i AM SO fed up with this life .... you know what? I gave my kids all the love and protection i possibly could as they were growing up.... i'm not a perfect mother, who is? But they always knew they were loved.

I made a huge mistake ONE NIGHT during severe depression ... tried to end myu life ...... I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUR ME .... i truly believed that. A very selfish act. I will never forgive myself for it. That one night has %#@&#! up my whole relationship with my kids IMHO. They havent really been the same with me since ..... I find out now that my son told a friend, his mother came round today and SHE knows all about it ....

I've tried to explain to my son it was the DEPRESSION altering my thoughts .... i didn't do it because i didn't love him ..... i actually thought he's be better off without me .... and NOW I AM DAM WELL THINKING THE SAME ALL OVER AGAIN ......

I CANT DO THIS ANY MORE

my life is %#@&#! up .... and i've %#@&#! up my kids .... which is the last thing i ever wanted to do

[selfy]

jinny im so sorry you feel this way.

have my hugs and smileys to try to help you feel better.

love you

[snowflake_48888]

((((((jinny))))
I can't believe the kids would be better without you. You have been a major part of their growing up and I can't imagine they would feel better without you. Our kids can be selfish when it comes to their thoughts and feelings. Remember...they are infallible. At the young adult age their world revolves around them. But from experience things will change. They become less self centered and more aware of their surroundings. Hon....hang in there..it will happen. A day will come of understanding....believe me. I have had that in my kids. Some have taken longer but it did happen.

Hugs
Snowy

((Jinn)))))))

doing it again is not the answer
your son sounds like he loves you very much
could be he was just worryed about you
he may have needed someone to talk to
You know how that is
the other mom may have been worryed for you too
caring
As young adult like snow said kids have a hard time understanding sometimes whats going on
Thats why they are kids
Rmemeber they love you
They are just growing into adulthood

They are going to need you forever...
Your thier Mom
So thinking about it again is not the correct answer
Can you call a friend or your Dr?
Do like you did with your hubby print some stuff off for your son to read
So he can try to understand
Plus ((jinn)) he does not want to lose you
he loves you
muffy

[katheryn]

jin we all make mistakes i also did this to my kids while i was seperated thinking that the kids would be better of with there dad, but you know it was him that saved me but he didnt belive what i had done his so called friends told him i was faking he told daughtwer this she resented me for ages and watched me like a hawk, i even took her to kernow doc so i could get some meds to help me through that weekend

but i belive she is starting to understanding why

your son told his friend and mum coz he needed to talk about it
dont try to make him understand tell him you love him it was a mistake you are trying to learn to live past this

i agree with ((kathy)))))))))))
tell him you love him
and its ok to love yourself too
muffy

<font color="purple">I would like to tell a personal story that relates well to this, but it's about my friend, and I swore I would NEVER tell anyone, so I'm not going to. The most I can say is don't try killing yourself again because even though you think that you are hurting your son now...killing yourself would just wrek him. Tell him how much you love him, and love yourself too, and one day he'll understand. </font>

Oh gosh I'm so sorry I really felt so bad earlier .... i guess i acted a little hasty writing all that down .... I have spoken to Dom ... I told him again that at the time i loved them both so much I thought they would be better off wthout me, it wasn't that I didn't care .... i told him it was the illness ....

Also now i've thought about it i realise yes HE needs to talk to someone too .... i cant blame him for that. I know one day he will forgive me .... and i wouldn't ever put either of my kids thru that again ..... sometimes (i think Orange said this) I would like to unzip my head so that they could see why i'm like this sometimes .... i'm sorry i've posted like this ... i find it hard to realise that people care sometimes, my bad .....i just want you all to know i really appreciate you all so much, and i'm stupid for writing what i did

Sometimes for a fleeting moment it seems like a good idea ... but i know it totaly IS NOT ..... love y'all, Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Please don't be sorry for your posting or your reply. I can't tell you how close to home it hit me. I've been talking to my T; I want to die, my kids will be better off without me. I'm miserable. I can't believe what a mess my mental health is! But reading this has given me second thoughts about the impact on my children.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR POST!!!

((((((((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))))))))))))))))

This made me cry .... thankyou, I'm so glad it made you think .... my heart and love goes out to you sweet angel .... I'm always here if you need to talk, or leave me a pm ..... there is ALWAYS another way ....... i've been where you are, several times ..... it's not nice, it's crippling, it's so hard .... PC saved my life, I always say this ... one night I was at the end of my tether, I found PC and spoke to Raynaadi and Cajun first ........ I miss ((((((((((((((((((rayray)))))))))))))))))Cajun still supports me ..... ((((((((((((((Cajun))))))))))))) and so many more, Muffy, Snowy, Tymber, Kathy, Dec so many more in those days ... keep reaching out, talking, journaling, enjoying your wonderful children ....... it's not easy, but in the not so distant future you will be so happy and content that you are here ...... sending you more love and hugs, take good care of YOU .... make sure you do something that makes YOU feel good every day .....

....and you made me feel useful today ..... be proud that you have 2 wonderful children ....... hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[skeeweeaka]

You're not alone, I've done the same thing....my dd told one of her classmate when she was in second grade that I tried to committ suicide and of course she told her parents.... It is a small school and now they all shun me and are afraid for me to be around their children... A few have personally attacked me because their kids asked them at the time what was suicide... She's twelve now and see's the ups and downs for herself...she knows what depression is first hand...

It's difficult when people know what you have done. It is difficult to still struggle with the thought that they would be better off without you... I struggle with it every day because I am truly a mess and have been for a very long time... I don't have the answer, except I talk to my therapist weekly about it and she always tells me it would destroy my daughter... Yes I would be free from all the pain, but all of that pain would be transferred to my dd...and then she might committ suicide...heavy sigh...so I struggle to not pull the trigger...

TJ

((((((((((((((((((((hugs my friend)))))))))))))))))

yep, that's one legacy i will never leave with my kids ..... at the time the depression talks .... that one time i was so desperate cos i wasn't getting any help at all, i just couldn't see a way out .... but there always is a way out .... now they are fleeting thoughts ............ take care of you ....love, Jinny xxxxx