[FaithisAlive]

I read a letter a friends abuser gave her and it caused me to have a memory.. letters... going with the memory.. I was very little.. I didn't want to do it.. i am crying.. daddy leaves the room. he's mad.... where is everyone? he comes back with letters... 2.. yellow long pages...scared...cold...

he makes me read them to him.. i am little.. reading is new... buig words.. his wrting hard to read... not used to handwriting like this... must be small..begging him no to make me read them...dont'know why..

one to my brothers.. he tells them he had to kill himself because I was too selfish to let him be the kind of father he wanted to be..he tells them to ask me why they have to grow up without a father.... he is sorry .. all he wanted is to show me how much he loved me...

The letter to mommy.. he tells her to thank me for having to take care of 4 children all alone... that I caused him so much pain he couldn't bear to live.. he was a failure because I wouldn't let him be a good father to me... i was his princess and he wasnted to teach me what I needed to know...forgive him he said to her..

there is more. can't remember all of it... painful.. so confused then.. really little.. maybe 6.. maybe 7... sitting there naked.. small... sad... scared. ashamed for causing him pain.. why am i so bad?

why do i hate this so much if i am supposed to know it one day....why does it feel so bad .. i want him to be happy. .to love me. but it hurts... feels awful...gone.. make it stop.. not thinking... can't feel.. now in the shower

when 2 people are finished making love they take a shower...together he said so.. didn't want to.... have to wash him... can't look.. ugly... thing.... can't see.. enough.. must stop here.... sorry.. only memories.. thats all.. breathing... . no editing... forgive me...

Hang in there FaithisAlive. I couldnt read all of it but skimming I got the juist of it and you are not alone I too have a fleeting memory or two about a family member in a suicidal state of mind. Its never easy. On the one side we want out of that situation and on the other wanting to protect that person so do what we must to keep them from acting out their suicidal statements and yet hating ourselves for not doing anything but going along with what that suicidal person wanted and being angry at ourself, the situation and that suicidal person. I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone w ith this type of memory.Hang in there.

[OneAndMany]

((((((((((((((((((((Faith))))))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say... It is wrong that any child should ever experience abuse. I am so sorry this happened to you.

I am here for you.



Elizabeth

[FaithisAlive]

He was never truly suicidal.. he controlled me with his threats... the others never knew he was like that.. never knew that he wrote the letters.. it was for me he wrote them.. to make me do what he wanted.... so he could molest me and I would let him....thats all...

I'm sorry it came out so graphic like that.. I didn't think...I just let it flow as it would.. thanks for being here.

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FaithisAlive said:
He was never truly suicidal.. he controlled me with his threats... the others never knew he was like that.. never knew that he wrote the letters.. it was for me he wrote them.. to make me do what he wanted.... so he could molest me and I would let him....thats all...

I'm sorry it came out so graphic like that.. I didn't think...I just let it flow as it would.. thanks for being here.

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sometimes the best way is like you put it.

theres a great poem in the courage to heal book that i will post if i get a chance about telling however you feel best.

I was controlled with threats of breaking up my family. My mother has always been suicidal. And, I too was abused by my paternal.(cant say the f word sometimes

[FaithisAlive]

I understand Rainbowzz... maybe donor is the best word to use for now...