[MINIME]

I think I told you guys about the email my aunt fowarded from my mom. The horriable horrable email coversation they were having between them and how for some reason she fowarded this to me with no warning. Once i started reading it I couldnt stop. It was very distressing. However I stuffed it down and went on because I had to. I also had the flashbacks of the kidnapping and I shoved the feelings I had down to. Then chrostmas time ebing the anniversary of the time my mom got into that shooting match with the cops and we were in the middle. I keep stuffing that down also. Then my uncle and his announcement and my realization I have been kidding myself that he could ever be a dad to me, so I just stuffed those down to. then the neighbor who I like and herbaby whom I watch for her as a favor are moving and my hart is breaking and I stuff it all down to. Then my emdr time is being moved from two hours to on hour and 20 min and that scares me too, i dont know if it will work, I stuffed that down to.
I had therapy yesterday and i could talk about this at all. iIt all so shoeved inside that it could just blow and i was afraid and I was nervous because I hadnt seen my therapist in two week I had talked to her but didnt see her and so i left her office and got in the parking lot and it all blew open and I flt so suicidal and it scared me. I tried to call my t's but was unable to reach them so i shoved it all back in as best as i could and went over to be with the baby and she is so stessed and clingy so when my T's called back I couldnt talk to them because I was trying to be a calm being to help this poor baby whos parents are breaking up and fighting and they have thrown off her schedule and her mom is crying and she being 9 months absorbs this and her little body was stressed. So I held her and sang to her while she clung to me and cried on and off. So then i picked up my girls in oregon after the babies mom got home when i got home my body was shivering and shaking my legs hurt (a flashbacK) I started crying and threw up. I told my kids i was sick and went to bed. I feel weak this morning and worn out.
stephanie aka stuffanie.

[Sannah]

Can you call your T's again?

[skymonk]

Your family sounds majorly dysfunctional&just plain mean. Mine's like that too. I'm lucky though-none of my family lives in the same state as me&my Dad doesn't have e-mail. I get phone calls that are tolerable mostly from my Dad&my Mom's a thing you don't want to know about. I have no siblings, but I do have an aunt&an aunt&uncle that are supportive. I don't know what's going to happen once they're gone. It's good that you post here&keep seeing your t's-Happy New Year!

[phoenix7]

(((MINIME)))

as sannah said can you ring your t's again? or email them? - if not can you write it all out - everything you are feeling and thinking just to get it out of your head and onto the paper - tell us here what you feel - just let it out

i really hope you can get a hold of your t's - take care P7

[Christine1123]

(((Minime)))
I agree can you call your T again and get some help with this
take care of you
muffy

[MINIME]

It brought tears to my eyes to sign in and read the replies to my posts and the PM's and visitor messages. How can I forget I am blessed by this place.
I did talk to my T's today and I have a sorta safety contract with my reg T. She made me pinky promise that i would be safe....and my promises expecially to her are gold. That was last night. Then today she called me to check up on me and told me my promise was for the rest of my life. I told her a week is what I can give her. I dont want to hurt myself at all. I just get impulses when my brain gets so over whelmed.
Today i am doing better. I am tired and wobbly. The baby next door is doing so much better and she blew me kisses today..I taught her that. I think I need a plan when my brain gets over whelmed and a way to make it so i can talk about it and deal with it. My reg T asked me today what she could do to help me talk to her when I am over whelmed and i dont know.....

[Ascension]

I hope you are feeling a bit better. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel without feeling weak. Sometimes the guilt of feeling overwhelmed and weak is the straw that breaks the camels back. I am glad to see that you are also able to help others in need and that is admirable but don't over do it or neglect your needs because it's easy to over extend. It sounds like you have a lot to offer those people in your life, so in order to be able to help them to the best of your ability make sure you take care of yourself too. They need you. You know what they say when you step on a plane. "In the event of cabin depressurization place YOUR oxygen mask on first, then help others." Besides you deserve to have some peace in your life too.

[johnvictorwonner]

please help me

Originally Posted by MINIME

I think I told you guys about the email my aunt fowarded from my mom. The horriable horrable email coversation they were having between them and how for some reason she fowarded this to me with no warning. Once i started reading it I couldnt stop. It was very distressing. However I stuffed it down and went on because I had to. I also had the flashbacks of the kidnapping and I shoved the feelings I had down to. Then chrostmas time ebing the anniversary of the time my mom got into that shooting match with the cops and we were in the middle. I keep stuffing that down also. Then my uncle and his announcement and my realization I have been kidding myself that he could ever be a dad to me, so I just stuffed those down to. then the neighbor who I like and herbaby whom I watch for her as a favor are moving and my hart is breaking and I stuff it all down to. Then my emdr time is being moved from two hours to on hour and 20 min and that scares me too, i dont know if it will work, I stuffed that down to.
I had therapy yesterday and i could talk about this at all. iIt all so shoeved inside that it could just blow and i was afraid and I was nervous because I hadnt seen my therapist in two week I had talked to her but didnt see her and so i left her office and got in the parking lot and it all blew open and I flt so suicidal and it scared me. I tried to call my t's but was unable to reach them so i shoved it all back in as best as i could and went over to be with the baby and she is so stessed and clingy so when my T's called back I couldnt talk to them because I was trying to be a calm being to help this poor baby whos parents are breaking up and fighting and they have thrown off her schedule and her mom is crying and she being 9 months absorbs this and her little body was stressed. So I held her and sang to her while she clung to me and cried on and off. So then i picked up my girls in oregon after the babies mom got home when i got home my body was shivering and shaking my legs hurt (a flashbacK) I started crying and threw up. I told my kids i was sick and went to bed. I feel weak this morning and worn out.
stephanie aka stuffanie.

[MINIME]

Thanks((HUG)) I am. The funny thing is that with me..taking care of infants and kids and people in need helps. It gives me a place to put all this love and compassion god gave me...he gave me all this and put me in a family where it was unwanted..but I know when I am holding a crying infant who is stressed and her little body is tense, giving her what she needs and aiding her brings me to a place that is healing. Yesterday it was a bad day and yes i need to make sure I dont get that way again. This baby was so distressed yesterday she started humming and rocking herself..it was so sad. I just held her and sang to her and bathed her fed her warm bottles.

[phoenix7]

why not try and get a box and put all those happy thoughts in it for if the darkness threatens to come back - keep copies of threads that have helped you - pictures of people you care for and who care for you - funny pics or quotes, perfume or lavender flowers - just a thought.....

[MINIME]

good idea P7 thanks

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MINIME

I think I need a plan when my brain gets over whelmed and a way to make it so i can talk about it and deal with it.

This is a good idea Mini . I'm glad you are feeling better .....

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( MINIME ))))))))))))))))

[MINIME]

My emdr gave me some ideas on how not to stuff and I will try them. She also said we will stay at 2 hours because she thinks it helpful to me and sh otld me next time i gt impulsive suicide feelings i cant control i could ask the front desk to walk to her office and tell her I need her or come and sit in the waiting room and wait for her. She says I am doing so good and she cares about me. She wrote a plan when the impusive suicide thoughts happen. i feel so much safer. She also said if I need someone on weekends she could try and find somthing that would work. i am so lucky and its public mental health also. LOL

[phoenix7]

I am so happy that you have a plan and that things are starting to come together for you - you have earned this success - take care P7

[Sannah]

Wow, Mini, you are so well taken care of!