Relationships with your abuser

Do you still interact with the person who hurt you? This can be either by force or because you want to. How do you get it to work (more easily/happily?!) when you live separately from but still have to interact with the person?

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry you've been going through this. Huge hugs to my friend ((((((((((( Inky )))))))). My heart just aches for you. Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

<font color=blue>I did up until a year ago

(read the post spider and the web theory) that is all about my contact with him...

Whether or not I will in the future I do not know, I doubt it though.</font color=blue>

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I'm one of those who refuse to interact with my abusers. I have a lot of hate towards them, forgiveness being my weak point. I have had to talk to the abusers on occasion. I just build up a wall, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with them. I'm usually scared to death when I'm near them. If you feel the need to talk to your abuser, I guess forgiveness is key. I think it all depends on if you want a relationship them.

Hi! This is a really good question. I didn't have contact with any of my abusers for 10 years. I recently moved back to the where they live. Many of my abusers were/are family members. I do have contact with them now. The most important thing for me is to be safe. When I didn't feel like I could be safe emotionally or physically I stayed away. After being in recovery for many years I've come to a place of knowing there's nothing they can do to me anymore. I know if I need to, I can leave. I'm able to see them objectively now. I've come to a place of understanding and forgiveness. Not all days do I forgive. And on those days I stay away. I always make sure I have a way to leave if I need to. I'm very clear about my boundaries. I confronted the main abuser many years ago. So he knows, I know. That was the only way I could be in contact with him. I couldn't pretend nothing happened and be around him. I needed him to know that I know who and what he is. That made a huge difference for me. Good luck in your journey. I think the most important thing to remember is that I have to do what's best for me no matter what.

Yep, I still talk to my abuser (my mother). Every shrink I've ever had has urged me to cut all ties with her. It would make sense, and it would undoubtedly make me feel better, but there's that little voice saying, "SHE"S YOUR MOTHER!" (I was raised on guilt, can you tell? :-)

I know she will never admit to what she did, and I'll never have justice, at least in this world, and that makes me angry and a little self-pitying. I do try to limit the amount of contact I have with her, but I don't feel capable of cutting it off entirely. ..which makes me feel more nuts than I already am! Suggestions welcome.

I am in much the same place as you find yourself -- what I have had to do is limit contact to positive interactions only. I know my mother will never admit any thing ever happened much less that she did anything to me that was not right. Dump the guilt it is counterproductive.

Perhaps if you wrote a letter to mom that you never intend to send and tell her exactly what she did and how you feel about it, you could get beyond your pain. Anger at unfair treatment is not a bad thing as long as you don't allow yourself to be stuck there.

~D~

Because of numerous reasons, I had to end all contact with my parents; if it's your ex, and the father of your children then it's a little different I guess, but just trying to make the best decisions for me.
Jon

First of all Hello, found this site and have been reading. Thanks for being here. I have had 2 contacts with my primary abuser in 11 years. Under my own terms. I have noticed from other posts that some of their abusers are woman. I would have to say that throughout all of the abuse and torture I endured the abuse from my mother had the longest, worst, most devastating affects. The neglect is/was as bad. Long term consequences to sick parenting but I do not have to speak with her and deal with her. I have very negative feelings toward her.

Hello Inkblot,
I can say that one of my abusers I have No choice to be in contact with , He is the father of my youngest... He has since become sober and has done alot of apologies and has realized the nasty things he has said and done he does not remember them all but it has been along time since we were together...
You need to make sure the contact is going to be healthy, For You!!! You need to make sure it is necessary and that you need or want to for what ever the reasons may be for you...
Enough Rattling from me .... Just be Careful !!!! troubled1