terrified and can't get over it

my company recently moved into a new office building still under construction........ the first day i noticed one of the workmen and found myself super attracted to him. he came up to me and introduced himself that same day (was very friendly and i got a great vibe from him), and we chatted a few times afterward. but i couldn't bring myself to approach him & talk if our paths didn't directly cross, and now he never comes and talks to me anymore and it makes me sad, and i wish i knew why. but i have no self esteem & zero nerve to approach him. all that goes through my head is: "this guy is good-looking, and surely younger than you, what would he possibly want with you? you're not young enough, not pretty enough, not intersting enough.... you'll only make a fool of yourself so don't even bother."

i recently confessed my crush to a coworker (a very kind and smart woman). she told me i should just give him my number, say "give me a call sometime", and walk away, that men often don't realize a woman is interested if she isn't direct about it. she says he probably stopped talking to me because I stopped talking to HIM and he figured i wasn't interested. she told me that i am beautiful and worthy of love and that i need to realize it (apparently he walked by a little ways away while she was talking to me, she said he was looking at me but how do i know she wasn't just trying to be encouraging?). but i feel like, its easy for her to say these things - it's not her feelings on the line.

sorry this post is so long, i'll get to the point.... i am devoid of self esteem and absolutely terrified of rejection. i have sabotaged every decent relationship i have had to this point. i know its idiotic but anytime a man treats me well i can't deal with it. i have broken up with men for telling me i was pretty too often, for being too nice, for so many stupid reasons. and no matter how good a man is to me, it is always in the back of my mind: "this person is going to hurt me eventually". and it is also always in my mind that i don't deserve a healthy, happy relationship, so i cling to the men who dont treat me well. and while i know on some level that this is ridiculous, i can't seem to get over it. i try but its so hard!

i'm 34 and i'm terrified that i'm going to be alone the rest of my life. i am so attracted to this guy and i long so much to just talk to him, try to get to know him...... and i want to believe that maybe he is interested....but i can't bring myself to go up to him. i'm just so afraid of being rejected. good lord, what is wrong with me? i think i've driven myself crazy.....

(((bella)))

The bigger the risk, the greater the reward. He wouldn't have introduced himself and started to talk to you if he wasn't interested. I'm sure you are a beautiful and kind person, and you deserve good things. You should do what your co-worker says.. just casually give him your number and ask him to call. Just keep it brief and walk away after. He probably did think you weren't interested so he backed off. I know it's hard.. people do get hurt, and sometimes people are cruel and don't care who they hurt, but it's worth the risk to not be alone forever, don't you think? It doesn't have to be totally serious right away, either. If he is interested you can go on some casual dates, or something. People wouldn't compliment you if they didn't mean it, so try not to push people away for that.. I know it's hard, but it's worth it when you find someone who will love you.

(((bella)))

so sorry you feel this way. I think also that your coworker is right- think about it, or even just say Hi and smile next time you see him. The worst that can happen if you give him your number is that he may choose not to call, but he certainly will not call if you don't give him your number :-)

Hi there -- I agree with nothing risked, nothing gained. I would not give my home number, because I am super-cautious. I have given my work number, and one time I was very glad that I did, because the guy I met casually on the street while walking my dog turned out to be a jerk. There were plenty of male coworkers around to offer support.

I would suggest meeting for coffee at a public location, preferably in daylight, such as on Saturday. If he isn't available on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, could be a sign that he already has a gf.

His talking to you may be a sign of interest, but it could also be a sign that he's a friendly guy, or even that he's a flirt looking for another notch on his bedpost.

Good luck with this. It's well worth exploring. BTW, there's a good book about facing our terrors -- Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

thank you all for your replies and suggestions........

(((((((asylum))))))))
(((((((meander)))))))
(((((((wants2fly)))))))

i saw him today and started talking to him..... we chatted for a bit and i was hopeful...... then he said something that made me think he probably has a gf. nothing that made me think he was trying to hide having one, really, just a little joke he made that made me think he probably does. my coworker of course says the remark doesn't necessarily mean that he has a gf and say i should just ask him.... call me a yellow-bellied coward but i can't bring myself to be that bold........ i've been single for a year anyway, and i don't want to feel like a fool. i'll still talk to him and hopefully in the course of that i'll find out more....... i do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice though...... and i'll update if things progress.....

p.s. w2f, i will have to check out that book. my total lack of self-esteem is unbelievable even to me. it's hard to reverse a lifetime of negative self image all on your own........

I have used Feel the Fear as a kind of handbook at one time in my life.