I am terrified............................... ...................................

I am soo terrified please help me. I feel so much inside and I do not know what to do. Too many voices, I am too little. I do not understand what is happening. I am trying here and it is almost too much. Too many memories and it hurts me. I am afraid to tell but I need to. Part of me is running for the delete button, part of me is screaming NO. I am fighting inside. I do not understand reaching out. I do not understand being heard. I do not understand safety. Someone tells me it is okay but inside and out it hurts. It hurts to be silent. It hurts to be heard. They said they would know. They said do not tell. How long can one keep it inside? It is all tearing me apart. Because I want to trust but I do not know how. I try and I try but it just gets worse. I fear I have not said anything here and yet I have said it all. I am soo afraid. I am sooo afraid.

purplesecrets

(((((((((( purplesecrets )))))))))))

You've been very brave today.

We understand the fear, the loudness inside our brains, needing to reach out and fearing what we know can happen for doing so.

We understand. you take baby steps and we'll be here holding your hand through it as we can.

KD

I know it's hard to not understand the concept even of safety.

Just remember, this is online...no one can hurt you here...well, not more than our feelings on occasion. But we hope that never even happens.

Welcome and I'm glad you're here.

KD

I'm reaching out to you dear purplesecrets. I know it's been hard for you and the others. Please know that I care and I respect all that you are going through. If you can reach out, that's fine, and if you can't, then I'm reaching all the way with my hand to help you know that I care and I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.

*Gentle thoughts and hugs*
J

(((((((((((((((((((((((purplesecrets)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know how scary it can be and how loud the voices can be. I am here if you want someone to sit quietly with you. We will be here when you are ready. Take care.

BB

Kimmydawn--

Thank you for your words and for your encouragement. You mean alot to me. I do not know where to go from here as I am afraid to reach. But I am trying and with your encouragement I will try. It took all I had to reach and I am barely standing right now. I fear fear itself. It is giant next to this mind that is little. I do not feel myself but fragments of so many. So many eyes are watching as I dare to step out from somewhere deep inside where we have been hiding for so long. I need help and I guess that is the first step. I am very scared more so than anyone knows. But I am trying. There is so much inside but how do I say what I need so desperately to say, what has been hidden for a lifetime. I am terrified of rejection and of what lies inside. Thank you again for all you did for me today.

purplesecrets

sabau2--

Thank you so much for your words, for your encouragement, and for you hope for me. I know you are there and I am reaching for you. I am so scared. Thank you for being there for all of us. This is so hard but I am trying sabau2. I want the help and I want to reach out, this is all new territory for me and everyone inside. No one knows the terror we have. The need to run right now and hide like never before. The caos I feel of everyone that is behind my eyes. The pressure upon my head of what have I done. The idea that there are people who could actually care about us is so foreign. That there are safe people out here, we never knew. Thank you again and you know how we feel. Thank you for hanging on while I find the strength to hold on myself.

purplesecrets

bipolar bear--

Thank you so much for your support. I would like very much if you would sit with me. I am very scared but I am trying. The voices are overwhelming right now and I know they are just as scared as I am. I am reaching out the only way I know how. Your kindness goes beyond my understanding but it washes over me with evey tear I cry as I read your kind words. Words that we have not heard much. To think that someone who does not even know me would offer to sit with me means more than you could know. Thank you again.

purplesecrets

((((((((((((purplesecrets)))))))))))))

I so understand the fear. It's the only emotion often that I can recognize. It's hard. My T has helped me so much to feel safe enough to be able to reach out, at least to her... sometimes. Glad to hear you are hanging in there and reaching out. We are here to listen.

wanttoheal--

Thank you for your kindness. Yes the fear is paralyzing me and I am so scared to move, but I am taking a baby step. Fear is often the only thing I can feel. I am reaching but I feel as though I am falling. Thank you for listening for reaching.

purplesecrets

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Fear is often the only thing I can feel.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What a sad, but real, existence for many of us at one time or another. We have such a hard time with feelings anyhow...

Fear is one thing we KNOW is real, yes? It's known as real, can't be felt, depended on to happen, waited for with anticipation and anxiety, is consistent throughout even the most parted of our minds, and almost missed when it's not present because it's comfortable.

Wow, how powerful that sentence...

I'm sorry for such real fear...for you, for all of us.

KD

kimmydawn--

Fear is so real to so many that it is paralizing at times. Here in real life for me, I have people telling me all the time that fear is false evidence appearing real. It angers me becaus eit takes away the validation I so need.

The people here that are telling me this have never gone through what many of us have gone through. The fear I know stops you in your tracks, laughs at you because it can, and pierces your very being.

I am not allowed here to talk at all about anything from the past as it is said that there is nothing that can be done and that it does no good to talk about it. I have been given cards with verses on them to say anytime a memory comes.

So fear of fear itself is very real for me. I am afraid of being afraid and letting anyone know that I am, because I would get in trouble. So I hide anything I feel and I never tell anyone.

Another secret. That is so much where everything started secrets. And I feel that the abuse goes on and on because there are so many secrets again. I live inside with many others because living outside is too dangerous. I come out at night when I know no one will come.

Silence as all day I only talk to myself so that no one knows. Only inside where there are us's and we's does anyone dare to feel. So when I come here and quietly let out what is inside--the fear takes the first and foremost place.

It is only here that it is safe to say how scared we are. And I get afraid that just like out here in my world, I will get in trouble for saying what is eating me alive--fear.

I do not know if I have made any sense. I so need to make sense. I want to make sense. I am afraid of what I feel so intensely itself--fear. Sometimes I am so tired at the end of the day and I have not said a word to anyone--just myself--my head.

I fear fear itself. And it just gets bigger and bigger inside. But this I hide and it eats me alive. Everyone is scared here. Scared to push the send button but scared to push the delete button. We need someone to know.

purplesecrets

((((((((( purplesecrets )))))))))

Your post struck me to the core. I know the fear of the all consuming fear. I know what it is to hide the fear while it eats you alive inside. I know what it is to feel I could never speak of it. I used to call it "The Monster". I was so bad I couldn't even read the word "panic" without becoming sick and having a panic attack on top of all the fear I already had.

I want you to know there is hope. There is peace out there to be gained. I think you are very, very brave to post. Look what a giant step you have taken. I am so proud of you for being so brave. Yes, brave! It takes bravery to reach out when you're terrified.

I shall be happy to sit with you, too.

Gentle and safe hugs,

Jan

January--

Thank you. I would like very much if you would sit with me. I am about to go over the edge tonight. I feel so afraid but I cannot tell of what. I want to run, I need to hurt to bring the pain from the inside to the out. I am really struggling and I am so afraid. Thank you for your kind words. I just need someone to know.

purplesecrets

(((((((((((((((((((purplesecrets)))))))))))))))))))))))))) We are here and we care. Sometimes it is nice just to know someone is there. Soemtimes it helps us not to feel so afraid. Take care.

BB