[Patagonia]

Trigger warning.

I'm lost. I've been lost since I was diagnosed w/PTSD & DDNOS 3 yrs ago. Also have MDD & have been in this last depression almost 4 yrs.
No luck w/meds.
Left T 2 months ago.
Married. 20 yrs. 3 young kids. One in T. House is very tense.
No job & not really employable. No assets.

I wanto leave. I want out of my marriage & to leave my family. I know that sounds horrid but I'm trying to b very honest. I just wanto run away from it all. I kno I'm not a good mom or wife & I'm doing damage by staying. I've looked into some extreme things to get me out of this marriage. Not good.

I'm also cheating on my Husband (please no bashing I have enough guilt). No, the other party cannot help me. I'd be on my own.

I'm scared to death to think like this but I feel like I'm drowning. If I go back to my old lifestyle I know it'll kill me.
I do very little. The absolute bare minimum at home. I'm horrible. I don't wanto DO anything. I enjoy nothing! I can't seem to get out of this pit. I try & change my habits which work for 3-4 days then it crashes.

I don't wanto die. I've been suicidal all my life. I don't wanto start down that path. I wanto finally find some happiness for me, but know that'll come w/ a great price & hurt many people. I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd really like someone to say, "Patagonia, do A, B & C & that'll work." Yeah funny I know. I get frozen when it comes to making decisions. I can't think or plan more than a wk out. I don't see the use of it.
In the mean time I just see my life slipping thru my fingers.
Do you have any light you can shine down this path to help me?
Thank you,
Pat

[Open Eyes]

Patagonia, I may have asked this before so forgive a repeat. Have you been keeping track of yourself gynocologically, having your estrogen levels tested? Also, if you are on birth control medication, that can cause mood swings and an inbalance with hormonal levels, and lead to bouts of depression as well.

It's not unusual for someone struggling with PTSD to want to "get away" either. Even to feel like a burden to family too. Yes, it can be hard to stick with a day to day routine of being a wife and a mother. I can understand your desire to escape and find a way to be free of that kind of life, I do not think you are a bad person, instead I think you are a person that is really struggling.

Last I heard you were thinking about going to a kind of retreat, did you get to do that?

[Patagonia]

I had a on/Gyn visit in January. Dr said my rise in libido is more normal for my age. But it's high! Didn't do any hormone levels & dont take birth control.

I didn't get away to a retreat. I've been toying w/ the idea of trying to move out of the house for the summer, but know how much trouble it'll cause everyone so I put it off. I'd rather be miserable in my life then make my entire family miserable.
I need..........something!

[Open Eyes]

Yes, you do "need" something patagonia, I know that challenge very intimately myself.
I also know that while I did need to get away, a time out, it would have caused problems with my family too. It would be harder for you because your children are still very young, they do not have the capacity to understand.

PTSD is very "inconvenient" for the individual that suffers from it as well as the family.
One's mental house is a mess, and having anyone come in for a visit is intrusive and exhausting. There is a huge desire to say, "hey wait a minute, give me some time to clean my house and get organized" before you come in and ask me to "do things for you".

You need a "good" therapist to help you with that, they are not easy to find either.

I had tried very hard when I was struggling, my family did not "get it", believe me I have fallen down the psychological PTSD stairs many times into experiencing often very debilitating PTSD cycles I did not understand, and ended up retreating to my bed to get "alone" and calm down somehow.

I know what you are craving, I have craved it myself, and have "yet" to actually get it too, myself. I hear you.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[ThisWayOut]

I wish I had some useful info, but the best I have is that I can really relate to wanting to run hard and fast and far...
I, too, have yet to act on that impulse.
The only thing that has brought me any relief so far has been finding good therapists... Oddly enough, the best ones were totally found by chance. One was a group T I was refferred to (and later dumped onto) by a T I had been working with. The other 3 were all affiliated with community agencies (two were with a county-funded sexual assault crisis center)...
Hope you can find some relief from all this...

[finding_my_way]

It sounds like you know you need to change but don't really know how to do it. Sometimes, it does help to remove yourself from situations for a bit so you can sit back and really reevaluate things. What do you see when you think about what you want for yourself and your life? Is it anything remotely close to where you are now?

Could you do a trial separation from your husband and see if that might give you some breathing space for a while? Are you working and able to financially support yourself if that is an option?

It sounds also like you need to do some self care and need support so you don't end up causing harm to yourself either through actions you take or physically if it gets to that point.

I understand how potentially leaving your marriage could be distressing to think about, but if you truly are not happy and know in your heart it is not what you want anymore, you also need to think about yourself despite who it might hurt because you are in the marriage, no one else is. The hurt from it will eventually fade with those who it involves (your children and whoever else is close in that way), etc. But I understand how difficult it must be to think about it all.

Is this a result of your mental health struggles or you really want a different life for yourself, out of your marriage, etc.? Just some things to think about.

[Patagonia]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I'm financially dependent on my husband. I'm sure I could get a min. wage job but I don't know if I could support myself just on that.
No one knows how bad I feel! If I tell my H he'll just say, u need to go back to therapy & then stay away from me. We've grown so far apart I don't recognize him anymore.
I don't recognize what I've become...just a blob in space waiting for my own death.
I mean now I'm thinking well if H would just keel over....things would b great! Who thinks like that! Very sick people I think. Am I very sick?
I'm just....nothing to no one.

[Open Eyes]

((Patagonia)),

How you are discribing your feelings is how the PTSD is challenging you, it doesn't actually mean you "are" worthless. You are "hurt" and when your husband answers you with "you need to see your therapist", what he is saying is that "he" doesn't know how to help you, he is not a professional, and most people just don't know what to do or how to help when they have a spouse with PTSD.

Feeling far apart from a spouse while struggling with PTSD is what usually takes place. A person's mind is very distracted with the PTSD so it's hard to "feel" like one can function normally. You "need" support from people who "do" understand and can relate, you need "help" with the children while you work on yourself too. PTSD means your subconscious mind is confused and distracted, it takes time to work on that. I wish I could say there is a quick "fix" but there isn't, you need to continue with therapy and dig around and figure some things out so you begin to make gains on having more times where you have a sense of balance. Also, your sense of personal boundaries are very challenged. I have definitely experienced that myself, there were boundary issues I struggled with that I had not realized before, I work on that as these triggers come up.

The desire to "get away" is because somehow you feel you need time out from the day to day distractions so you can collect yourself. You "can" make gains on this, but you need to find a therapist to help you work through this, with an understanding that it really "does" take time.

((Gentle Understanding Supportive Hugs)))
OE