Overwhelmed and Worried

I've been really overwhelmed for weeks, and now that I've escaped a horrible living situation - I keep thinking "escaped" though my psychologist told me not to... - I find myself overspending, making poor decisions, and really worried about money. Unable to even enjoy the road trip.

I'm on my way to a much better place, but I still find the thoughts seeping in that I wish I were on my way to those eternal pastures. I don't want that, I've got hope for the first time in years...or at least, I've got reason to hope. This is truly a new beginning. The trouble is, I haven't hoped for new beginnings in so long...I feel like I've lost all hope, and now the thing is a real possibility, I don't even know how to seize it and make good. I feel strangely...stunned. I had this weird feeling of almost emptiness after the painful relief, gratitude, and quasi euphoria faded. Even during the "escape" I think I kind of felt too stressed out and fearful to feel truly happy...it was more like I was trying hard to stay in the sort of internal position of a "good girl" (before God basically) so as not to have this favor taken away from me. I hate to say that...I think part of the problem is chemical, too, which I won't go into. But I think I haven't felt truly happy in...a frighteningly long time.

As far as the external issues -- Even if I overspend, I've done some calculating, and I'll have money to last until at least July. (Laying aside the building debts of old that I just can't worry about right now - I can start repaying those come fall, hopefully.) I just need to get a new job soon. And I'm a student, fresh out of undergrad, so believe me, I'm willing to work almost any job over the summer (before I start my MA program). I don't think it can possibly be that hard to find gainful employment of some kind for a few months.

Granted, I haven't looked in years...and I had work-related traumas at a very young age, so I've had this fear ever since that I'll never be able to find a decent job. I think that fear is irrational, though, a kind of phobia. I'm really scared, though, that I won't be able to get, or keep, a job. There's also the fact that I've been terribly isolated all my life after a childhood of severe neglect and abuse. I've never really known how to maintain or even build good relationships, and I've somehow managed to burn bridges with most of my references, even personal ones. There are some people that I could possibly ask. I don't know. Do employers even check references?

I do feel better after writing this out...I think I really need to talk it over with someone, and don't know when I'll have access to counseling next. I've left one school, and have started the next. If anyone knows of free/cheap resources, online or in person, I'd be really grateful if you let me know.

I still get really scared sometimes, of the suicidal thoughts...and also of this feeling that I'm deadening myself inside anyway, by progressively disconnecting from myself over the years. I feel like what I really need, in order to heal, is to reconnect. With myself, with humanity, with...reality. I think the threat of winding up dead on the outside comes from cutting myself off from these things, not even necessarily from the pain of actually feeling...if that makes sense.

I didn't really mean for this to be so long. I've been bottling things up for a long time, though. Thanks for reading, and for any advice/support you might have.

Hello Sevensong: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within.

I don't really have any particular suggestions for you. You might call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255. One does not have to be suicidal to call. They advertise that they're there to help with any problem. Your new school, I would think, should have a student counseling service that could possibly be of assistance.

I don't know how far from your old school you're moving. If you're moving a fair distance away, & you're seeking more-or-less entry level employment opportunities, it may be unlikely a potential employer would check references. At least this was my experience in times past...

Sevensong...I also recently "escaped" a horrible living situation. So congratulations for getting out. For all the rest, I wish you great healing and new understanding.

((HUgs))
Seesaw

hello. you make a lot of sense and truly seem to be aware and insightful. dont you think you're probably a little shaky from gtting to wehre you are right now? Change is a big deal and it's natural that there is a lot of stuff all at once coming at you. Just try and take it one moment at a time. Give yourself some spacer and leeway. Take a deep breath and then another. you are doing okay now, having hope can be sort of scary if youve enver really felt it before. You deserve what youa re working for so be kind with yourself. Tackle the biggest problem first and then just take things one at a time.

Take care

So by the time I arrived Friday evening, I ran myself into a hole with finances. I somehow managed to fritter away ~$1500-$2000. Still trying to work out the numbers exactly, since I've got several accounts wasting away with tiny, dwindling funds. I'm thinking I will keep out of the equation the cash and the external savings funds that I have - this will cause those pending charges, for hundreds of dollars, to decline. Or else be overdrawn. Not sure how that works. I don't know what kind of trouble I'll get in, either. But I figure the most important thing, the first thing, is to survive, right?

Who knows how long it will take to find a job? I'm not in a good place right now. At all. I'm a wreck. My clothes are mostly rags from being so poor for so long, and I just really don't know how I'll even find a job. Dressing like I do is much easier for a student to get away with than for an employee, especially a woman.

So I think I can survive on my savings for at least a couple months, since all I'll need is my rent and the phone bill, which is only $30 for a cheap prepaid phone. I can go to food banks, and I don't have a car anymore. Bus service is free in this town. I found out that I can't take summer classes, though, and therefore cannot get financial aid.

I'm even going to see if I can take classes at another local college, or online, or something. I'm just really not confident about my ability to get a job, especially outside my discipline (and there are no jobs for which I'm qualified in that, not in this rinky-dinky little town). I wonder if I should look at online opportunities, or telecommuting or whatever.

I'm just really overwhelmed at the whole job search process. It's like trying to follow a thread in a tangle the size of Earth - I could go in so many directions, I don't know where to start, and it paralyzes me.

I don't have any specialized training, not even Excel, I don't have references, and I haven't even worked a real job in SO many years. And that was before my wipe-out.

I keep thinking of suicide. I feel like a child, a lost child. Like I need to go somewhere for help. But there was nowhere then, and there's nowhere now. And I didn't learn how to handle it on my own then - I was drugged, and I wiped out. And I don't know how to handle it on my own now.

I'm turning to heaven again. If anyone will take care of me, and "fix this," it's them.

(((hugs))) I know things feel overwhelming right now. When i went for job training years ago i went to the state unemployment office. They told me to practice my typing skills to break 80 wpm then apply for a government job, which i did. Well i did that. And then i worked for them. The state offers free training to bring you up to par on computer skills. Another thing is the local high schools let their students mentor you on the computer to know your way around it, that i found most helpful. I learned when it was me to ask a lot of questions, write a lot of names down and phone numbers. And i made a lot of calls and got a lot of volunteers who helped me get my job, to train for it. It was just wonderful. And then you can get jobs subsidized as a vendor working for the state or government indirectly for a few years contract for good money. Look at all your options. The state dept at the unemployment office has the state and government listings for jobs that you can look at in their data base. blessings and tc

Hope is scary. Realize that, and breathe through that fear and keep going on your positive pathway.

Stay Strong!

Thanks again, everyone. Well, I'm happy to report that I'm safely settled in a decent living situation, have started a new job at the new university (today! , and I'm getting socially involved little by little in my new environment. It's going surprisingly well. The debt is still there, but the debt will just damn well have to wait. Right now, I'm trying to take care of myself day to day.

One piece that I do still need to work on is counseling. I need to find a therapist who's willing to wait for payment while my insurance is pending. (I've been told it'll be retroactive from the date I applied, so it'll cover any visits I have now...provided the therapist will wait for payment.) I've been kind of bouncing off the walls without regular counseling, especially with some bumps in the road. Actually, I've been having spiritual crises, and trying to force myself to produce - on a dime - beautiful pieces of writing fit for publication. (This last mostly in a desperate attempt to make quick money, as well as "finally" accomplish my life's goals. A rather tall order to fill in a week's time.)

Glad I found this thread - it's good to see how much progress I really have made, and fairly recently. Plus, y'all offered pretty sensible words of wisdom here. I think it's been my neglect of mental health upkeep that's led to the recent desperation. I've pretty much let it fall by the wayside, and become blind to how much things have improved.

Well, no more. I'm calling around tomorrow. I know there's a county mental health clinic where they could see me for free until insurance kicks in. For whatever reason, I've been putting off contacting them, but if I can't find a therapist by the end of Wednesday who's willing to see me, I will make an appointment with that clinic.