[JaneC]

I just get so fed up of this. Sunday afternoon and out of the blue I am tearful and thinking dark thoughts.....and I realise it all stems from(today at least) a deep sense of being alone.

I know it is stupid butI haveno one to share a Sunday with, and as ridiculous as it sounds it makes me think it would be easier to not be around anymore. I lose my sense of connection to my sonwhen he isnot with me, and feel desperately hopeless and alone.

So I take myself to an incredibly beautiful spot and it feels worse. :-(

Does anyone else relate? What do you do about it?

(how is it possible to feel so bad when I am here)

sent from mobile via tapatalk

[StillIRise]

I can relate, hugely.

I feel alone most of the time, whether I have my kids around me or not. They are great for grounding me at times but at other times I just feel so alone, as if there is a giant wall between me and everyone else.

I can be in a really beautiful spot like that and it just makes dying seem more appealing! I have no idea why either.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. I'll sit with you (virtually) and we can feel alone side by side.

[Teacake]

I can relate to being terribly hurt by beauty when you are apart from your child. I lost It in a supermarket over cherry tomatoes once. They were just so cheery. And I was far away from my little boy.

It is an old trick to look at the moon together each night. When you are apart you still have the habit of looking at the moon. You know the other is as well. So you are still on the same planet looking at the same sky. Not apart at all.

Skype works too.

I'm guessing the totally alone and unconnected feeling is a very young feeling. I don't even know anymore what they say to do about those. Some people can sit with them and bear the pain until It breaks and they feel relieved. Others seem to get lost or swamped. I think physical work or exercise eases It. Or visual art. I don't know what is safe for early trauma.

[JaneC]

It is as if the loneliness itself is a huge trigger to memories of being completely alone immediately after traumas took place. Like immediately after being raped, each time it happened, I was completely emotionally alone.

As for my son, he is only a phone call away at his fathers for half of each week.....not my ideal situation, but the best for him. Everything just seems harder to manage when he is not around because I lose focus on my motivator to keep on going.

I'm at work right now, doing a late shift. And it is frankly very triggering tonight with one client calling me horrible names(it is not his fault, he is paranoid schizophrenic, and needs constant support) but it is trying when already feeling bad.

I might go home early instead of working til 11.30. Hate to give in to this stuff though.

[MotownJohnny]

I think we all feel very alone at times. I can remember a couple of times in the past 2 years when I felt utterly alone, like I had no one save the dog to even be with me in the present, let alone be there emotionally. And I theoretically should be so ok with it, because I never was allowed friends or extended family, but I am not ok, I crave social relationships and being around good people.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)), I am sorry you are struggling with this challenge, I experience it myself and it is hard to know what to do with it. I was responding to a thread Mowtown posted and talked about how "alone" I was "for real" in my deposition. I have experienced many trauma's in my life where I was alone too.

It is important to remember that this "feeling alone" is something that challenges everyone on some level, it is just very magnified with the PTSD. When one takes the time to really talk and listen to different people, they often talk about being alone. So, it isn't really not normal to have this challenge and rarely talk about it.

It is good though that you are talking about it here, because others here do understand this challenge very intimately and while you do feel alone with this, you are not really out of the "norm". The "truth" is that all human beings have this challenge, even ones that may appear to have it all also deal with this challenge.

We are all working through this very big challenged that is labeled PTSD, the truth is, we are not alone with this challenge and we all need to be grateful that we can get help and support with this too, it must have been horrible before it was recognized.

It really does take time to work through this challenge and finally become "part of" the many who deal with this sense of "being alone" somehow. The "healing" is finally realizing this fact and making enough gains so that you can reach out to others in a new way, a way of being more a "part of" then you realize too. So much to learn about just being "human" and how this is the way all human beings are challenged and what each person does to try to "not" feel alone. Often if you really look at it, some people really buy into silly things like having to have some kind of "designer" thing to gain some kind of "approval" or sense of "worthiness" somehow. All that really is saying is how that person needs to be a part of something they have determined as a sign of worthiness and it can be so damn silly because of how these people "fall for the way whatever it is is marketed". Freedom, is sitting on that beach and just being a part of that part of nature that no one can really duplicate. Freedom is finally stepping back from the insanity of all the things people do to belong that take up so much precious time from just sitting on a beach and "experiencing life while you are living it". That "is" a pretty picture, and you were in it, touching the shores and hearing the water as it crept up on the beach taking some of it away and yet also pushing some of it up there too. It is important you remember to embrace that because so many others don't get that chance.

We don't have to really "own" anything you know, we can still enjoy so much that is simply there "to" enjoy.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

[Bluegrey]

(((Jane)))

I think I understand something of how you feel. Being alone - truly alone - is so hard. I don't really know what to say but maybe it might help knowing that we are here online.


Bluegrey

[JaneC]

Thank you for empathising with me. I know I am being a whiney child at time, and feel like a complainer, I try not to.

Such a shame that the picture didn't truly portray the gorgeous colours of the spot I was in, my phone needs replacing, I dropped it in the ocean briefly a while back and the camera is a bit rubbish now!

Yes, I am aware that I am not unique in experiencing loneliness....it is part of the human condition I guess from time to time. I guess what I was referring to was that loneliness itself seems to be a trigger for me to historical memories and feelings that I don't really want to feel and experience. It seems to trigger deeper pain than that of being alone itself.

OE, this concept..... "The "healing" is finally realizing this fact and making enough gains so that you can reach out to others in a new way, a way of being more a "part of" then you realize too. So much to learn about just being "human" and how this is the way all human beings are challenged and what each person does to try to "not" feel alone." .....confused me a little. Are you saying I am not good at belonging? And being human because of that? I guess that is how I read it and I suppose it is true sometimes, often, I don't really belong.

I am not good at expressing myself clearly sometimes, I guess.

Take care all

[Open Eyes]

No, I didn't really mean it that way. What I have learned myself is how to look at other's differently than I had before, also to look at myself in a different way too. I am still healing, still have boughts of lonliness in a different way than I have ever before.

I can relate to how the "being alone" is a trigger, I have that challenge myself, but, not as bad as I had. It is a different kind of "lonliness that comes with PTSD".

((Hugs))
OE

[Bluegrey]

Loneliness being a trigger - I think you've put your finger on it. Being alone is one thing, but alone-ness can be something more. (((Jane)))


Bluegrey

[Teacake]

Jane, you are very expressive. You are trying to express the most painful experience a Human can have--being alone as a young child-not is difficult to express because It is difficult to experie.ce. all of us have experienced It for at least an instant--we same hungry infancy and mom is in the ahower Fonsi.g ao quickly she comes out cold and tasting of shampo. Some of us were raised with "poisonous pedagogo" ie "let the baby cry herself to sleep or she will be spoiled". Some were lneglected, abandoned, orphaned. All of us now some degree of childhood abandonment and it is so painful none of us want to remember It. All our psychological defenses come I.to play. So...a sensitive articulate person wis describe that feeling of deep despairing earth shatteri.g loneliness and we go blank, dull, stupid, get busy, Hawk, tell you Its notgood for you to ruminate, Scott, belittle, shame, mock, get angry or fall asleep. hen of ciudad you feel like a bad child, because you have dared to come to the heart of the natter, for all of us. And no one wants to remember. It hurts too much. Better to make margaritas and sing or go bomb a un building where children sleep. This is the **** of the world, our exquisite sensitivity and our total dependence and vulnerability in childhood. It needs to be talked about, our Human condition, but It is difficult because it is painful.

Perhaps reminders of your connection with your child can help.

[Open Eyes]

" Are you saying I am not good at belonging? And being human because of that? I guess that is how I read it and I suppose it is true sometimes, often, I don't really belong." quote Jane

I was very tired when I responded to this question last night, had a long day working. I wanted to think about it more, because I don't want you to think that you just can't be "a part of" somehow.

Not feeling a part of is normal to human nature. It is because of this feeling that we are so maleable and try to do things that are considered "a must to be part of". If a person spends so much time trying to "must do in order to be a part of", then that person will experience "stress" whenever they feel they fail to keep up with some kind of standard that goes along with "do this or accomplish this and you are worthy".

If you consider different cultural traditions in human nature that are or were practiced in order to "be worthy", some of these practices were very strange. To wrap one's skull from infancy in order to change the skull to purposly deform it was considered a must to prove worthiness. Well, not only was that "crazy" but it was "crazy" that so many in that time and culture followed along with it deforming their infants and themselves. When Chinese women wrapped their feet to make them small and deformed, so much so that they could not walk, that was "crazy" and it's so hard to see that women "thought" it was something they needed to do in order to be "worthy". Oh, there are so many examples of how different cultures within humanity practiced and believed in things that were so strange Jane, for the sake of belonging and feeling worthy, yes it's just incredible.

If one struggles with some life challenges where that person was "traumatized" in some way, by what standard does that person "judge self worth"? Who or what was the "threat" that came into one's life that challenged so much that it was "traumatic"?

It takes time Jane to review the things in our past and in the now that create "stress" in each of us. If a relationship did not work out, was it really "your fault"? The answer to that question is "no" and what really took place is that the other person, for whatever reason in their own history, did not recognize "your needs" and only focused on their own needs. That is typical to human nature Jane.

It is my understanding that you work with individuals that are challenged in some way.
When you meet these individuals, you may be able to recognize certain symptoms that might express that person's unique labeled challenge, but you do not really know that person's "history". Without a person's history, how can one "care enough"? And how can one care enough if they were not taught how to care enough? If you were hurt by a person who was never taught how to "care enough" did or does that ever mean you are the one who is "unworthy"?

When working through what is called "complex PTSD", it is important to "gradually" allow one's self to slowly look beyond one's own fears/hurts/lonliness/stress and view the different individuals that were also present in one's life too. It isn't just that different individuals were not "there" for you, it is allowing one's self to understand "why" this was so, because there are always reasons, and most of these reasons have nothing to do with one's worthiness.

If you visit a beautiful beach and are very alone and confused, you can be just as bad if not worse off if you visit a beautiful beach with others that don't know how to "enjoy you or that beach" in a healthy way. When someone experiences "PTSD or complex PTSD" that person often wishes they could "just igonore, not dwell, forget, get over" like they used to do. But, what that person really did was learn to ignore things that were just not "healthy" for them somehow. In the culture where individuals purposely deformed themselves, they all believed it was right and a must do in order to be part of, when in reality it was not a "healthy" thing to do. If an individual doesn't go along with that pattern, is that individual "unworthy or crazy"?

IMHO, what makes life hard is when a person believes they have to "follow" along in order to live life right. If a person has a life experience where they are trapped with a person who is intrusive in some way, they do whatever they can to "survive" that situation and finally get away from the person who is threatening them, it doesn't matter exactly how they did it, what matters is "that person survived" that bad situation. And if that person looks back on that and sees the warning signs they missed, it doesn't have to mean they "failed" somehow.

Jane, when we view others who "seem to" have the good life, we are only seeing what they want us to see, it is like that for everyone. If we could be a fly on the wall behind what we see out in public view, oh how we would see something very different.

I have sat with my therapist in shock with the things I was experiencing and how I have come across so many different people who have shocked me in the ways they behaved.
My therapist said, "yes, people really do crazy things" and he has shared some of the terrible things people he has treated have experienced in their lives (in general without identifying these individuals of course). People who have a public persona of "balance" when in reality there is a great deal of "bad" that person has dealt with in their lives.

Therapists hear things constantly that are very hard to hear, I don't know how they do that. My therapist told me that it took him time to learn "how" to listen to others that have "horrible things" they are dealing with and have patience to "listen and help them learn how to help themselves" because often he wanted to "rescue them" and do more and "fix". He told me that sometimes patients don't make much sense when they are all confused, but he is "patient" with them as they are often struggling so much to make sense of their challenges. After a while, when he just listens, his patients slowly begin to make more sense, why?, because these patients are typically not exposed to other individuals that ever really "listened" to them.

My therapist told me that often he wishes that he video taped his PTSD patients from when they first present to him, verses later on when they have made gains and are in more control of themselves. These patients may still struggle greatly, however, the gains they have made in therapy are very visible and his patients begin to do much better at verbalizing their challenges and show a lot less "desperation" then they had when first meeting with him. I do remember when I was very bad myself tbh, my mind was racing and I felt very hurried to try to get him to a point where he had enough of my history where he could see how very "overwhelmed" I really was.

When I say that you are more "a part of" than you realize and that after a while in your own healing process you will slowly begin to realize that and see others in a different way, it was not meant as a criticism or to imply you have ever been wrong about, or unworthy of, or bad in any way. It is that your "disconnect" is more "normal" than you realize and that there are "many" that go along with, yet in their own way are disconnected from. Many people walk on a beautiful beach at some point and are so challenged with "life" they cannot seem to "enjoy" the true beauty of that beach. In that you are more "a part of" being humanly normal than you realize right now.

One day I went to a therapy session and my T had forgotten to make it a point in my last session to make sure I knew he was scheduling me earlier than normal because he had a doctor's appointment. So, I arrived at my normal time and was waiting and he opened his door and was leaving. I was triggered because I did not understand what was taking place, but managed to keep my cool. Then my therapist explained that I was supposed to have my appointment earlier because he was going to the doctor to have a lump biopsied to see if it was cancerous. My therapist is a cancer survivor, which I had not known. I stopped thinking about myself, and realized that he must be so scared. He "was" scared and had not shared that deep fear with his family, and in that moment I could see how very "alone" and frightened he was. I gave him a hug and recognized his fear with him in that moment, and I was grateful that I had been able to do that with him as he really "needed" that hug and for someone to recognize his fear right then as he was "afraid" of what may come from that visit he was heading to all by himself. In that moment, whatever I had shared with him, however I was "not right somehow", did not matter at all, he was "grateful" to have my hug and comfort so he did not have to feel "so alone". It doesn't matter "what I failed at, how I struggled, what may not have been right about me at all", in that moment, I was "a part of" because he needed to have a hug and not feel so alone that day. So, because I do know "fear and being alone", I was able to see that need in him, the rest did not really matter, what mattered was one human seeing a "genuine need in another human".

A lot of people don't know "how" see a need and reach out.
There are lots of times we all experience this challenge. Just as there are lots of people "who need" and don't know how to ask for help or comfort too. There is a lot of "challenge" with that in "human nature".

((Caring, Understanding Hugs))
OE

[JadeAmethyst]