For life?

I despair of ever being in a place where my today isn't ruined by my yesterday. The more I see the past effecting my today the more I despair of ever getting past them.

What if all you've ever known is trauma and neglect of some sort or another? what if you have no safe self to look back on? what if you've never had a safe responsible adult in your life to reflect back too?

How can one keep going on and on when they are beaten time after time by the past?

Reframing.

The past is not now, not the future. Yes, what you went through was traumatic, but it is in the past and you did go through it not die from it.

By reframing the thinking, the thoughts, you reteach your brain how to file those memories. Once they are "filed" they won't always be forefront in your mind, triggering etc. They won't be gone, but will be there for when you want or need to take them out, review them (maybe adjust them some more) and put them away again.

You might continue to work on them right now by telling yourself, "One day you won't bother me." (To your bad memories.) That begins a reframe for yourself, your brain to create a file folder... where you can begin putting those memories.



It's tough to have needed to be rescued and not be. It's not easy to think you have to rescue yourself now.

Thanks sky.

_mouse,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I come from similar circumstances and I know how hard this is. Sometimes we can't see a future because we are so blinded by the past.

Have you worked with T to create a safe place? It took me the longest time to find one. I would find the "danger" no matter where I "went." Like if I "went" to the beach, it would be okay for awhile but then I would "feel" someone watching me. But we alternated between the safe place and the trauma so it wasn't too overwhelming.

I have been suffering from PTSD since childhood. I've been in therapy for ten years now, and it has taken me that long to process some the past. I have told some of my story over and over again to the point I thought the intensity would never end.

I told my story until it didn't need telling anymore.

I still get triggered. My feelings associated with the past are terror, sadness and mistrust. Those emotions act as a smoke screen for the real emotion which is anger. I cannot deal with anger. Anger = violence. (to me) I'm just beginning to work on this now.

How can one keep going on and on when they are beaten time after time by the past?

We have to try and make sense out of the senseless so we can feel it, process it, and move on.

I hope it was okay to share some of my experience and I didn't "hijack" your thread.

(((((((( mouse )))))))

Petunia, No it was fine you sharing some of your story...it helps so much just knowing others understand this!

Thanks Fuzzy!

Its strange, I sat down this evening and watched my daughters just taking for granted their safety, their home, their life and I felt so glad that they are free to do so. But also amazed that for some their life is just like that, "normalish" It helped ground me a bit, I realised yet again, that no one can actually see whats going on inside of me and to them, I just appear normal, mum, their safety net. Somehow that helped me tonight.

Hi Mouse, Yes the past can haunt you until you feel you can take it no more. What we must remember though, is that it is the "past". We survived that so the worst is over. Be proud that you have created a loving safe environment for your girls, despite the past. I understand though, sometimes it just feels overwhelming doesnt it!

Its been a hard few days. My husband had to go away and it triggered off so much abandoment issues. The last time he went away was 2yrs ago and 2yrs ago I was still into " I will hide from my feelings" and the denial I was in then is outragoius looking back.

A good friend chatted with me on IM last night and asked me questions, and I felt for the first time that I could trust her, rely on her, know that she is really "with" me.

I also found out I had mice last night LOL and was faced with the problem of a trap, peanut butter and a mouse! I paced up and down for a while, afraid that I couldn't help myself out of this situation, and eventually realised that its ok to be afraid of some stuff and knocked next door and asked my neighbour to remove the dead mouse and trap :-(

He did this and we ended up having a real belly laugh. I felt better because I found out that if you ask, there are people that will help you. I'd never felt like that before, never believed or trusted anyone would help you.

I feel like another new groove has been etched into my brain now and I watched myself work through and ocme out of this state attack..

A good friend chatted with me on IM last night and asked me questions, and I felt for the first time that I could trust her, rely on her, know that she is really "with" me.

THAT is good news, mouse_!

Sky.. thanks for the reminder.. I have written that down in my office. Reframing... This will all go away soon.

What a good experience figuring out you can ask your neighbor for help and his being there and getting a belly laugh out of it besides! That's part of "life" too and eventually more and more good experiences will balance and then outweigh the "bad" ones from the past. Remember how things felt when you were your daughters' age? Part of that is because we were so young there and didn't/couldn't have that many experiences/exposure to "other" sources of safety and happiness! Now we can and the husbands keep coming back and the T is where she "belongs" :-) the next week, etc. and eventually it gets real real good like that most of the time.