[Mouse_]

From the age of 15 once I started drinking, I became very angry. As time went on I hung around seedy places, hung with seedy people. I was witness to fights in pubs, I was witness to a boyfriend being stabbed to death 24yrs ago. I don't wish death on anyone, but the boyfriend was in a gang and got into a racial situation and was murdered. I dont excuse the guy for carrying the knife either but this is just an example of the kind of people I hung with many yrs ago. Today now sober, I seem to be carrying all the memorys of what it was like and thinking its like that everywhere, when infact it seems it may not be as common as I believe it to be, its just where i hung.

I went out last night and was out to after dark and I dont go out much now, not since getting sober almost 5yrs ago, but I was amazed how little trouble there really was, and how the majority of people are just out enjoying themselves, but my past seemed to more like ww3 ...I had to keep doing a reality check because I was on the look out for situations constanly on the way home unyet my eyes wasn't seeing any trouble...

I guess I'm afraid I've missed out on a "normal" life and will never fully see reality for what it is...you know kinda like a dog thats been put in fight rings, can it ever be a normal pet again? This is how I feel...

[(JD)]

(((mouse)))

I guess you mean by your own actions, in that you placed yourself in those situations where bad things happened? I don't see where you were doing or causing any of that.

Yes, you can be a "normal" pet again. It takes many times going out, in this instance, where you experience the good stuff you just did, to prove to yourself that it is a different environment than what you first experienced. That is, if you continue to do good self care and don't fall into the exact same situations as before where you may have been out of control.

Why bother with analyzing what the reality was then compared to today though? Maybe you weren't seeing all that it really was then, though it sure sounds bad to me. But it isn't today. You're wiser now.

TC!

[Perna]

Ah, the many possibilities of trauma; apparently if early trauma in the womb isn't healed it too can lead to PTSD later:

http://www.healingresources.info/emo...line_video.htm

Check out the actual "movie" introduction at "Section Overview"/Introduction -- might be triggering, lots of mothers with smiling babies.

[Exhale]

This is my first post to the site, and it was your post that found me nodding my head in agreement with some of the feelings you were expressing.

I, too, wonder if the experiences of the past have forever altered my perceptions of 'normal'.

I have had the identical experience of amazement that people actually go out feeling perfectly safe walking around town after dark. I would probably come out of my skin if I were to walk around town alone after dark.

You hear all of the time that there is no such thing as 'normal', but I look around, especially at what seem to be 'normal' experiences being enjoyed by 'normal' people and try to figure out how I can get there.

I often feel like I am trapped in the tower of a fortified castle (by my own fears and seemingly misguided perceptions), watching the people in the village bustle about, wishing I could leave and simply join in.

What stinks is that I am holding myself captive.

[Mouse_]

Hi Exhale I think my past experiences are holding me captive. But you know, 15yrs ago this new yrs eve will be the anniversary of another event that happened in my life. I lived next door to some squatters who set the house alight and died, One jumped out the window and landed in my front garden, he died and another died inside and a woman managed to hang on sitting on the windown sill ,waiting for the fire brigade. Unyet on the 1st anni of that event I seem to let it go, I remember it from time to time but it doesn't effect my day to day functioning. Unyet other stuff does. So I guess my point is maybe it is possible to get past stuff??? I don't know. I think its the volience I witnessed and at times took part in that has the greatest effect.

I think I've rambled to much here :-(

ANyways I hope things work out for you someday too!