[beauflow]

Help....
I my therapist has mentioned
My good positive attitude is invalidating my hurt side/trauma experience.. and I'm having issues understanding.

I'm told it's a great attribute of me, taking a mess and making the best out of it; but also it's negative impacting me.

I know I've had days where, that happy bs can go **** itself; but I've continued to try to keep it.

I've tried to be kind to others that hurt me, in a place (like work for example- can't be like you hurt my feelings to everyone- though I work at a place I can with some people <3 ) where I can not truly be open. And I tried best to have the attitude that's their problem for being so mean, hateful, etc.

And this invalidates me? Or I invalidated me by doing this.

I'm going through something, my understanding isn't here right now as other days of enlightenment...

Thoughts, experience, articles?

[TishaBuv]

Did your therapist tell you this? I’m not clear about what you are saying.

[beauflow]

Yes my therapist
I've edited it, I'm sorry for not making sense right now.

[Open Eyes]

Hi beauflow, it sounds like your therapist is concerned that if you allow others to treat you badly that you might be contributing to your own low self esteem and self respect.

I think that it would be helpful if you share the situations where the other person behaves badly and you stay quiet and think to yourself (as you have described) this is that other person's problem.

I know for myself that I have had a lot of experiences where another person was angry about something and took THEIR issues out on me. Their behavior was wrong and inappropriate. Sometimes it's important to speak up and even report someone if they behave badly enough.

[beauflow]

I'm not sure if I can write it here in the open forums, because it deals with "inappropriate" feeling in the work place... It can be a little messy in my mind too.. And it's all in my head, I think sometimes. Other times I don't.
It's nothing I needed to report, I don't think.

T mentioned that it is great that I try to take bad situations and make the best out of it, but that sometimes it's invalidating my anger and then it builds up I guess.

:/
That's how I've lived- take what I can and try to make it better.and honestly thought it was a positive thing, and resourceful... and it's shaking up my briefs to a degree; which is causing a ruckus in my head some days.

My anger though, I don't know what to do with it some days and most of the time I put it on me, rarely another.
And if I catch myself, I apologise

[phoenix7]

making the best of a bad situation is a good thing - but - if you are letting others ill treat you and making the best of that then its not

if you can laugh off someone being mean to you and not let it affect you thats great but it doesnt solve the problem of that person being mean if its ongoing - maybe thats what they meant?

[mote.of.soul]

Hi beauflow. I think it's okay to express your anger at people sometimes, we're only human. It's a bit trickier in the workplace, sure, but you can still express yourself in nonthreatening ways - assertive ways. Because it's not a good feeling to let people run roughshod over you all the time and I don't think it's good for the self esteem for one thing.

[beauflow]

It's been rough today, but unable to sleep.
When laying there I was thinking of this topic, making a bad situation grand.

I've been fighting with myself about going to my sister's funeral or not, it's next week.

I'm able to get time off (I'm already taking off time this week for grieving).

At the time I asked for these days I didn't know for certain the service date.
I was sure to stay with this decision of not changing anything for this week, because I need this time and really accepted this.

Part of trying to make a horrible situation as good Is the thoughts of- simply going to the funeral-
me thinking I am stable enough to go to the funeral.

that IF drama breaks out, that I can handle it.... Or if not, it's the "message" a self needs to validate on why I as a whole stays distant with my blood relatives.
That future self will give a "me" a pat on the back, even if I have a break down- because I got through it (in away pot myself in a situation where I may ret-traumatize myself and 'come out stronger').

The facts:
Nothing is really known till it happens. No one knows the future.

Perhaps people have changed, but how this all was handled screams past issues are still hot-for me at least. Which is an indicator, that I am not stable enough for this,

and that's ok- I may spend my whole life healing; but that doesn't mean to put myself back into a bad situation to try to make it as best as I can

That's my thoughts right now. Thanks everyone, sorry I'm so all over the place lately.

[Open Eyes]

Well, the whole idea behind a funeral is that it's a ceremonial way for family and friends to pay their last respects to the individual that has passed away. Also, it provides a gathering where the children and spouse of the individual who passed away can be offered condolences and emotional support too. It is not unusual for individuals to attend a funeral of someone they do not know simply to provide emotional support for a spouse or child of the deceased that they do know.

So beauflow, if you do choose to attend this funeral you don't have to stay very long and you don't have to "be" anything other than one who is paying their final respects and perhaps just offer your quiet condolences to your sister's husband and children if there are any of these survivors left behind in your sister's own family. The deceased person doesn't have to be a big part of your own life in order to pay your last respects and you don't have to feel guilty if this individual and you did not have a close relationship either because often people do end up distancing from their family and can lose touch and this is especially true in the present in that it's not unusual for a family to spread out and settle in different states. Long ago families tended to stay in one area, but that is no longer the case.

[beauflow]

Well, the whole idea behind a funeral is that it's a ceremonial way for family and friends to pay their last respects to the individual that has passed away.

I know that-

There's other ways to do this comforting to others instead of rushing to fly out with money that I really should be saving for my other goal in life (I to live alone), and putting myself in a battle field that may more harmful to me than doing me well.

This is something I'll talk to my t on, but I believe this is hitting what she was trying to get me to understand.
For me to Knowingly going into a situation that Sparks are igniting at the moment, and with me not being stable enough- is irresponsible and invalidating to myself.

I can't save people, I shouldn't get myself in situations that may re-traumatize me or confirm negative core beliefs, especially when I'm aware that I'm not in a stable enough set of mind to take others ********.

That phrase, leave well enough alone, comes to mind right now.
Some may see that weak or selfish, but that's their perception. And I need to worry about right now is making peace with my decision on this topic. Why I'm taking steps with, I reached out to a few and will go from there.
I'm sorry if this is disagreed, but everyone is different- and that's ok.

[unaluna]

How do YOU FEEL about going or not going? Is being there important to you for whatever reason? Or, is going problematic?

Also, as a single person, i feel that social requirements like this are more difficult for us. We just dont have the built-in support and resources. For instance, for my uncle's funeral recently when the weather was always below ten degrees, i didnt have dependable transportation, where a family might have two cars and take the better one. And if the wife is too upset, the husband can drive. Etc.

Otoh, i traveled almost all day to attend a cousin's service. He was single, and i just wanted to be there.

So think about what you really want. Dont worry about other peoples expectations. Maybe talk to people ahead of time and see if it does still seem too messed up there to go back, or if there is someone you can connect with? And im sorry for your loss

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I know that-

There's other ways to do this comforting to others instead of rushing to fly out with money that I really should be saving for my other goal in life (I to live alone), and putting myself in a battle field that may more harmful to me than doing me well.

This is something I'll talk to my t on, but I believe this is hitting what she was trying to get me to understand.
For me to Knowingly going into a situation that Sparks are igniting at the moment, and with me not being stable enough- is irresponsible and invalidating to myself.

I can't save people, I shouldn't get myself in situations that may re-traumatize me or confirm negative core beliefs, especially when I'm aware that I'm not in a stable enough set of mind to take others ********.

That phrase, leave well enough alone, comes to mind right now.
Some may see that weak or selfish, but that's their perception. And I need to worry about right now is making peace with my decision on this topic. Why I'm taking steps with, I reached out to a few and will go from there.
I'm sorry if this is disagreed, but everyone is different- and that's ok.

This is a good post/reply ((beauflow)). You laid out the expense involved, where you are right now in your healing, and how you don't want to engage in doing something that could cause you harm. No, you are not being selfish or weak if you decide to do what's right for "you" in this challenge. You have a right to set your own boundaries.

[beauflow]

Thanks...

My internal antenna, says not to go. And it's confirmed today, not going.

Yesterday I took time and I wrote the kids, I wrote to my sister's S/O, even wrote to my one brother that I haven't seen in a while (not my oldest and not the one I check in once in a while- another brother). And also wrote my mother.
Most have understating.

I wrote to my mother believing it's to give her respect, of hearing the news that I wasn't traveling directly from me... rather than third party to her; and also the respect for others for not having that burden to tell her the news.

my note to my mother was sincere and empathic, my friend proof read it before I sent it.

I had apologize in advance for the disappointing news of me not going out, I wished her well, hope she found self care in this time of grieving; and i mentioned that I had understanding that she was going through a lot of pain.

Her reply:
I'm her disappointment and she's sad for me (pity) because I'm the way I am (because I don't feel stable enough).. She tells me that she's gotten no help from me, etc. That this funeral is for my sister. She also goes on to say she's left me her number several times and I never call-
I'm unsure where that number is, because in the messages it's not there. But she's right, I probably wouldn't call, and for good reasons why.

I could be a raging person, yes there's pain with this.
But where does that get me? I could curled up in a ball but where does that get me?
I did get sad, but wrote-

right now, I simply am preceiving this as she's hurt.
Not to take this personal, and to let the thoughts of some things come and go.

I'll never understand why she had kids (well I do, because some folks don't want to break the cycle), but we're all such a disappointment to her and horrible people; until we do something for her- then we're demigods.

I see t in a little bit, I'm thankful for friends, therapy and the little things that help get me by

[Unrigged64072835]

That sounds like a situation that would not be good for your healing. I'm glad you did write to the bereaved family, even if your mother was angry at you. I'm sure the others understood where you're at and you still connected with them.

But the other thing...being angry and taking it out on yourself...if it's not your fault, then disperse the anger...writing, hitting a pillow, play music and sing at the top of your voice--things that allow you to feel your anger and discharge it without harming yourself.

[Fuzzybear]