Anger and jealousy at people w/good-enuf families

I am healing from PTSD from abuse, as well as several abandonments. I was a foster kid.

But a new thing is happening that makes me hate my own thoughts: I am extremely angry about what happened to me and jealous of people with good enough families.

As in, I met a woman age 25 with a PhD who does nonprofit work, and I think, well aren't you perfect with your intact family and lawyer dad? It's easy to be morally superior than the rest of us when you've been supported your entire life and when you've been loved your entire life. And when your parents supported you all through school.

I know that everyone has their own struggles and I know that I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But there is a new ugliness within me I didn't have before I started processing all this trauma. Can anyone else relate?

Why not use that energy to do something you would love to do? Do you have a dream? Case in point (I was abused as a child and in a 31 year marriage and then my church voted me out of membership)...I took the "ashes" of my life, wrote about them and won a scholarship and am a sophomore at 67! Of course we are envious of people we perceive as having more than we do, but that is a waste of time (as you know) Perhaps you could be a mentor for foster kids. There is nothing that speaks like experience.

Oh wow, congratulations on following your dreams.

I do feel pushed to volunteer my time to help the less fortunate. And I know that gratitude and being externally focused are solutions to deal with envy.

But that's exactly where I get so angry - because I have no social safety, I must work full time. I fear not having money and having no place to go, and having to depend on people who resent me or treat me poorly, because I have been there in my life.

I'm also starting a family. I'm a breadwinner. I find a lot of joy in my spouse and young child. But that also takes up so much time.

I used to mentor children, and the children of prisoners. But that was when I was single and had more free time.

Maybe I will be a mentor for foster kids in my next stage of life. Or I will pray for God to clear me a space when it makes sense.

People who have strong families and strong financial safety nets can give back even more. It's actually something I am jealous about. They can work in a nonprofit and earn less and give back and do good, and count on their parents to supplement their income. If they are laid off, they have more options than those of us who are essentially, orphans.

If you are surrounded by extended family who loves you and helps provide for you, it's easier to pay that forward and become an even better member of society than your birthright. It's a wonderful cycle for the have's but it hurts the have-nots.

I had a dream and pursued it for five years. I had to abandon it because of the economy, to avoid homelessness. That is a source of bitterness. I am grateful for my current work, however.

I find that if I feel resentful about someone having a good family... Well, I try to remind myself of two things:

1) they had no more control over the family they were born into than I do
2) a family might look great on the outside, but that doesn't mean it is a great family

Like... people are always quite shocked when I answer questions about family and money. They're surprised to find out that I do not have a supportive family, that I deal with depression and suicidal, and that I have always paid my own way. I don't look or behave like I've came from anywhere but a supportive family.

Sure, I grew up with my actual family and did not live in complete poverty. I was also fortunate enough to not undergo physical or sexual abuse. But it was an emotional wasteland and I was an adult-child. I didn't even know just how close my family was to the poverty line until I found out that I qualified for the maximum amount of student loans from my province.

I try to look at the things that I've gained through my upbringing, instead of looking at the things that I missed:

1. I am good with my money.
2. I understand how to work hard.
3. I've learned how to take care of myself.
4. I'm not afraid to completely start over somewhere.
5. I understand just how important it is for me to be understanding and supportive of others.
6. I value my possessions and take care of them properly.
7. I show a lot of love and kindness to my students (I'm single) because I know just how much it changes you when you don't have any of that.
8. If I hit rock bottom (I am talking about ways that are not emotionally) I will not collapse because I've always been near that bottom and know how to survive there.

A lot of people I've known who did have really supportive families? I've seen them terrified of doing anything independently. Many of them really didn't have a single clue how to live as an adult and were reliant on staying near their families for that reason.

Sometimes I would feel jealous of the money or love... but other times I feel pity and ashamed of those same people because many of them are basically still children even as they are approaching their 30s.

So I try to just remind myself that really, they were born into that situation and EVERYONE has their struggles. We don't know what they are unless someone shares with us, and mental illness can strike anyone at all. I know that it's really easy to go "Well at least they have family who will pay for their treatment and take care of them" and yes, they might. But it isn't fair to judge them individually for that, and we really don't know their inner world.

that was so so so so so helpful, Panda. Thank you so much I will save this and read it again and again thank you.

You're not the only one, life can be so damned unfair. Although I would go as far as saying nobody is perfect and that if you did have a microscope, you would realize she doesn't have it as good as you think. Regardless, she probably does have it better than you in many ways.

But life is unpredictable. Just because somebody has it better does not mean they will always have it better. And just because somebody was abandoned does not mean they can't find the best kind of love that even people with intact families could not dream of. Don't give up. I'm trying to do the same btw. I'm trying to recover from a PTSD (being witness to an incident) and also mixed in emotional abuse.

I think maybe having suffered through some of the things that we did suffer does give us special abilities. Maybe we are better at matters of the heart. When due to trauma people are forced to slow down, I think they gain new perspective and that is not useless. I think we just need to know how to use it. It can take a while to do that of course but there is a way out of this that will result in us feeling more confident and less angry.

Hi PeeJay

Yes, I know this feeling. It's especially difficult around the holidays.

I used to be ok with this, mostly thinking positively, until I got PTSD and all of the flashbacks started. Even though PTSD is in remission, I can't do it anymore. It makes me sad knowing that each and every day is a struggle. Just to carry out normal things in everyday life.

It takes a lot of mental energy to stay in positive mode. It's ok to be angry and jealous. Maybe you are tired. Maybe you need a break. You deserve a break.

Thanks for saying this, Rosondo.

(((PeeJay))),

You need to grieve whatever you feel was lost or not there for you. But try not to have anger towards others that do have a nice family, try to be happy that there are people who do have that, because you know what it is like not to. It never meant you were not worthy. Take the emptiness and fill it by doing as well as you can and caring for others
whenever you can.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Thanks guys. You are making me cry...in a good way. Thank you.

Hi PeeJay,
I read your post when you put it up and have spent the last day or so with it playing around in my head. My background seems a bit similar to yours in brief. I too have the same anger at people and their 'perfect' lives. To the point that this past week I had to talk my self out of screaming at someone complaining about their mother; all I could think was at least you have one!
I know what you mean when you refer to it as the ugliness. I've struggled with it so long that when people compliment me sometimes I think, wow if you only knew what sometimes goes through my mind!
So no you are not alone in this, and I'm sure as you work on what your journey is it will lessen or completely go away. That is my hope for you