[MotownJohnny]

Been thinking about it a lot the past few days. My life is hopeless, because I can't ever erase the past. I guess I don't even care if people know, I know, and I can't forget. It just hurts so much, every day and night are torture now.

Modern psychiatry says we are not allowed to control our own destiny, and we are not allowed to choose when and how to go. Instead, their answer is to lock people up as if they were criminals "for your own good" and force snake oil treatments on them that really don't work.

Yet, they tell us to view the "medical model" of mental illness - it's a disease, it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel any shame or stigma about it.

Oncologists don't do that to cancer patients.

They treated me exactly like a criminal, and all I have left is a shell of myself filled with pain and bitterness and anger. And, that, boys and girls, is why I see no reason to live. I won't go out and off myself, at least not yet. I will exist, but I will not live. There is a difference. I've been a dead man walking for 17 months, just waiting for the end to come.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

Linkin Park, 'Waiting For The End'

[A Red Panda]

No one has ever told me that I was not in control of my own destiny. It's never even been implied.

Not being allowed to choose when and how you die? That applies to everyone and not just people with mental illness. They also do not want people with physical disabilities to kill themselves.

In the psychiatric ward, their main job is to ensure that people do not kill and hurt themselves. That's their job. That's why people go there - to have someone to help them not hurt or kill themselves (even if they didn't particularly choose to go there for help).

No one is locked up. Snake-oil treatments are very different from medication - there's always some trial an error with meds because everyone's bodies are a bit different, but medication is clinically proven to help.

But even the best medication won't help if the person taking the medication doesn't want to be taking them, or doesn't work towards making behavioural or life-style changes. It's why so many people who take the "I'm sick, I can't ever change that" route end up becoming more their diagnosis than not, because they feel doomed and then live up to the stereotypes of the diagnosis.

I know that you had a bad experience, and that sucks. You unfortunately won the opposite of the lottery - you had a bad set of doctors combined with a lot of ignorance/misconceptions on your end. That's a lot to work with before you can even work with what your disorders are.

But deciding your life is hopeless because you can't change the past is definitely not helping you. It didn't help me either. It took me deciding "Eff this, I'm going to beat this damn thing and I'm going to prove that I am NOT the product of my family". And that's kept me motivated. I don't want to be beat by depression and when I have thoughts that are really bad I tend to tell my brain to eff off because that's not really me. When I feel hopeless I point out to myself all the things that I've worked to do that have gone beyond what I thought was possible when I was a kid.

Do you notice how I did that without really even having to accept who I am? I just decided that the REST of the world wasn't going to result in me dying. I was going to be in charge of me dying. Right now, you're letting the rest of the world decide your fate. So of course you would feel hopeless!

I hope that you can remind yourself of the progress you've been making lately.

[MotownJohnny]

Red Panda - I get what you are saying about fight, fight, fight. And that was my attitude. But, and I'm sure many people can relate, I'm just so tired of fighting.

Can't it just stop? Please.

[Open Eyes]

(((Mowtown))),

I am sorry that when you struggled and reached out for help you didn't get the help you needed, may have even had people be "mean" to you.

I can really "relate" and a lot of my therapy has been to help me work through all the "bad" therapy I had. Mowtown, every time I was really struggling and tried to reach out for help, I was failed badly, and yes, even mistreated and misdiagnosed.

However, you need to understand that in just the past 10 years so much more has been learned about "mental illness" and even some of the different brain challenges like ADHD, Dyslexia just to name a few that can lead to someone struggling and developing other challenges because they were mistreated or just didn't understand "why" they struggled more than others somehow.

The other thing you need to understand is that for a while treatment by drugs became more important than "therapy" too. Now, more than ever, we are beginning to understand that "therapy" really "is" important and can be "more" beneficial than drug treatment.

I can see how you have been struggling "up and down" and I can see how you have these waves of memories come forward that bring on such depressive emotions too. I have been through that many times myself too. I am sorry Mowtown, because I know how challenging it is first hand.

No, you cannot erase what has happened to you in your life either. But you can finally "grieve it" and work through it all and get to a point where the memories are still there but these episodes that you are experiencing now, get weaker and weaker. And part of your fear of "some kind of rejection", is really coming from your past and not as much of a "present threat" as you think. What has brought on that "present" complication has been the "bad" therapy, but that is a "lack" in the treatment providers, part of our broken system that challenges so many people, not just you Mowtown. This is something that is being discussed more and more overall now, it isn't just "you" that has struggled believe me. Actually, we are just on the verge of working on making "changes" to address this problem because so many people have been struggling.

((Mowtown)), we really have been learning a lot when it comes to the challenge that you and I and so many other struggle with. We are gaining a lot of momentum in our understanding of the brain and how to help people like you and me overcome this PTSD challenge.

You had a good weekend, so you do have good days, your goal is to learn how to "increase" these good days and weaken that bad, and that takes time and patience. I am sorry you are struggling this way, but you are "gaining" even though it is discouraging when you have these low days. You have to keep paying attention to lengthening the good days.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Red Panda - I get what you are saying about fight, fight, fight. And that was my attitude. But, and I'm sure many people can relate, I'm just so tired of fighting.

Can't it just stop? Please.

Yes, I have felt that way many times.

[A Red Panda]

I understand being tired of fighting. So am I. I've been fighting for almost 20 years now. That's 2/3s of my life. I will continue fighting until it's been 4/5s of my life. And then 9/10ts of my life.

I can want to give up all I want, but I'm not going to because what good is that going to do? All it would do is throw away all the work I've already done and while things might be s***, at least I can say that it's not s*** that's due to things that I've done.

It's a decision and it's a decision that you can't decide to go back on. Like any other responsible decision that gets made in life. Many responsible decisions people don't WANT, but they do it anyway. Deciding to live and keep trying is one of those decisions.

And unfortunately, no, it probably won't stop. Not all the way at least. But it can be minimized and handled better.

[JaneC]

I can understand how you are feeling, I've felt it regularly...feel it somewhat now. Life can feel like it sucks soo much that the only reasonable thought for a second is to end it. You get soo tired and want the fatigue and struggle to be over. I get these thoughts.

I understand what it feels like to feel completely hopeless.

But I also know this Johnny...we are in control of our own destiny. No matter what, it is up to each of us to decide how we choose to act, how we are in the world, how we respond to the world and the decisions we make. Sometimes we need help with doing those things in healthy ways for ourselves, and for me that is with therapy, but even that is my choice!

You asked in another thread if you can choose to be happy, to me this seems like a similar theme. You can choose the path towards happiness and you can choose the path to living your life, not just existing. But you have to choose it, and sometimes keep bloody choosing it every single day...over and over and over until it becomes the life you want and deserve.

Yeah, its not easy. I think all of us here know how soo NOT easy this is.....some days I want to curse and swear and tell the world and the universe and anyone that will listen to just eff off and give me a break. Or run and hide from everyone. But deep inside I know I want better.......and maybe one day I will believe I deserve better. But I can tell you this......you Johnny, and everyone else definately do deserve to live a fulfilling life of your choosing.

"If you are going through hell, keep going".... Winston Churchill

[CrimsonBlues]

I know just what you mean. I have been working on my issues for so long and it is so exhausting. I often feel like giving up and throwing in the towel because it is so hard and because it seems much of the time like there is no end in sight. There are days where I just can't believe that things will ever get better.

[MotownJohnny]

Ok, I'm trying something new, blocking negative thoughts. It's just a dumb idea I had - like a little kid who wants to ignore mommy so he puts his fingers in his ears and hums. I downloaded a couple of new albums and am listening intently song by song, trying to really hear and analyze the meaning.

Better than thinking of offing myself.

[MotownJohnny]

As dumb as it sounds, it's actually working. Whenever a negative thought pops up, I tell it to go away and then ignore it.

Simple things for simple minds, I guess.

[A Red Panda]

That's basically what I do when I tell my brain to "eff off". I basically am waging war with my brain - it's me vs. the depression. Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes it wins the battle. But it's a 100 years war and I will bloody well make it last that long if I can

I find it important to remind myself that while I FEEL all the negative things about myself are true... I have to remind myself every single time that it's just my brain messing with me.

[MotownJohnny]

Red Panda - I admire that attitude, and I know exactly how it feels and what you mean. During and after the psych ward, I had a "prisoner of war" attitude, keen survival instinct, going on the offense to the best of my ability, doing acts of resistance. Somehow, I have lost the survival instinct and the fighting spirit. It broke me. I want to get that back, it was better than this.