It can get so bad, why don't others understand?

Suicide and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

When I first joined PC, I was becoming very suicidal. I have made an effort to try to describe how PC looked to me when I joined because I had never done anything like PC before.

This article talks about fear of being let down by individuals that are supposed to help you. Well, it was not something I imagined, it really was what did happen to me. Also, unfortunately so much trauma took place where I also live that I was being triggered constantly and I did not understand that at the time at all. The other thing that challenged me is that the individual/individuals responsible for the trauma I experienced continued to invade, especially when I was alone.

I became dangerously suicidal because I really had no one helping me at all. And everyone around me was insisting I "just forget and just deal and just, just, just".

The one thing that did help me was coming across a thread about having these suicidal episodes, that was so important to me because it was only place I was exposed to individuals that were talking about what I was going through. Then, I got lucky in that I came across a vet who told me to pay attention to how it's like a wave that comes in, hits hard, then eases off. That really saved my life because I was having so many of these episodes and when I did try to talk about it the response from my husband was anger and even "go ahead then".

When this vet told me to pay attention to these episodes and see how they come, crest, and ease off and go away, I did pay attention and I dealt with that ALL ALONE. I hung on to recognizing I would get a break and that I could manage it. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced in my entire life, and I have experienced some big challenges in my life including almost dying and having my body completely opened up and healing from that was a huge challenge and I also had to learn how to accept that horrific scar too. It really was horrible looking for a very long time too.

What I want to say about this part of the PTSD challenge is that as one gets help and the right support, it eventually does slowly go away. I did battle this horrific stage for several months. I always say to others that I meet here, PATIENCE is so important, and I know that to be true. For a very long time I did hover over this forum because I knew how dangerous this stage was and how crucial it is to have support for it. And, I have helped others who were struggling in this stage and really did need that support with it.

Today when I met with my therapist, I told him that I can still be challenged at times with something I call criss crossing. What happens with that challenge is I can be in a scenario and hear or see a phrase or comment that triggers me to reply but I reply in a way where I am dealing with whatever that trigger is that I experienced in a different past situation. To my relief my therapist said YES, this does take place with PTSD, this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I said, the problem is that I tend to get punished for it and it makes me want to retreat/avoid and I have been trying to find a way to say, "sorry, I just did a criss cross" and I am not aware of it when I do this. However, if I am helped with it when it does happen, I can actually learn a lot from it. The only way I can gain on these scenarios is by looking at what triggered it, and thinking about how that did happen in the now, but also at other times where I was actually "hurt" by it.

I do not know "why" my brain/mind does this and others notoriously react badly when it happens too. What I have learned is that if it does happen and I can see what it connects to and acknowledge it, the chance of it happening the same way again lessens.

I think it is important to understand that our brains do store things in ways we do not realize, and often these memories are stored in areas of the brain that don't have language. Working on healing through PTSD, is learning to be patient with it and that the healing actually happens in "little pieces'. Experiencing a PTSD cycle is really not anything others will understand either, and it is important that one try to find some support with individuals that do understand and have the ability to offer support that actually helps the healing and gaining on PTSD happen.

"The severity of PTSD symptoms tends to increase with the severity and duration of the trauma." quote from article

This is what has challenged me. The trauma I experienced did overwhelm me just as discribed in this link and I did want to die and that is not something I had ever experienced before. But I had been addressing so many injuries and I simply got both physically and mentally exhausted. After four months of being overwhelmed and losing a pony in spite of my efforts to save her, I simply crashed. I did not understand what hyper vigilance was, but that is what I was in those four months until I crashed.

I did not "imagine" not being helped or being failed, I experienced it. I really was failed and my negligent neighbor continued to intrude. When anyone does that it really does trigger me severely now. But, what I want so much is to get the chance to finally answer that question that I was left with that I experienced a flashback and could not answer. My attorney was failing with worsening dementia, and while the opposing side did try to schedule a date with him to finish deposing me, he continued to not only fail to tell me but to even remember it was on the schedule. It is coming on five years now since that unfinished deposition and I never got to finish being deposed. I literally begged him to make sure to get that done, I was crying and struggling with suicidal thoughts with no help at all for it. This lawyer stood up and said to me that day, well, I gave you time and listened to you, you need to know that I usually make $800.00 and hour so I did you a favor. He did not do me a favor because he still failed to not only inform me that there were depositions scheduled, but he actually forgot them. I figured out three missed depositions, I don't know if there were more because I am not allowed to call the opposing attorney to find out.

I am still dealing with this lawsuit and it's been 8 years and counting now. My now ex attorney had even filed it in the wrong court system. I asked him about that too and he insisted he did not. My therapist told me that because of how I have been kept in this trauma that I am now chronic. I can say for sure that prolonging a trauma like this really aggrivates the PTSD.

"Survivors of traumatic experiences are often told, Its in the past. Forget about it and get on with your life, Why cant you just forget about all that, and enjoy life like a normal person? If we could simply get on with life, they would have done it. PTSD helps explain why it is so hard for the chronically suicidal to recover. Because we were suicidal, we subsequently suffered many of the conditions associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. These conditions are serious problems in their own right; they are formidable barriers in the recovery process." quote from article

This is what I have been told over and over and over again. My new lawyer said to me one day when I was really struggling, "Don't let this get to you, just think happy thoughts". All of my family and friends pretty much said the above to me constantly and grew angry and resentful towards me when I struggled.

I hate how it all took place where I live, I loved where I live, but I can't say I feel safe here. Every day is such a battle because I hate the PTSD, I want to get rid of that and feel safe to love my farm again, oh how I want that so much.

I am so sorry you are struggling. I have had people tell me the same things about it being in the past but there are even emotional triggers that open the pain of certain events from my past that are overwhelming. Take care and know your not alone!

Thanks quietincrowd, I just needed to vent along with that thread. I am not suicidal right now, but I did struggle with that for a while. I come across others who can be dismissive and mean sometimes. I try to keep in mind that I probably would not understand it either had I not been experiencing this challenge first hand. It really helps when others do understand and are supportive.

I find it interesting I have a few friends with depression and I cannot understand what they go through but I can be empathetic, supportive, and compassionate. I have come to discover that there are people who lack those skills. There have been some very supportive people here that have helped me.If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me or post. Best wishes!

Thanks quietincrowd I appreciate that. The last three months have been very challenging for me with IRL things presenting me with some major triggers and happening too close together so I really get a workout and it tired me out physically and mentally. It helps to be able to vent it out where others can be supportive instead of being mean or dismissive.

I have been lurking in these forums on and off for years but never participated. I can understand exactly what you mean. I know other people have their own lives but they can let you down, I don't know if it is because they don't understand or just don't want to get involved. I try to stay positive, but most peoples idea of support for me has been to 'like' a few of my Facebook posts.

Hi Sonnetta, welcome to PC. I hope that your time reading different posts have helped you a bit. It IS really hard to get others to understand and I have to be honest, had I not experienced this first hand I may not have been able to understand it myself.

Yesterday I went and had an endoscopy. I had met with a doctor ahead of time and explained that I do suffer from PTSD and to please be patient with me. When I went for the procedure one of the nurses heard me say I had horses and ponies and she made it a point to tell me how she loves horses and donates her time at a big Therapudic Riding Facility. When she told me the name, I told her one of my horses was there to which she responded with enthusiasm that she knew my horse and that he was everyone's favorite, that he was so wonderful with children and such a loving horse.

While I was under anethesia I relived all of how that horse was badly damaged and as I was coming to I was crying and crying. I had not expected that conversation to take place, nor did I expect to relive all of that trauma under anesthesia. I cried the rest of that day and got very little sleep last night. And I know these individuals will not understand how that procedure turned into me being under but reliving the way I did. I guess I was crying during the procedure and they had to stretch my jaw to stay open and today all the soft tissue below my jaw is so sore, so very sore, I can't even touch it.

Oh OpenEyes.. I'm sorry that happened to you. Sometimes triggers can really suck, and with the anesthesia too..

I am in Israel this year--getting a Master's Degree in
Holocaust Education. I have had nightmares about the Holocaust
for 30 years. They began at age 13. I wasn't born Jewish.
At any rate--prior to the nightmares--I was molested/ raped by a male
physician from ages 3-10.

I'm a professor who is on sabbatical this year--so, I have become
the student once again...I don't have the option of dismissing class
whenever I have a PTSD attack. I would compare it to a hotflash
that hits like a bomb out of nowhere.

I had my first one in the Holy Land last Friday at Shabbat dinner
and service with the Rabbi on campus. He was hosting dinner for
all international students that wanted to come. About 60 showed up.
Directly during dinner I began having a PTSD attack.
I wasn't thinking about the doctor molesting me.
It just hits without warning.

By the time the dinner ended, and I made it back to my dorm room--
I went through a roll of toilet paper crying, with the attack
dragging on for another 2 hours. No amount of reading,
praying, talking, walking--or any type of activity shuts it down.
It seems to takeover my life like an emotional roller coaster
which simply has to wear off.

The doctor stopped molesting/ raping me 33 years ago.
The attacks have never quit.

The Rabbi and his wife invited me over to their home for Shabbat dinner.
This is very typical for campus Rabbis to do.

I want to go...but am so afraid I am going to have a PTSD anxiety attack
and have a major meltdown in his home. I really try my best to stay
away from socializing situations. People innocently trigger my attacks.

I have had 2 failed marriages--each lasting only 2 years.
Every time I try to be in an intimate relationship?
During intimacy--the person I am with triggers my PTSD--
and they turn into the doctor...molesting me and raping me all over again.

I didn't know that PTSD had a name during my first marriage.
But, when my second marriage failed & the same things were happening
with my attacks...I knew that it was me..and NOT the person I was with.

After my second marriage failed, I shut down completely.
I haven't been on a date since, and it's been a decade.

I don't know how to fix what is wrong with me.
My Rabbi is also my therapist.
(He has all of his degrees in psycho therapy/ and has his own
private practice). I've been in therapy with him now for about a year
and a half. He is the only therapist who has been able to get
my Holocaust nightmares to stop.

However, I do not think the PTSD anxiety attacks will ever end.

It totally sucks...because they have destroyed all of my chances
of ever having a relationship with anyone.

I hope there is a forever hell for people who sexually abuse children.
And if there is--I hope that doctor who molested me?
Is in it--and that his hell is 50,000 times worse than mine.
He's already dead...so I hope the devil keeps him under lock and key!

So you were not born of the Jewish faith correct? You must have somehow seen images and read about the Holocaust and that came together with your sense of being a prisoner of this doctor that took advantage of you.

I am sorry that being intimate triggers you to have PTSD flashbacks. Whatever a person experiences that was traumatic can be triggered that way. I am sorry that a PTSD episode can intrude on you so unexectedly, I have that challenge myself and I am sure others can relate, maybe not with the same triggers you have, but the experience itself.

I had a horrible experience with a colonoscopy and other situations that took place under medical care so it's a big deal for me to go to a doctor and not experience a flashback. My new therapist wrote a letter explaining it so I could give it to doctors so they are patient with me.

I just had an endoscopy last week and it was such a big challenge for me to go through with it. The anticipation alone was a challenge, I did everything I could think of to distract myself all the days I had to get through before the day of the procedure.

Then one of the nurses heard I had horses and told me she loved horses and donated her time at a Therapudic Riding Center. I asked her if she knew a horse and she said he was the nicest horse they had, so loving and so amazing with the children and handicapped challenged riders. That horse was my daughters that go hurt badly by my neighbor's dog and my daughter still has not gotten over that. When they put my under the whole time I was under I was reliving how my daughter's horse was hurt and I kept crying while under and coming out of the anethesia. It took me three days to get through that cycle and the affects of the anethesia.

I am sorry that you struggle at such inconvenient times, I have that challenge myself and sadly I often have to listen to "just gotta not do that" kind of statements, but, I don't "make" them happen that is what others fail to understand.

Yes, you will probably always have challenges, but you can learn to manage them better and it makes all the difference in the world when others validate and are supportive. That is what pulls one into the now and healing and gaining.

((Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE

When I began to have Holocaust nightmares--I was not hanging out with it:
I was not reading about it, watching Holocaust movies--or had previous experience with it. At the time--I was highly engrossed in the Civil War, and was even getting the Civil War magazine as a subscription.

What I can tell you--is that many of my nightmares end up being historically accurate. And, to some degree--this freaks me out. I was born 26 years after WWII ended. I can make no claim that I survived it--I wasn't alive at that era in history...Which leads me to believe that the SHOAH was so devastating to humanity that fragments of it?...Keep coming back to remind us to never allow it to happen again. I CAN NOT BE the author of this historical information that comes through in my nightmares: I was not alive.

Open eyes, I have a lot to work through, your story opened my eyes as to how the horses accidents and deaths can be traumatic. I have a lot of that to work through myself as I was always chosen to be the one holding ponies as they took their last breath. This has probably affexted me more deeply than I know. Two of my favourite ponies died unnessisarily this year also, I hold resentment towards the carers.

Oh ((Supanova)), I am sorry you lost two ponies that were your favorite this year.

When I lost the first pony that suffered damage due to my neighbor's dog I had to put her down, I held her and that traumatized me. I wanted to be there for her, she was always there for me and all the children, she was SO WONDERFUL with the children. She brought smiles and pleasure to so many children that were challenged, a few terminally ill that I would go to the homes and the parents would both stand on each side helping the child sit up and ride and the child would smile and enjoy it so much. I never had to worry about the pony spooking or behaving badly, she was always so patient. Some of the children would get tired easily, so I would tell them how my pony can get tired too. Then I would turn to my pony and ask her if she was tired. She would roll her eyes, and I would ask again "oh you are tired?" And she would roll her eyes and yawn and yawn. The children were always amazed by how human like my pony was, the parents were shocked.

For me the damage and loss I suffered was really just like losing my own children/ family. I suffer from PTSD and complicated grief disorder. I lost another pony too, I had no money to take her to the vet hospital, all my credit cards were maxed because of all the veterinary expenses from all the damaged/hurt and vet hospitals will NOT see a pony/horse unless they are paid right then with a check or credit card. And yet another wonderful pony suffered a fractured pelvis, a damaged hip joint and torn ligaments down his leg. He was in constant pain that stressed him so much to where he had horrible diareah that I would have to wash off two or three times a day. What many people do not understand is that horses/ponies can end up having stomach issues and diareah from stress much like humans do, they can't throw up though so often their pain/discomfort is a lot worse then ours. When a horse is panicking and running around not able to really get away from a danger or predatory animal they can stress to a level where they can choke, colic and even suffer a lot of physical injuries. Four or Five of my horses/ponies choked and I was so lucky I did not end up losing more than the one I did lose. One coliced badly because of how the stress she endured from the dog chasing around her caused her to suffer what is called an impaction, but with humans beings they experience constipation problems from stress.

When a dog is predatory like this one was and was actually known for with the breed of dog it was, they get into a mindset when they are chasing like this where they get a high off of it and they keep on chasing and often ignoring everything but that chase. The more noises the prey makes, the more the dog gets pumped up in the chase. My ponies and horses were making those little noises of "fear".

Because of what I lost, I could not cover the business I had and I could not afford to pay on the debt created. I had to beg the credit card companies to get on a hardship program and that ruined my credit rating which had always been really good. All my credit was frozen, still is. My neighbor continued to be intrusive. The police did not come out, when I tried to defend my boundaries they would call the police and I would get yelled at. I would hand walk some of them up the driveway because it was shaded and a nice long level walk and my neighbors would race by me almost hitting me which scared these injured ponies/horses (we have a shared driveway, I own the land, they have a right of way but their true right of way can't be created because of the power lines and the pond.) Even though my neighbor tore down a no trespassing sign I put up because "he did not like it" and admitted that to the police. I asked the police to press charges and they didn't.

I did not have enough to address all the injuries it took me a long time to make money so I could do that, pay on the debt and feed my ponies. The opposing attorney for my neighbor's insurance company uses that against me. I was trying to make money to help my ponies and I was battling complicated grief disorder and PTSD. I have had so many be mean to me IT'S BEEN HORRIBLE.

I cried under the anethesia because of how that nurse kept talking about how WONDERFUL and LOVING my horse is with the children and he is the best they have in the facility. I know they are wonderful and loving, THATS WHY I LOVED THEM AND APPRECIATED THEM SO MUCH. They love children BECAUSE THEY ARE LOVED.

I had a post traumatic breakdown but you should read my medical files. I was treated badly, my older sister yelled at me and she would not let my parents come and visit me in the psych ward, she never even hugged or comforted me, instead she told me if I don't snap out of it and get my big girl panties on I would lose EVERYTHING.

I developed planter's faciutus in both my feet, it got so bad it was hard to walk. I had been on my feet CONTANTLY trying to earn money, trying to hand walk the injured. My mother told me to come and pick her up and she would give me some money so I could have injections in my feet and have orthotics made and buy sneakers fitted to my feet because I could not afford any of that. About a month or so ago my older sister made it a point to go through my parents financial records and she sent me a nasty letter insinuating I did something wrong by accepting money from my mother. My mother has dimentia now and I know my mother would be SO ANGRY with my older sister for being SO MEAN LIKE THAT TO ME.

Early this year my new lawyer (the other lawyer I had was declining in dementia and that is a whole other horror story) got a mediation with the opposing attorney and it took a lot out of me to go to that. The judge agreed with my lawyer and even saw how badly my exlawyer handed my case. I sat in a huge foyer waiting in case the judge wanted to question me. I watched the woman opposing attorney march in and out of the private meeting room angry and stomping back and forth making sure not to even make eye contact with me and the two insurance adjusters were there and they were wispering in a way that was obvious they had no intention of acknowledging the value even though my lawyer had a written appraisal and bills. This same attorney that had deposed me and pretended to be so nice and watched me go into a flashback where I could not even talk when she asked me "who was damaged the worst". I never got to finish being deposed because of how my lawyer had gotten so bad at remembering he forgot every deposition she tried to schedule with him. I begged my exlawyer to please get the deposition finished, I sat across from him in tears and he finally stood up and said to me, "well, I have listened to you and you should appreciate that because I make $800 per hour". It did not matter, he continued to forget not only to inform me of scheduled depositions but he forgot them completely which only angered the opposing side. And that came down on ME.

I have been dealing with this for 8 years and counting. I have been treated so badly FOR HAVING PTSD and COMPLICATED GRIEF DISORDER so much now, in so many ways. I am only guilty of really loving and CARING about these wonderful ponies and horses that never deserved to suffer because my neighbor chose to be NEGLIGENT.