[Silent_Tears_17]

So, I know this sounds vague and stupid.
Im 19. My relationships with men go like this:
I give them respect and obedience because I'm supposed to. I do what I'm told. They're in positions of power (men in my family, community). Sometimes a little abusive but not really.

Then there are my peers. Those are more complicated. Usually avoid men, but if I do interact it's usually argumentative. They're always in control and although I don't always do what I'm told, I often do. These relationships usually involve sexual harassment or abuse of some kinds.
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So. I met this boy at my school. I've know him for two plus years now. I like him. He is really nice. He is nice to me, and to everyone. He cares about me, but none of this is in a sexual or romantic way. This is good.
But I seriously don't know how to act. It's always super uncomfortable. I have to repeatedly remind myself that he isn't going to hurt me but I never completely believe myself. He has never been anything but amazing, seriously. But as I have more triggers, flash backs it has gotten worse.

His presence alone triggers me. He is a man with whom I have a relationship. I can only name one other in which there wasn't abuse of any kind and that relationship fell to shreds because he couldn't deal with all my emotional issues. So, no successful relationships either. The issues were almost always considered my fault. And most included some sexual abuse, never mind emotional, verbal abuse.

Adding this on top of abandonment issues, familial abuse, and my current MDD, PTSD, and eating disorder diagnoses I seriously don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say. I feel like sometimes I'm rude.
But I don't want to come off too nice like I'm flirting. But I don't want to be mean either. And I don't know how to read his emotions because all mine are getting in the way. I don't know when he is teasing or when I am really annoying him.
And I don't know how to ask him if my behavior is appropriate. And I'm pretty sure asking the question isn't really socially appropriate either.

But he is so nice. And I don't have many friends. And since men make up 50% of the population it is probably not wise to be afraid of and avoiding men for the rest of my life.

But I don't know what to do. And then I get flustered. And that makes things worse because if I was dissociating and uncomfortable to begin with - this just added insult to injury.

I don't know how to interact socially with a group of my peers. I have never done it. I don't feel comfortable doing it. And even today, I spent a bunch of time cleaning. I know how to clean. And I was more comfortable doing that. Plus I felt like I needed to provide something. If I didn't provide something they wouldn't want me to come back.
I just don't know what to do. Seriously. I know it's stupid and this is a long rambling post and I apologize, but I'm really embarrassed to ask anyone in person. I'm 19 and a senior in college and I present to the world really well (gotta love acting experience) but I don't know how to be a good friend. Or at least how not to be a bad one. And what to do and how.

[phénix_zzz]

I'm not the best person to give advice on how to act around men... or at least men that you are interested in and would date, could date, but aren't sure about anything related to dating. As for learning to trust men again... one of the best things that helped me was by accident. I was paired with a male trauma therapist. I freaked at first, but in that therapy relationship I found that there really were decent men out there who could listen, learn, love, respect, and feel. I learn that I could trust a guy with my story and he wouldn't hurt me. Very, very different scenario... but it did help.

Maybe that's a place to start? Work with someone who you can always "fire" if it's not going well - low stakes, no need to see the person in your personal world - but someone who is male and can help you learn to trust men again? And more importantly, trust yourself around men??

No idea if that would help... but I read your post and wanted to let you know that you're not alone. And you are SO not alone in being that person who presents very, very well but is falling apart inside.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Thanks so much.
I don't want to date him at all. I want to be friends and nothing more. I can't date. I'm way too triggered and way to emotionally vulnerable and unready. I am still learning to start to trust, to interact with people, to make friends.
But I don't want to screw it all up. Like do I try to talk to him about it? Do I ask him or do I just do my best and go from there?

Cuz all the options seem hopelessly stupid and embarrassing. I feel like I'm a 4 year old needing a lesson on how to play nice with the kids in the sand box.
But thanks for the reply. I really appreciate the support.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you are acting "passive/agressive" with men and that results in not having productive relationships. If you are nice to them one minute and then on the more aggresive side the next, men don't get that and tend to react poorly.

It is hard to know what to say further because a lot depends of the "culture" you are in too.

Also, if you are dating guys your age, they are not going to understand what a healthy relationship is either. Men in their late teens and 20's are just trying to find themselves, and their hormone levels are in high gear as well. They are no where near ready to lead some female into "bliss", they are way too imature for that. Obey? well, while some cultures teach women to obey, that is not really how a healthy relationship forms.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Thanks. I probably am.
I usually act such that men don't want to interact with me. Which for me is great. If they don't interact with me then I'm much less likely to be sexually harassed or assaulted.
Problem is, he isn't doing that. And I don't know even if I'm doing it or how and when. But I am sure I am. I know it's not him, and yet I am afraid of all men. And he is a man.

But I want to be a good friends. I don't know how to do that with women - but I am learning. I try really hard to be a good friend but I am still having to learn when I'm being really nice and being used and when I am not interacting properly. I am really guarded. I don't usually want to let people in at all. But I also want friends because being alone sucks.
I have asked peers for help with this in the past. Usually that gets me into abusive relationships that i am told are normal and just get used. I seriously wish i could take a class on all this - but not really.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, at your age of 19, most of your peirs are looking for approval and are finding their way just like you. When you ask advice from your piers, they are not really going to have that much knowledge and typically what happens is they too are looking for some kind of mentor that they can learn from too. The term "user" could really be applied to just about any of your piers too, because that is what your age group does, they explore "with" others and tend to want to be around others that are braver at exploring.

Typically at your age group what happens is that individuals group together that have similar likes or activities they like to participate in. If you don't have anything that drives you or that you have passions about, and are waiting to connect with someone else that can carry you along somehow, you won't have much luck and could end up just servicing someone else and being "used", that is typically what happens.

You are much better off taking time to get involved with different activities/groups where you can learn things and develop yourself. A lot of teens seem to think "here I am ready for friends come be my friend", but never really developed themselves so what do they really have to offer?

School only teaches us "how to learn" and we develop over time and from what we keep learning overall. At 19 most think they are supposed to "be ready", but the truth is, they are not ready at all. High school is merely a hill, not a mountain that would be what really cultivates a young mind.

It never ceases to amaze me how many your age and early 20's think they should be much more accomplished socially then they are. Most people who are older always wish they knew in these young years what they now know. The truth is, the reason they feel that way is because they have experienced more things in their lives, so, they have a better understanding of all the things you are wondering about.

You do have the internet so you can look things up too. Also what else are you doing right now?

[Silent_Tears_17]

Yes, I have internet. And in general what am I doing, or specifically right now. Because specifically, i am procrastinating on homework and in group chat. Generally, not completely sure.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, well you have PTSD and it is typical to be hesitant and confused for a while. It took me a while to understand it myself so it's normal to need to go slowly for a while.