she did it again. my god damned mother let me down again today of all days. the anniversary of her father, my grandads death, we were going to the rememberance gardens to lay a rose and a poem i wrote and sit for a while and remember him.
dog in vet - be there all day - cant come over. IF DOG IN VET, WHY NOT COME OVER JUST FOR AN HOUR LIKE ORIGINALLY PLANNED?

I AM REJECTED AND ABANDONED BECAUSE OF HER BLOODY DOG. TRIGGER. I AM SO ANXIOUS AND ANGRY AND HURT. i just give up quietly and go into numbness.

42 years old and still letting the ***** get to me. she knows how i feel, she knows about the abuse, she wants to sort things out - then puts her dog before me again. oh how sweet life is. SHE ACTUALLY SAID 'SAY HELLO TO HIM FOR ME'. no tears left to cry heart in middle earth somewhere, brain on fire husband and kids at birmingham train station. ON MY OWN.

SO HOW THE HELL DO I GO NOW. pace the bloody floor until he gets home, pluck up courage to drive myself to the place where my grandad was left all those years ago through a busy city feeling like crap. oh my god i really just GIVE THE %#@&#! UP.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHAT IS THIS LIFE FOR? JUST TO GET HURT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ??????

[Fuzzybear]

UGH she sounds so much like my mother .... selfish to the maximum

(((((((( gentle hugs jinny sweetie ))))))))

Fuzzy


PS wishing for ENLIGHTENMENT for all

[Fuzzybear]

I forgot to say...GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Love to you

You know I hated my adoptive mother, just talking to her on the phone was awful, she had the abilty then to hurt me so deep..its taken a lot of time and therapy to come to a place where her abilty to have that amount of effect on me has ceased.

I;m not sure what to say or do here. I could give you hugs but hugs do not help you, maybe for a moment they will..but the truth is that its time for you as an adult to prepare strategies to keep yourself safe.

Maybe in advance of the date of your grandfathers passing, make plans for yourself to get yourself to his grave?? By-passing your mother completely? Otherwise you are giving her permission to detate what you can or can't do?

Maybe your mother has serious issues from her past and putting the dog first is her way of keeping her safe?? She just doesn;t ahve the ablity to be the mother to you that you deserved.

I;m not saying thats right, but it seems thats how it is. Hurt people, hurt people. I am in no way taking away your suffering.

As children we could do nothing but be a victim to our mothers hurts and illnesses, as adults we can do something.

Its not about mothers any more, it becomes about us, and if we want our children to know a route out of generational suffering, then the rot has to stopped some where.

I hope your pain eases.

right at this very moment fuzzy i hate her and thatis not good. dontlike the word hate. she's always been selfish always put herself before anyone including me her ONLY child.

i come second to a dog now. i feel so cut up. i could quite happily get a kitchen knife and cut my wrists to shreds right now but i wont and you know why? because i love my kids and i wouldn't do that to them and i'm not a self harmer. but i feel like it my god i do.

jin

[Fuzzybear]

another YUCK.... I'm the mother's only child too

Yep hate is a harsh strong ugly feeling but I understand Wishing for peace for you and for love to push away the pain and anger hon

[Fuzzybear]

thankyou mouse and fuzzy.

my husband is taking me and my son is coming so that's nicer anyway. i can take my time and not have her say 'i have to hurry and get back for the dogs'.

love to you both, kerry xoxoxoxoxo

i just came home. i cried, i talked to him, i left a big white beautiful rose and 2 poems about him and to him. his ashes were spread under a beautiful tree, so i think of him as that strong tree, leaves fluttering in the breeze, i imagined the breeze was saying welcome my jinny. i feel better now i've been close to him and left his presents and my love.

jinnyann xoxoxoxo

I'm really pleased it all ended ok!!

thankyou mouse i feel so much better.

love ya kerry xoxoxoxo