to watch the interactions, and I am so embarrased by this, makes me not want to talk..but then there is the jerking..I am scared..sorry about the length of the post..

[(JD)]

((((safe hug)))) Eva, yes... it still happens to me when I allow myself to become over stressed. Of course, sometimes, like with your situation, there's no way to prevent the situation and because of our PTSD, it can be totally out of our control...

.... I still stammer when overwhelmed. I can do ok when discussing a topic in general... books, pets.. children... but during the time I'm overstressed.. not only might I stammer, speak haltingly, on those topics, but anything that includes me, my feelings, my thoughts... IT ALL STOPS... thoughts stop... the words I try to form.. just won't "get made"... and if I allow myself to become frustrated, it becomes worse! I feel like a bloomin' idiot!!!!

The best thing is to realize when you are becoming overwhelmed... and then absolutely put your foot down and stand up for yourself and the need for space and peace. (I understand where you were at on this, though. I, too, have been geared up to go into a safe place, needing it desperately, and had it pulled away. I become quite suicidal at those times..as I have no control over my thoughts and feelings then. )

Then... if you do become overwhelmed... it helps to not beat yourself up over it... remind yourself THIS IS THE PTSD!!!! THIS IS THE NATURE OF THE BEAST!!! It's not "me" it's not the way I would do it if I could... and try to go with the flow...

the more destressed you can become, the less you will stutter.. actually, it's a great indicator for you.. when you have missed all the others that say SLOW DOWN I'M STRESSED... go to the movies, go to the library and hide... or to the beach alone...or whatever... shut off all phones, don't return calls, don't pay bills, DON'T do anything that is stress.

You've reached your max. You can't do more. Stop... and give yourself a break. IT isn't you... it's the PTSD.

[Evangelista]

Oh..(((SKY))).. Thank you..I thought I had finally blown what little I have left of my brain's ability to cope with all of this..I had never heard of this kind of reactuion..I usually dissociate..but this..makes me feel so bad..because everyone one can see it and with the other reactions I can mask or isolate..usually..but..thank you...your post brought me great comfort..tears of thanx and relief..

sent you a pm. Please see your physician to rule out medical problems. The fact that you say you have never had tics, stuttering and so on says this could and may very well be medical.

Life is stressful from the moment a person is born and the person learns many habits and so on to take care of that, and those things are used through out the persons whole life.

stress is something the person encounters from the day they are born like being cold, too hot, not getting fed right away and so on up into childhood of getting yelled at, meeting new people, school expectations and so on, on into adult hood of job hunting, college, meetings with work or college, and so on. basically life is one huge stress upon another making people grow and become stronger - and their nervious habits automatically follow with - twirling hair, sucking thumb, chewing fingernails, picking at different parts of the body or sores, stuttering, and so on. But all these would be evident throughout the persons whole life. Not just suddenly come on like a cold or the flu.

symptoms of

Headaches -migraines
tics
Stuttering
dizzyness

can mean lots of different things both medical and mental. go to your physician and do all the physical tests so you can rule out -

ear infections
stroke
anneurisms
tumors - benign and or malignant (cancer) related
epileptic seizures
encephalitis
nerve degeneration
parkensons
muscular dystrophy
pinched nerves
Terrettes syndorme

And those are my thinking about the tics only not with the other symptoms too.

Basically by ruling out things the therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and medical doctor can find out exactly what type of problem it is be it mental or physical.

I know how easy it is to chalk everything up to being mental. I did that when I started having stomack problems - oh its just nerves, every time I get upset or nervious my stomach hurts, just calm myself down and so on... Luckily my therapist at that time would not let me fall into chalking it up to my mental problems forced me to see my physician.. blood tests came up abnormal,, he requested I go through an endocopy to diagnose an ulcer and treatment for it and the endocopy revieled I had Mucossis Associated Lymphocytic Tissue Lymphoma - a cancer like leukemia that travels the body by way of the lymph nodes. and it had found a home in my stomach lining.

Please don't just assume its mental. if you have never had this happen before at any point in your life then the odds are very high that it can and may be physical.

[Evangelista]

Thank you Myself for the support...your personal experience does cause me to reflect..My therapist does want me to follow up with a Psychatrist ..yuck...but I think I will give my Neurologist a call on Monday too..double yuck..yuck all around...dont want or need anymore yuck...

[(JD)]

((((hugs))) yes, this post is in PTSD forum...not "life" in general....and it's quite common for those with PTSD to have such thought/speech problems.

If your psychiatrist is the one prescribing your meds and changed it recently, then yeah, let him/her know... as a precaution I think

TC!

[Evangelista]

Thanx Sky..My T wants me to follow up with a Psychiatrist maybe to help get some sleep meds...because at this point I dont see one and havent for awhile..but I am leaning toward PTSD exacerbation since my T told me this is an acute stress reaction.my Neurologist states after multiple tests my Migraines are psychosomatic..With the therapists telling me this is psychogenic..I do get stroke like symptoms with my Migraines..weakness on one side, slurred speech, loss of eye site, but after much testing and follow thru he stated it is due to a psychiatric disorder..when I am under stress my thoughts get truncated, sort of what you described in your post...but the tics and stuttering is something totally new....and are now occuring when I am even slightly stressed or upset..when I talk about the weather, or try and not focus on anything relating to the way I feel or myself..it settles down..I think its a waste of time to talk to my Neurologist..but I will side with caution..just dont need another "its all in your head" talk from a medical professional who could care less about the way your feeling...if they cant remove it, cure it, or drug it out of existence..in a 15-20 mintue appt...sorry...I know there are good docs out there..but I have been physically and emotionally abused by medical professionals, I have been hit by them, humilated by them, emotionally abused by them....this added group of symptoms..sets off a whole set of reactions I do not want to deal with right now relating to diagnostic follow thru..its all very upsetting..and one of the reasons I try and stay away from being a patient..I am tired of being treated like an it...

Between these new group of symptoms, and the visual hallucinations which started last year..I feel like giving up..

[(JD)]

your migraines are psychosomatic??? O K.... I won't tell you what I think of neuro's in general but I think they are psychiatrists that couldn't make it???( or is it the other way around rotfl)

Stick with your T... the term is correct as we as humans are psycho/somatic but the neuro is supposed to find the cause of them!!

[(JD)]

plus, you might be having opthalmolgic migraines (eye)... I had to have a neuroopthamologist figure out some of mine (since they all didn't fit the platform) I don't mess with psychiatrists... the MD writes the scripts and the T monitors me and T and I work through the questions

[Evangelista]

The last Psychiatrist I saw..the initial eval was very one sided..he told me I presented with complex traumatic stress issues..wanted me to stop working, and prescribed huge doses of neuroleptics..when he asked why I was changing from my previous Pscyh Dr..I told him about the "self disclosure" of one of his patient's being a serial killer whose only reason to kill was his OCD, and then went into great detail describing the office visit that produced a violent outcome..which set off an abreaction due to my past trauma issues..all this new Dr was concerned about was if the dr "at least changed the patient's name"..for crap sakes..you wonder why I have a hard time with these folks..I dont care if the dr had called the other patient "Mickey Mouse"..a name is not what set off the abreaction and my terminating that relationship..I never went back to him after the initial eval...so I am not relishing the idea of going to another one..my MD wont prescribe even sleep aides to me because of the psychiatric diagnoses..I know there are decent Psychiatrists out there..but the only thing Managed Care has managed to do..is to make them hard to find..most wont even file insurance anymore..one of the reasons I foot the bill for my own therapy..a hefty price to pay..and its hard some times financially..but this is my life I am fighting for..not just my mind..if I have to work two jobs to do it..then so be it..I dont sleep anyway myswell work..but I am not looking forward to going back trying to find another Psychiatrist..

[(JD)]

I hear ya ((((hugs))))

[hillbunnyb]

))))))))) evangalista(((((((, hi, i agree with sky. hang in there. breath. i don't think we can 'completely' pull out the triggers, but, we can 1) learn to not set ourselves up, and 2) train ourselves in techniques to recover more quicky when we do get triggered.......

[January]

(((((((((((( Evangelista ))))))))))))))

I want you to know that when I'm triggered I stutter, too or can't say anything at all. I'm like Sky, my mind just stops. Also, when I was a child, my eyes would roll. It started again a little bit since the incident in January, but it used to happen a lot.

Can you find a new neurologist? Yours sounds plain rude and you don't need that. Stress is a common cause of migranes! Gee, even I know that.

I wish you could find a good pdoc. Mine is so wonderful and I always wish my friends here could go to her. There are good ones out there and if you're private pay, I can't imagine anyone turning you down. Can you find a female pdoc? Sometimes it's easier for us who've been abused.

If I can ever help you in any way, please don't hesitate to send me a pm.

I'm for you.

Hugs,

Jan

[Evangelista]

Thank you Hill Bunny and Jan...The stuttering has let up a great deal, and the tics are less frequent. The calmer I become the less reactive the symptoms are becoming, so I guess thats a key and then understanding the trigger that set everything in motion, it is strange but the more I tried to fight the emotions around the event the worse the stuttering and tics became..I guess a valve gets stuck open somewhere.

Breathing helped, soothing imagry, and gentle guidance did allot this weekend..thanks everyone..

I guess I have to call a couple of psychiatrists in the morning and find some help with sleep meds, and the Neurologist..but I am doing much better with the symptoms, just a little anxious about not setting them off now..because there not easy to contain...

[Evangelista]

It wont stop occurring.and now I am starting to dread it..which only makes it worse..the more anxious I become the worse it gets..

Yesterday the Trauma Therapist I am working with spent alot of time observing them..and a new symptom appeared..a slight cough???..after he was able to calm me down with visualization techniques...we spent the rest of the session talking ...and not a thing..about every 15 min he reassured me..pointing out that everything was calming down..but I have something very intense surfacing..and I am fighting this so much..I do not want to loose control..I have been there years ago..it caused me great humilation and pain....I see my regular T tomorrow..and now I have this deep pit in my gut..what if it starts again..I know this is part of the processing..but I feel so out of control..and scared..

I am safe with my T..I know that..but I am almost in tears tonight with fear about being there..becuase I am loosing control of my body...

I keep getting images of being drugged and in restraints..and OMG I never ever ever want to go thru that again...the so called professionals left me abandoned and in a busy hospital lobby..I sat there for over 5 hrs, sitting in a waiting room chair drugged in restraints under a blanket because when I arrived the lobby was empty and they needed the gurney..but i sat watching other patients, families mostly, waiting for their outpatient Dr appts...then someone called my name over a loud speaker..to report to the admitting desk..they kept repeating it over, and over..I finally could not stand it..I thru off my blanket..and the kids which had been playing and watching TV..suddenly stopped..ran to their parents..the people.. everyone was staring at me..I was crying..as I hobbled thru the crowded lobby..my arms tethered to my sides, my feet tethered together, of course they sat me about as far away from the admitting desk one could get..but when the admit desk saw me comming they were horrified...someone immediatley got me a wheel chair..the psych techs came down from the ward..there had been a goof up..a shift change..by that time I was mute..they put me in a bed and a psychiatrist came in...he was sp apologetic..but by that time I was traumatized beyond comprehension..I did not want to look at anyone, talk to anyone..I just wanted everyone to leave me alone...I have never gotten over that..and it is the primary reason I would rather die that go into a psych hospital as an Inpatient..I was treated less than an animal..it hurt me allot..it hurts allot still..I never want to be out of control ever ever ever again...it hinders therapy because part of the processing is allowing yourself to feel and just feel free to express..and to me that is like one of the worst things to do..because I am afraid of breaking again..where I try and runaway from the flashbacks..and then they would try to admit me..NO!...my system can do whatever the H*ll it wants to..but I will not..ever go thru that humilation again!!!!!!!!!! I am not a monster..I am not a criminal...I am just hurt...no one should have to endure what I did..no one..not by people that are suppose to be there to help you during your most vulnerable time..I will never forget the looks of fear on those kids face as I lumbered by..ashamed..humilated..broken...

((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there right now IRL to give you some comfort.

You are right. NO ONE should have to endure so much and in such a manner.

Please know that I care and I'm here if you need me for anything.

[Evangelista]

Thank you Petunia..I am just so scared...thank you though..I could use the hugs..hugs back..

I am just so scared

I understand. I really do.

[OneAndMany]

((((((((((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))))))))))

Hugs, and hugs again. I honestly don't know what to say or not to say--what a horrible experience to have been through. I wish that I could help somehow. I do understand having been out of control and being really scared of having it happen again (it happened with an alter when I was 13 and again at 19). From what I know of you after being here since June is that you are a really strong person who has managed to come through everything. You seem to have a good team working with you now. Perhaps you could make a plan with your T just in case you start to feel like you are loosing control and the plan would be something that would create a safety net to completely avoid repeating the humiltation and pain. IDK just throwing out an idea.



Elizabeth

[Evangelista]

Thank you Petunia & One and Many..

This thread is helping me to realize how much of a conflict I have going on right now...its like my Therapist told me I have the brake smashed down and the gas pedal too..my body is running the show and my mind isnt.

Phooey...my Therapy team is counting on my analytical nature to assist me as this evolves..but for heaven's sake..whoa..

I can see where the IOP event kinda started the ball rolling with this..my personal history..does not bode well for acute interventions..the one thing that they do is try to calm and contain..and with me..they just need to allow me to isolate..and work it thru and not approach otherwise I lash out .. not at them but whatever it is that I am perceiving..ppl kinda loose there place when this happens..I dont recognize help I just feel threatened and hurt..and they become threatening objects..

I have created quite a conflict with this struggle..but I am learning from it..which hopefully will help down the road..my poor therapy team..there going to need therapists by the time this is over..I am thankful for them..and the support here...I know this kinda sounds kookey..but its like being a sane crazy person..and currently just leaning toward the latter part of that statement..

Thanks for letting me vent..just a little off..but it will be ok..

[jennie]

Evangelista . . . I have PTSD and studder at times. It gets worse the harder I try to speak up for myself and be assertive when I believe that what I feel and say doesn't matter to others.

I have a few tics. The tics become worse the more anxious I become.

I had a drug-induced parkinsonism, tardive dyskinesia, and akathisia due to the side-effects of the antidepressants and antipsychotics I was taking for PTSD. The side-effects were embarrasing and royally sucked @ss . . . excuse my language. I'm off those meds and plan never to take any med with a known risk of acquiring tardive dyskinesia.

If you are taking any meds, please ask your doc if your meds may be causing the tics or studdering. If your meds are, then please ask for alternative treatments as tardive dyskinesia is not always treatable, and may become a chronic life-long disorder.

((((((huggs)))))))

[Evangelista]

Thank you Jennie,

I am so sorry you have had to deal with these issues too. I hope they have improved since you went off the meds. With other telling me this happens when they are dealing with PTSD exacerbation, I am 99.9 percent sure this is whats probably occurring...The tics are really quite violent at times with jerking to one side..not a very subtle way for your body to tell you to pay attention..but I am starting to get the point..the embarrassment factor is way up there for sure...

I have an appt with a New Psychiatrist next week, and my Neurologist comes back in town next week too..and his office stated he probably would want to talk to me..but in the scheme of things I dont think there is much he can do.

Thank you for posting Jennie about the drug reaction, I was on Haldol and Trilifon for awhile, and I do recall them warning me about T.D..

Take care..and thank you for the hugs..

[Numbers]

Hi

I know this is a late reply but, I just want to say that I know that feeling only too well and I was so relieved to see your message so felt I had to reply. I've found that something that works for me is to just do what you want, RUN! I don't know at all if it's the right thing to do but when I feel trapped like that I run until I can't run anymore and just colapse, and then I can rest and find peace.

I hope you found a right solution already.

[Evangelista]

Thank you for the reply, and I am sorry you battle with similar issues. I have seen a Neurologist, and my regular Physician, and both defer to the diagnosis of this being an exacerbation of a Traumatic response. My physician referred me for Physical therapy because my neck is starting to get so knotted from the jerking, plus a muscle relaxor. The Neurologist was very polite and sympathetic at one point I kept trying to apologize for the disruptive speech and movements, because I felt so embarrassed, I couldn’t get them to stop, and the more I tried the worse it got. Finally he just took my hand and told me it’s alright, and there was nothing to apologize for, and made sure I was receiving Psychiatric treatment.

The Trauma Therapist worked on helping me to monitor myself with imagery and deep breathing, but explained, that my nervous system is firing off in multiple areas at once…kind of like a popcorn kettle full of uncooked popcorn. It has calmed down some, but it will set off again, when under duress, like trying to talk about the trauma, or I feel really pressured. I am sure it will work its way out at some point, I sure hope that this wont keep reoccurring, although the body is getting pretty creative at getting the minds attention of late…

I am so sorry you have to run away to find peace, but so can relate for the need to do it, and I hope that you take care when this happens to you, because I know at least, with my episodes I loose track of what is going on in the environment.

[Perna]

Here's a good article on stuttering and its treatment:

http://neurology.health-cares.net/st...-treatment.php