Tempted to pack it all in

I'm not managing all my emotional s--t very well. My last trauma memory causes me to dissociate if I even think of it. I'm a mess. My T visits are too far apart to be of any real help. I went to the MH crisis centre last Tuesday and they just sent me home with suicidal thoughts and no follow up instructions. I had to email my T to see if they even sent him a report. They sent him one but not my pdoc. They said they made a med change but didn't give me a prescription. My T said in his email I could do the change when I see my pdoc in 3 weeks. I can't wait 3 weeks! Called the pdoc and he's going call the MH centre for the report. I'm on the verge of tears every day and can barely get through the day. Then, to top it off, our house was vandalized on Saturday when a drunk woman from a party next door smashed our front window with a bottle.

With the report mix up and how I'm feeling, which is like a bag of crap, I'm totally ready to pack it in. I'm going no where fast with all this. Nothing is really being accomplished. I'm getting more help on PC then I am any where else. I want to stop therapy altogether but I'm now too attached to my T to leave him. I'm between a rock and very hard f--king place.

Do hang in there. The larger issue is more important than all the crap that is being piled on top of it and you right now-----but you are right about needing more immediate response. (do you by any chance have a supportive primary care provider? I have, on occasion turned to mine when in a crisis...they can sometimes help by listening, prescribing, or getting the other wheels turning with a phone call)
Keep banging on those doors-----you have to for your self. (((((((((((hug)))))))))))

Thanks winter4me. Up until now I've been emailing my T and he's been helping in-between visits, but I'm feeling so guilty for sending him these crazy-woman emails. I feel so needy and I'm ashamed of myself. He has the patience of a saint, but I feel like a real pain in the *** for him and everyone else, for that matter.

The reason I want to quit therapy is because I'm 56 and don't feel I'm fixable anymore.

It's not about being fixed. It's about having a good life.

Don't blow off self help. DBT and CBT skills, mindfulness, yoga, good diet, chingong, vitamins, self care, gratitude journals, all that hokey stuff works. We can change ourselves with small daily practices. Even of you could collapse into a luxury treatment facility, you would still have to change yourself b6 changing your habits.

Eventually we get from kill me or cure me to will this act make my life better or worse?

Teacake: I am not blowing off self help. I completely understand the importance of self help and I don't think it's hokey--don't make assumptions. I have been doing many of the things you've listed, but there are times I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with my progress. I'm going through a difficult, difficult time right now and this is all new to me.

Your tone sounds very condescending and punitive. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sharing that here. I don't need someone wagging a finger at me and lecturing me about the merits of self care and self help. I assure you, I've done my homework. This is supposed to be a supportive forum. Don't lecture me.

Do you know when you are dissociating? If there are cues that it is coming on, maybe you could work with your T to find some coping strategies that work for you to reduce or eliminate the the dissociation. It takes practice, but it can be done if you can recognize that it is happening.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It sucks. Hang in there!

Hi SkyWhite, I am sorry you are going through a difficult patch right now, I have been there and I know how frustrating it is. I had days where I really just wanted to give up too, and then I learned that those feelings come in and then fade like all the other emotions that present a challenge, even the crying spells.

What medications are you on right now, if you don't mind my asking?

I know it is hard, but you are doing what you need to and your T is there to help with these things----it is part of the job, and he probably gets some satisfaction from being able to help when he can---you are NOT a PIA

Thanks for your support everyone. This last episode of memories really upset me. Now I'm even more upset because I talked to my pdoc today and he told me if I don't stop drinking to cope he won't see me anymore. I know he's right and I promised him I wouldn't drink anymore. I know I'm not an alcoholic because I can go months without drinking and don't even care for it that much, but when the psych pain comes up bad enough, I try to smother it with booze. Old habits from my youth die hard. But I'm kind of pissed off at my pdoc now too because he hasn't even given me a proper diagnosis.

My pdoc also told me that maybe I should see a psychologist who can see me more often, because I don't seem to be getting any better with my current T. (Is there a set time limit on this, or what?). I said I can't afford it and even if I could, I'm too dependent on my current T. I feel he understands me better than anyone will and I want to keep working with him. He has helped me a lot even though it may not seem like it sometimes.

I feel so ashamed of myself and want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I'm not even sure I can face my T on Monday I'm so ashamed. They don't realize how painful this is. Who could anyone know unless they've been through it. I guess I'll face the music on Monday. I guess all of this is happening because they DO care about me but I'm still very, very ashamed.

I'm on Wellbutrin 300 mg and Seroquel 25 mg at night. They put me on Wellbutrin because it's supposed to be good for seasonal affective disorder which I've had for most of my life.

I'm starting to be more aware of my dissociating. I sit staring into space and if it gets really bad I'm completely out of my body and my whole perception of my environment and where I'm sitting changes. My T and I have gone over grounding techniques and they do work. It takes some getting used to.

SkyWhite, yes, it is a horrible, miserable thing all around. Please hang in there, you have to have hope it will get better. And, you have to have determination to make it better. The passive voice, "hope it will get better" leaves it up to fate. The active voice which says "make it better" is the true voice of empowerment. The problem is that the path is often very murky. Or, in some ways, it is more like a trying to negotiate a minefield, you know you have to get through it, but it is extremely terrifying and you don't know which way to go to get through safely.

The shame thing - I know it's easy to say "don't be ashamed". And you shouldn't. But, I can't shake that feeling. And I SO relate to your statement "how could anyone know unless they've been through it". After my stay in the day hospital program, I kept telling my therapist how ashamed, etc., I was. She kept telling me I shouldn't feel that way. Perhaps she is right, intellectually I know she is right in principal. But, until SHE has that hanging around her neck, I don't think she is qualified to speak to how I feel about it.

Oh, I was put on Wellbutrin and I could not handle it, it just made me more sensitive and aggravated. You might want to question that medication, my therapist told me that it isn't the best medication to use with PTSD because it stimulates too much. It sounds like it is winding you up, not good for someone already hyper aware. That is probably "why" you are drinking because you are too wound up. You would probably do better on Zoloft or Prozac as they are more calming.

Psychiatrists don't like alcohol use with PTSD because while it has that sedative affect, it also aggravates the PTSD and it isn't good to use alcohol with other medications. Your psychiatrist should have taken time to "calmly" explain that to you. I drank when on Wellbutrin too, like I said, that medication just wound me up too much.

As I am telling you this, never choose to stop "any" medication on your own, always get professional advice with that process.


OE

Another thing with wellbutrin and alcohol is there is a risk of having seizures.

I was put on it at one point, too. It wasn't a good med for me, but I attribute a lot of the problems I had while on it to the struggle of staying sober at the time. I had stopped daily drinking, but still would lose control and binge a few times a week.

Why the Pdoc put me on it when I had such an alcohol problem is beyond me. I'm guessing its because he suspected Bipolar and didn't want to mess with SSRI's.

That may be why the Pdoc was so stern about drinking.

Thanks doglover1979 and Open Eyes. This is really good to know about Wellbutrin. If it does all these things to someone like me, why would he give me supreme s--t for getting wound up and drinking. He should have taken me off that crap in the first place. But, he's only seen me maybe 3 times this year and has no diagnosis for me, which really p-sses me off. How much evidence does he need to see I'm ptsd. I thought maybe I was borderline, but I'm rethinking that one. He said he was seeing me as a favor to my T and blah, blah, blah. I'm really confused.

I'm so frustrated right now with the whole lot of them. If I could afford it I would get a psychologist for regular visits and maybe better treatment. I don't feel like seeing my T Monday for fear he'll jump on me too. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but that tongue lashing from my pdoc has really upset me. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, I'm very depressed and I'm on the verge of tears every day. He doesn't have to see me if I'm "too difficult" for him and I'm going to tell him that.

Why only three times this year? If you are struggling you should see your Pdoc at minimum every two months. I see mine once a month after a med change until everything is in the clear, and I saw her every two weeks when I was in crisis.

I have an APRN for a Pdoc, I'm not sure if that makes a difference. I know my insurance prefers it that way. She is supervised by a psychiatrist, but she is so good that I would rather see her than her boss.

I was lucky to get him at all. And I'm lucky to have the T I have. I don't have any insurance, so I have to be happy with what I get. My T asked my pdoc to see me because he felt I needed a pdoc on an on-going basis. So, I saw him in May and then he went on vacation for a month and then I saw him twice after that. I may see him once a month from now on, I'm not really sure.

I know I need more sessions, at least until I'm stable, but that's not going to happen, so I have to suck it up and be thankful for what I have even if it isn't adequate. Oh f--k, whatever, that's the way my life has always been.

Oh, I am sorry you are struggling so much, but don't give up. When I was on Wellbutrin I didn't drink very much, I never have been one to drink much and I only drink white wine that's sweet and only a small glass or two. But the Wellbutrin did wind me up, it's interesting that doglover got wound up by it too. My therapist told me that the most liked AD used and prescribed to his PTSD patients is Zoloft.

Don't get discouraged, if you have an appointment with a T coming up keep the appointment and talk about the Wellbutrin and ask about possibly trying Zoloft instead.
You can even share what I have told you about the Wellbutrin not being helpful for PTSD and that my psychologist told me about that.

((Hugs))
OE