Survivor's Guilt

Have you lost two brothers?

Yes. One was 38 and the other one died five years later. He was 42.

((( EJ )))

Petunia,

I'm so sorry that you have lost two brothers.

My brother was also 38 when he died. He was my only sibling.

Do you have others?

Love,

EJ

Petunia,

I just saw another of your posts.

It is not your fault that you grew up where you did.

You must be a very strong person to have survived all that.

((((Petunia))))



EJ

((( EJ )))

Thank you for saying that. I did feel that I was strong most times, because I was able to handle a lot without cracking.

When I got to the point where the wall of denial crashed and I had to face all of it, I beat the crap out of myself for being so "weak" because I couldn't handle it anymore.

I felt like a failure for not being able to swallow my tears anymore.

But now I understand that I wasn't weak at all, and that it takes a helluva lot more strength to face it all and cry, then to stuff it and deny.

I had to have been a strong child to have endured that and come out of it somewhat intact and standing.

I did want to add that my perception of "what a child is" can be totally messed up most times.

Somehow I look at myself at 10 as being older. When I think back to when my father died, I am always torn between feeling like I was just a little kid to feeling like my childhood ended that day.

Seeing people shooting up became "normal" for me at a young age. I knew street drugs by name, knew what cops would arrest you and which ones would give you a break. I was drinking at age twelve, drugs at thirteen. I had already been abused by "friends" of my mother so all the sex taking place in front of me was no biggie.

When I was just starting in therapy, I was having a hard time cutting myself some slack for not being able to stop my brothers from overdosing all the time etc. T kept trying to tell me I was "just a little kid." I couldn't see it. I felt older.

One day I was having my hair cut and I was watching a little girl as she sang and danced, practiced her cheerleading. She was having FUN. I couldn't figure out how old she was. My best guess what eight or nine.

I asked and her mother told me she had just turned eleven.

I almost fell out of my chair. I had no idea eleven was so young. At first I thought maybe she had a learning disability because she was so "young for her age." Then I paid attention to other kids and learned I was wrong.

Anyway, that's why I said "I had to have been a strong child to have endured that and come out of it somewhat intact and standing" because I have FINALLY realized that I really was just a little kid.

(((((((Petunia))))))))))

((( Jax )))

Thanks for being here.

Oh Pet!

How I wish I was there to sit on the pews with you. How I wish I could help more and take the pain away from you and release it to the heavens.

I am so sorry you lost your brothers in horrible ways, but I am so glad you are still here. I know you feel guilty, but you do so much good, shed so much sunshine in dark and sad places. My life, and those of the others here, is enriched because you are here and I thank you for that.

Gentle hugs,

Jan

My life, and those of the others here, is enriched because you are here and I thank you for that.

I am speechless.

How I wish I was there to sit on the pews with you.

That was one of the most difficult times of my life, looking at him and realizing he'd be next as well as him realizing that I would be alone. He faked a coughing spell and left the church to go outside and regroup, that's how palpable the pain was. I have often tried to write about that day, but it's too painful. I cry as I write this. I miss him.

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Petunia said:
My life, and those of the others here, is enriched because you are here and I thank you for that.

I am speechless.

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I agree with that.

(((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))

((( Christina )))

That's so sweet of you.

It's hard for me to absorb the positive and my first reaction is "who the hell are you talking about...I'm an imposter."

I'm afraid T will die. Stirring up all the old stuff.

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Petunia said:
It's hard for me to absorb the positive and my first reaction is "who the hell are you talking about...I'm an imposter."

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Meeeeee too.

((((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))) take care of yourself. Your T being this sick has got to be very hard, but try not to think about what COULD happen. I hope she gets better.

Petunia,

I must have missed a post.

Is your T in the hospital?

((((((Petunia))))))

EJ

Petunia,

I had a really hectic week, and just got a chance to read your posts on 4/17 and 4/19.

I'm sorry it's been hard for you to learn and see just how strong you were and are.

My adopted daughter grew up in a very similar environment to the one you described. As the oldest daughter she felt she HAD to be strong, and hold things together that an adult couldn't be expected to hold together.

((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))

I wish there were more I could do to help you see what an incredible job you did as a child trying to keep people safe, who were acting in unsafe ways. I wish I could help you to see what a wonderful person you are.

Hugs,

EJ

As the oldest daughter she felt she HAD to be strong

Yes. T points this out to me all the time that in my world it was upside down.

I was the youngest in the family taking care of and insuring the safety of my three junkie brothers and a widowed, 38-year-old alcoholic mother because, at ten and eleven, I was the only sober one.

She always points out, "You were just a little girl. THEY were the adults. No little kid should have to witness it or handle it. Little girls shouldn't know how to shoot-up or know the warning signs of an overdose."

And yes, my T is sick. She was treated a year ago for an aggressive tumor in her leg. It has come back and she underwent surgery and treatment recently.

(((( EJ ))))

Thank you for your support.

(((((hugs for the blinky flower)))))

I'm so very sorry you are struggling so Tunia.

I can't seem to get thoguhts together right..... thoughts that would be of help to you.

I wanted you to know that I'm listening and I care very much. just wish I knew more that I could say........ you deserve all that is wonderful, peaceful and loving.

Tunia--

mandy

Thanks _Sky.

Mandy

Petunia,

As the youngest child and girl, your story is even MORE remarkable.

You really should bear no shame, but how understandable it would be for you to feel that, as a result of what you lived through and SURVIVED. You really should bear no responsibility. At your young age you were thrown into a AWFUL situation through no fault of your own. You were a heroine for doing your best to care for your weaker family members.

((((((Petunia))))))

Love,

EJ

April 28th is the anniversary of my "middle" brother's death. He's the one that died of an overdose. The lead up to these anniveraries is always worse than the actual day, so "it" will be over soon.

((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))) Yes, Understand the "lead up to." It is the same for me though I'm unsure why. I hope the time goes quickly and you have peace soon.