Terrified of me

The diagnosis of PTSD is new to me, but PTSD is certainly not new. I was abused as a child and as a teenager and I live in terror everyday. My first complete memory of life is at 11. Everything else in life is in fragments. Of the trauma, I see the surroundings, feel the pain and hear the sounds. The worst part is I cant remember the faces, even the faces of ppl who loved me. It is this that tears me apart the most. i have begun scratching myself in my sleep, the dissociation, i have long lost my battle with that.

I get up every morning and feel exhausted. Im writing this and every piece of me wants to go back to bed. The physical pain, somatization is terrible. I need better professional help, I need a lot. every day is a struggle and right now I just no longer know what to do. I also been diagnosed with boderline personality disorder. My family doesnt understand and I have become isolated. Never have I felt so alone, vulnerable and scared.

That's a very heavy load there that you have been carrying. After a history like that, it's hard to change. Trusting people is hard, and dissociating becomes habit. If you could learn how to live without being scared and anxious and traumatized, etc., you could get a lot more out of life in the present, but it's easier said than done. Do you have a therapist? Preferably, one with experience treating trauma. Dissociative disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder are trauma-related also, and have a lot of symtoms in common with PTSD. I guess it doesn't so much matter which dx is assigned to you as that you and your T, and the peope around you too, can recognize that you are a trauma survivor, and that those wounds affect your approach to life at a very fundamental level.

With treatment, it really can get better. It's a long, hard road, but you have been strong enough to make it this far. Just take one step at a time and keep on going, and you'll make it.

Rap

Sherryanne
i am sorry that you are feeling such pain. May be if you can reach out and talk to someone such as a friend you may not feel so alone. BPD and PTSD are very hard dx to deal with. Is your T any support? May be there is a support group you can joiin to make you not feel so alone.

First of all thank you for your responses. Its really great to have someone understand or whatever. I live in a really small country so mental health services leave alot to be desired.

I have a therapist who has been the world to me and has really kept me off the edge of the cliff. Unfortunately she does not specialize in trauma, or somatoform disorders and is pretty young. Ive done the meds and all that and while I am no longer suicidal and seem to be able to moderately function, I still hope for much more. As far as outside support goes, the internet is the only place I can find it. There are no support groups available, and ppl with mental health issues are outcasts.

The few people I still talk to, basically run away if I bring up any of this stuff and I jus wish that I had someone I could call upon any time, and maybe tell me what it is to get better, what to expect, wat to do. Jus not easy if you know what I mean. But really thank you for your responses

Hi Sherryanne,

Welcome to PC. Sounds like you're having a rough time of it.

Just wanted you to know that PC is 24/7. There are a lot of great people here who will listen and not run away. They will reach out.

We might not have all the answers but you'll be able to read about other people's similar experiences and maybe find something that will help you, or at least make you feel that others understand. That in itself can be helpful.

Take care,

Petunia

My T says that most family members just don't get it, they just can't understand PTSD... I'm sorry your family is part of that. PTSD is a beast. You'll find many members here that totally understand you! TC