Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, offer suggestions or simply validate this experience as being somewhat normal. I've been unable to discuss my trauma in detail except with my husband, a little with my mom and a bit with my best friend as she witnessed quite a bit of it. Anytime I discuss it, I'm overwhelmed with guilt, worry that I will be judged and attacked or blamed and told I deserve it. My abusers did tell me I deserved it and for many years, I felt them right. For a few years now I've known 100% that I didn't deserve it, but only from the logical side of my brain. My emotional brain still harbors the guilt that I did. I haven't been able to discuss it in therapy, mostly because it's group therapy with regular people who aren't held to confidentiality laws and I have been verbally assaulted in group therapy several times making it worse. I try to talk about it on here a bit, or sometimes it just leaks out in my writing, then I feel such overwhelming guilt and shame and feel I'm bracing myself for the onslaught of accusations that I deserved it. I just don't understand. Why? I know that when it comes to discussing abuse I received from my loved ones, I feel guilty because I love them so much....I understand why they did what they did based on their own traumas and I know that laymen will judge my loved ones unfairly because they don't know the wonderful people they usually are....but why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about? Why do I feel guilty for telling the truth about them? I don't understand. Can anyone shed light or at least relate? Thank you for reading.

[TishaBuv]

I don't think anyone deserves abuse.

If they commit crimes, they get locked up. If they are too hard to deal with or unlikable, they get left.

I've been told I deserved it, too. I think that's what abusers say to make them feel justified about being abusive.

I'm sorry you deal with this stuff too. My abusers didn't get locked up or left behind....they had plenty of support. Maybe some are in jail now. I don't know how that makes me feel though.....doesn't change anything for me. As for my family members who assaulted me, I don't feel they deserve jail or to be ostracized.

[TishaBuv]

There are a lot of mixed feelings for kids whose parents abused them. It's a love/hate thing. Feeling guilt seems logical. I feel a lot of guilt for turning my back on my abusive mother now, but I'm still putting myself first.

We don't always have to be perfect, good, or right. Sometimes we can be selfish and self-preserving, IMO.

[Open Eyes]

I can relate to what you are saying Elsa. It's hard to explain how you love the individuals who hurt you. That you are on a level of how "hurt people hurt people" and you can see the whys and you don't want to condemn them. It is also hard to find a way to open up and talk about this with a therapist. It's understandable how in a group situation it can be even harder.

I'm overwhelmed with guilt, worry that I will be judged and attacked or blamed and told I deserve it.

Yes, and this is how dysfunctional people react when they don't want to admit their own fault in their behaviors. They put all their effort into making others feel guilt and shame.

Thank you both. Trish, I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom and agree its definitely alright to put ourselves first. It's crucial in these situations I think. It's taken me a long time to teach myself that I deserve better than what I've allowed for myself. I still struggle with this but it's much better than how it was even a few months back. I take lots of steps backward still though...it's a process I guess.

Open eyes, you are always so calming and helpful and I really appreciate you and your insights. I feel such a need inside to let it all flood out....I even had a therapist recently who I made a little progress with but that ended badly for reasons too long to get into. It's like I know I need to get it all out but something inside me makes sure I don't and my psyche punishes me when I try. I just don't understand it.

[Open Eyes]

A lot of people grow up thinking and are told to keep their hurts to themselves. This is part of feeling "guilt" or "shame" when it comes to finally sharing one's history that "hurt" them.

That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I can definately see how that's played out for me. Understanding is at least half the battle.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

...why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about?

I think that breaks down to being a compassionate human being who understands trashing them is never helpful to anyone. And even if the tongue is withheld in fear of retaliation or whatever, the same truth still applies: Nobody ever actually benefits. That does not mean nothing should ever be said to anyone, however, just that we be discerning in relation to when, where, how, why and to whom?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, offer suggestions or simply validate this experience as being somewhat normal. I've been unable to discuss my trauma in detail except with my husband, a little with my mom and a bit with my best friend as she witnessed quite a bit of it. Anytime I discuss it, I'm overwhelmed with guilt, worry that I will be judged and attacked or blamed and told I deserve it. My abusers did tell me I deserved it and for many years, I felt them right. For a few years now I've known 100% that I didn't deserve it, but only from the logical side of my brain. My emotional brain still harbors the guilt that I did. I haven't been able to discuss it in therapy, mostly because it's group therapy with regular people who aren't held to confidentiality laws and I have been verbally assaulted in group therapy several times making it worse. I try to talk about it on here a bit, or sometimes it just leaks out in my writing, then I feel such overwhelming guilt and shame and feel I'm bracing myself for the onslaught of accusations that I deserved it. I just don't understand. Why? I know that when it comes to discussing abuse I received from my loved ones, I feel guilty because I love them so much....I understand why they did what they did based on their own traumas and I know that laymen will judge my loved ones unfairly because they don't know the wonderful people they usually are....but why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about? Why do I feel guilty for telling the truth about them? I don't understand. Can anyone shed light or at least relate? Thank you for reading.

<< I know that when it comes to discussing abuse I received from my loved ones, I feel guilty because I love them so much....I understand why they did what they did based on their own traumas and I know that laymen will judge my loved ones unfairly because they don't know the wonderful people they usually are....but why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about? >>
I'm confused

[reb569]

I absolutely feel a lot of shame and guilt for the abuse I went through starting from my first memory until a few years after I left home and had gone into the Air Force to escape (I had a knack for getting into bad situations, and alcohol was my friend and partner in a lot of those situations). I also feel a lot of anger.

I have several memories of abuse that I have never shared with anyone. I honestly don't know if I can. I have a constant dialog in my mind, where I am telling a faceless person what happened, but I have never been able to tell my therapist, or friends, or even my husband. One event I don't feel much guilt about, I was only 10 at the time, but events that happened when I was 15 and 16, and in later years, I feel that I had some ability to control, and could have avoided if I really tried. Well realistically the incidents at 15 or 16 I didn't have control over, and unfortunately, my "best friend", who witnessed these events, did nothing to help me at the time.

Originally Posted by Trace14

<< I know that when it comes to discussing abuse I received from my loved ones, I feel guilty because I love them so much....I understand why they did what they did based on their own traumas and I know that laymen will judge my loved ones unfairly because they don't know the wonderful people they usually are....but why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about? >>
I'm confused

I'm confused too. I was as clear as I could be but understand it not making sense to others as it barely makes sense to me.

Originally Posted by reb569

I absolutely feel a lot of shame and guilt for the abuse I went through starting from my first memory until a few years after I left home and had gone into the Air Force to escape (I had a knack for getting into bad situations, and alcohol was my friend and partner in a lot of those situations). I also feel a lot of anger.

I have several memories of abuse that I have never shared with anyone. I honestly don't know if I can. I have a constant dialog in my mind, where I am telling a faceless person what happened, but I have never been able to tell my therapist, or friends, or even my husband. One event I don't feel much guilt about, I was only 10 at the time, but events that happened when I was 15 and 16, and in later years, I feel that I had some ability to control, and could have avoided if I really tried. Well realistically the incidents at 15 or 16 I didn't have control over, and unfortunately, my "best friend", who witnessed these events, did nothing to help me at the time.

Hi there! I'm a HUGE Anne Rice fan and love and relate to the quote in your siggy.

I can see why the teenage years are less easy to deal with for sure. I still have lots of stuff from my childhood (under 10) that I feel shame and guilt over and can't talk about. Stuff that I logically know wasn't my fault but emotionally I still feel it is for whatever reason. My old best friend watched me being attacked and did nothing too.....I'm so sorry you experienced this kind of betrayal also. Trust is hard to come by when those you love the most stand by and do nothing. My husband knows about everything, but I was always drinking when I told him. I often wonder if I drank just to get it out and if I should drink before therapy to help me release it. Other times I feel I'm so lucky because nobody really knows except the people involved and that it should stay that way forever. Is it really going to help me to talk about this with a practical stranger? Part of me feels it will, the other is certain it will make things so much worse in the end.

[TishaBuv]

Do whatever makes you feel better.

I vented about it all on here, got validation and support from nice stranger, which really felt good. Then I confronted the abusers, hoping for an apology and empathy. But I did not get that at all, only much more meaness and abuse. Now I'm not talking to them, and I have to recover from the pain of the severed relationship, although it was a toxic relationship, the loss still hurts.

But I'm glad I stood up for and fought for myself.

They're not going to take advantage of me anymore...so they lose.

I wish I knew how to make it be a healthy relationship, but that's impossible, because the abusers want to abuse.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your mom Trisha. I can't imagine and I'm deeply sorry. I cut my brother off about 4 years ago and it's a real struggle not to reach out and try to heal the relationship but with lots of introspection, I've decided it's in all our best interests not to be around each other. I guess my problem is, I don't know what I want. Well, that's not right either, I do know I WANT to be better, I just don't know what road will take me there, or if it's even possible. I want to have less paranoia about people, I want to feel safe and at ease. I want to forgive and learn and grow healthier and stronger. And if I can't have any of these things no matter what I do, I want to be able to recognize this truth and then focus on learning to accept myself with all these flaws and pains and seeping wounds, ....happiness and euphorias and oddities. It might not be an ideal package or one I'd construct if it were as easy as building my mind and body on some internet website, but it's a more fortunate package than some people are born into so perhaps I just need to focus on being grateful for all I do have ......that sounds like a good plan either way but how exactly do I do that I wonder.

[TishaBuv]

I'm in the same place, mentally. I want to keep grounded, no more 'episodes', focus on gratitude and what I can have and do. I think just vocalizing it puts us in the right direction.

I think you are right Trisha. Just vocalizing it helps with direction and focus. I am truly grateful for all I have. You helped me awhile back with something and I don't remember what it was but I do remember you were kind and helpful. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me and share your experiences and for helping me feel less alone in these struggles.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, offer suggestions or simply validate this experience as being somewhat normal. I've been unable to discuss my trauma in detail except with my husband, a little with my mom and a bit with my best friend as she witnessed quite a bit of it. Anytime I discuss it, I'm overwhelmed with guilt, worry that I will be judged and attacked or blamed and told I deserve it. My abusers did tell me I deserved it and for many years, I felt them right. For a few years now I've known 100% that I didn't deserve it, but only from the logical side of my brain. My emotional brain still harbors the guilt that I did. I haven't been able to discuss it in therapy, mostly because it's group therapy with regular people who aren't held to confidentiality laws and I have been verbally assaulted in group therapy several times making it worse. I try to talk about it on here a bit, or sometimes it just leaks out in my writing, then I feel such overwhelming guilt and shame and feel I'm bracing myself for the onslaught of accusations that I deserved it. I just don't understand. Why? I know that when it comes to discussing abuse I received from my loved ones, I feel guilty because I love them so much....I understand why they did what they did based on their own traumas and I know that laymen will judge my loved ones unfairly because they don't know the wonderful people they usually are....but why do I feel a need to protect the evil azzholes who I don't love or care about? Why do I feel guilty for telling the truth about them? I don't understand. Can anyone shed light or at least relate? Thank you for reading.

I read this this morning but didn't have time to try to reply. I thought it sounded more like shame than guilt. It's a painful feeling that we must have done something improper or wrong in a situation. I think it has to do with the way we're raised to take responsibility for things that are beyond our influence. Somehow the trauma is our fault and we internalized it and expect judgement when in reality we we not powerful enough to have influenced any of the situation. I hope your husband and friend validated your experience and that you can someday share with a T and turn the shame off. I don't know, but to me it sounded more like shame. I just wanted to say I hear you.

ElsaMars, I hear you too. You are not alone.

[reb569]

Is it really going to help me to talk about this with a practical stranger?

I think I've come to the conclusion, that in order to truly move forward, I need to be able to tell someone about these events, I just don't know if I can.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by reb569

I think I've come to the conclusion, that in order to truly move forward, I need to be able to tell someone about these events, I just don't know if I can.

I think it's human nature to need to talk it out and be heard and validated. Then, after that, is where the CBT comes in for learning how to improve.

Originally Posted by reb569

I think I've come to the conclusion, that in order to truly move forward, I need to be able to tell someone about these events, I just don't know if I can.

Trigger warning below

I think you are right about this. I hope you are able and get some help. I need to share something I'm dealing with right now. When I was around 15, my best friend at the time, who I had known nearly my whole life and was like a sister to me, watched me being raped and did nothing. 2 strangers helped me and she wasn't even supportive after the fact. I forgave her, I figure the night was traumatizing for us both. 2 years later I confided to this best friend when our boss, who was a much older Asian man with kids older than me and my age in my grade sexually assaulted me in his office. I ran out and was very traumatized....my best friend called me that night and asked me to tell her detail what happened....I did and half way in his daughter (who my friend had listening on the other line) started screaming LIAR!!! It was such a betrayal and killed me inside. How could she do this? And why did I forgive her after that? Making friends has been especially difficult since, sometimes my paranoia about people turning on me is so overwhelming and suffocating. It's happening right now with my current best friend.....I feel she is not understanding me and is against me. I know it's from the past trauma and I'm working past it but I'm so angry I must have these thoughts to begin with. My old best friend got really into Scientology so hopefully they are harassing her to buy books and cast out those little fellers that scientologist are infested with

I've been diagnosed BP but really think it might be all PTSD related and hormonal. I got some medical test results back and have done some research and people with hormonal issues are often misdiagnosed with BP. This makes me hopeful but upset as I hear the psych meds I'm taking, which I tell them make me sicker physically, do make people with my issues sicker.

Thank you for supporting me everyone....I really need it right now. Shame does sound right Nammu....deep painful shame...not just over what has happened, but how I responded and all of my weaknesses as a result. I need to make better choices about the people I let into my life going forward, but I do need to let someone new in....can't stay stagnant forever.

[TishaBuv]

What kind of a friend would do that? I'd be shouting about it from the rooftops!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What kind of a friend would do that? I'd be shouting about it from the rooftops!

That is the same question I have!!!! Screaming about this from the rooftops is not the reaction I had at all. I blamed myself unfairly for both situations and I think her reaction contributed greatly. I have several other "betrayals" from friends in my life. I just don't understand at all. They all had terrible lives and family situations but That doesn't excuse it at all. I need to get over this paranoia that overwhelms me....I have nightmares about my most trusted loved ones turning on me in a similar fashion and situations, and it's so real feeling and so painful.

[TishaBuv]

I don't know about how the situation happened. But is it possible she could have misunderstood she was witnessing a guy forcing you?

My gf's and I had this promiscuous stage 'picking up guys' and fooling around with them, young teens, in the same room or the beach, etc... I'm imagining there could have been some misunderstanding in some way like that?

But if it was crystal clear to her what was happening, why would a friend just stand by and do nothing? Why would you blame yourself?

Possible trigger:

Wouldn't you have been telling him to stop and yelling to her to get him off you?

I had a date rape incident and I do blame myself so I never said a word about it when it happened. I stupidly went out with him in the first place, consented to go to his house, freely took a hit or two of a joint, vaguely remember (not consenting) but not even saying 'no'. I do believe he drugged me at dinner and that is why it happened, but you can see how the truth is foggy so taking self blame is understandable.