[Walterhobbs2800]

Hey im not going to give out my real name so you can just call me Walter. Anxiety runs in my family. But ontop of that i have been through a trauma when i was 9 years old 12 years ago. Im not going to get into it. But i didnt have a dad growing up and at 9 years old i lost my mother unfortunately in the Rhode Island station nightclub fire accident. And then a year later my brother moved across country with his dad because we have different dads. So we only get to see eachother once a year for 2-4 weeks. But i took couple ptsd diagnose test online and i always score high on them. Its a year later i took the sanity test everything was good but my impulse tab was i think 71 it was in the red. And the ptsd tab of course was 83 and in the red. But in these 12 years i have been to counseling with a few different counselors and talk groups. Oh yeah i forgot to mention when my brother moved i was left behind with my grandparents. But they have tried everything. I cant talk about anything. I went to counseling a few months ago for about 2 months we didnt even touch the topic of my mom but i ended up leaving cause i didnt like how things were going. And in the past month ive been to the hospital because of all of the stuff thats going on inside of my head. The only thing on my mind for the past few years is my mothers death all day everyday and i seen the entire video online of what happened. And ive watched the entire video again this month after about a year or two I feel like i gotta cry every second of the day. I have anger outbursts but not yelling at people i just break my stuff sometimes. I have gone through atleast 5 to 6 cell phones in the past month in a half because ive destroyed them. Im pretty i mostly likely have ptsd but my doctor has not diagnosed me with it or consider i have it because its really hard to work with me. I refuse to talk, write, or draw about. My blood pressure is always sky high 150 plus. And i feel so tuned out of this world. And i pace a lot at times when i think about everything. And lately ive been mad tired even when i get more than enough sleep. And lately im randomly starting to literally trip over absolutely nothing sometimes walk down the street. And i been house hoping the past year between different family members houses. And sometimes lately the past few weeks i cant remember conversations sometimes or things ive said to people. It was last year for like a month or two thst just about every other day i was having dreams about fires all the times and what happened to my mother. I had one recently in the past month or two also.

[kaliope]

hi walter
i am sorry you have lived with such tragedy. it would certainly make sense that you had ptsd. it sounds like emdr would be really helpful for you. it is up to you though. you are not going to get better unless you cooperate with treatment providers, so you have to ask yourself how much to you want to improve your life or do you want to continue going down the same road you are currently on? i promise, a better life is certainly possible with proper treatment. you just have to want it bad enough.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Walterhobbs2800]

Thanks. I experience way to much and i suffer mentally from way to much. I experience depersonalization alot and get paranoid at random. Like last night i woke up all paranoid in the middle of the night. Its a really weird feeling to its like your so confused that you want to run and cry to somone cause you have no idea whats going on anymore. And i get this weird rush through body that doesnt go away for a few minutes or so i dont even know How to describe it. This life feels fake at times. And im so drown into my thoughts i literally feel like i live in my head most of the time.

[Ruftin]

(((Walterhobbs))) I am so sorry you lost your mother and so tragically. I can't imagine the pain that must bring you. Being paranoid is very frightening and makes it difficult for a person to identify what's real and what's irrational thinking. I find keeping myself busy or living in the moment keeps me from living in my head and rerunning old memories around and around.

PC also provides a good form of distraction even if it's just reading others posts or posting. The games forum is also a nice way to get out of your head for awhile.

I hope you eventually find a way to open up to a counselor. It can help equip you with ways to cope with and process your emotions in a healthy way. You've been through a lot. You need to take steps to take care of you.

[Walterhobbs2800]

And untop of this i have my grandfather who is bipolar is verbally and physically abusive and has been for 30 or plus years and since before i was born and he thinks he is always right and never wrong . Nobody lives in my grandparents house me and his wife have been living else where between different family members houses for about a year now. And he is also money hungry and dont care about anyone except money. He hates me cause i wont lend him money and trys to say its my fault if he loses the house. He even tried to tell me a couple months ago that i owed him money because my mom died and he had to raise me. But he has always been verbally and physically abusive he calmed down a few years and hasnt been so physically abusive but this past month between last month and this month he has gone after his 30 year old son and beat on him a few times which one of them was he accused his son of stealing his credit card. But when something goes wrong its mine or my uncles fault. I was there one of the times he beat on his son and i was having a fire outside with my friends too. I called the cops to. Nobody comes home unless apartment to get something. I dont even call it my home anymore. I have stuff in boxes in my room waiting because im trying to find an apartment because i refuse to live like that an keep house hopping. He has put so much stress on this family its ridiculous what one person can do to a family. And he also has drilled into my head yelling at me when i make a mistake or doing something wrong to the point where im afraid to makes mistakes because i think im gonna get screamed at for it. It dont matter who it is thats what my impulse because thats what my brains believes because i grew up with like that. It doesnt matter if you do all the right things or not he will find false with something.I dont think i mentioned he is money hungry also because he cant pay his bills. He lost his credit cards this month which is his fault because he charges his cards and takes out loans for stuff he dont have the money to pay off. And he wants to play king. He sits in his bed or on his chair in the living room and watches tv all day and doesnt clean up or do anything for himself the messes are obviously his because we dont stay there. He hasnt touched me but i always tell my friends if he puts a hand on me hes going out in a police car i dont care who he is.

[Walterhobbs2800]

And ontop of feeling like im in a dream all the time a lot i feel tired all time and i get more than enough sleep.i can get 6 to 7 hours of sleep or i can get 10 to 12 and it wont matter. I just have to much going on around me and inside my head.

[WibblyWobbly]

Hi Walter,
I'm so sorry for everything that you have gone through. It's not fair to be burdened with so much at your age. It sounds like you are dissociating a lot. I really hope that you can open up to a therapist about that and your racing thoughts. A psychiatrist could help you with your anxiety and depression.

I'm glad that you posted here. When you're ready to get some help from a therapist you could always show him/her your posts in this forum to ease your way into a conversation about your history.