[JustAPixie]

I don't know if this is the right forum... but here goes.

The past couple of nights I have had the most vivid nightmares about my abuse. The strange thing is that I dreamt of a room I have never seen before in the most intricate detail... I drew a picture of it to remember it. All the dreams happen in this room. My abuser is one I know, but I what happens in the dream did not happen in life. It has nothing to do with my abuse, and I did not forget my abuse and remembered it later. It's not that my mind blocked it out or anything.

What bothers me is that I dream in so much detail... the things that happen etc. It is awful things and I wake up throwing up or having a panick attack.

Why am I having these dreams that did not even happen in so much detail? I can remember the smell and taste of everything, the feeling etc. It really bothers me!

[JustAPixie]

Before I say more, I just want to say that I am NOT about to commit suicide.

At times these visions take me over completely and gets to much and I have no escape. Is there something as emotional suicide? I haven't been able to cry for a long time... I am so confused. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out. Not even in my sleep can I find some peace. The higher the high, the lower the low... How can I make this feeling stop?

[JustAPixie]

Post deleted by TanyaGrave

[JustAPixie]

Post deleted by TanyaGrave

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((TanyaGrave)))))))))))))) I am sorry I have no answers for you but I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do care and wish I could be of more help.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((( tanya )))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. I do know how hard it can be.

As far as the lack of replies, please remember that you posted (for u.s.) on a Sunday afternoon/evening and alot of times it takes a bit to get responses. It's not yet been three hours. I do know how important response can be when upset.

There are certain days of the week as well as certain times of the day where there's not as many online, people are multi-tasking, etc. Hang in there, hon.

We care...

KD

[OneAndMany]

(((((((((((((((((Tanya))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry I wasn't in here earlier when you really needed someone. We do care.

If I were you, I'd ask your new T if a person can block out one part of abuse. Maybe you dissociated? And now you are able to remember? If that isn't it, I really don't know enough to guess what is going on.

As for the emotional suicide, I haven't heard about that. I do know what it is like to be numb emotionally (completely), but I attribute that to my subconscious knowing that I couldn't handle the amount and intensity of the emotion if I were able to feel it. A kind of self-protective mechanism.

I'm really sorry that you are going through these things.



Elizabeth

[JustAPixie]

I know... I was being mean and I should have been patient. Can you maybe delete the two last posts? I'm sorry... sometimes you just wanna blame someone... anyone!

[JustAPixie]

I still have time to delete them.

Thank you all for replying.

Tanya,

Sorry I wasn't around earlier or I would've responded.

I don't know if this site will help, but it might ease your mind a bit.

Nightmares

you're not alone Tanya. I too have nightmares where when I wake up I am in panic. hang in there.

[(JD)]

The brain uses dreamtime to process thoughts and memories..and attempt to file them properly. Dreams also give us insight to things that are bothering us, and to solutions we seek. I'm sorry that you are experiencing troubling dreams...and think that your attempts to work through is on the right track. Be easy on yourself, things will work themselves out... ((hugs))

[JustAPixie]

Thank you bp, kimmy, oneandmany and petunia. I feel really bad about being so hasty...

What is so strange to me is that my dreams have to do with another form of abuse, nothing that I had experienced... It's just that I feel violated on such a different level... it's like my abuser got into my mind and is tormenting me there. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure it's not real...

Thanks for the link petunia, I'll go check it out.

Oh, and thanks for being so gentle and understanding kimmy....

[(JD)]

Please also keep in mind that our memories are not always totally accurate Neither are our dreams. Symbolism is the theme usually for the dreamstate.

What is important is the relevance that you find..and what you can take from the memories and the dreams. Our brains are more clever than we realize at times I hope you find you can marvel at how you are working to heal yourself. (((hugs)))

[JustAPixie]

Thanks sky!

[Numbers]

I've had nightmares different from what I realy experienced too, always in the same scenery, where I'm sure I've never been, but it seems very real and terrible things happen always related to what I experienced but not at all the same.
For me they come for a while and then they leave a bit so possibly it will go away again for you too.

[wisewoman]

Tanya, dreams and memories can be so far off from reality but what I have learned is that there is a truth in each. If I remember so and so, the neighbor and..... Doesn't mean it's true, I don't think it is, I think it was my brain's way of opening the channels to remember and deal with crap. I never forgot and then remembered either. Oh, I know too well the pain. Write and talk as much as you can. Keep pulling alone.

[wisewoman]

Tanya, dreams and memories can be so far off from reality but what I have learned is that there is a truth in each. If I remember so and so, the neighbor and..... Doesn't mean it's true, I don't think it is, I think it was my brain's way of opening the channels to remember and deal with crap. I never forgot and then remembered either. Oh, I know too well the pain. Write and talk as much as you can. Keep pulling along..

[JustAPixie]

My dreams are upsetting me more than my reality! I want to write a little about it..so don't read if you think you might be triggered

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I dream I'm in this dark basement room and one of my abusers is also there lying on an old couch. He keeps telling me to do stuf... starting with to take my clothes of and then to pose infront a camera that is in the corner (apparently working itself) And then I have to try on all these stupid outfits wich is really embarrassing. I won't say anything more... I think you got the gist.

When I wake up I can still smale the odour from the basement, aven stronger than when I was dreaming and I have an incredible fear which threatens to send on a panic attack. Everything is so vivid... the textures of the clothes, the feel of the floor under my feet... It's like I'm still there, even when I'm awake. It terrifies me.

I'm like a small girl in the dream... I'm too afraid to protest or to disobey this person. I just do everything.

[Randy33]

Tanya,

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about taking a medication to help stop the nightmares? I was having nightmares every night and I just couldn't take it anymore. At least in the daytime, there are things we can try to do to help when we have flashbacks and bad thoughts. But in our sleep, there is nothing we can to do stop them. Mine seem to mostly come toward the end of my sleep and I wake up in the midst of one and am sometimes paralized by it and can't get up. They are so real, absolutley no mystery about why I had them or what they represent, it can be hard to convince myself it didn't really happen.

Sometimes I can shake them in an hour or two, sometimes it takes all day or even days. Some fade when new ones come along and others are embedded in my mind as vividly as actual trauma in real life. My sleep habits are awful and between that and the nightmares, I finally told my therapist I couldn't take it anymore. He put me on Minipress/prazosin which is a med for high blood pressure that they have found helps nightmares as well. I was on 1mg for many months and it worked great. I was having few if any nightmares at all. Then I had a tramatic dissociative episode and it stopped working, even when I upped the dose.

Periactin is another med being used to help with nightmares which I was put on next. Unfortunetly, it didn't have any affect on me. We have stopped intensive PTSD treatment which has provided some relief.