[phoenix7]

I am having trouble coping and its my own fault! Geez i cant even press the right buttons ! I am so angry and ...scared and angry - did I say that ! I so want that guy banging his head against a wall - but i pressed the wrong d*** button! aaarrrggghhh!

I put myself down to work over the holidays - it helps others out so they can be with their families and it helps me out because i have less time to be weak and pathetic!!!!!!! grrrr - that's ok - then they say they need to cut staff and who puts their hand up - yep you got it ! dumb old me! but it was that or be deployed to another ward where i dont know the exits (yes I know that sounds dumb - this whole thing sounds dumb )and I wouldnt know tha patients and I wouldnt know the staff and I know I wouldnt cope with that so i put in for holidays - and im not coping and i am so ANGRY with myself for not coping - for crying out loud!, why dont I learn! listen! get better! do somthing! anything! I should be happy - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard how ungrateful am I - why cant i just snap out of this!!!!! I am sitting here rocking back and forth like some ***** baby!

I dont want to bring anyone down but if I dont say this I will go crazier than I already am - if thats possible! I am just angry and scared .... and sad.

[deliquesce]

((((p7)))

i don't know where you're working, lovely, and i'm kind of dumb at the best of times (!) so i'm not really sure i understand your situation.

but i hear your frustration and anger at yourself, and i *know* that you need to ease up on yourself a bit. you did what you thought best at the time, and that's all we can ever do.

please come back and keep talking, i will try to stay with you if i can.

xo deli

[Mouse_]

((P7)) its ok to feel how you feel, its human!

[skeksi]

Oh, P7, I'm sorry you're hurting.

Sometimes when we're stressed by situations (like the holidays), it feels like we can't do anything right, like no matter what choices we make, we're wrong. But that's not true; we're just hurting and feeling stuck.

Be kind to yourself right now.

[Sannah]

Phoenix, do you think that you were just trying to be cooperative and helpful to others but in the process you weren't thinking about what you needed?

[Capp]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I am having trouble coping and its my own fault! Geez i cant even press the right buttons ! I am so angry and ...scared and angry - did I say that ! I so want that guy banging his head against a wall - but i pressed the wrong d*** button! aaarrrggghhh!

I put myself down to work over the holidays - it helps others out so they can be with their families and it helps me out because i have less time to be weak and pathetic!!!!!!! grrrr - that's ok - then they say they need to cut staff and who puts their hand up - yep you got it ! dumb old me! but it was that or be deployed to another ward where i dont know the exits (yes I know that sounds dumb - this whole thing sounds dumb )and I wouldnt know tha patients and I wouldnt know the staff and I know I wouldnt cope with that so i put in for holidays - and im not coping and i am so ANGRY with myself for not coping - for crying out loud!, why dont I learn! listen! get better! do somthing! anything! I should be happy - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard how ungrateful am I - why cant i just snap out of this!!!!! I am sitting here rocking back and forth like some ***** baby!

I dont want to bring anyone down but if I dont say this I will go crazier than I already am - if thats possible! I am just angry and scared .... and sad.

((P7))
please don't be so hard on yourself...

Thank you for sharing and giving us a chance to give back some of the support that you have given us.

Stresses are triplied this time of year, and it will wear us down. We're human and it's all right to have a mixture of feelings going on at the same time...we do the best we can.

Cap

[Christine1123]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I am having trouble coping and its my own fault! Geez i cant even press the right buttons ! I am so angry and ...scared and angry - did I say that ! I so want that guy banging his head against a wall - but i pressed the wrong d*** button! aaarrrggghhh!

I put myself down to work over the holidays - it helps others out so they can be with their families and it helps me out because i have less time to be weak and pathetic!!!!!!! grrrr - that's ok - then they say they need to cut staff and who puts their hand up - yep you got it ! dumb old me! but it was that or be deployed to another ward where i dont know the exits (yes I know that sounds dumb - this whole thing sounds dumb )and I wouldnt know tha patients and I wouldnt know the staff and I know I wouldnt cope with that so i put in for holidays - and im not coping and i am so ANGRY with myself for not coping - for crying out loud!, why dont I learn! listen! get better! do somthing! anything! I should be happy - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard how ungrateful am I - why cant i just snap out of this!!!!! I am sitting here rocking back and forth like some ***** baby!

I dont want to bring anyone down but if I dont say this I will go crazier than I already am - if thats possible! I am just angry and scared .... and sad.

I agree with Sannah. You sound like a selfless person, and it seems like you were helping others without trying to help yourself. Don't be mad at yourself for not coping. It can be very hard to cope sometimes. Sometimes it even seems impossible, but it's not.
You're not being ungrateful. You're in pain. The pain is clearly outweighing your coping resources. It's good that you're reaching out for help- that helps manage your pain. Give yourself a hug and let yourself know that you are worth it. It may feel silly(it does to me) but after a while you'll start to believe it. Besides, it's the truth.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Phoenix, do you think that you were just trying to be cooperative and helpful to others but in the process you weren't thinking about what you needed?

It was an automatic thing, they said they needed someone to take hols or one of us would be deployed to another ward for the next few days - i have lots of leave saved up so I put my hand up - but it was a damned if you do damned if you dont situation - I had a good idea that i wouldnt cope without being at work but i was even more certain i wouldnt cope on another ward - and I was too chicken to find out so I said id take leave
(i have a lot of leave saved up because i have wanted to stay at work where i have to be busy not at home where i can fall apart so easily)

As to going to another ward - I see danger everywhere at the moment - so being somewhere where the patients were an unknown and where i didnt know where i could run to if i needed to was too much - that sounds so dumb - but its how i feel - push me out of my comfort zone even a little and i tend to start shaking - thought i was past that - but not - you see i just dont learn! - I'm barely holding it together these days and this could have been the straw that broke this camels back so I took the easy way out and said id take leave - at least if i fall apart at home no-one but my cats will see

I feel like a mouse in a wheel and im dizzy and i want to get off - but i cant. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday - what a waste - my place is a mess i should have tidied up but i didnt and probably wont today - I'm not angry anymore just sad.... and i dont want to be sad anymore ... im so tired of being sad.

thankyou all for your support P7

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Hugs from an Angel!

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I spent the whole day in bed yesterday - what a waste - my place is a mess i should have tidied up but i didnt and probably wont today

That's how I spent my day today. It actually makes a lot of sense--we're dealing with stresses, and it's exhausting. We expect ourselves to be superman, you know? To deal with all the hurt and pain and still get our houses clean!

I am thinking of you, {{{P7}}}

[Luce]

Hi there Phoenix. We humans do make silly mistakes sometimes, don't we?

But, you know... it sounds like you made the right decision by offering to take leave, given that you possibly could have been sent somewhere where you *know* you wouldn't cope. And now, it sounds like you're having a little trouble coping with the leave thing... From what you've posted, my understanding is that you're too stressed and overwhelmed to do much of anything except stay in bed. And you're feeling a lot of emotional pain *and* giving yourself a really hard time about all the things you *should* be doing...

P7, seems to me that maybe what you *should* be doing is listening to yourself, and taking care of yourself, and giving yourself exactly what you need.

Maybe you could have a holiday in bed. Gather loads of treats around yourself... safe, warm blankets; stuffies; favorite music, drinks and treat foods; burn some calming incense or oil. Give yourself permission to do NOTHING but stay in bed. The housework will wait (AND it won't get any worse while you're taking your bed vacation!) Let yourself cry and feel sad if you need to. Let yourself rock for as long as it gives you comfort. Watch a movie or read books if you want. Jump and down on the bed if the mood strikes you. Give yourself the time and space to feel exactly what you need to feel, and surround yourself with comforts while you're in that space. If you cry, pat your arm and tell yourself "it's ok" while you do. Nurture yourself. Take care of you exactly as you would care for a sick or stressed out child.

Staying in bed does not necessarily have to be looked upon as a 'waste'. It can also be turned into incredibly nurturing and healing self-care time.

Go on.... I challenge you to take a vacation in bed!

[MINIME]

p7....that sucks. the holidays are over...i am glad. im sorry things sucked for you. u r a good support and i wish u lived close and we could do stuff fun stuff.

[phoenix7]

they rang and said did i want to take leave for tomorrow and be back on monday and i said yes - funny thing - now ive had two days off i dont want to go back (all this fuss and pain over two days! ) - im too tired and i dont care anymore. I just want to curl up into a little ball under the covers and not come out again until im healed.(ok that would be a big ball )

I cant struggle against this anymore - i sat up today and did nothing -except look at the things i should be doing -so i might just as well have been in bed - im just too tired - i suppose ive wound down from being at work, so i guess i'll take you up on your challenge Luce, maybe I can sleep this off, maybe all i need is rest and now i have till monday to get it - im not sad anymore - im not really anything anymore - apart from tired -maybe thats it - im not really anything and this is all a figment of my imagination, a bad dream and i will wake up - but somehow i dont think so - but it was nice for just a moment to think this was all a dream - totally nuts in the head! but nice thanks for your support P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

It was an automatic thing,

that sounds so dumb - but its how i feel - push me out of my comfort zone even a little and i tend to start shaking

Phoenix, I know why it was an automatic response for you. All of us grew up meeting the needs of others while our needs were ignored. Realizing that you do this is the first step. Telling yourself that it is okay to take care of yourself first is the second step.

I recently had an incident that showed me how far I have come. I am on the Board of our subdivision. When tasks come up that need to be done I sit there quietly and comfortably and do not volunteer for all of them. I sat there and told myself "wow, I'm even comfortable doing this! I was really happy!"

Your response to unfamiliar environments is not dumb! It is expected with PTSD. Please honor yourself and accept that this is normal and expected and that you will work through it. Taking care of yourself and your needs and placing yourself in these positions as little as possible will help you feel safer. In order to overcome it maybe do gradual things to expand your comfort zone?

You have to work from where you are at and not from where you wish you were. Change is gradual.....

[phoenix7]

thanks Sannah im glad you were able to deal with the meeting in a way that met your needs - it is a big step for all of us to put ourselves first and a hard one - I tell my patients families that they should take care of themselves first so they have the strength to take care of their loved ones - maybe i should take my own advice LOL

as to working from where i am and not where i wish i were - i think that is a major struggle i have with myself and a source of much pain and grief for me - i have trouble admitting where i am and that i need assistance - i still feel it wont come although i have no proof of that - only the past to guide me - i dont want to be seen as needy by anyone - i had no needs as a child or that is what i tell myself now - no needs then and no needs now - but there is a void i cant fill and i dont know how - back to work tomorrow and i will push all this back into the box in my head so i can do a good job and give it my full attention - but its still there and i dont know how to get rid of it P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

i have trouble admitting where i am and that i need assistance

i dont want to be seen as needy by anyone

i had no needs as a child or that is what i tell myself now - no needs then and no needs now

What is so scary about having needs?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What is so scary about having needs?

its hard for me to say..... it hurts when i think about it... I dont remember most of my childhood - i locked it up and threw away the key - but i do remember that people always seemed to let me down - small things like not coming to school events when they said they would (my mum was working so couldnt come and my dad just lied)- my dad forever making promises he did not keep - and me believing them - children can be so trusting - but it hurts and its all part of the pain i carry inside and cant get rid of - so i seperated myself from the world, from people, if i asked for nothing it would not hurt so much when i didnt get it -

after the sexual abuse I became sure that the reason no-one could love me was because i was an evil child (now i realise there was not much a 6 or 7 year old could have done in that situation) - my eldest sister always told me i was evil, and that everything was my fault because i jinxed everything, so maybe it was true - this became a self fullfilling prophecy because around her i was so nervous i was always breaking things - which seemed to prove her point to her and me. So i guess that child didnt get the love and support it so desperately needed and so i decided that having needs was just another way to feel pain - no needs - no pain when people dont meet them - or when i dont meet my own needs

its a hollow way to live, and when I was attacked at work it opened up all of this and i knew i wouldnt get through it without help - I needed help - and when the first work referred T said "we all have feeling like that" when I opened up and told him about my "bad" thoughts - and that i should pull myself together - not his exact words but my interpretation -it was like being back in my childhood - i was being dismissed - i had reached out and was slapped down - with my current T - I am still afraid that .... that the support there will disapear - like everything seems to disapear when I really need it -so I guess my protect button gets pushed and I try to pretend that i dont need anything or anyone - that way it wont hurt when they walk away and leave me - but i feel so desperate inside - and its like if i dont admit that, say it out loud, then its not true, its not real, ... but it is and it hurts so much i can hardly bear it - i dont know what to do - im sorry ive rambled a bit - I hope somewhere in here i have answered your question P7

[Sannah]

Phoenix, you have answered my question completely and I hope it has helped you to see the issues more clearly. So you deny your needs so that you won't get hurt and then you still hurt yourself by doing this? Is it better though for you to hurt yourself than for others to be in control of it in this way (by letting you down)?

[phoenix7]

at least i am used to the pain i give myself, and i had shutdown a load of things so that i wouldnt feel the pain when I seperated myself from the world and decided it would be much better for both the world and me if that was the way i stayed - bad blood and all running through my viens.

After i was attacked the T i saw got everything out on the table (so to speak) opened all of pandoras box's and i am having a hard time dealing with it all - i feel like im from another planet I have had my "face" on for so long i dont really know who i was - if that was the real me - and i dont much like the new one -

letting people in is dangerous - I may be hard on the outside but i am soft as butter on the inside - unsure of everything - insecure (much as i hate to admit it) and .... vulnerable (oooh I so want to say NOT NOT NOT! - but that wouldnt be true and i am trying to be "real" here - that's a good word - real - i wish i knew what that was - and mostly i am afraid, afraid of ..lets just say it - rejection and the pain it will bring - dumb, dumb, dumb, ive dealt with that enough as a child i should be an expert by now!

I dont know what the answer is - I stand in the middle of a storm and try to see a way out but i cant see any - there is only the storm - i dont know what to do to make this better - i just want it to end. P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

letting people in is dangerous - I may be hard on the outside but i am soft as butter on the inside - unsure of everything - insecure (much as i hate to admit it) and .... vulnerable (oooh I so want to say NOT NOT NOT! - but that wouldnt be true and i am trying to be "real" here - that's a good word - real - i wish i knew what that was - and mostly i am afraid, afraid of ..lets just say it - rejection and the pain it will bring - dumb, dumb, dumb, ive dealt with that enough as a child i should be an expert by now!

I can certainly understand what you have explained here. So you feel vulnerable and you are afraid of rejection. Again, normal responses considering what you have been through. I would think that it would be helpful to learn how to protect yourself first before you let others close. Protecting yourself first involves believing that you have the right to protect yourself and that you will do it everytime that you need to. If something holds you back from protecting yourself (like not believing that your needs can come before others) then you need to deal with this first. After this then being able to size people up and know when they are safe or not.

I think that healing from this past rejection is important too by talking about it with your therapist.

[phoenix7]

thanks Sannah for helping me see things a little clearer - I will try to talk to my T about it - but it's hard - the adult in me says this is the past and thats gone - I was a child then - i am an adult now - I dont know, it's just difficult and painful to admit that i havnt dealt with this - that its a problem - that i need help and im afraid of my reactions if things go wrong - isnt that strange to be afraid of yourself? and im afraid of my T's reactions - I dont know if i can open up this pain and survive - I just dont know. I am holding it together though, so ..... I see her next week .

(((phoenix7)))) its ok to say you need help. In fact I think its good thing.
WHat happens in our child hood does effect us as adults.
yes the past is gone,.but its still memories..
you can make it. Your T will handle it fine
its ok to be afraid we all are at some point in ours lives.
((you matter)))))))))))
muffy

[phoenix7]

i just seem to be afraid a lot lately, it wears you down, wears you out, I am so tired of being afraid, afraid to reach out, afraid not to, afraid of myself, but i have posted here and that is a step in the right direction - i realise more of what is the problem - that should make it easier to deal with - but it just seems to sometimes make the mountain higher and not worth the effort of climbing. I'm just a bit down - i will survive because i always have.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

the adult in me says this is the past and thats gone - I was a child then - i am an adult now -

im afraid of my reactions if things go wrong - isnt that strange to be afraid of yourself? and im afraid of my T's reactions - I dont know if i can open up this pain and survive .

You're welcome P7 . Your inner child hasn't expressed her feelings yet, though. This is what brings these incidents into the present. When she can speak, express and purge then she can let go and heal.

Your fears are valid. It is tough to let this stuff out but people do manage to do it with therapy and support ......... I guess it feels like you are reliving it but my good friend here Multipixie always says that you survived it the first time so this second time won't be as bad and then you get better..........

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( phoenix7 ))))))))))))))))))