[chor0nzon]

Hey forum,

As the title says I'm in such extreme pain that I'm considering putting suicide on the table. I spend every day of the week, every week of every month, every month of the year in extreme pain. I haven't had a good day in over a decade, back when I was in college.

I've been trying to fight this and get better for years now, but I'm only getting worse. I have no family. No friends. The therapists I tried to see were abusive so that just made things worse. I have so little right now that my life is a battle up Mt. Everest, and I somehow have to do it living with blinding pain and confusion, no support or resources, and all the stresses of working and living in America with no support or safety net.

What the hell can I do? It's hard for me to connect with people or deal with my emotions because it overwhelms me with terrifying pain. Nobody has ever loved me or cared about me so even bringing people into my life is an ordeal of a lifetime. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like a lost cause that should be thrown in a dumpster and forgotten about.

I don't want to kill myself, I just don't know what to do anymore.

[kaliope]

I was once where you are at, ive tried killing myself, ive been that hopeless, ive totally broke down and been hospitalized against my will for it but then... I finally got on meds that worked and found a good therapist and finally started seeing light in my life and my life completely turned around and after 30 years of suffering I wasn't in pain anymore. I finally found my magic wand. I couldn't believe the difference. there is hope.

It is tough living with this condition ... I've been to that door (suicide) a time or two myself and am so glad I didn't succeed.

My new mantra is ... I'll be damned if I'll give the bastards that (my life)!

Please hang on until you find a therapist who specializes in trauma issues ... You can even find some that will work with you on sliding scale if you don't have insurance or feel you can't afford it.

And, as far as suicide goes ... Don't cash that ticket yet, because it's non-refundable!

,
Pfrog!

[chor0nzon]

haha, wow this place is great, it's at least comforting knowing there are people who get it. Maybe I just need to calm my mind for a minute. But I seriously need to find some good help. It's hard moving forward when each day feels like a fight for survival.

I know the awful conditions of the past don't exist anymore, but my brain doesn't seem to care. That's one of the hardest things right now, jumping over that hurdle so I can move forward.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by chor0nzon

haha, wow this place is great, it's at least comforting knowing there are people who get it. Maybe I just need to calm my mind for a minute. But I seriously need to find some good help. It's hard moving forward when each day feels like a fight for survival.

I know the awful conditions of the past don't exist anymore, but my brain doesn't seem to care. That's one of the hardest things right now, jumping over that hurdle so I can move forward.

You don't need to calm your mind. You need to get your fight up. You are on the PTSD forum. We depress ourselves to spare others our wrath. We turn our fight in on ourselves. You've got to turn your fight around and go get some adequate treatment. You may get more PTSD as you get less depressed. Deal with it.

Living here now will help. Train yourself a little each day. "cool story, bro, but that's not happening now. This is happening now. Cool story but it hasn't happened yet"

Get medicine. Be open to other treatment. I've seen people brighten up on ect. I'm afraid of the paralytic drugs myself but I've seen depressed people turn around in a week.

Eat raw food every day. Walk. Get sunlight. Stop drinking. Stop smoking--cut back first. Cut back caffeine but go slow. Drink water. Drinking a glass of water each hour or even each thirty minutes is something you can do right now to feel better by tonight. Read about dehydration and depression. Do all those natural self help things.

Fight for yourself.

If ptsd, my own and that of loved ones has taught me anything it is that its better to do the wrong thing than to do nothing. I've lived in five domestic violence shelters because of a horrid little meddling accountant. Before hat trauma I taught refugees. Because 6 dad had ptsd all my men ha e had ptsd, from political violence. My favorite over was an asylee from beautiful country gone to revolution and totalitarianism in our youth. A He lost everything but his body and that was crippled by beatings in prison. Gang women, political asylum seekers, war refugees, all tell me do the wrong thing before you freeze and do nothing.

Under the depression you are fighting for your life. Under the fight you are a peace loving person of myriad emotions and sensitivities. You have to go through the ptsd fight crap to get there. Do it.

Let other people deal with the pits you become. Don't curl up and die for their convenience.

This is serious. Even if you don't have the heart to do suicide, it is violence to drag on for decades untreated. Don't allow it. Get noisy now.

I managed to arrive at the age of fifty before I woke up in hospital wondering where I was and who helped me out of my clothes. I have no shame about it now. I am merely grateful that my police and medical people were respectful and decent and concerned. I am grateful to a little snake who sent my adrenaline soaring and led me to big drama. I got more help that week than I got in the months dicking around at the local MH place. I feel I had to be an *** to get help but no o.e treated me like an ***. They were kind and supportive.

Sometimes you have to blow past the mental health minions to get to the doctors and nurses. They are the ones who see the suicides while the minions are eating ice cream in front of telly. Do what you have to do. You'll pay your karmic debt when you are healthy and strong, with interest and in good cheer.

One thing about ptsd that does approach recovery, we care about seeing others get well. It's like a spiritual awakening or an initiation. So you may as well thank gods or dogs for our horrific warmongering because its given us medical people with ptsd experience of their own.

Lol! I bezerked online! I will outlive my sanity, I can see that now.but you take care and keep fighting until you are well. Me too.

Godspeed

[doglover1979]

I have been in your shoes. I really feel for you. It's terrible.

If you really feel desperate you may need to be hospitalized, at least on a partial hospital level, until you feel safe again. Please don 't hesitate to go to the ER if you need to.

[Fuzzybear]

[SkyWhite]

I've been where you are and hospitalized for 2 attempts. What I finally realized was I don't really want to die, I just want the pain to go away. That sounds like where you are.

Find a good trauma therapist; your life really does depend on it. Go online and find out what mental health facilities are available in your area or call a Crisis Line to find out. They can be very helpful. If you're really overwhelmed go to an ER.

I'm glad you came to PC because this is an excellent forum that has helped me tremendously. Keep posting and asking questions here for support if that's all you can muster right now.

Don't give up chor0nzon, you're not alone.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by chor0nzon

I know the awful conditions of the past don't exist anymore, but my brain doesn't seem to care. That's one of the hardest things right now, jumping over that hurdle so I can move forward.

It's a leap of faith we all have to make eventually.

[Lady Courtesan]

Being newly diagnosed with ComplexPTSD, I'm reading your posts and finally I get it! They're talking about me! I was in that place, so full of pain for so long. But it takes a long time to realize you're finally free.

It's been 13 months since I left my prison and I'm just beginning to understand that it's over. And it's kind of like, what now? Do I stay hidden in my palace for the rest of time. Do I still need to cover my face with tattered silks? It's almost as if there are levels of recovery? Not sure, but there are certainly levels of being lost and imprisioned and yet, still alone.
I'd really be interested in what others have to say about this part of it.