[A Red Panda]

Okie dokie. I don't really tend to ask for advice... but I'm at a point where I need it.

I've put myself, willing, under the pressure of two really large triggers for me.

The first one (and the reason why I finally sought out diagnosis and meds in the spring) is that I am living in a small, isolated town. I'm from a small community and I sorta freak out with feeling trapped and isolated. And having so few people around (now in a town of 13,000) makes things really hard for me - I can't easily go out when I'm in an up and it's really noticeable if I'm withdrawing from things. And then it just feels like I'm in jail because I can't just pick up and go (I don't drive.. and it's an 8 hour drive to the next decent sized city anyway). I don't expect that anyone will have suggestions here, I'm just on the meds to try and help me stay stable until I can get myself adjusted/resigned to this as my fate. (I'm here for work and the job market is crap so it's not like I'm going to go anywhere better).

The second one, which is starting officially tonight... is that I have a housegust coming. For a few weeks at least. He's going to look for work and then somewhere to live. He needed to get out of where he was, so I am glad to help... but I'm going to have a really tough time and I've been stressing out for a week now. I live in a 1-bedroom apartment. He'll be sleeping in my living room.

I don't do well without actual privacy, which I won't get. I spend most of my time in my living room and only use my bedroom for sleeping to encourage good sleep habits. And I wake up early in the morning and it's pitch-dark in here... and I won't really be able to turn on the kitchen light without possibly waking him up.

And I don't like using the washroom when other people are around. Or when it's silent. It just freaks me out and makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I don't know how I am going to cope with it. He'll be jobless and he won't know anyone, and he's rather a homebody and a loner by nature. So he'll never really be out.

And then add that to the fact that my plate is already really full...

and you've got a really overwhelmed and freaking out Red Panda.

[Gus1234U]

i can't imagine having someone sharing my house, sleeping on the couch for eve 3 days~! well, i did it once and it was awful, and he was gone most of the day~

maybe you could put on earphones and turn the music up real loud while you're on the puter ? maybe you will enjoy the company enough to make up for the worries you're having now~

best wishes~
Gus

[A Red Panda]

If it was sharing a house it'd be ok. But it's a 1-bedroom flat. There is: The bathroom. My bedroom. The living/kitchen room.

I don't really like to have music on... and hiding in my room won't help. It'll be a huge amount of stress just going to use the washroom with someone else that close. And in the morning my whole routine will be off as I can't really use the kitchen area. And I don't like being in my bedroom for more than reading before bed.

I'll get through it.. but I might go insane. And mostly I'm just freaking out.

[kykid]

How nice of you to offer to help someone else who is down on their luck, especially with the challenges you are facing. However, when life gives you lemons, it is much more productive to make lemonade than worrying about what you are going to do with all those damn lemons.

Perhaps having someone else around will help relieve some of your lonliness and take the focus off yourself, which is where we naturally tend to focus when we are sick.

[A Red Panda]

So within the last few days...

houseguest informs me on the day of arrival that he does not have his highschool - this obviously narrows down the job market a lot. So up went the stress-factor for me as that would mean it would take him longer to find a job and then a place that he could afford to live.

THEN on Thursday he informs me that he's actually just going to stay for a visit and head back to his sister's to get his highschool.

This completely changes the visit. Now he won't be getting a job, which means he WON'T be out of my flat at ALL... which I really needed... and if he was just going to come for a visit I would have said not quite yet as I agreed SUPER LAST MINUTE to this and I was in no way in the right head space for it... and I'm in an even worse headspace now... so I would have asked him to come later. Or to at least get his highschool first - if he had bothered to tell me that part. And then he might want to come back to look for work as he likes it here - I don't want to host someone twice for the same reason! I find sharing a 1-bedroom flat t obe incredibly stressful even if I was in a GOOD HEADSPACE.

:'(

And I have no idea how long he's going to stay and I don't feel stable enough to even ask

[MotownJohnny]

But, you need to ask. You just be straightforward and direct, but kind, and tell him a visit is ok, but this isn't a permanent arrangement.

[JaneC]

Panda That must feel awful hun, I am soo sorry it is soo hard for you.

I know it is not easy, but the long term gain from some short term discomfort by asking and setting your boundary and having your needs met, really would be worth it. I hope you can work it out soon.

[A Red Panda]

Well now. Monday night I ended up throwing up all night - about 95% sure it was stress with a wee bit of 5% thinking it was a 24 hour flu. I spent the whole day (it was Thanksgiving here in Canada-land) in my bedroom trying to just relax and spend some me-time in my flat. Clearly that backfired! Especially when I thought about going back to my students, whom I hadn't seen since Wednesday as I was out for a course for two days.

So I stayed "home" from work on Tuesday - but went to my friend's flat and stayed there for the day. The night of throwing up with someone else in my flat was way, way, way, too stressful.

This morning, however... I wake up at 6am... and he is STILL AWAKE. So the only time of day that I get to myself... he's awake!

I am, however, flat-sitting from tonight until Sunday. My friend didn't need me to, but she knows I needed out so I'm getting out.

He has his ticket booked - for next Wednesday. so a week to go. But it is soooo hard.

And I really CAN'T say anything to him - it wouldn't do anything except make him feel bad.

But as soon as I woke up this morning... man oh man. I almost freaked out, but then got back into my bedroom and completely froze for like half an hour.

[Open Eyes]

((Red Panda)),

You need to stop worrying about this guy's feelings and take care of "yourself". This "is" your flat and his being there is too much for you.

Hun, you have to give yourself "strict" boundaries so you don't allow people to invade your space and get used to using you as some kind of stepping stone for "themselves". The only one that can do this for "you" is "you" you know.

He needs to get his highschool graduation certificate and at the most once he gets that he can send in job applications or set up some interviews or specific places to go job hunting. He can do this for two days and one night. You are not a flop house and if you don't make that clear, he "will" take advantage and that is not setting good boundaries for yourself.

So he has visited and hopefully looked around the area beyond just your flat. If not then he is just "flopping" and that is "unacceptable". You have to be careful about "being too nice" because you open doors for people to take advantage and not respect your boundaries when you are "too giving".

I learned this years ago as I had an apartment that was only one big room a bathroom and a very small kitchen area. I allowed a friend to stay with me and she increasingly took more and more advantage and I began to come home to her in a bed we shared with some guy and I ended up sleeping in my car. I went on a trip to Florida and came back and the entire apartment was locked up by the landlord because she took my money to pay, but didn't and she even took some of my clothes too. Never again, I lost that apartment because I was just "too nice".

OE

[A Red Panda]

The deal was he was to come here and look for work. If he just asked to come and visit... I would have said no. I'm not in a good head space and didn't want visitors. But I know what the job market is like where he lives so I decided that I could help him out for a bit.

He's got his ticket out - next Wednesday night.

I just don't like feeling lied to and manipulated. It hink he didn't make up his mind until when he was arriving here... but he should have at least told me what he was thinking before booking his tickets because I would have said to stay there until he knew for sure!

But telling him any of this? It won't solve anything and will just make him feel bad.

Today was the first day where he was STILL awake when I woke up in the morning. I was so shocked that I didn't even know how to respond. It wasn't that he was in the way of anything I was doing... but it's quiet and I don't like it when someone can hear everything I am doing.

And he did, in fact, finally do some of his dishes. Which was good. Because they sure weren't any of my dishes as I have not been eating at home!

[Open Eyes]

You have learned something about this person, he isn't organized or responsible.

Sometimes people have to have their feelings hurt to "learn" to get more "responsible" for themselves. If it "pains you" to hurt other people's feelings, learn from this and set tougher boundaries.

Life keeps giving us lessons, we all go through it. The important thing is to "actually learn" and don't repeat mistakes that will give you the same "uncomfortable" results.
Sometimes, unfortunately some have to go through it a few times to realize that though, so don't feel bad.

And as far as your feeling like you are in "no where" right now, well, that really isn't true, you have a job and are learning, and sometimes as we do that working and learning we can be a bit lonely.
Learning, however, can produce advancements for your future so make sure you do not consider this a "forever". Keep an open mind.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Oh Panda may Wednesday roll aorund super speedily for you!! (((Panda)))

Have a lovely time at your friends flat sitting, and enjoy the peace. Be kind to yourself, ok?

The other thing is, I am sure you have learnt a lot from this experience and I hope it gives you some skills moving forward. I see you are a strong and kind person and hope oyu can be this for yourself too.

[A Red Panda]

Honestly.... the only thing I've learned is that if he asks to come back to job-hunt (as he's said that he might after he gets his GED) I will be saying no to him. I already LET him come here to job-hunt. I'm not putting myself through the exact same thing twice!

Aside from things specific to him, I haven't learned anything at all. I knew it was going to be really stressful.... but I wanted to help. I don't consider it a mistake. If someone else was to ask me the same thing, I'd agree to it... I'd just probably tell them about this horrendous experience and demand honesty from them.

And I would probably make sure to wash my bedding before they arrived and tell them we're rotating between who is on the couch - cause then at least I could have proper use of my kitchen. haha.

[Open Eyes]

I don't know the size of your apartment, but what about setting up a patrician with a blow up mattress where whomever "is" staying isn't in the main area where you function. I do not suggest giving up your bedroom or private space, then where could you go is you need some privacy?

[A Red Panda]

The living room/kitchen are open-concept, so that just isn't really possible. There's no light in the living room portion and the kitchen light covers both.

I arrived back home last night, after being gone for a few days to stay a friend's while she was out of town.

He spent a good chunk of the weekend at my friend's house helping her husband do some chores outside. So I feel more sh**** for being such a bad friend to him.

He also decided to wake up at 6:30am this morning. Why?!!! He spent the ENTIRE weekend (not this one, but the one before) sleeping in until 1pm. Why does he have to get up this early on a week day?!?! I get that people can't control waking up... I'm just aggravated because it is the ONLY time of the day that I get any semblance of privacy from him. So my stress level has jumped right back up to where it was on Thursday before I left! (on which day, I'd woken up with him STILL BEING AWAKE at 6am as he had stayed up the entire night!) I can't predict when he will be asleep or awake!!!

Two more mornings. Right? Two more.

I think mostly I just needed this thread to have somewhere to vent it all out.

Thanks everyone for listening.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm not good with house-guests, so I massively sympathise.

[A Red Panda]

Thanks tinyrabbit. I just... need my space. I hate feeling like I can't have any privacy. I think I could handle having a house guest if I could just go pee in privacy - a one bedroom apartment is not nearly enough space.

Or if he hadn't lied.

It's way too much like being with my family.

[tinyrabbit]

I think you have gone out of your way for this guest. I also think it's fine if you say no in future!

[A Red Panda]

Oh, in the future I will definitely NOT be letting him ever come back.

I cannot handle NO CONSISTENCY. 6am and he is STILL AWAKE.

Really... I understand insomnia and lack of sleep.... I get that. But watching movies all night long NEVER HELPS with that!

Also going to add: I do not think he has ever cleaned my counter nor the stovetop. Keep in mind, I have not actually ate supper in my own flat for over a week... and yesterday I used the microwave to make a quick meal, which is when I noticed. Why wouldn't you clean up in someone else's home?!! I don't understand. Even if you're a slob, when you go to visit someone... anyone... shouldn't it be obvious to clean up after yourself? Especially if you KNOW that the friend you're going to stay with is a clean freak???

And I noticed that he's unplugged my microwave. Why??!

[A Red Panda]

Final Update:

He is GONE. I spent the night carving pumpkins at a friend's house and he left half an hour earlier than planned.

The final verdict:
I asked him last night to do a load of laundry for the towels and sheet he used. He looked at me with surprise and went "Oh? Okay... sure.".... because clearly, I wanted to pay to do HIS laundry for him?!?! But I was really proud of myself for making that clear...

And when I got home today, after he's gone? The kitchen is full of dishes, the counters are a mess, the stove top is literally DISGUSTING and has stuff all over it... and he also left a frying pan with bacon grease.

It makes me sick. I don't even want to be friends with this guy anymore.

[A Red Panda]

I guess that WASN'T the final update!

I had removed him from facebook because really... after being lied to, essentially manipulated, and having someone not even clean up after themselves.... and he never said thank you at all upon leaving.....

So he sent me this message (name's removed):

"Well I see that we aren't friends. Over a sink of dishes, awesome. For your info I did jobhunt but ran into 2 major issues that i talked to you about. If I had a vehicle I would have been able to get a job as I looked and called a number of people and the answer was always no without my own car. I in fact i asked for help with essays and got none. I did spend 2 hours everyday working on my ged book and got a huge amount accomplished.

As for the sink of dishes I said I was sorry and meant it, D contacted me before he picked me up which was 45 mins early which was the time I had planned on doing dishes. I had to double check my packing and make sure things fit as there wasn't room for error, had I known you would be that mad about dishes I would've told him no, maybe if you'd been there my last evening to say goodbye I could have asked, again my bad and I'm sorry.

I will point out that the night you got over the top drunk and high you and T left a bigger mess everywhere that I cleaned up for you. The food and pan was left out for hours and I got to clean your stove which was coated in dried on crap. To me that seems pretty equal. I also took care of your garbage, litter and vacuuming while I was there and never heard a thank you once. So yes I made one mistake and didnt do the dishes,once, but thanks for making me look, and feel, like a piece of **** on facebook. Stay classy.

Have a good life L, if you ever need anything from me just ask. You may not want my friendship but its there none the less."

1. He cleaned up part of those dishes - I did most of them.
2. The rest of the dishes during his two weeks? Were his - I kept my few dishes in my room as they were relatively clean ones. He might have washed a spoon or two that I'd used.
3. He did not vacuum more than once. My vacuum only lasts maybe 2, 2.5 covers of my flat before it needs charged. I did 1 before he arrived, 1 after he arrived. So he may have gotten part of the floor. It was never charged as the charger is exactly as I'd left it. That one time he did it was maybe a day or two after I had last vacuumed. And anyway, I was not in the living room space so he was only vacuuming up after himself.
4. I don't know how often he changed he kitty litter, but I did change it about a week after he got here and it was full so he obviously hadn't done it before than.
5. Why would I thank someone for cleaning up after themselves? And he did not clean up after himself - there was always a sink full of dishes and they would sit there for days and get a bigger and bigger pile.
6. He forgets to mention that he did not thank me at all for letting him here.
7. He told me about not having his high school only AFTER he arrived - I would have told him that it was going to be useless and not allowed him to come if he had not lied to me about it.
8. As he left almost an hour before planned - of course I wasn't there. I had had plans to be carving pumpkins and WAS planning on getting home for 9pm before he left.
9. Why should it be of any importance to me that he worked on his highschool two hours each day? Only two hours? What did he do with the majority of the rest of the time? It certainly wasn't cleaning up after himself...
10. He asked when he first arrived if I'd help. He never asked me to look over anything for him as he had had nothing ready the day he first asked.

He's now actually blocked.

[avlady]

i don't blame you for not wanting to have him over again!!!

[tinyrabbit]

Oh my actual goodness. What a tool - you made the right decision unfriending him. And his being-a-tool-ness isn't your fault, or any reflection on you, FYI.

It's not over a sink of dishes. It's over his lack of consideration for you. Notice that his message doesn't say: "I'm sorry I left things in a state. I realise now that it was very inconsiderate of me. I'm so sorry - I've screwed up and I hope you can forgive me."

No, he just talks about himself and all the reasons why he didn't do it. If his lift came early, he could have told him to wait, or at least left a note apologising.

His message makes me think it's not that surprising he can't find a job - he sounds so ENTITLED. You are well shot. I applaud you for standing your ground.

(((hugs)))

[A Red Panda]

I forgot to posts my text - I'd text him going "You didn't do your dishes?!" whereupon he blamed leaving early as his reason - he'd known for over half an hour that he was leaving half an hour early (based on when he'd told me that he was going early) and who on earth leaves washing dishes until the last ten minutes or so anyway?

And he said sorry in that text response to me asking. But it was like a "I'm sorry I didn't do the dishes, but D picked me up early" - he'd known for over half an hour that he was leaving half an hour early as he'd text me then! And he had ALL DAY LONG to do them... so although it was an apology.. it felt so insincere.

I'm glad that I've been ranting away about him the entire visit though - it's the only thing I have that really "proves" to me that he really HAS been totally inconsiderate and how I know that he did NOT do as much cleaning as he's trying to let on. It's like he's trying to rewrite my experience..... and it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible piece of s***. If it wasn't for the ranting I know I've done, I'd probably believe him.

[too SHy]

omg,do i know what you're going through, although on a much grander scale! I agree that the boundaries are key. After all, its your place! Turn the faucets on when you are in the restroom. If worse comes to worse, you could have the heat and electric shut off, just jokeing. best to you