[RJ42]

I've been living with PTSD for a long time. I hardly sleep because of nightmares and being hyper-alert. My PTSD comes from being savagely, wish I was kidding, every day and from military service. I've been married and divorced three times. They were all gold diggers but I'm sure PTSD was a factor on my part. I haven't seen my two daughters in 7 years and that is killing me more each day.

I'm kind to people and help others a lot, but I live a solitary life because women, not all I'm sure, want nothing to do with me. Is it my looks? Is it because they think I'm unstable from PTSD? I wish I knew. The VA counseling system is terrible. So many foreign doctors that barely comprehend English. I've had counselors scream at me because I didn't agree with something they said. There aren't any medications to help with this.

I'm tired of being alone, lost, and barely surviving. I wear my veteran hat and I've had people spit on me. We soldiers sacrificed a lot to protect our people, our home and freedom, only to be left alone to rot. I grow more angry every day. Mostly I'm just tired, so very tired from the inside out.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm glad you're here, though I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I personally don't know combat, but I know the other side of things. I know what it's like to not be able to sleep and personally I can't make it long in a crowd. I've heard so many times over about VA inefficiency (to put it lightly). I wish I knew a "civilian" combat veteran in your area that could help. I just happen to be lucky where I am. Though, I'm not a veteran, I was recommended to be treated by one. You could google and see if there's one in your area, I don't know how VA stuff works or if that's allowed, but it might be something worth looking into.

[RJ42]

Thank you for responding So Leighas. I've thought about veteran run support groups, but I have a few problems..... 1. My PTSD went undiagnosed for 23 years, I didn't find out till I was 40..... 2. I've been used, hurt, betrayed, and outcast so much that I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. I've seen 25 counselors in these 23 years. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I can't afford to go outside the VA. I have a lot to do helping my grandmother and mother as well. I honestly don't know what to do anymore
People are getting so ugly, it's difficult to deal with them.

[Open Eyes]

Hi RJ, sorry you are struggling so much. Try not to think that because you were not diagnosed correctly for so many years that it means that it affects your ability to seek treatment and support now. It's not surprising you went undiagnosed/was misunderstood for 23 years either, the effort to understand PTSD and even come up with an understanding of beneficial "trauma therapy" has been something that was not available 23 years ago. It's important you don't feed into the "I missed the boat" mindset or that you are alone when it comes to being challenged with relationships. Actually, the relationship forum tends to be the busiest forum on this site.

As far as your not having a chance to be a part of your daughter's life for so long, well, maybe that was for the better because you were struggling and confused and that is not something children can understand. As she gets older what you can do is focus on understanding yourself and the challenge of PTSD until you can get to a point where you can write her a letter telling her how much you missed her and that you do love her but you were struggling and it has taken you time to understand your struggle because the help you needed was not there for you when you needed it. The fact that PTSD has been such a focus and there has been an increased effort to understand it and find ways to treat it will provide you with proof that she can actually research and see what you are telling her is a "reality". She may not be old enough to understand how to appreciate whatever you write "now", but eventually she will be old enough and what is gained in research will provide more understanding of what the challenge really means.

As far as your coming across individuals who react badly towards you? This behavior is fueled by lack of knowledge and fear and anger because of that lack, this behavior is a reflection of others, and not your own failure or personal challenge.

If you sit and consider what takes place when someone is badly wounded in battle, what happens, is that individual tries to crawl away from the action and when it comes to others who were trained to fight alongside you, they are trained to pull you to safety away from the line of fire/battle right? Well, that is actually based on our basic animal instinct where if you think about it, most animals would look to find a safe place to recover from an injury. This is basic survival instinct. PTSD is also an injury, it's just not an injury that can be seen by others. However, as you have recognized, the symptoms are to "avoid" and isolate and there is a lot of sensitivity. Well, that is our brain's effort to recognize an injury and with that a desire to withdraw to self protect.

When a soldier is injured to a point of being overwhelmed and is taken out of active duty, they can gain a sense of safety, however, that doesn't "fix" their injury and degree of sensitivity and feeling overwhelmed. Actually, when I joined this site I came across a vet who was struggling and one thing he told me is that he hates it when civilians say "welcome home". I thought about that and I suggested to him that what if he focused on that and came up with what he would like others to say to him. Some time went by and he came back and said to me "you know what, what you suggested is a lot harder than I thought it would be". I will never forget that vet because what he did not realize is that he saved my life. He has not been active for a long time now, so I hope he is getting the help he needed and is doing better.

I am not a vet, but I do have PTSD and one of the big challenges I had been faced with, am even struggling with now is that I never actually got a chance to be taken off the battlefield I had faced that broke me down into suffering a post traumatic breakdown. When I met that vet I was struggling so badly and so utterly confused and was dangerously suicidal. This vet told me to pay attention to how the suicidal urges can come on like a wave, be strong, yet that they also receed and go away. Because of him telling me that I paid attention and was able to recognize he was right. I fought through these most dangerous cycles for several months, and I got lucky in that I came across a therapist who actually understood trauma, the symptoms, and how to treat trauma patients. Before that I had not found the right kind of help, I really struggled "alone" for 4 years and it's hard to look back on that time knowing what I know now about PTSD and what is important in treatment to help a patient so they don't get worse, because I could have overcome that post traumatic breakdown instead of progressing not only further into PTSD, but also developing complex ptsd as well.

I don't care for the "you were a survivor" line tbh. I did have a lot of traumas in my life, and they do go all the way back. I resented being told I was a survivor and incredibly resiliant and that was because I was having flashbacks from my past and I felt that if I was a survivor, why was that happening?

It took me a long time to understand "why" I was experiencing these flashbacks and what that meant. It took me time to understand myself on a much deeper level. It's very hard to articulate the way the injury of PTSD can affect someone on such a deep level. What it's like to want others to understand how challenging it is, and feels so lonely because the reality is that others won't understand it unless they experience it first hand. The "anger" that presents with PTSD is from the "frustration" it presents, the frustration of not being able to articulate it so others can actually respond with the kind of validation that is so important to the one who is struggling. That is part of what this vet was saying when he talked about hating it when others said, "welcome home". Also, what I believe this vet wanted to say/articulate is what the trauma he endured took from him and how that changed his ability to truely feel "welcome when he returned home".

You have expressed that you may not fit in if you make the effort to attend a support group for vets at the VA. Actually, you might fit in better than you think. And that is because these others will have challenges that you know are hard and even harder to articulate to gain the kind of validation that can bring a sense of relief. That doesn't mean the challenge just disappears either, what it does mean is having a chance to be around others who understand the challenge itself. Alot of your challenges are actually challenges many of these other individuals have too. However, from what I have learned is that a lot of these individuals are not necessarily getting together to relive or feel the pain so much, but to be understood "if" they do and to also be with others who are trying to find ways to live their lives in spite of the challenge. It's a different kind of "leaving no man behind".

[RJ42]

I appreciate your post Open Eyes. I will try to see if there are other options.

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey RJ42
I don't have any advice for you, openeyes spoke very well.
Just want to say that I admire the soldiers that did what they felt was right. It takes a lot of courage.

[RJ42]

Thanks Reptile. I wish I'd never gotten out. It's the only place I ever felt accepted and belonged.

[MommaD]

RJ, in case no one has ever told you, thank you for your service. Thank you for being willing to make the tough choices and do the difficult things that I don't have the courage and fortitude to do. Thank you for the sacrifices you've made on our behalf.
Just Thank you

[RJ42]

Thank you for saying that MommaD. I do not regret serving for my belief in protecting my people and home. I am however saddened by being left to rot by the government and seeing every reason I served for destroyed by cruel, selfish, and ignorant people.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by RJ42

Thanks Reptile. I wish I'd never gotten out. It's the only place I ever felt accepted and belonged.

This is how a lot of vets feel. Yet, this is how people feel in general when they participate in something structured and become a part of whatever that structure is. Even individuals who work as coal miners for example who lose their jobs for some reason face that feeling of wanting to go back to that kind of work because it was where they "fit".

When someone joins the service they are young and they go through vigorous training to perform. Not only do they receive training but they "do" what the training has taught them to do. With this particular function there is also a lot of respect and it becomes a very strong "group" of individuals that respect this particular structure.

You are spot on with how being a part of this structured "service" can produce a sense of self respect. Civilians have a hard time understanding how a vet would want to go back and serve when they are put in such dangerous situations. Civilians get upset if they run out of toothpaste or get stuck in traffic, well, a vet is trained on a level that they don't get upset over these Civilian trivia's.

The average person/civilian would suggest putting vets together in therapy. The vet I met did not like that advice and vets don't normally open up and talk about what the average person would "think" they would talk about and benefit from. I did not really understand that at the time the way this vet deserved me to, and I so wanted to help him. Now that I think about it more, they don't like to talk because talking probably brings on what they are "missing" that for whatever reason was taken from them. What you posted helped me see that part.

A lot of vets become police officers after they leave the service. I had not known that until last year. I can see that it's something that a lot of vets adjust well to because of how it is similar to what they were initially trained to do.

I met a vet a few years back at a job I was doing and I opened up and told him that I was struggling with PTSD, he told me confidentially that he struggled with it too but he did not reach out for therapy because he said that once the diagnoses of PTSD happens with a vet it's harder for the vet to progress. He told me that even though he was struggling he was training to do something else that was service related and if I remember correctly it had something to do with fixing airplanes. He said that even though he struggled, having the ability to learn how to get involved with a new kind of structure was helping.

I have noticed how different individuals who struggle with PTSD tend to say that they should not be struggling the way they are because others have way worse traumas compared to theirs. Well, it doesn't matter who survived something that seems to be more traumatic, the struggle itself is what matters and what that means is a "disruption in one's personal structure" that is profound enough that it completely disturbed their sense of personal structure.

I think what will help you is finding a therapist, or even group therapy that can help you slowly see your way to learning about what you had in your sense of structure that you would like to reconnect with and see how you might find something you can get involved in that can utilize what you have and develop that into something that compliments that kind of structure that you miss.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by RJ42

I've been living with PTSD for a long time. I hardly sleep because of nightmares and being hyper-alert. My PTSD comes from being savagely, wish I was kidding, every day and from military service. I've been married and divorced three times. They were all gold diggers but I'm sure PTSD was a factor on my part. I haven't seen my two daughters in 7 years and that is killing me more each day.

I'm kind to people and help others a lot, but I live a solitary life because women, not all I'm sure, want nothing to do with me. Is it my looks? Is it because they think I'm unstable from PTSD? I wish I knew. The VA counseling system is terrible. So many foreign doctors that barely comprehend English. I've had counselors scream at me because I didn't agree with something they said. There aren't any medications to help with this.

I'm tired of being alone, lost, and barely surviving. I wear my veteran hat and I've had people spit on me. We soldiers sacrificed a lot to protect our people, our home and freedom, only to be left alone to rot. I grow more angry every day. Mostly I'm just tired, so very tired from the inside out.

Hello and welcome fellow vet. I can totally understand the VA issue. I have complained about more than one time here on PC. But I do understand it's not the fault of the people that's working there, they are frustrated too. It's our government that has thrown away vets for as long as I can remember. From what I'm hearing from you may be closer to CPTSD than PTSD. Though the DSM5 has yet to recognize CPTSD and they say it's covered in some subsection of the PTSD criteria. Look into CPTSD. Go to Pete Walker's website and get educated on it. I felt better when I knew what was going on and some options that were out there. The grounding techniques, meditations, DBT classes, look outside the VA for free courses. If you can afford it try online counseling, though not many are trained to handle multiple traumas so you may get frustrated with that. I tried it and did get some benefit out of it but I needed more.
I isolate a lot , rarely leave the house. I know this is not a good thing but it works for me right now.
As far as the women....I can only speak for myself but I like men to be stable, not a lot of baggage, not a lot of drama, positive outlook and a good person. There's no reason you can be these to some woman but you need to focus on getting you better first. A the title says...COMPLEX is what we are, what our situations are, so there's no quick fix to it. But we have to keeping striving to make it to the finish line, especially for your kids. There's one thing I've some to accept and that is life will not ever be like it was, might get close but so much has changed, people have changed, I have changed there's no way it can be the same. But it can be good again and maybe even better, that's what I'm hoping for anyway. Without that hope we have nothing. So don't worry about the FUBAR VA. That's not going to change anytime soon, maybe But I hope it will. Take care my friend.