[silver_tear]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, I'm not even sure why I'm posting this actually, but I really need to vent out and speak about my feeling, also I'm confused.

Okay, some history about me: I had a very turbulent childhood with my parents. My father was an alcoholic, he used to beat the crap out of my mother in front of me, beatings like 2 broken ribs, frequent black eyes, once he also tried to push her out of the balcony, and eventually my mother began to drink too to cope, I guess... too make a long story short I ended living with alcoholic parents seeing a lot of physical abuse, I lived in fear, felt alone (I am an only child), felt neglected, felt ripped out of my happiness that a normal child deserves, and had to be very mature at a young age trying to take care of my mother whenever she was beaten or too drunk.

Now a days my father doesn't live with us anymore, it's just me and my mother, and I'm now am almost 22. Haven't spoken to my father in years, and although I live with my mother and I do love her a lot, I feel a lot of anger towards her, and my father, but I'm focusing on her because I live with her now, my father is kinda dead to me. I can't really stand to talk to her for more than 10 mins and I feel very uncomfortable around her, we dont exactly have a healthy mother/daughter realtionship. She is very demanding of me and whatever I do its not enough for her. She still drinks ocassionally although she doesnt get drunk, just tipsy, but she is very annoying when she drinks, basically blaims things on me, she yells at me accusing me of being a failure, and that I am on my father's side etc etc, and this pisses me off beyond belief. I feel she was never understanding of me, she never realized how much pain I was put through because of her and my father, I feel they were egoists and didnt care for me at all. Nowadays I feel so frustrated, I realize this during my anger outbursts with her, and I get scared of myself because It's like I have all this bottled up feelings which I dont even know about and when I'm that angry they overcome me....I'm confused... I'm not sure if this is PSTD.

Lately I'm loosing it very easily with her. I realize that maybe are small things which I get so frustrated about, I begin to yell and cry uncontrollably, smash things and hit my fists on the furniture. This does not happen often, but it happens when she gets me mad sometimes. I am a calm person, and patient really, but she is the only one who makes me go mad like THAT, and I'm begining to think I may have repressed anger back from my childhood days. After this anger outbursts I get really upset and feel guilty, but in that very moment when I have those outbursts, I feel so much hate and anger in me that I just can't calm down immediately, I feel so hurt in those moments, I can feel I'm not angry only about the specific subject which got me mad in the first place, but actually memories, words, everything which hurt me before, come to me in such an intensity...

I'm sorry for the long post, but I really needed to let that out, some advices, opinions, or just some sort of feedback is appreciated...
Thanks for reading/listening...

*sighs*

[cantstopcrying]

I'm sorry you had such a hurtful childhood and that it seems to continue in a different form now. It doesn't sound like you have had any therapy or anyone at all to talk to to help work through all this. Dealing with that kind of pain and anger and images will definately leave a lot of things bottled up inside you and they will need to come out--either through outbursts or through working through them. Please remember that you need to give yourself love and care; consider finding someone to talk to. Please also know that we are always here whenever you need to vent. When you have time, take a look around at the forums, read old posts from others, you may find helpful information there.

[silver_tear]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

I'm sorry you had such a hurtful childhood and that it seems to continue in a different form now. It doesn't sound like you have had any therapy or anyone at all to talk to to help work through all this. Dealing with that kind of pain and anger and images will definately leave a lot of things bottled up inside you and they will need to come out--either through outbursts or through working through them. Please remember that you need to give yourself love and care; consider finding someone to talk to. Please also know that we are always here whenever you need to vent. When you have time, take a look around at the forums, read old posts from others, you may find helpful information there.

Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate it a lot. I will read past posts, it will feel better to know that there are people who are going through this as well.

I never spoke with a therapist, although I speak about it once in a while with my bf, he was/is a savior in my life in many aspects, when I'm upset and angry like that he manages to calm me down, but unfortunately I don't feel relieved when i talk about it with him because he has a very healthy bond with his mother and family in general, so I feel he can't understand me, or really understand my pain, so I just avoid talking about the matter most of the times. To make matters worst I'm a kind of person who is reservate and tries to ignore problems, pretending they're just something tempoarary... The only thing which would really heal me would be my mother understanding my pain, and be more loving/ appreciative of me, but I also am pretty sure she has issues herself because she was an abused woman, so I don't know if matters will ever resolve, or if I will ever be capable of make ammends and accept my past, or forgiving my parents for ruining a part of my life forever.

[cantstopcrying]

It may feel that that is the only thing that will heal you, but you may surprise yourself someday. Healing is such a long road, sometime we run as fast as we can down it and never look back, and sometimes we stumble and fall. Just please know we are here and will help you however we can.

[Sannah]

ST, it sounds like your mom is probably toxic so to get anything normal out of her is probably a long shot. I can see why you would be angry. You didn't have functional parents and to make it worse you had to take care of them........

I hear you needing your mom to understand and finally give you what you need but that probably isn't going to happen. You can still heal though, just like many of us here, even though our parents never turned around.....

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( silver_tear )))))))))))))))))



I agree that you may find therapy helpful in working through these emotions, I can really understand where you are coming from, my childhood was different from yours but I still share the anger issues with you. The likely hood that your mother is going to understand where you are coming from and acknowledge your experiences is very low, we can't fix others instead we can only work on ourselves and help the ones that want to heal.

[Cthomas]

My childhood is very similar. Alcoholic father who basically told me i didnt matter. he used to tell people in front of me. "this is our son steven who is very smart, this is my daughter colleen, we just hope she marrys a rich guy". I had a lot of anger for a LONG TIME.....

Therapy helped. posting here helped - your anger is very normal. I would tend to be the same way.

Take care. Hope to get to know you better.

Colleen

[silver_tear]

Thank you guys for being so understanding. I appreciate every single post on here, feels good to know there are people that care even if they don't know you personally.

I was wondering though, do you guys think I could be suffering from PSTD? or is it just repressed anger? or both?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by silver_tear

I was wondering though, do you guys think I could be suffering from PSTD? or is it just repressed anger? or both?

Do you have flashbacks of traumatic incidences which bring on panic and are hard to deal with? PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Do you have anxiety?

Definitely sounds like repressed anger.........

Are you in therapy?

[silver_tear]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you have flashbacks of traumatic incidences which bring on panic and are hard to deal with? PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Do you have anxiety?

Definitely sounds like repressed anger.........

Are you in therapy?

When I hear yellings or a man getting violent to a woman, yes I get anxious and have some dreadful feelings, flashbacks too sometimes.

I do believe I have some kind of Social Anxiety Diosorder, I don't like being around people I don't know, and I get extremely nervous in social gatherings or interviews for example, don't know if that is in anyway related to my past...

And no, never been in therapy. However I wanted to add that when I open myself up with someone about my family, someone which is not particularly close to me, I get very emotional and often began to cry, and really feel like a fool when that happens, but I just can't hold back the tears when it happens.

[Sannah]

Would you ever consider therapy?

[phoenix7]

HI Silvertear,

you have had a lot to put up with, I think everyone of us has a limit to what we can take on board and maybe you have reached your limit and its time to get some help understanding it and letting it go. its good to come here and get it all out in the open - sometimes that helps you to see what is really going on - I hope you are talking with someone about this - please consider a psychologist or therapist (psychiatrist counciller etc) they can help you to deal with the emotions and give you coping techniques - you need to have somewhere to go when it all gets too much. And this is also a good place to come to vent and get it out of your system

Let us know how you are going take Care P7
p.s., getting emotional and crying is a way of releasing the pain and a therapist would not be thrown by that so dont let that worry you.

[marina1985]

hi, this thread caught my eye, because i have had a similar experience. it is a sad day when we parent our parents. if you know what i mean. i am 23.

my father was not physically abusive, but the same rules applied, verbaly, mentally he beat her down. i suspect she has always been a bit dependant, wanted a father type figure as a husband, was attracted to him for reasons i wont go into right now.

i used to feel alot of anger at both my parents, and for missing carefree childhoodness. but i feel now i understand them better now.. and realise i pity them. need to accept they will never fit the idealiside parent figure i used to want so much. ofcourse i still get angry sometimes.. when your mum is sooooooo diffiuclt it is hard to remain calm. but as a whole i am not angry at her. or him. i have thought much about it and have worked a few things out.

whilst i criticise them heavily sometimes, i am proud that they were able to break the physical abuce cycle they recieved from their parents. the story goes my father got beaten heavily, his father beat his mum and the other kids and was generally a very bad father. my mum was raised by a man she learnt was not her biological father when he sexually abused her. he was violent too and beat her and his wife occassionally. another very disturbed man. and so.. i am proud that my parents broke that cycle. they are by no means perfect, but it cant be easy to have achieved what they have.

i think to block the pain.. my father turned numb. he shows the traits of someone with schizoid personality disorder. he is aloner. he may crave love.. but to attain it from another person is too hard for him, and he has learnt to be 100% self sufficient, he does not need a loving wife, friends etc. i think his range of emotions is less than others. i have never seen him in a rage, or ball his eyes out or in sheer elation. numb.

my mum.. is her own worst enemy. she is needy, dependant, craves love, attention, respect and being looked after. at the same time she hates to be that way, is ashamed of herself, and looks up to what she thinks is strength in my father. she is her own worst enemy. she stresses herself out unecessarily, takes everything personally, refuses to understand her husband.. and plays the martar.

recently i talked to her and explained i think she is schizoid. and she got so excited that he could be 'fixed'. i had to tell her he is notbroken, just different, will not change and you need to accep that, not take how he is as a personal attack as she alwasy does. she understood and agreed.. but cannot change.. iv given up for the time being. in a way i think she could not handle gettign what she wanted, is addicted to complaining. feel she stopped mentally a long time ago. often.. even though she has 63 years of experience.. that has not equated to wisdom, and emotionally she seems llike a child. it was very hard for me to accept.. her weaknesses, and that she will never mother me like i want, and instead i need to look after her, as she is in even more need than i am. i still hate it, but need to accept it, or be disapointed forver.

they are still together. not a couple though, just a partnerhsip. different bedrooms for 20 years. this suits him, he does not need that close reliant relationship. she does. but she fears the embarassment of being divorced, and i think fears.. new territory. of pursuing true love and posisbly making mistakes, risks.. etc. when can she repeat forever what is known.

my parents have had huge impacts on me. a big thing i noticed recently.. is i dont respect that many people. i am extrememly sensitive and can pick up on things easily,.. and understand a person even before they can.. and thus see their weakness, fears etc.. i am working on this.

i dont believe in happy ever after. i have nightmares where.. my boyfriend does something bad.. or i just realise he is a psychopath and there is no hope for a good relationship.. and the dream ends with me in a rage, sometimes beat them senseless. this ofcourse conerns me. but anyway.. when i wake up i cant remembre if it was an ex, a current partner, future.. just feels like 1 morphed partner figure.. where im destined to repeat repeat, and can get a new one.. but same problems..

like you, i have a lovely boyfriend now, i feel quite lucky. and part of the reason i love him is he is sooooooo well adjusted, i think his is the first 'normal' family i ver met. which is great. and i am certainly glad he doesnt have the problems i do! but it is frustrating that he doesn't 'get it', does not understand. and so often i feel alone, dealing alone. but.. im not sure how long you 2 have been togteher, but if they want to know you.. it gets better. my boyfriend tries hard to know my fears and what i go through, its slow progress, but progess none the less.

anyway, i have bla blad on so much. sorry! i think all i wanted to say was, you are not alone, i understand, it sucks, but wil be ok. like some one else said.. your mum is toxic, this may or may not have pre-dated her relationship with your father. you can't change her. through alot of time and hardwork she can make slow progress, but if she is like my mum.. then i doubt it. you need to understand she is not capable of being a strong mother. she may feel guilt for this too, which is understandble, but then she is all consumed by her own pain. and so.. perhaps all you can do is be there for her, let her know you support her no matter what. i would guess her self confidence is very low, and she is highly sensitive and needs alot of support. you need to be strong yourself to be able to support her. and so i recommend talking to someone.. maybe your bf, maybe someelse, maybe a therapist if you are not coping.

i dont know enough to know if it would be considered PTRS.
all the best!