[iamtwilight]

rambling. venting.

triggering.

i grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. think my father has always drank. mother beat me up a lot when i was young. think she stopped when i was around 13, when i had just gotten my beagle (may he rest in peace) and he attacked her when she started arguing.

one of the few memories from my childhood includes sitting in car with mom, after she had fought with father, and packed all of her stuff. we're waiting for a train to cross, and suddenly she asks me, do you think we should get on the tracks?

ok, the violence on mother's part stopped when i was a teenager, thanks to my intergalactic wonder beagle. father drank still. he was pretty violent. emotionally abusive mostly, but pretty violent. i have some disgusting memories involving him, that trace back to my early childhood, but i'm not sure if they are real.

anyway, father's drinking has and is still taking its toll on all of us. even my sister, who is 13 years older than me, and has lived on her own since she was 16 (i'm 20 now), has nightmares about him being drunk. she isn't even in immediate contact with him, and she has nightmares about him. exactly how screwed up is that?

needless to say, my "home" has always been a battlefield.

when i started going out with my friends, meeting guys, i noticed that i would hit everyone who tried to get close to me. i would kiss and then hit and become a completely different person. i blamed the drink for this.

well, i moved in with my boyfriend well over a month ago, and been having angry outbursts more often, for various reasons. paranoia, weight fluctuation, thinking he doesn't love me, seeing him as the abuser.. and i've hit him. 100% sober.

now she's in jail for attacking her man..
- - celine dion, "treat her like a lady"

i seriously need a course in anger management.

though of course, i break down crying after i realize what i've done. and i hate it when he apologizes for something that was definitely my fault.

i don't want to break him, me being broken is enough. this relationship isn't gonna work if i'm going to wreck him just by being the way i am.

oh yeah, another wonderful thing, started seeing a new psych nurse because i moved to another city, and have to start allll over again. and the former one passed on the info about my most diagnosis, which is, schizoaffective disorder. (which i don't deny, but they just put too much emphasis on it)

i seriously need a course in anger management.

repeating oneself is good.

i haven't gone crazy, and i'm not fooling around.
- - some guy in the game silent hill


twilight

[Mouse_]

. .

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by iamtwilight

i seriously need a course in anger management.

repeating oneself is good.

Yep...it seems that you might need to do some digging on anger twilight..

It's wonderfull that you know.

But you should also know that if you don't attend on your own,,somewhere along the road you will ordered to by the court...or worse..

Take the action twilight...you have a whole life ahead without the anger...



With Care,

Lenny

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( twilight )))))))))))))))))))))

I agree that you should seek help with your anger issues, A t can help you with this or you could take an anger management class. Remember this would be a good step for you, I believe that you would have a happier life without the anger issues. I am so glad that you are able to see this as a problem, to me it shows how good your heart is.

[pegasus]

(((((((( twilight )))))))))

After everything that has happened to you as a child, no wonder you have that anger boiling under the surface. I would be suggesting therapy to deal with the trauma rather than a quick fix anger management course.

Have a chat with the psych nurse, or even show her the post you have written. You are out of the battle field now, but as you said, with your sister the trauma has stayed with her also.

You don't need to be carrying all that baggage round with you now, ask about finding a good T.

Let me know how you get on.

[Sannah]

Twilight, all the other posts are excellent. Is there any way that you can stop yourself before you react (hit)? It might take a few times focusing before you are successful. I think that you can stop this "reflex". Do you think that you hit because you feel that you are powerless?

[iamtwilight]

(((Mouse, Lenny, Gimmeice, Pegasus, Sannah)))

Many thanks for the wonderful, compassionate posts. How come you guys always know what to say? Even when it concerns a violent freak like me. Well, in my heart I swear I'm not like that - it's just that... it happens.

In reply to Sannah's questions, I would say I have absolutely no idea why I react that way. Maybe I do feel powerless. I recall that on Monday, I hit him because I thought that he thought that I was stupid.. when in fact, he was trying to show affection (I think - I don't remember much about it). That if he thinks I'm stupid the way I am, then I'm weak, and being angry doesn't mean I'm weak - so that's why I had to act like that.

Maybe that is the reason. I don't know, I just came up with it, or maybe it's just a pathetic use for something that would make a good explanation.

Anyway.. the journey towards psychotherapy continues (not like it hasn't been going on for the past 6 months, but they just tell me I'm too psychotic for that, grr).. Thanks for your compassion, it means a lot to me to see that people believe I'm not really that kinda jerk.


Twilight

[phoenix7]

Hi iamtwilight,

I am glad that you are getting help - about the anger thing - I got told recently that anger is a way of keeping in control - sounds screwy, but it makes some sense to me - if I'm angry I can keep people at a distance and while im angry I am in control - in an out of control sort of way - It also stops people from getting clsoe to me when I feel that I have let them in too much (which is not very much!) - If I feel Im getting angry i take myself away from others and try to reason it out - either by writing it down - or doing relaxation stuff like breathing techniques - dont' know if this makes sense - hope things get better for you and your partner - admitting you have a problem is the hardest thing - now that you have, the healing can start. take care P7

[iamtwilight]

(((phoenix7))) thanks for sharing. it makes perfect sense! and i totally agree.

and another problem is that by suppressing anger, it becomes an even bigger problem, that when you think you're in control by "releasing a little bit of anger", it really is very out of control.

control. i love and hate that word.

many thanks to all.


twilight

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by iamtwilight

That if he thinks I'm stupid the way I am, then I'm weak

Weak, powerless.........????

[stefanie]

Is it possible that it wasn't safe to be angry as a child so anger that has been bottled up all that time comes now? Like a survival mechanism... diverting the feelings.

[Capp]

twilight, you've gotten very sound advice and much caring...I hope it helps you.
My 1.5 cents (adjusted for inflation) is suggesting you look into Adult Children of Alcoholics--ACOA. It address the issues that are part of being an ACOA. It can be a way of starting to understand the affects of it. Jme, of course.

I agree with Stefani about it not being safe to show anger, or most any feeling, when I was growing up.
Anger in my family equaled rage and it frightened me what I might be capable of doing...
Yeah, anger management class helped me once I understood there were easier ways of handling it. I say easier because it shrunk my guilt about the way I had been reacting...it empowered me to know I did not have to follow the old ways.

[iamtwilight]

thanks (((all))) for your insight. it's all very much appreciated, i can't even put it into words how grateful i am for all the replies.

just made some research the other day, i didn't find any anger management classes, partly because i can't translate it into my first language... (odd, i know, but been speaking it simultaneously with english for so long it gets confusing sometimes) and partly because it is a part of my country's culture to suppress feelings. basically all kinds of feelings.. happiness too, but especially sadness.

add the effects of abuse/abrasive home life -> you've got a perfect catastrophe waiting to be unleashed in one way or another.

capp - the 1.5 cents comment actually made me grin like mad for about a minute. thanks.


twilight