[stefanie]

I'm sitting here still screaming in my head HELP ME PLEASE!!!!! I've just wandered across this site today as I was searching for ways to help myself. I've become very isolated withdrawing and sometimes feel like i look at the world through a box with holes in it. I dont want to hog anyones time, I just know that I so desperatly want myself back. I'm not sure how to go about getting out what i need to say. Do I jump in and list all issues? Is there a special area to do this? I just know that I want to feel anything but constant pain and sadness.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by stefanie

I'm sitting here still screaming in my head HELP ME PLEASE!!!!! I've just wandered across this site today as I was searching for ways to help myself. I've become very isolated withdrawing and sometimes feel like i look at the world through a box with holes in it. I dont want to hog anyones time, I just know that I so desperatly want myself back. I'm not sure how to go about getting out what i need to say. Do I jump in and list all issues? Is there a special area to do this? I just know that I want to feel anything but constant pain and sadness.

Hi, I hear you, I often feel as if I'm watching the world through a glass window, I know that feeling you are describing.....

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by stefanie

Is there a special area to do this? I just know that I want to feel anything but constant pain and sadness.

Hi Stefanie and welcome...

You might want to share some of what is troubling you in one of the sub forums that seems to link to your distress...

In doing that,,some folks will respond with similar circumstances and maybe some direction as to where you might find support..

You did good in finding us,,,I hope we can be of some support..

With Care,

Lenny

[sorrel]

I can empathise deeply with how you're feeling.
And I can hear your screams.

[iamtwilight]

(((stefanie))) i hear you.. and often feel like i'm trapped inside a box, too. grrr.

i hope you will post here again, this is a great place to get started in healing.


twilight

[stefanie]

Thank you. I'm not very sure about what forum to visit. I'm also unsure about what to let out. I've had some professional help and have been told I need years of it, but no funds or funding. I do know that this hole is bottomless and I don't want to fall any further. So much.... where to begin?

[Capp]

((stefanie))
I am so sorry you are having such a rough time, but I'm glad you found us.
Feeling overwhelemed is one of the hardest feelings in the world, isn't it? What worked for me was doing my best to focus on what was hurting me the most...for me, it was anger, and I had to address that before I could go any further.
My thoughts are with you as you take these first steps of healing.
Cap

[stefanie]

thanx. i can relate to anger. i've noticed tremendous anger in myself, anger humongous enough to scare the**** out of me. 1-1 1/2 years ago went thru phase of uncontrollable temper under certain conditions and actually physically attacked someone on 2 occasions. Males each time, and did some pretty serious damage. the 2nd time it took me 3 days to not be afraid of myself. At that time I was having nightmares that I couldn't remember but people who were nearby heard all the details of sexual assaults on my person. 2 friends told me that they were so scared for me during one of these nightmares that they actually held hands and prayed for me and a boyfriend at the time told me I was sitting up with eyes open begging to not be hurt anymore. I have no recollection of it and he wouldn't tell me anything I said besides that and that it broke his heart. The nightmares were coming 1-2 times weekly.

[phoenix7]

Hi Stefanie,

We all hear you here, you are not alone, we are here to support you

You said you had been told that you need years of therapy and have no funding - are you getting any help dealing with this? It sounds like you have been through a lot and a therapist could help you deal with this - you said you didnt know what to talk about - talk about whatever is bugging you the most - sometimes it just helps to get it out there -

Most of all I want you to know you are NOT ALONE and that darkness can be beaten - you can do this and we are here for you - take care P7

[stefanie]

I've just lost Everything within the last year as far as possessions vehicle etc. and so all of my money has gone toward replacing my clothing and getting a car and I,ve moved some distance across the country. Takes a while to find full time work. I'll be applying for some medical assistance soon, maybe can get a little help from them. I have done a timeline of sorts of my life and it seems there are some sort of traumas or major upheavals in my life every few years. Molested @ 5, parents divorce @ 8, w/ mom 1 yr.,next to dad 2yrs, sent on vacation w/grparents & dad had moved me back to moms w/out telling me while I wasd gone & disappeared, started skipping school @ 12,( school had couselor visit w/ me 1hour a week for a while then stopped it and when I kept asking to see her again I was told that I was too old), started running away finally pulled into the system and put in juvenile facility @ 13, out @ 14, sent across country to dad(my request) but couldn't stop running away, ended up on sunset strip @ 14 turning tricks and shooting up pharmeceutical speed. That's just the beginning of the condensed version. I do understand that it's a miracle that I'm even alive not to mention that I look and act mostly normal. I did manage to get a college degree even. It's just such a mountain of crap to go thruogh, and I;ve only had a few months of therapy as an adult. The whole thing is almost like some made for tv drama. CANT BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE! And then I wonder what's the point of surviving all of it if I can't get it together and accomplish what I know I'm capable of?

[darkpurplesecrets]

stephanie--I am so glad you found you found our sight. You found a really wonderful sight and helpful sight where there are very wonderful people that will support you and validate you. You are not alone and you have now found a place where there are people that really care about you.

You may fall many times but we will be there to pick you up and when it is dark, we will shine a light until you can see again. It will get rough at times but you will never walk alone. We have a wonderful staff and administration that you can reach to at any time.

There are many forums that are offered here for you to write in and get specific support. I hope you will take advantage of these as we all would love to be there for you as much and as well as we can be there for you. If you ever want to pm me please feel free to. I would love to get to know you more and support you in any way I can.

Again, welcome, to PC.

darkpurplesecrets

[phoenix7]

Stefanie Looking at your post you have accomplished so much when there were so many reasons to give up - you didnt - you kept on and you got a degree! wow! thats more than I did and I had far less to put up with than you - you say you lost everything but now you have started again - that takes real courage - someone once said its not how many times you fall that matters - its how many times you get up! and you have done that so many times - give yourself a break - the hardest thing of all (ive found) is to be kind to yourself - you HAVE survived and that was no mean feat - hopefully you can get some assistance once you get that medical aid you mentioned and then things will start to get better for you - till then keep posting here if you need support - dont give up P7

[madisgram]

welcome stefanie ! pc is a good place to be. it's got some awesome support here for all of us. i've been to other sites where the interaction is not as warm, so glad you found us!
seems as tho you have some real issues that have caused you a lot of pain. glad you are "chatting" about them and come back often.
ps...the quizzes are a good tool to help you identify things that trouble you. they are not a diagnostic tool but very helpful.

[Fuzzybear]

I hear you ....

[phoenix7]

Stefanie just wondered - how are you doing?

P7